We share common values like hard work, patriotism, and ditching your first two wives (Nothing Happened Day)

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime. –Conan O’Brien

"Today is the 20-year anniversary of the Tiananmen Square protest. Yeah, yeah. Or, as the Chinese government refers to it, 'Nothing Happened Day.'' --Conan O'Brien

White House insiders say that President Trump feels comfortable with Rudy Giuliani because they’re from the same generation. Giuliani said, "We share common values like hard work, patriotism, and ditching your first two wives." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look, I'll say the crazy stuff. You stick to pretending it isn't crazy (Russian narrative)

"Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don't have to buy a Halloween costume." –Jimmy Kimmel

"We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other." –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump is also said to be unhappy with his newest attorney, Rudy Giuliani. He's been making a mess on cable and network news. Trump is reportedly irritated and disappointed by the interviews Giuliani's been giving. He's like, "Look, I'll say the crazy stuff. You stick to pretending it isn't crazy." Can you imagine being so rambling, incoherent, and contradictory that even Donald Trump is like, "You're embarrassing me." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away (35 ex-wives)

One of the winners of this year's national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, "I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Thin Bread Crust (like if you're editor of the New York Times)

 

"It was reported yesterday that Florida Gov. Jeb Bush reads three newspapers a day. Well, actually, he reads them to his brother George." --Jay Leno

"So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?" --Jay Leno

 

"Now that he is the Republican frontrunner, it looks like John McCain has changed his position on torture. He's now in favor of waterboarding, but only in very limited cases -- like if you're editor of the New York Times." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Those were televised?! (smiling her way through the inauguration)

Oscar nominations were announced today with Meryl Streep

nominated for “Florence Foster Jenkins,” Natalie Portman for

“Jackie,” and Hillary Clinton for smiling her way through the

inauguration. –Seth Meyers

According to reports, President Trump and some of his allies have

raised the possibility that Rudy Giuliani should do fewer television

interviews following his recent appearances. Replied Giuliani,

"Those were televised?! --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And she says that so far he’s buying it! (I never thought you would be the first)

"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good

Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no

domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would

reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never

thought you would be the first." --Seth Meyers

A female zebra shark in Australia has shocked researchers by

developing the ability to produce offspring asexually, after spending

time away from her male partner. And she says that so far he’s

buying it! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The "M" means machine (I'll never forget my good friend Judy)

Rudy Giuliani said this morning that even though Donald Trump passed him over for a position in his administration, Trump hasn't forgotten about him. Said Trump, "It's true. How could I ever forget Rudy Garziola? Gorgonzola, whatever. I'll never forget my good friend Judy." –Seth Meyers

Bill O'Reilly said last night that liberals want to eliminate the Electoral College because they want power taken away from the white establishment. Bill, you don't have to say, "White establishment." It's redundant. That's like saying ATM machine. The "M" means machine. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about me? (Ferengi Boy Bands)

Matt Gaetz, who was President-elect Donald J. Trump’s choice for attorney general despite allegations that he’d used drugs and had sex with a 17-year-old, withdrew his name from consideration on Thursday. Gaetz said he was honored that Trump nominated him, and he looks forward to spending more time posing as a high school senior on the Roblox Reddit page.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Poor Rudy Giuliani. He has to be on the twin bed in the office his son converted into a guest room right now, going, ‘What about me?’” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

butcher the English language in a way that can never be duplicated (the 'family values' candidate)

 

"Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, Rudy Giuliani, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger are meeting here in California tomorrow. Their goal: To butcher the English language in a way that can never be duplicated." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Clear hearts, blue eyes, green clovers, purple horseshoes, go fish, yahtzee! (That can’t be right)

“Yep, Eric Adams is the first sitting mayor of New York City to be indicted. It’s shocking. When Rudy Giuliani heard that, he was, like, ‘That can’t be right.’” — Jimmy Fallon   

Kamala Harris’s running mate, the Minnesota governor, Tim Walz, is reportedly less comfortable in a debate setting than on the campaign trail, and is anxious about letting Harris down. Hey, buddy! We’re not going to win with that kind of attitude. (Nodding to Walz’s past as a high school football coach.) Bring it in, coach! Sounds like you need one of your signature pre-game talks. Look, buddy, I want you to get out there, I want you to hunker down and find that extra gear, leave 110% of the pigskin on the fourth and down. Clear hearts, blue eyes, green clovers, purple horseshoes, go fish, yahtzee! —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is officially the smallest amount of money ever stolen by a Republican (Long story short)

