Thursday, October 29, 2015

Trump is now currently working on plans to build an enormous needle

Yesterday, Donald Trump told the crowd in Iowa, "I am a great Christian." If you have to tell people you're a great Christian, you might not be a great Christian. Jesus said it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God. Which is why Donald Trump is now currently working on plans to build an enormous needle. –Jimmy Kimmel
Ben Carson's strongest support comes from evangelical Christians, a group that Donald Trump has had real trouble with, evidently. People who read the Bible just don't want to follow someone who looks that much like a golden calf. –Stephen Colbert
Earlier this week Donald Trump received the endorsement of one of America's great political minds. Remember, Mike Tyson once bit a man's ear off on national television — and endorsing Donald Trump is the craziest thing he has ever done. –James Corden
The only acceptable time to take advice from a man with a face tattoo is if you're wondering how to hide a body. –James Corden

two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants

The math skills of American students have dropped for the first time since 1990. Or as American math students put it, "Since eight years ago." –Conan O’Brien
Tonight was the World Series and the Republican debate. In other words, two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants. –Conan O’Brien
Did you see that baseball game last night? 14 innings. It was the second-longest game in World Series history, it was brutal. I'm exhausted. My wife said to me this morning, “You realize you're exhausted from watching other men play sports?” –Jimmy Kimmel
That World Series game last night was longer than a voice mail from your mother. –Jimmy Kimmel

The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween

On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump’s biggest group of supporters: "People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot." –Conan O’Brien
Tonight’s Republican debate took place in Colorado, where marijuana is legal. Which explains why every single question from the audience was, "Where am I?" –Conan O’Brien
A new study just came out that shows decreasing the amount of sugar in obese children's diet improves their health within 10 days. The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween. –Conan O’Brien

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Are these hot Dougs or all-Frank beefs?

Former President George W. Bush yesterday spoke to voters on his brother’s behalf, and told them “one reason Jeb is going to win is because he’s a fierce competitor.” Adding, “And one reason he’s going to lose is because of me." –Seth Meyers
The U.S. Air Force announced today their new model of stealth bomber will cost half a billion dollars each. And, even worse, it uses a different charger than the old model. –Seth Meyers
A shocking investigation has found that after testing 75 brands of hot dogs, 2 percent of them contained human DNA. Some of those hot dogs are actually hot Dougs. –Stephen Colbert
The report doesn't specify the source of the human DNA. Is it hair? Is it fingernails? Did a lonely factory worker stay late one night and seduce a sausage casing machine? Could your pig in a blanket have a bun in the oven? This news completely changes America's love affair with the all-beef frank. Or should I say the all-Frank beef? –Stephen Colbert

Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family

Dr. Ben Carson, for the first time ever, leads Donald Trump in a new national poll. According to the new CBS News/New York Times poll, Carson at 26 percent, Trump is in second place with 22 percent. Jeb Bush only has 7 percent. Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family, even below Billy Bush. –Jimmy Kimmel
In response to his drop to second in the polls, Donald Trump said today that he will run until the very end and does not mind running from behind. Trump says he knows what it’s like to be the underdog, because he wears one on his head. –Seth Meyers
President Obama gave a speech in Chicago this afternoon and told police they have “work to do to restore trust” in minority communities. It was going pretty well, but halfway through the speech, Obama got pulled over. –Seth Meyers

eight-pound block of peanut brittle

Chris Christie was kicked out of the Amtrak quiet car for making too much noise. Christie said it wasn’t him that was making the noise, it was his eight-pound block of peanut brittle. –Conan O’Brien
A cracker that survived the sinking of the Titanic sold today for $23,000. Experts say the 100-year-old Titanic cracker pairs very well with any hot dog from 7-Eleven. –Conan O’Brien
There is a new innovation poised to change life as we know it. Domino's Pizza has invented a delivery car with a pizza oven built inside of it. –James Corden
When I was a kid I was the wolf man every year. Every year I would put on a flannel shirt and glue some hair to my face and I was the wolf man. Now you can't get away with that. Nowadays you let your kid wear the same costume seven years in a row you will get a visit from Child Protective Services. –Jimmy Kimmel

even Jeb Bush doesn’t want to go out dressed as Jeb Bush

A biscuit that survived the sinking of the Titanic begs the question: Why didn't they make the entire ship out of those biscuits? The biscuits should be made out of the ship — the ship should be made out of the biscuits! –Jimmy Fallon
One of the top political Halloween costumes this year is Donald Trump. Meanwhile, even Jeb Bush doesn’t want to go out dressed as Jeb Bush. –Conan O’Brien
There is a new app that will tell you before you buy a house if there was ever a meth lab in it. All the app does is ask, "Is the house in Florida?" –Conan O’Brien
Russia is making plans to send four monkeys to Mars. Not as preparation for a human mission — but because the monkeys criticized Vladimir Putin. –Conan O’Brien

I think we're back to normal, everyone!

