Thursday, March 31, 2016

So maybe Ben Carson was too qualified?

Donald Trump suggested this morning that his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who has been accused of harshly grabbing a reporter at a rally, could have just been keeping her from falling down. Sure. And Bill Cosby was just helping those ladies get a good night’s sleep. –Seth Meyers
An opening speaker at a campaign event for Hillary Clinton yesterday asked the attendees in the audience to welcome Clinton by chanting her campaign slogan with enthusiasm. And the crowd immediately started chanting, “It’s! My! Turn! It’s! My! Turn!” –Seth Meyers
A new study has found that people often zone out on purpose when the tasks they’re doing are not challenging enough. So maybe Ben Carson was too qualified? –Seth Meyers

Just ask any of his three wives

Trump's explanation for keeping Lewandowski on staff is that he's a loyal person. And Trump IS a loyal person. Just ask any of his three wives. –James Corden
All the candidates who promised to support the Republican nominee no matter who it was now say they might not. Back in September they all signed a pledge to support the eventual Republican nominee, but that was when no one thought the nominee would be Donald Trump.—Jimmy Kimmel
I feel like if you're naming your baby after a movie character, maybe you're not ready to have a baby. The good news is "Star Wars" fans are finally having sex. –Jimmy Kimmel

Cooper rhymes with...

Anderson Cooper told Donald Trump that he acts like a five-year-old. Trump then laughed really hard and said 'Well, Cooper rhymes with 'pooper.'" –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump says that if he is president, he will punish women who have abortions, although he doesn’t yet know what that punishment would be. You know, aside from Donald Trump being the president. –Conan O’Brien
Trump's campaign manager Corey Lewandowski was recently arrested and charged with battery of a female reporter after he allegedly grabbed and twisted her arm, but Trump is dismissing the allegations and is standing by his campaign manager. I know what you are thinking — how is this the one time that Trump doesn't say, "You're fired." –James Corden

And that's just to clean the bathrooms

At yet another town hall last night, Ted Cruz was asked about his weaknesses, and admitted that he's “hard-charging” and has stepped on some toes. Then he was like, “But enough about my high school prom.” –Jimmy Fallon
New York and New Jersey officials have agreed to reconstruct the Port Authority Bus Terminal here in New York, and the project will cost an estimated $10 to $15 billion. And that's just to clean the bathrooms. –Jimmy Fallon 
Apparently a “cannabis club” in Colorado is giving away free joints to people who volunteer to clean up parts of the community. But they have learned the hard way to hand out the joints AFTER the volunteers did their jobs. –Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Unfortunately, the record was for largest coffin

Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was “anointed” by God to become president. To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’” –Seth Meyers
Video was released this weekend of a man setting a new world record by eating 200 Peeps in 14 minutes. Unfortunately, the record was for “largest coffin.” –Seth Meyers
A man in Egypt held up a flight today with the demand that he would not release its passengers until a love letter was delivered to his ex-wife. And afterwards his ex-wife said, “THIS is why. Stuff like THIS is why.” –Seth Meyers

If you have to hijack a plane, she's just not that into you

A man used a fake bomb to hijack an EgyptAir flight. Here's the crazy part — it was all an attempt to deliver a love letter to his ex-wife who he was trying to win back. So relax, everyone. It’s not terrorism, just good old stalking and harassment. I don't know about you, but to me it looks like someone forgot to check his emotional baggage. –James Corden
This is just like a romantic comedy. The man was like, “I'm just a hijacker, standing in front of his hostages, asking them to deliver this letter to my ex.” This guy was really feeling bad about his breakup. Cops knew he wasn't your average terrorist when a list of his demands included sweat pants, ice cream, and an Adele CD. I feel sorry for this guy. I feel like I want to give him some advice and say to him, “If you have to hijack a plane, she's just not that into you.” –James Corden

I’m an actor?