"Tough day for the Bush administration. A guy named Claude Allen has been arrested and charged in Maryland with swindling Target and some other department stores out of refunds. He allegedly made off without about $5000 or so which is officially the smallest amount of money ever stolen by a Republican." --Jimmy Kimmel

The president is also said to be unhappy with his newest attorney, Rudy Giuliani. He's been making a mess on cable and network news. Trump is reportedly irritated and disappointed by the interviews Giuliani's been giving. He's like, "Look, I'll say the crazy stuff. You stick to pretending it isn't crazy." Can you imagine being so rambling, incoherent, and contradictory that even Donald Trump is like, "You're embarrassing me." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You should probably stop talking (and he ain't missing that)

A federal regulation is now requiring that airports serving over 10,000 passengers per year have an area in every terminal where pets can go to the bathroom. Or as it's called in LaGuardia, all of LaGuardia. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and revealed that Trump knew about and paid for Stormy Daniels’ hush money. Even Kanye was like, “You should probably stop talking.”  --Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top all-time recipients of insurance money (That should be a real no-brainer)

 

"Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer." --Jay Leno

 

"Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don't really count." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fireball shots/cross it deliberately (he never spent a dime of taxpayer money to be with his kids)

Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s conviction means that he could be ineligible to hold liquor licenses at his New Jersey golf courses. That’s right, no liquor at Trump golf courses. In a related story, Rudy Giuliani has announced that he’s voting for Joe Biden. According to New Jersey law, liquor license holders must have a “reputable character” and would be expected to conduct business “in a reputable manner”. Of course, this is New Jersey, so by ‘reputable’ they mean if you’re going to do Fireball shots out of a stripper’s butt crack, use a coaster. —Stephen Colbert

According to new analysis, Jill Biden’s round-trip flight from France to Delaware to attend Hunter’s trial could cost taxpayers as much as $345,000. Say what you will about Trump, but he never spent a dime of taxpayer money to be with his kids. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm putting away the Christmas tree you idiot (something besides the door of a Boeing airplane plummeting to the ground)

“Next Monday, a solar eclipse will totally block out the sun over parts of America, and we’re all looking forward to having one brief moment when you can look up into the sky and see something besides the door of a Boeing airplane plummeting to the ground.” — Desi Lydic, The Daily Show

“But it’s not just a moment for humans. An eclipse offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Rudy Giuliani to come out and feed during the day.” — Desi Lydic, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

These pigeons aren’t gonna yell at themselves! (honorable mention)

"Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them."–Seth Meyers

The New York Times and CBS released a poll this morning that shows Donald Trump in his strongest position of the primary season. While Jeb Bush remains in the SAME position – fetal. –Seth Meyers

Rudy Giuliani said today that he had “too much going on” to accept a cabinet appointment from Donald Trump. Added Giuliani, “These pigeons aren’t gonna yell at themselves!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like getting confronted about your drinking by Rudy Giuliani (I’m pretty sure he has bigpox)

A new book revealed that the ex-Trump lawyer Sidney Powell wanted to hire operatives with “hunting licenses” to take Dominion voting machines since they are obviously “all guarded by elk”, a plan that even Rudy Giuliani nixed. Do you know how crazy you have to be for the voice of reason to be Rudy Giuliani? That’s like getting confronted about your drinking by Rudy Giuliani. —Stephen Colbert

The predictability of Trump and his cronies who start fearmongering about immigration whenever an election is on the horizon. Whenever the ex-president starts, rightwing media obediently follows his cue showing footage of the “caravan” of immigrants that was screamed about before the 2018 midterms with Fox correspondents spreading fear about possible diseases. As far as Trump goes, forget smallpox, I’m pretty sure he has bigpox. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first (any means necessary)

"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first." -Seth Meyers

According to reports, Nike's new self-lacing basketball sneaker will only be released in men's sizes. Said women, "That's fine. We know how to tie our shoes." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

somewhere between Rudy Giuliani and an abandoned JCPenney (the real purpose of socialism)

I predicted Trump would win the Iowa caucus by a landslide. They love him in Iowa, I think because he has the exact same hair as an ear of corn. —Stephen Colbert

“The idea of Republican primaries implies that the GOP will continue to exist, and right now there is reason to doubt that, as multiple state-level Republican parties are going bankrupt. That’s financially bankrupt. They already achieved morally. They’ve got no money. In August, for example, the Arizona GOP had just $14,800 left in the bank. To put that into perspective, the Arizona GOP cannot afford to buy a 2017 Honda Civic. Certainly not with power windows. Right now, the state Republican parties’ finances are somewhere between Rudy Giuliani and an abandoned JCPenney.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”