New York has a team in the World Series and Donald Trump is no longer ahead in the polls — I think we're back to normal, everyone! –Jimmy Fallon
Paul Ryan finally agreed to run for Speaker of the House even though he’s repeatedly said he didn't want to run. So basically, Paul Ryan is that guy at karaoke who just pretends like he doesn't want to sing. –Jimmy Fallon
Some good news for people who are making holiday travel plans: American Airlines just announced that it will start offering “no-frills” tickets that don't cost as much. The discounted tickets eliminate previously free services such as snacks, seat selection, or destination selection. “Oh, you wanted the East Coast of THIS country?" –Jimmy Fallon

I guess my bologna really does have a first name.

The New York Mets are in the World Series! Which means a lot of New Yorkers are going to stand in front of a mirror today and practice saying, “I’ve ALWAYS had this hat.” –Seth Meyers
Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. It was the first time anyone has ever blown out the candles on a birthday cake and NOBODY wondered what they wished for. –Seth Meyers
Donald Trump said in an interview this weekend that Iraq is the “Harvard of terrorism.” And he’s got a point: The only reason George W. Bush got into Iraq is because his dad went there. –Seth Meyers
Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really does have a first name. –Stephen Colbert

Do they think it means delicious?

A new poll conducted by the Associated Press shows a majority of Republican voters think Donald Trump is the most electable Republican candidate. Saying Donald Trump is the most electable candidate is like saying glazed is the healthiest doughnut. Is it possible people don't know what the word electable means? Do they think it means delicious? –Jimmy Kimmel
Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is trying to get momentum going by releasing a new book. It's a collection of emails he sent and received when he was governor of Florida. The book is called "Reply all." Because nothing gets people excited like group email. –Jimmy Kimmel
In addition to the book, Jeb is launching the "Jeb can fix it" tour. Their new slogan: "Jeb can fix it." Fix the election? That might be his only hope. –Jimmy Kimmel

the phrase "trick-or-treat" has been replaced with..

One of the top Halloween costumes this year is Donald Trump. Which is why this year, the phrase "trick-or-treat" has been replaced with "gimme a Kit Kat or I’ll deport you." –Conan O’Brien
Ben Carson now holds a 14-point lead over Donald Trump in Iowa. Experts say Carson appeals to Iowa’s conservatives, Iowa’s evangelicals, and both of Iowa’s black people. –Conan O’Brien
Ben Carson tried to kill one of his friends with a camping knife, but sure, let's keep talking about whether Hillary Clinton used Yahoo or Gmail. –James Corden

Even when I get into Harvard, I still embarrass my parents

You may have heard I had yet another mishap. This time I injured my other hand right after getting an award from Harvard. Even when I get into Harvard, I still embarrass my parents. –Jimmy Fallon
Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, "Donald Trump." –Jimmy Fallon
Last week Democratic candidates Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced that they are dropping out of the race. Which raises the question, what if two trees fall in the forest and there's nobody there to hear it? –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, October 23, 2015

When I say that, I get in trouble.

I don't know if anybody was watching the Benghazi hearings. They were going all day. There was one moment when a representative told Hillary Clinton he could wait while she read her notes. She said, “I can do more than one thing at a time.” Then Bill Clinton said, "When I say that, I get in trouble." –Conan O’Brien
The Chinese community, the Communist Party has banned gluttony, excessive drinking and adultery. Now hey, if you guys don't want American tourists, just say so! –Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, the Chicago Cubs were knocked out of the baseball playoffs. Just swept, knocked out. Or as it’s known in Chicago, the first sign of winter. That's how they know. It's right up there with the first frost. –Conan O’Brien
The unthinkable has happened, the Mets are going to the World Series. Last night, a four-game sweep of the Chicago Cubs. Mets haven't won a World Series since 1986. The world was a lot different in 1986. We thought "Crocodile Dundee" was a good movie. –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Cubs fans haven’t been this disappointed since every moment of their lives

