Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Does Anyone See the Insane Hypocrisy of Colin Kaepernick Smears?

Obama Continues Freeing Non-Violent Drug Offenders

WERD: Double Vision

Right-Wing Pundits Meltdown, Turn On Each Other Over Trump

Who Depends More On Government - Republicans Or Democrats?

Chris Christie Vetoes Minimum Wage Increase In New Jersey

Scientists Grow Liver With Stem Cells In 'Game-Changer'

I'm going to build a speed bump and make Taco Bell pay for it (Siri, how will I die?)

Papa John’s has announced it will be coming out with an app for Apple TV that will allow customers to order pizza from their screen. You get a soda, breadsticks, and a large pizza when you say, “Siri, how will I die?” –Seth Meyers
Sarah Palin just posted on Facebook that she tripped and fell while doing something called “Rock-running.” Not sure what rock-running is, but I think it’s when you jog while playing air guitar. Palin fell and hit her head on a rock. Don’t worry, she’s OK or, you know, the same. –Stephen Colbert
Trump is planning a major immigration policy speech Wednesday in Arizona. Now, he was originally supposed to give it last Thursday in Colorado, so it moved later and further south. If he delays it again, it’s Monday at the Panama Canal. –Stephen Colbert

will it be the kind, intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists? (pants on fire)

Former Texas governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry is a contestant. Perry is very publicly opposed to gay marriage. So, if you’re wondering who’s going to have the worst hair and makeup on Dancing with the Stars, you’ve got your answer. –James Corden
Hillary Clinton spoke yesterday about her preparation for the upcoming presidential debate, and told reporters, quote, “I do not know which Donald Trump will show up.” Yes — will it be the kind, generous and intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists? –Seth Meyers
An African-American pastor who is a prominent Trump campaign surrogate tweeted out a cartoon of Hillary Clinton in blackface yesterday and accused her of pandering to black voters. Clinton responded calling the accusations, quote, “untrue” and “wack as hell, dawg.” –Seth Meyers

It’s basically Game of Thrones for your mom

At a track meet last weekend, a 100-year-old woman won a gold medal in her age group in the 100-meter dash. Her opponents dropped out of the race in 1987. –Conan O’Brien
Ryan Lochte and former Gov. Rick Perry will appear on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” The theme of this season is “Dumb.” –Conan O’Brien
Today “Dancing with the Stars” has revealed the cast for its upcoming 23rd season. If you’re not familiar with “Dancing with the Stars,” it’s basically “Game of Thrones” for your mom. –James Corden

So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin

On Sunday in California, several dozen Latinos held a rally for Donald Trump. They were a group calling themselves “Latinos Who Don’t Really Follow the News.” –Conan O’Brien
Both candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin. –Conan O’Brien
This November, Californians get to vote on whether or not to legalize recreational marijuana. They can either forget to vote in person, or forget to vote by mail. –Conan O’Brien

Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God (So ladies: He’s single!)

Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his latest sexting scandal. So ladies: He’s single! –Jimmy Fallon
Mark Zuckerberg actually gave the Pope a drone. The Pope was like, “You mean it hovers above us and sees everything? Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God.” –Jimmy Fallon
Queen Elizabeth is advertising for a housekeeping assistant to live and work in Buckingham Palace. The job would require dusting all the palace antiques — like chandeliers, vases, and Queen Elizabeth. –Jimmy Fallon

Mona Lisa smiles because of her huge tax cut (You may now kiss the bride)

"Bush does not like change in his personnel. He likes to keep the same people. I think he got this from having the same third grade teacher year after year." --Jay Leno

 "They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out." --Jay Leno, on global warming

"President Bush surprised 30 immigrants by showing up and personally swearing them in as U.S. citizens. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'You may now kiss the bride.'" --Conan O'Brien 

Chuck Todd Panics After Guest Calls Trump A Psychopath

Finally a Republican leaving Washington not in handcuffs (today he was hired by NBC)