There are rumors that Ted Cruz has had affairs with up to eight different women. Ted Cruz refuses to answer questions about the scandal, but he is accepting high-fives. –Conan O’Brien 
A man claiming to be William Shatner’s biological son is suing the actor for $170 million. Shatner was shocked and said, "I’m an actor?" –Conan O’Brien
The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing. –Conan O’Brien
There is a new tell-all book coming out about the Kardashians. It contains shocking allegations about them secretly reading books and wearing clothes. –Conan O’Brien

Or as meteorologists call it, "The Hillary Clinton."

It’s the second week of spring, but New York City was under a high wind advisory all day, with wind gusts up to 50 mph. Most New Workers went about their daily routines, while Donald Trump went into his panic room. –Jimmy Fallon
The weather here in New York was sunny, but chilly. Or as meteorologists call it, "The Hillary Clinton." –Jimmy Fallon
A spring training game was delayed recently when a player for the Chicago Cubs was swarmed by bees. The player was fine, while the pitcher had no idea what signal he was getting. –Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

you rarely end up getting as many inches as you anticipated

As of a couple of hours ago, Donald Trump hasn't tweeted about his new grandson. He's waiting to see the birth certificate. He's nothing if not fair. –Jimmy Kimmel
Due to this weekend's expected snowfall, experts are predicting a spike in usage of the dating app Tinder. But remember, in either case, you rarely end up getting as many inches as you anticipated. –Seth Meyers
A 93-year-old World War II veteran is making headlines for his plans to travel to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend after 70 years apart. The man says he's excited to see the land down under, and Australia. –Seth Meyers
Singer R. Kelly has come forward to defend Bill Cosby. So that ought to clear Bill's name! There we go! That was a call from Bill's lawyer that was one of those good news/bad news things. –Seth Meyers

Wow, look at the size of those hands!

Donald Trump became a grandfather for the eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. When Trump actually met the baby, he was like, “Wow, look at the size of those hands!” –James Corden
The Trump family says the new grandbaby is doing well and has already used its building blocks to build a wall between him and his nanny. –James Corden
Meanwhile, on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders has been on a hot streak. He won three states on Saturday, but the biggest thing that happened to him was at a rally in Portland, Oregon, where he got a surprise visit from an unexpected guest. That bird landing on his podium was actually the closest Bernie Sanders has come to ever sending a tweet. –James Corden

All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer!

A conservative radio host told Donald Trump he reminds him of a 12-year-old playground bully. Trump responded by shoving the host and calling him a "gaywad." –Conan O’Brien
Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien
Nabisco, the maker of Oreos and Chips Ahoy, is planning to announce hundreds of layoffs. So apparently, we legalized marijuana for nothing. –Conan O’Brien
It’s been reported that a contributor to CNN has been having an affair with Ted Cruz. All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer! –Conan O’Brien

And every single one of them is a Democrat

Yesterday, Donald Trump welcomed his eighth grandchild. It was so sweet when Donald met him, he was like, “Welcome to the Elite Eight.” –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump became a grandfather again yesterday. However, Trump says he won't visit his new grandson until he learns to speak English. –Jimmy Fallon
More than 47,000 people have signed a petition to allow guns at the Republican National Convention. And every single one of them is a Democrat. –Conan O’Brien
Ted Cruz is being accused of having affairs with five different women. And five different women are being accused of having terrible taste in men. –Conan O’Brien

That's one e-mail I'll never delete...

I read that George Clooney e-mailed Hillary Clinton supporters a letter endorsing her for president. Or as Hillary put it, “That's one e-mail I'll never delete...” –Jimmy Fallon
Today, President Obama hosted the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House, and the theme was “Let's Celebrate.” Obama came up with the theme “Let's Celebrate” when he realized it's the last year he would ever have to do this. “I’ve pardoned my last turkey, rolled my last egg. God bless America.” –Jimmy Fallon
The Kardashians went to church yesterday for Easter Sunday. The ceremony was beautiful, but it got awkward when the Kardashians went to confession and kept looking for a camera. Kim said, “Where do I talk?” –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, March 28, 2016

I know it's Monday, but...