The Cubs are on the verge of being eliminated from the National League playoffs. Cubs fans haven’t been this disappointed since every moment of their lives. –Conan O’Brien
Today is "Back to the Future" Day. It’s the day Marty McFly traveled forward in time only to find out the most important thing to people in 2015 is movies from the '80s. –Conan O’Brien
Joe Biden announced he is not running for president. And so, as promised, Hillary Clinton immediately released his dog. –Conan O’Brien

President Obama sang to Usher

At the White House the other day, President Obama sang to Usher. And because the president was singing, Usher went to the Situation Room and approved a drone strike in Syria. –Conan O’Brien
The University of Louisville is being accused of luring basketball recruits to the school with strippers and prostitutes. To be fair, college ball is supposed to prepare them for life in the NBA. –Conan O’Brien

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The stupidest beer commercial they’ve ever seen

The trailer for the new "Star Wars" movie made its debut last night during Monday Night Football. "Star Wars" fans called it a titillating glimpse into the new franchise, while football fans called it the stupidest beer commercial they’ve ever seen. –Conan O’Brien
The new "Star Wars" trailer was released during Monday Night Football and today, all the "Star Wars" fans are asking "Where’s Luke?" and "Why is Leia crying?" "Star Wars" fans are also asking, "What’s a football?" –Conan O’Brien

She doesn’t dance to "Cherry Pie," she gives you the recipe for it

In New York, a 100-year-old woman still works 11 hours a day, six days a week. The bad news is, she’s a stripper. She doesn’t dance to "Cherry Pie," she gives you the recipe for it. –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump is now trying to appeal to Southerners. Yeah, he’s been touring the South and pointing to his hair, saying "How y’all like my critter?" –Conan O’Brien
Canada’s new Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, once put on a striptease show for charity. In Canada, a strip tease just means unzipping your outer layer of fleece. –Conan O’Brien

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

resell them as rock concert smoke machines

A high school student hacked the AOL email account of John Brennan, the director of the CIA. In other words, the student correctly guessed that the password of anyone still using AOL is "password." –Conan O’Brien
Oprah Winfrey is buying a 10 percent stake in Weight Watchers. Oprah’s financial advisor asked her if she wanted to buy a large stake and Oprah said, "Oh, yeah!" –Conan O’Brien
Volkswagen may be forced to buy back all the cars that failed to properly pass their emissions tests. Volkswagen officials say that’s fine — because they plan to resell them as rock concert smoke machines. –Conan O’Brien

No word on what the winner gets

Jeb Bush’s campaign has a contest now where someone will be flown to Houston to meet him, his dad, and his brother. No word on what the winner gets. –Conan O’Brien
While accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Eddie Murphy did a Bill Cosby impression. Murphy’s Cosby impression was so accurate, nine women are suing him. –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump is now saying that his immigration policies would have prevented 9/11. Trump is also claiming his hair would have kept the Titanic afloat. –Conan O’Brien

Crap. What do I gotta do to lose this thing?

Jeb Bush's campaign announced yesterday that it raised over $13 million last quarter, which means it's doing better than most of the other major campaigns. Or as Jeb put it, “Crap. What do I gotta do to lose this thing?!" –Jimmy Fallon
Actually, I saw that Jeb Bush's campaign has been staying at cheaper hotels to save money. Which would make Jeb the first politician ever to book a room at a cheap motel just to sleep. –Jimmy Fallon
At the debate on Tuesday Democratic candidate Lincoln Chafee bragged about the fact that in 30 years of public service, he’s never had one scandal. Well, it just came out that Chafee once used taxpayer money to buy frogs for his office aquarium. People said, “Well at least it wasn't a sex scandal.” And Chafee said, “Riiiight…” –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, October 16, 2015

even the American DREAM is made in China

Analysts are saying that Joe Biden was actually the biggest loser in the debate, and that he missed his chance to enter the race. Yeah, they said entering now would be awkward and inappropriate - or as Biden put it, “Those are my two middle names! I’m in!” –Jimmy Fallon
New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the “American Dream.” That’s when you know things are bad - when even the American DREAM is made in China. –Jimmy Fallon
The best way to survive an earthquake is to move to a place that doesn't ever have them. But if the big one does hit, don't run. If there's an earthquake, try to contact your nearest Dwayne Johnson. And he will help you, he will save you. –Jimmy Kimmel