"Bush just gave a promotion to the guy who was in charge of our nine trillion dollar debt. You know what? I really think if you walked into a cabinet meeting and started hurling your feces at the wall, Bush would name a state after you." --Jon Stewart, on Bush naming Joshua Bolten his new chief of staff

"Andy Card resigned. Finally a Republican leaving Washington not in handcuffs." --Jay Leno

"Andrew Card has spent the last five years managing the Bush White House as the ratings have steadily declined. Given that experience, today he was hired by NBC." --Jay Leno

It's the start of the hurricane season (Bush is already stockpiling excuses)

"June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling excuses." --David Letterman

"Proponents of this amnesty program for illegal immigrants say they are willing to take on jobs American are not willing to do. You know, like come up with an immigration policy." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney said yesterday Democrats are not competent to fight the war in Iraq -- coming from a guy who shot at a bird and hit a lawyer." --Jay Leno

Colin Kaepernick's National Anthem Protest Causes Right Wing Freak Out

Marco Rubio: 'No One Knows What the Future Holds,' So I Can't REALLY Com...


Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Proof The World Isn’t Falling Apart

NASA Warns Climate Change Could Cause Mass Extinction Event

Are Democrats Trying To Lose Ohio?

Will Trump’s Debate Strategy Work?

Buyer’s Remorse: Crybaby Republicans Now Sad That Trump Is Their Nominee

Pap and Cenk Talk Republican Bigots and The Future Of The Progressive Mo...

Rush Limbaugh Shredded By Caller

Even Trump Voters Support Gun Control

"How's the camera?" asked Anthony Weiner. (toxicology report)

Donald Trump is challenging Hillary Clinton to release "detailed medical records." This marks the first time Trump's ever been interested in the body of a woman over 40. –Conan O’Brien
Hillary Clinton has begun pledging $30 billion over the next decade to retrain coal miners to be able to work in newer technology businesses, so get ready for an interesting trip to the Apple Store. –Seth Meyers
A restaurant in Manhattan has created a $15, 25-ounce milk shake, which comes in a cream cheese frosted glass covered in marshmallows and cereal, filled with ice cream and topped with a cinnamon bun. At least that's what it said on the toxicology report. –Seth Meyers
Apple next week is expected to unveil the iPhone 7. "How's the camera?" asked Anthony Weiner. –Seth Meyers

Just for the hell of it, they threw in the Nobel Prize in Economics

BeyoncĂ© won Best Pop Video, Best Female Video, Best Choreography, Breakthrough Longform Video, Best Direction, Cinematography, Editing, and Video of the Year. Just for the hell of it, they threw in the Nobel Prize in Economics. –Conan O’Brien
A developer in New York wants to build an IHOP on top of a Revolutionary War cemetery. IHOP's CEO said, "It makes sense, we've killed more Americans than the British ever did." –Conan O’Brien
A 25-year-old has scammed over $1 million from Trump supporters. It’s being called "the first time in years that the Trump name has actually made someone money." –Conan O’Brien

So the favorite to sweep the VMAs next year is Huma Abedin

The CEO of Wendy's says the election is hurting the chain's burger sales — people are spending less because they are worried about the future. Let's be honest here, if you're eating a Wendy's Baconator, you're probably not too concerned about the future. –Jimmy Fallon
Kim Jong Un reportedly threw a huge outdoor dance party on Thursday to celebrate the successful test of North Korea's ballistic missile. Residents described the party as fun, exciting, and mandatory. –Jimmy Fallon
At last night’s VMAs, BeyoncĂ©'s album "Lemonade," about her husband’s cheating, won seven awards. So the favorite to sweep the VMAs next year is Huma Abedin. –Conan O’Brien

Criticizing Hillary Clinton Is Homophobic! Says Gay Journalist

Mind Blowing Sexism Charge By Paid Hillary Shill Gets Called Out

Coldplay - Speed Of Sound (Live From Austin City)

Bruce Springsteen: What's so funny 'bout peace, love & understanding

Elvis Costello & The Attractions - (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love A...

