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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

My future Russians



Jeb Bush said last week that Democrats often win the black vote because they tell people “we’ll take care of you with free stuff.” Whereas Democrats actually win the black vote because Republicans keep saying stuff like that. –Seth Meyers
Russian President Vladimir Putin also addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. Unfortunately he addressed them as “My future Russians.” –Seth Meyers
Hillary Clinton is by far the favorite to win the Democratic nomination even though her presidential campaign has had more than its share of bumps in the road, from the Benghazi controversy to her private email server to the persistent allegation that she's less charismatic than a 70-year-old socialist who doesn't own a phone. –Stephen Colbert


Institute of Things to Tell That Hot Woman at a Party



A new study came out that says drinking more beer could lower women's risk of a heart attack by 30 percent. The study was conducted by the Institute of Things to Tell That Hot Woman at a Party. –Conan O’Brien
Justin Bieber says he has three or four albums he hasn't released yet. Bieber says, “You have until midnight to meet my demand.” –Conan O’Brien


Eh, tell us when they discover beer.



Next month Delta will begin opening company spas at certain airports so that employees can get a massage. And if passengers want a massage, they can just leave their keys in their pockets when they go through security. –Jimmy Fallon
Today, NASA announced that it has finally discovered water on Mars. When they heard, Americans were like, "Eh, tell us when they discover beer." –Jimmy Fallon


Monday, September 28, 2015

the moon is going away because they've been bad



Don't forget on Sunday night, there's going to be a full lunar eclipse. So, parents, don't forget to point up at the sky and tell your children the moon is going away because they've been bad. –Stephen Colbert
Everybody see Thursday night's football game? I saw it by accident because I tried to watch my show. Once again, I got bumped by "Thursday Night Football." This time, my show didn't start until 12:35 a.m. and last night was my special “Pope Show.” So, football didn't just bump me, it bumped the Pope. Fellas, God gives you all those touchdowns, and this is how you thank him? –Stephen Colbert 
Here in New York, everyone's ecstatic about a visitor to these shores that is inspiring millions to weep tears of joy and devotion. I speak, of course, of the new iPhone 6s. This afternoon, iPhone fans lined up at the Apple Store as the Catholic faithful lined up to see the Pope's procession through Central Park. It was hard to decide which object of worship you should line up for. I mean, they're both pretty special, and both available in a protective case. I just don't understand why the Holy Father still only comes in white. –Stephen Colbert

I believe in God, but not enough to take a $95 helicopter ride



Traffic is really backed up here in New York City because of the Pope's visit, but a company called Blade is offering $95 helicopter rides around the city. Even the Pope said, "I believe in God, but not enough to take a $95 helicopter ride.” –Jimmy Fallon
This morning, Pope Francis addressed the U.N. General Assembly, and rode around inside the U.N. building in a golf cart. People will never forget what the Pope said as he passed them: "WHEEE!" –Jimmy Fallon
New research shows that monkeys enjoy movies, and can even follow plot lines. So if you're keeping score — that's monkeys: one, my mom: zero. "Who's he? Is that the bad guy?" "It's a commercial, mom." –Jimmy Fallon


Saturday, September 26, 2015

I just hope the president of China likes leftover Pope food



Yesterday at one of the Pope's appearances, you probably saw the footage, a 5-year-old Mexican-American girl broke through security. Luckily, she was tackled by 16 Republican presidential candidates. –Conan O’Brien
The president of China is going to be at the White House. I just hope the president of China likes leftover Pope food. –Conan O’Brien
Today Donald Trump said he doesn't believe in climate change. He said if there's a hole in the ozone layer, just comb some ozone from another part over it. –Conan O’Brien
After Pope Francis became the first pontiff to address a joint session of Congress today, he went to meet with a group of homeless people. That’s right, he spoke to some people who spend all their time begging for money, and then he met with the homeless. –Seth Meyers



You. Are. ADORABLE!



And in a speech yesterday, Pope Francis urged American bishops to “flee the temptation of narcissism.” Then bishops were like, "Oooh! He's talking about us!" –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump announced yesterday that he will no longer be appearing on Fox News because he believes they treat him unfairly. Then President Obama was like, “You. Are. ADORABLE! Really? Wow.” –Jimmy Fallon


Sorry, I've got Pope fever!