Gary Busey follows him around with some nunchucks

Now that the dust has settled from the Democratic debate, it looks like Hillary Clinton is going to remain the Democratic front-runner. And believe it or not over on the Republican side, Donald Trump is still in the lead. And now Trump is saying that he should be given Secret Service protection. As opposed to his current security: having Gary Busey follow him around with some nunchucks. –Jimmy Fallon
A study found that one of the most popular searches during the debate was, “Is Bernie Sanders Jewish?” While the most popular response on Google was, “Come on.” –Jimmy Fallon   

National Apologize to the Waiter Day

During the debate, the candidates mentioned the middle class eleven times. Once for each remaining member of the middle class. –Seth Meyers
Today is National Take Your Parents to Lunch Day. Or as it’s also known, National Apologize to the Waiter Day. –Seth Meyers 
Police in New Jersey have announced that they have seized more than 11 pounds of cocaine someone tried to ship through the mail. Authorities became suspicious when the mailman left a note saying he attempted delivery at 9:30, 9:41, 9:52, 10:07, 10:20, 10:27. –Seth Meyers
Turned out it was the highest-rated debate for the Democrats ever. More than 15 million people tuned in to watch Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and the three high school principals they invited to fill out the stage. –Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

his face turned red 20 years ago

Donald Trump asked a young man who appeared to be Asian-American if he was from South Korea, to which the man replied, "I was born in Texas." Trump was so embarrassed that his face turned red 20 years ago. –Seth Meyers
Playboy magazine is going to stop publishing nude photos of women starting next year. So now if you want to see a naked woman you'll have to go to HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, the Internet, Burning Man, a PETA protest, perfume ads, or ESPN The Magazine. –Seth Meyers

That's like an open invitation to Kanye West to jump on stage

Tonight on CNN was the mildly anticipated first debate between the Democratic candidates. If you were in Vegas tonight you get to see Elton John, Donny and Marie, the Judds, or you can go and see the presidential debate. There's really something for everyone. –Jimmy Kimmel
They were keeping a spare podium open for Joe Biden in case he decided to enter the race at the last minute, as if he's going to walk in and shock everyone like a Spanish soap opera or something. You can't just leave an empty podium with a mic on stage like that. That's like an open invitation to Kanye West to jump on stage. –Jimmy Kimmel

My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated

Trump didn’t have too many nice things to say about the Democratic debate. In fact, he said he thinks people would turn on the Democratic debate for a few minutes and then fall asleep. Then CNN was like, “Hey, that still counts! Ratings are ratings! Just leave it on! We don't care.” –Jimmy Fallon
A new analysis of recent political speeches found that George W. Bush actually used longer and more complex words in his speeches than President Obama does. Granted none of those words were actually in the dictionary. "Don't be condescencious. My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated.” –Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Train Sounds: Volume 12

It’s Columbus Day. In honor of Christopher Columbus, I went to a grocery store and got lost looking for spices. –Seth Meyers
Dr. Ben Carson made news last week by saying that the holocaust could have been averted if European Jews had had guns. Though I’m pretty sure what he meant to say was, “I don’t want to be president.” –Seth Meyers
North Korea this weekend held a military parade celebrating the 70th anniversary of their communist party. People who attended the parade called it “amazing” and “mandatory.” –Seth Meyers
The White House yesterday released First Lady Michelle Obama's Spotify playlist, which features Beyonce, Demi Lovato and Esperanza Spalding. While Joe Biden’s playlist is just, “Now That’s What I Call Train Sounds: Volume 12.” –Seth Meyers

Still not the clumsiest attempt to get to second base

Tonight was game three between the Mets and Dodgers right here at CitiField! But the big story is from Saturday, when Dodgers player Chase Utley slid into second base and injured Rubén Tejada from the Mets. Or as my prom date called it, “Still not the clumsiest attempt to get to second base.” –Jimmy Fallon
Tyler Perry announced that he bought an army base in Atlanta and plans to turn it into a movie studio. And when they heard Madea was taking over an army base, ISIS immediately surrendered. –Jimmy Fallon

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Bieber's funeral is tomorrow