Hillary Abandons Progressives, Sets Sights On Disgruntled Republicans

Robert Fitrakis: Sanders May Have Lost Due to Election Fraud

Monday, August 29, 2016

The Cramps-What's Inside A Girl?

Evidence Of The Fracking Dangers Are Mounting

Obama’s Lesbian Farmer Invasion Thwarted By Rush Limbaugh

Finally somebody in the White House has an exit strategy (perpetual motion machine)

"White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card resigned. I know what you're thinking: Who would leave a dream job like that? Finally somebody in the White House has an exit strategy." --David Letterman

"Andrew Card was talking with the president and he found himself in kind of a difficult situation.  Bush gave him two choices: 1. He could resign or 2. He could go hunting with Cheney." --David Letterman

"Have you been watching the Senate debating the immigration bill? It's great. Every time somebody says 'undocumented worker,  Ted Kennedy does a tequila shot." --David Letterman

What do you mean Jim's dead?/intelligencia malo/Rumsfeld family reunion

"Despite President Bush saying last week that the national anthem should only be sung in English, it was revealed several times during his 2000 presidential campaign the song was performed in Spanish. Bush said that his comments last week were based on 'intelligencia malo.'" --Amy Poehler

"According to a national response plan, the U.S. government forecasts massive disruption if bird flu arises, with as much as 40% of the national workforce off the job. It's called the 'Holy God, what the hell is going on? What do you mean Jim's dead? Everyone shut up. I need to think. Are you coughing? Oh great, now we're all dead' plan." --Amy Poehler

"While speaking in Atlanta on Thursday, Defense Secretary  Donald Rumsfeld was repeatedly interrupted by angry protesters, with one woman shouting, 'This man needs to be imprisoned for war crimes.' What makes it worse is that he was speaking at a Rumsfeld family reunion." --Tina Fey

aim high because if they didn't, they might shoot someone in the face

"It was announced today that George Bush's childhood home in Texas has been turned into a museum. Unfortunately, once you get inside you can't find your way out." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form of flattery." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at his old high school in Casper, Wyoming, last weekend. He told graduating seniors to aim high because if they didn't, they might shoot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

Colin Kaepernick On Why He Sat During The National Anthem

Anthony Weiner Can't Stop Texting People His Dick

getting your breath back will cost you over $600 (Putin named world's sexiest leader)

After starting a firestorm, Mylan's CEO Heather Bresch came forward to address the criticism. She said, “Look, no one's more frustrated than me.” She's frustrated! I mean, the tone-deafness of that just takes your breath away and getting your breath back will cost you over $600. –Stephen Colbert 
The FBI is investigating whether Russian intelligence agencies have hacked the computers at The New York Times, or as the Times reported it, "Putin named world's sexiest leader." –Stephen Colbert
McDonald's recalled the wristbands after they left people with burns and blisters — which, technically, is the job of their apple pie filling. –Stephen Colbert

Happy Anniversary, Brad and Angelina! (trying to pay for a TV with dimes)

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt celebrated their second wedding anniversary this week. They said it was a small celebration, just them and their immediate army — I mean family. –Jimmy Fallon
New research found that young people actually have higher stress and anxiety than older people. It’s mainly due to the older person in front of them trying to pay for a TV with dimes. –Jimmy Fallon
Mylan, the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens for less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you into shock, but don't do it because you can't afford the pen anymore. –Stephen Colbert

Rihanna's Holy Crap Moment (Barbara! Google me!)

A producer for the VMA’s says that apparently Rihanna is going to deliver a “holy crap moment.” Donald Trump was like, “Who cares? Try doing that twice a day, every day.” –Jimmy Fallon
The Washington Post published an entire biography of Donald Trump that’s 431 pages long. Trump said it’s a little longer than the books he likes to read, by about 431 pages. –Jimmy Fallon 
The Trump biography also reveals that he doesn’t have a computer at his desk in Trump Tower. Instead, every five minutes he just shouts at his secretary, “Barbara! Google me!” –Jimmy Fallon