Please, please sit down. Now please stand up. Now kneel. Now stand up again. Sorry, I've got Pope fever! –Jimmy Fallon
I saw that Pope Francis held his first-ever prayer here in New York City earlier this evening. I guess it was halfway through his first New York City cab ride. "Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us sinners..." –Jimmy Fallon
While he was in Washington, the Pope gave a major speech to Congress, and asked them to accept immigrants as their own children. Then congressmen were like, "Eh, we've already got enough children our wives don't know about.” –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, September 25, 2015

The Vatican has a national anthem



It's Yom Kippur today. Jews all over the country honored the day by staying home and watching the Pope on television. –Conan O’Brien
The Pope is at the White House today, the band played the Vatican's national anthem. The Vatican has a national anthem, isn't that crazy? Apparently it's Katy Perry's "Roar." –Conan O’Brien


8 percent of Americans sleep naked



New York City plans to deploy an extra 6,000 police officers to help guard Pope Francis during his visit. It’ll be the most protection a Catholic has ever used. –Seth Meyers
A new study has found that 8 percent of Americans sleep naked. Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train. –Seth Meyers


So I guess he really CAN perform miracles!



The big story right now is Pope Francis visiting the U.S., and I saw that yesterday, the Pope's plane couldn't land right away because he arrived earlier than planned. That's right, the Pope's flight was early. So I guess he really CAN perform miracles! –Jimmy Fallon
Chris Christie recently ordered the leader of the New Jersey National Guard to lose weight within the next 90 days. And if he doesn't, Christie will eat him. –Jimmy Fallon


Wednesday, September 23, 2015

What's your secret?



The last polls before Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race found the Wisconsin governor was polling at one half of 1 percent. Bobby Jindal said, “What's your secret?” –Seth Meyers
According to a new study, there have been more deaths this year from selfie-related incidents than there have been from shark attacks. Good. –Seth Meyers
A pair of Ohio teens were caught this weekend using a beer bong to drink full two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew. It's a rare case where the punishment is the crime. –Seth Meyers


Either that or Hillary Clinton just made a surprise visit to Japan




The Pope arrived in the U.S. today. I think that's exciting. The Pope flew into Washington this afternoon on Lifelong Virgin Air. –Conan O’Brien
Volkswagen is having a big scandal. Volkswagen has been caught installing secret devices that help them cheat on emissions tests. The CEO said, “I missed the last controversial time here at VW when all we did was make cars for Hitler.” –Conan O’Brien
A company in Japan has released a robot that's able to simulate some emotion. Either that or Hillary Clinton just made a surprise visit to Japan. –Conan O’Brien
In San Diego, a 100-year-old man set five world records at a track meet. He set a record in the 50-meter dash, the 800-meter run and the 100-meter wander off. –Conan O’Brien


they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames





The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he's only ever read about purgatory. –Jimmy Fallon
I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames. –Jimmy Fallon
In addition to the “no shaking hands,” Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope's visit. First, there’s "Don't fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope." –Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

I only have 200 shows a year



Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has become the second GOP presidential hopeful to drop out of the 2016 race. He says he looks forward to his new job as the picture in the dictionary next to the word “duh.” –Seth Meyers
Tonight, I'll be tangling with Texas senator Ted Cruz. He is the third presidential candidate I've had on the show. I want to interview all of them, but I only have 200 shows a year. –Stephen Colbert


I probably won't make it out of Philly



The Pope is coming to the United States and visiting New York, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia, but not Los Angeles. The Pope said, "Let's be honest. I probably won't make it out of Philly." –Conan O’Brien
In politics, an expert is saying that Donald Trump's handwriting reveals he is prone to anger and fear. After hearing about it, Trump was furious and then he got scared. –Conan O’Brien
Scott Walker, the presidential candidate who is famous for riding a Harley, is dropping out of the race. Walker made the decision when he realized that all of his supporters could fit on his Harley. –Conan O’Brien