"Tonight in his speech, President Bush introduced his plan for Social Security. His plan: take the security part out of it." --Jay Leno
"Earlier tonight it was President Bush's State of the Union address and it is always exciting to be there. I don't care what you think, if you are Democrat or Republican it is always an exciting event. President Bush was interrupted forty times by applause and twice to look up a word in the dictionary." --David Letterman
"According to the folks at the White House the federal budget deficit is now a whooping $427 billion dollars. For a guy who quite drinking President Bush sure knows how to run up a tab." --Craig Ferguson
Jon Stewart: "Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for –- the official halfway point of the Bush presidency."
President Bush: "I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear…"
Stewart: "At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore."

US Soldiers Support Bernie Sanders

"In the wake of a successful Iraqi elections President Bush's job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high school teachers call it, an F." --Tina Fey
"President Bush, bless his heart, is trying to cut the federal budget. Do you know what it is? Two and a half trillion dollars! And he's trying to cut wherever he can. As a matter of fact he is going to try and get rid of unnecessary White House employees. So apparently he is resigning." --David Letterman
"According to a new poll only 44% of Americans approve of President Bush's new plans for Social Security. 44%, or as Bush calls that, a mandate." --Jay Leno
"The president submitted his annual budget -- $2.5 trillion. Don't kid yourself with this George W. Bush. This guy is sneaky, this guy is cunning, this guy is shrewd. He budgeted the upcoming invasion into Iran under office supplies." --David Letterman

Friday, March 25, 2016

she has a guy who takes care of her lizards full-time

Hillary Clinton travels with a good-sized entourage. She has Secret Service, personal aides, she's got advisers, and she has a guy who takes care of her lizards full-time. –Jimmy Kimmel
People on Wall Street are worried about the negative effects of a Donald Trump presidency. Also worried, people on every street. All the streets. –Seth Meyers
Dr. Ben Carson appeared on "The View" this morning and when asked afterwards what he thought of, "The View," he said, "Blurry." –Seth Meyers
Last night, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said Hillary Clinton could be considered a founding member of ISIS. That's ridiculous, ISIS doesn't hire women. That's like their big thing. –Seth Meyers

So, we all get potato in sock?

Hillary also targeted Donald Trump's recent comments on foreign policy, saying if Trump gets his way, it will be like Christmas for Russia. Then Russians were like, "So, we all get potato in sock?" –Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Sanders was here on Tuesday and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is here tonight. They're an interesting pair because they're still competing with each other, but eventually we know they're going to team up to stop the deranged billionaire who wants to take over the world. –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, March 24, 2016

a gun wearing a cowboy hat

Donald Trump won yesterday’s Arizona Republican primary with almost 50 percent of the vote. He narrowly beat the second-place finisher, a gun wearing a cowboy hat. –Seth Meyers
The maker of M&Ms has announced it will start labeling its candies that contain genetically modified ingredients. The candies will be labeled “M” for “Modified,” or “M” for “Made Naturally.” –Seth Meyers
New Jersey police recently arrested a man for bringing a doughnut filled with Xanax pills to a local high school student. Officials first became suspicious when an adult man showed up to a high school to deliver a single doughnut. –Seth Meyers

Florida's Easter miracle

Yesterday, an anti-Trump super PAC tweeted a nude photo of Melania Trump, asking if this should be the first lady. The response was an overwhelming "Hell no, she should be president!" –Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to reveal a terrible secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz. –Conan O’Brien
In Florida, an Anheuser-Busch truck collided with a Frito-Lay truck, spilling beer and chips all over the highway. Of course in Florida they call that an "Easter miracle." –Conan O’Brien
At the Arizona primary yesterday, Republican voters had to wait as long as five hours. People in Arizona were furious and said, "That’s time I could have spent deporting my gardener." –Conan O’Brien


Donald Trump said yesterday that a lot of politicians who say they're against him in public are secretly supporting his campaign. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, “Guilty!” –Jimmy Fallon
An editor for The Washington Post says that Donald Trump actually hit on her after she asked him a question. To be fair, the question was, "What do you consider torture?" The answer: "Going on a date with me?" –Jimmy Fallon
There's a website called that's asking women not to sleep with Trump supporters. Or as Melania put it, “What is name of this site again?” –Jimmy Fallon
Sarah Palin just signed a deal to act as a judge on a new reality court TV show. Sarah said she just wants to get a little legal experience before Trump nominates her to the Supreme Court. –Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Hulse Collected Poems (1985-2015) Volume 1

Proceeds being raised for veterans charities including The Paralyzed Veterans of America.