They're saying that Republican candidate Ben Carson made a number of serious mistakes as a neurosurgeon and even left a sponge in one patient's brain. When asked how it affected his life, the patient was like "It's fine, I'm still running for president. I don't care. Everything's great. It's gonna be huge." –Jimmy Fallon
California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Yeah. Just in time for Lakers season. –Conan O’Brien
Lexus has built a drivable car made of cardboard. Part of the new motto is, "Nothing can stop our cars except a light drizzle." –Conan O’Brien
Ultimate fighting champion Ronda Rousey is mad at Justin Bieber because Bieber refused to take a picture with her little sister. Bieber's funeral is tomorrow. –Conan O’Brien

one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson

Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye’s Chicken and told the gunman, “I believe you want the guy behind the counter.” So we know at least one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson. –Seth Meyers
Republican presidential hopeful John Kasich made fun of a young woman at a campaign event this week by calling on her for a question and saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t have any Taylor Swift tickets.” This morning Taylor Swift announced that John Kasich is out of the squad. –Seth Meyers

I think we already see enough of you on TV, mate.

The race for president is really starting to get competitive, and Donald Trump recently said that he's actually getting ready to air his first campaign ads. Even the Geico lizard was like, "I think we already see enough of you on TV, mate." –Jimmy Fallon
House Republicans announced a sudden postponement to the vote to elect John Boehner’s replacement, after speakership front-runner Kevin McCarthy declared himself “unfit” for the job. Though I think he just got scared of how difficult that job must be when he found out that John Boehner is 31 years old. –Seth Meyers

Thursday, October 8, 2015

and a GREAT chance for Melania to escape

A new study found that cats that are shown affection by humans are healthier than those who aren’t. While humans who are shown affection by cats don’t exist. –Seth Meyers
Donald Trump is reportedly planning new campaign events that will feature his wife, Melania. It’s a good chance for Trump to connect with female voters, and a GREAT chance for Melania to escape. –Seth Meyers

I'm going some of the way, then I'll go home.

Anthropologists have released more information about a recently discovered extinct human species. We're finding out all this really cool stuff. They say the species lived in trees, had brains the size of an orange, and plans to vote for Donald Trump for president. –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump recently said, "I'm going all the way and I'm going to win." And Mike Huckabee said, "I'm going some of the way, then I'll go home." –Conan O’Brien
U.S. officials have been wondering why, according to photos, ISIS seems to have so many Toyotas. One clue seems to be ISIS's credo, "Fanatical about Islam, sensible about gas mileage." –Conan O’Brien

if you're a guy and you get pregnant, it definitely DIDN’T work

Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country. –Jimmy Fallon
Scientists are getting close to creating the first-ever male birth control pill. They’re not sure how the pill is gonna work, but if you're a guy and you get pregnant, it definitely DIDN’T work. –Jimmy Fallon

Yes it does — revenge.

Hillary Clinton's 68th birthday is coming up this month, and to celebrate, Hillary is planning to hold a big fundraiser here in New York City. You gotta give it to Hillary — she's the only grandmother who hears about a birthday and expects the checks to come to HER. –Jimmy Fallon
I read that Hillary's staff is starting to worry that her campaign still doesn’t have an official theme. Then Hillary said, “Yes it does — revenge.” –Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

he’s only tied with low-fat milk

Bud Light has created a new device that alerts you when the beer supply in your fridge is running low. The device is known as your roommate Chad. –Conan O’Brien
General Mills is recalling a number of Cheerios products because some boxes that were labeled gluten-free were not gluten-free. As a result, 1.8 million boxes of Cheerios and Honey Nut Cheerios are being removed from the shelves at stores. This sounds to me like the work of that evil dictator, Vladimir Gluten. –Jimmy Kimmel
Martin O’Malley, ex-governor of Maryland, is running for president. He’s at 2 percent in the polls. He’s been in the race eight months, and he’s only tied with low-fat milk. –Jimmy Fallon

definitely get a second opinion

A lot of people think that when the Republican field clears it will come down to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump. Kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair. –Jimmy Fallon
Dr. Ben Carson hosted a Facebook Q&A last night, and said the loss of gun rights is more devastating than seeing people die from gun violence. So if Ben Carson is your doctor, definitely get a second opinion. –Seth Meyers
Dr. Ben Carson spoke with Kanye West recently and said that he is “very impressed” with Kanye’s knowledge of business. And Kanye said that he is very impressed with Kanye’s knowledge of business. –Seth Meyers