Donald Trump is actually fading from the media spotlight



We have Republican presidential candidate and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina on the show tonight! First she's gonna talk about the campaign, then she's gonna help me fix the paper jam in our printer. –Jimmy Fallon
I read that certain data that measures how often a candidate's name is mentioned showed that Donald Trump is actually fading from the media spotlight. You can tell Trump's status has faded, because today, he was named a contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice.” –Jimmy Fallon


there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned



Bernie Sanders had 27,500 in the sport arena in Los Angeles In August, 11,000 in Phoenix, 28,000 in Portland on a Sunday. A guy in his 70s filling stadiums? Who does he think he is, a Rolling Stone? –Stephen Colbert
A lot of people are getting excited about the pope’s upcoming visit. In fact, I read that a priest in Pennsylvania plans to show off a 500-thousand-piece Lego model of the Vatican that took him two years to build. Well, there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned. –Jimmy Fallon


the Donald Trump fear bingo card



Actress Lupita Nyong'o is here! She might be our first Oscar winner. She was born in Mexico and raised in Kenya, so she fills out every square in the Donald Trump fear bingo card. –Stephen Colbert
Bernie Sanders popularity is surprising because he's a self-described socialist, who would also be our oldest president ever. The man is 74-years-old. That's five years older than Donald Trump and 50 years older than anyone Trump would marry. –Stephen Colbert


Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics.



Because the FEC does not let candidate names appear in the title of a Super PAC, Carly Fiorina’s organization has started claiming its name CARLY for America is an acronym that stands for Conservative, Authentic, Responsive Leadership for You and for America. And I think that shows her campaign is full of Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics. –Seth Meyers
Lawyers for Guantanamo Bay prisoner Muhammad Rahim al-Afghani have revealed that he used to have an Ashley Madison account. He was already gittin’ some but he wanted to Gitmo. –Seth Meyers


Friday, September 18, 2015

To infinity … and the bus!



Jeb Bush said last night that he wants to see Margaret Thatcher on the $10 bill. While Donald Trump said, “They make a $10 bill?” –Seth Meyers
Jeb Bush admitted last night that he smoked marijuana in college. Not that shocking. But based on the speed he was talking, I’m pretty sure Ben Carson smoked marijuana at every commercial break. ?” –Seth Meyers
A “Toy Story" fan in England changed his name to Buzz Lightyear and was then refused a driver's license until he changed his name back. Said the man, “To infinity … and the bus!” –Seth Meyers


a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby's house



Every time [the CNN debate] went to Donald Trump, Jeb Bush got this polite but disgusted look on his face. The same look a librarian would give you if you returned a book with a slice of cheese in the middle. –Jimmy Kimmel
Ben Carson did not make a particularly strong impression last night. Ben Carson, to me, comes off like a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby's house. –Jimmy Kimmel


It was the only preparation he did for the debate



There was a moment from last night's debate that went viral. It was Donald Trump's very awkward attempt to high-five fellow [candidate] Ben Carson. People today are describing it as the worst high-five in history. That was not a spontaneous gesture by Trump. Trump has been practicing that high-five for weeks. It was the only preparation he did for the debate. –Conan O’Brien
Jeb Bush admitted he smoked pot 40 years ago. And Ben Carson was like, “Dude, I'm high right now. Why do you think I speak so slowly?” –Jimmy Kimmel


a dominatrix who forgets their safe word



Last night's debate at the Reagan Library was the most watched program in CNN history. CNN said they were thrilled with the ratings but even happier they could finally show a plane that wasn't missing. –Conan O’Brien
During last night's debate, Jeb Bush wanted Donald Trump to apologize to his wife but Trump refused. Trump said, "If I apologized to wives I wouldn't be on my third one." –Conan O’Brien
Britain's longest-serving dominatrix is retiring at the age of 66. Apparently men no longer want to hire a dominatrix who forgets their safe word. –Conan O’Brien


I wasn't anywhere near that dude



At last night’s Republican debate on CNN, one of the big moments was when Jeb Bush admitted to smoking marijuana during high school. Marijuana denied having anything to do with Jeb Bush. “I wasn't anywhere near that dude.” –Jimmy Fallon
I saw that David Allan Coe, the writer of the famous country song “Take This Job and Shove It,” was charged with tax evasion and owes the IRS almost half a million dollars. Which explains his new song called "Uh, Yeah, About That Job..." –Jimmy Fallon
NASA is working to create a new channel that broadcasts live video from space in super-high resolution. Also super-high: the people watching the NASA space channel. –Jimmy Fallon


Thursday, September 17, 2015

The compartment is called Keith Richards



The New York Times is reporting that in recent speeches Donald Trump has seemed more composed and toned down, and has started using prepared notes. Now instead of just calling people “losers” and “morons,” he reads it off a card. –Seth Meyers
A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards. –Seth Meyers
The CEO of BMW fainted onstage at the Frankfurt auto show this week. And in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces. –Seth Meyers


I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump



Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate at the Reagan presidential library, not too far from us here in Simi Valley. Debates are a great way to learn about candidates. For example, tonight I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump. –Jimmy Kimmel
Trump gave a speech from the deck of a battleship where he warned us about crime and drugs coming from down below. “The drug cartels are going wild. They cannot believe how stupid our government is. They are making a fortune. The drugs come in, the money goes out, daily.” He's right, we have to start making drugs in America again, American drugs. –Jimmy Kimmel


Chris Christie just suspended his campaign



In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future. –Conan O’Brien
The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign. –Conan O’Brien


I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air



Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching “The Bachelorette.” –Conan O’Brien
In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out? –Conan O’Brien
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air. –Conan O’Brien


Make it $2 million and I'll STAR in them!



Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like "Can I do that? I don’t want to be here!” –Jimmy Fallon
A conservative super PAC just announced yesterday that they plan to spend $1 million on campaign ads attacking Donald Trump. Trump was like, “Make it $2 million and I'll STAR in them!" –Jimmy Fallon
According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower. –Jimmy Fallon


Tony the Tiger was gunned down by a Minnesota dentist



Tomorrow night’s second GOP debate will take place at the Reagan Presidential Library. So on behalf of librarians everywhere, let me just say “shhh…” –Seth Meyers
New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon. –Seth Meyers
Kellogg’s announced today that it will be spending 450 million dollars in an effort to expand its food distribution to Africa. Though sadly, it was reported today that Tony the Tiger was gunned down by a Minnesota dentist. –Seth Meyers


Donald Trump is leading among Christian evangelical voters





Donald Trump is leading among Christian evangelical voters. They love him. Apparently, they like him because a Trump presidency would mean the world really is coming to an end. –Conan O’Brien
Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, is struggling in the polls. According to political analysts, Hillary Clinton is now trying to make herself seem more relatable to the average person. Today, she spent the day criticizing Hillary Clinton. –Conan O’Brien
Mark Zuckerberg announced that a dislike button is finally coming to Facebook. Finally a way to tell your friends how you really feel about their baby. –Conan O’Brien

That's like 99 percent of my day!



And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt “used” by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, “Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!” –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called Donaldcare. He claims it would save billions by denying coverage to preexisting Hispanics. –Conan O’Brien


You lost my brother?!



Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out that he wasn't using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at Gary Busey to hold the cue cards higher. –Jimmy Fallon
I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb's baggage and he was like, “You lost my brother?!” –Jimmy Fallon


Tuesday, September 15, 2015

the highest honor a woman can achieve for getting a spray tan



Also on TV last night we named a new Miss America. Miss Georgia is the new Miss America at the 95th annual Miss America Pageant. Miss America is the highest honor a woman can achieve for getting a spray tan. –Jimmy Kimmel 
Donald Trump said in the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren’t her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat. –Seth Meyers
Miss Georgia Betty Cantrell was crowned Miss America last night. While Miss Kentucky was crowned “least cooperative.” –Seth Meyers


when Donald Trump runs out of air



The remaining candidates are gearing up for the second Republican debate, which will take place this Wednesday on CNN. It starts at 8 p.m. and ends when Donald Trump runs out of air. –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump's star on the Walk of Fame in Hollywood was vandalized last week with a yellow "X." When they asked Trump about the "X" he said, "Be more specific. I have many exes.” –Jimmy Fallon


a glimpse into the private side of Hillary Clinton



Yes, Ms. Clinton is clearly qualified for the office, but to be elected, that isn't enough. You have to appear genuine. If only there was some way we could get a glimpse into the private side of Hillary Clinton -- I don't know, read her emails or something? –Stephen Colbert
On Friday, Rick Perry announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. It's too bad. This country really needs more candidates like Rick Perry — you know, candidates who will drop out of the presidential race. –Jimmy Fallon



Monday, September 14, 2015

even people in New Hampshire can't tell the difference between their state and Vermont



I've been touched by the outpouring of support from other late night shows. Jimmy Kimmel bought the whole staff lunch. Seth Meyers sent us guac and chips. Conan, John Oliver, Larry Wilmore and the "Daily Show" all sent us desserts. Then, later tonight, James Corden is throwing us a cocktail party. Any other shows thinking of sending us something, please make it a box of sweatpants. –Stephen Colbert
At the beginning of the summer, everyone thought Hillary Clinton was inevitable. But right now, in New Hampshire, she's 11 points behind Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, proving that even people in New Hampshire can't tell the difference between their state and Vermont. –Stephen Colbert