Some reviews of my work:

His poetry will go on being read and studied for years to come. From his pillowcases with magical powers, the consequences of a man coming home five minutes too late, or a Marine platoon in Vietnam making a left turn instead of turning right. The poems build upon one another with lines of creation, then of destruction. Then start all over again with the next poem and the next line. It will wear you down. An overwhelming presence here. And while you are reading, starvation seems inevitable. Survival unsure.
An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
Kristina Betts, Lapel Review

It made me blow the dust off my copy of Orwell’s 1984. An amazing compilation.
Susan Hampton, Edgewood Journal

I fully agree with Bukowski Lover's concise review. John Hulse does, indeed evoke the wordplay of the Late CB, but he brings an honesty and openness way to beautiful and fragile, so that you'll weep every time that pure sweetness meets the mean streets of this Reality we all share. He'll make you yearn for its Deliverance, and then, suddenly, you'll know what you must do to save it. ... and you're not alone... even if you feel like it. Hulse evokes here a sort of Matthew 5: 1-12 Beatitudes for our times, through deep-diving, immersive views into the world of Empathy and Mercy, and Compassion that are spell-binding in their simplicity.

This book should be included in the "Welcome to Humanity" Packets for all newcomers. John Hulse is a true Master of the Word, and most tender of Champions for the Human Condition.

Mr. Hulse displays a mastery of the foibles of humanity—specifically men. He’s got a sharp wit, a fresh an interesting take on relationships, and isn’t afraid to push the envelope with his content. His bio discusses his world travels and myriad life experiences, and this reader can’t help but notice how his past very obviously affects his work. It appears to be an organic evolution, because growth in technique, word selection, and image creation is evident throughout. A thoroughly entertaining jaunt through the mind of a man who is without doubt as interesting as his work.

Whenever I’ve had the opportunity to read Mr. Hulse’s work, I am always struck by the mix of brutal honesty and humorous social commentary. He hasn’t failed to impress with this latest release. His jabs at the evil of corporate America, his insights into the dichotomous nature of public America, and his humble and hilarious comments on his personal life never disappoint. His raison d’ĂȘtre is poetry, and this dedication is obvious. With the loss of so many great poets in the last 10 or 15 years, I am glad another voice is there to contribute to the art.

And then Melania rolled her eyes so hard, she saw brain

It's a strange thing. People wanting to run the country are now hosting reality shows and people hosting reality shows now want to run the country. We live in a very confusing time. –Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama today gave a televised address to Cubans. And thousands of citizens eagerly gathered around Cuba’s television. –Seth Meyers
After facing attack ads focused on his past derogatory comments toward women, Donald Trump said yesterday, “Nobody respects women more than I do.” And then Melania rolled her eyes so hard, she saw brain. –Seth Meyers

because most of the voters there are sober

Bernie Sanders has ignited a lot of passion, primarily among young people. And the incredible thing is he did it without posting even a single nude selfie. –Jimmy Kimmel
There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel
One of Donald Trump's most high-profile supporters, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, is working on a new gig. Sarah Palin is planning to host a new reality courtroom show. She would be the judge. The show doesn't have a title yet but they're thinking about calling it "Terrible Idea." –Jimmy Kimmel

I wasn’t drunk

Trump’s campaign manager is denying reports that he drunk-dials female reporters and comes onto them. Trump’s campaign manager said, "I wasn’t drunk." –Conan O’Brien
Sarah Palin has just signed up to star in her own "Judge Judy"-style reality show. Palin said she knows how to deal with drunks, deadbeat dads, and barroom brawlers — and that’s just her family. –Conan O’Brien
Amazon has a new reality show that shadows an NFL team for an entire football season. The show follows players from the day they’re drafted all the way until the day they’re sentenced. –Conan O’Brien

Witnesses say she made two good points

Obama also spoke in Cuba yesterday and said that U.S. airlines will start making commercial flights to Cuba this year. But first, Obama said he wants to see a greater respect for human rights — not in Cuba, at LaGuardia. –Jimmy Fallon
In an interview with CNN last night, Ted Cruz was asked about being Donald Trump's vice president and said, quote, "I have zero interest whatsoever." Which is also what Cruz's friends say when he invites them to dinner. “You could’ve just said no!” –Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend at a Bernie Sanders rally, a woman took off her top and revealed anti-Trump messages. Witnesses say she made two good points. –Conan O’Brien

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

I’m right here, you idiots!

A new study has found Donald Trump speaks with the poorest grammar of any presidential candidate. Said Trump, “It’s actually the poorliest.” –Seth Meyers
Democratic National Committee head Debbie Wasserman Schultz today denied accusations that she is taking sides in the primary election season, and said, “There is no shred of evidence to suggest that I’m favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Socialist — I mean Bernie Sanders.” –Seth Meyers
A Massachusetts man dressed as Waldo was escorted by police out of Boston’s South Station on Sunday for acting “very disorderly.” He apparently wouldn’t stop yelling, “I’m right here, you idiots!” –Seth Meyers
Starbucks announced today that they are introducing a new Caramelized Honey Frappuccino to their menu. And then your dentist announced he’s buying a new boat. –Seth Meyers

What's a New York Times?

Donald Trump continues to baffle and astound. A new study found that Donald Trump's speeches are at a fifth grade level. In other words, he's speaking two grades above his supporters right now. –Conan O’Brien
Good news for Donald Trump. Donald Trump just got the official endorsement of Scott Baio. After hearing about it, Donald Trump said, “See, I've got the unemployed vote.” –Conan O’Brien
The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, “What's a 'New York Times?’” –Conan O’Brien
Today, Apple announced it’s releasing a new smaller iPhone. The iPhone is described as so small, it can fit in the palm of the hand of the child who made it. –Conan O’Brien

I know it's Monday, but...

Trump Tower in Chicago was struck by lightning during the Illinois primary, which Donald Trump went on to win. Nobody was hurt, but God was like, "Crap, I missed." –Jimmy Fallon
John Kasich has actually been pretty vocal in his criticism of Trump's antics. He also said Trump should remember that he's not "Running for the presidency of the WWE." –Jimmy Fallon
When President Obama arrived in Cuba, a band played both the American and Cuban national anthems. Then just because it felt right, a baseball game broke out. –Conan O’Brien

Saturday, March 19, 2016

As a black doctor…

Amazon just filed a patent for technology that allows customers to “pay by selfie,” where customers can verify purchases by taking a selfie. In related news, the Kardashians just went bankrupt. –Jimmy Fallon
Here in LA we celebrate St. Patrick's Day a little differently than the rest of the places. We don't have pots of gold, we have pots of pot here. We call them medical marijuana dispensaries. –Jimmy Kimmel
It was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by Donald Trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article written by Dr. Ben Carson days before. People first became suspicious when Trump’s op-ed began, “As a black doctor…” --Seth Meyers
A doctor in the U.K. yesterday admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up. --Seth Meyers

Then the octopus said...

The hacking group “Anonymous” has apparently declared war against Donald Trump. Of course, hacking him shouldn’t be hard, because if there's anyone who just uses their name as their password, it's Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon
Ted Cruz was just featured in Us Weekly’s “25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me” column. And on the list he revealed that he was once bitten by an octopus at the beach and got “terribly ill.” Then the octopus said, “Yeah, it took me a while to recover, too.” –Jimmy Fallon
John Kasich, fresh off his win in the Ohio primary, said that if you can't win Ohio, you can't be president. Then George Washington said, “What the hell is 'Ohio'?” –Jimmy Fallon