Democrats never do anything to help their approval rating (it’s still in the original wrapping)

President Trump’s visited the Museum of the Bible in Washington DC, where he announced that he had donated his personal Bible, gifted to him by his mother, to the museum. And it’s even more valuable, because it’s still in the original wrapping. —Seth Meyers

And in a post last week on Truth Social, Trump claimed that Democratic lawmakers were only advocating for Epstein survivors in response to the party’s low approval rating. That’s ridiculous. Democrats never do anything to help their approval rating. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which one is the good McDonald’s? (Democrats promised him a cake, but then they gave it to Hillary)

Even though she told people she won, Stacey Abrams claims she was never confused about losing the governor’s race in Georgia. You know what else she's never confused about? Which one is the good McDonald’s? —Greg Gutfeld 

Yesterday was Bernie Sanders 84th birthday. Yeah. Democrats promised him a cake, but then they gave it to Hillary. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, her idea of marriage equality is that both of you should get to be president (toast)

Officials in Japan have begun criticizing President Trump's state visit later this month following reports that Trump would be given a chair to sit on while attending a sumo-wrestling tournament rather than following the traditional custom of sitting on the floor. Hey, that's just how he is. When Melania gave birth, he took the bed. --Seth Meyers

At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, “Donald Trump is toast.” Incidentally, “toast” is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to. –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is that both of you should get to be president." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he already had a son named Trevor (Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed)

An Australian man is making headlines after he started treating an abandoned shopping cart as his son, naming it Trevor and giving it a pair of sneakers. Even sadder, he already had a son named Trevor. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's Not Wrong (they’re planning to open a second checkout lane)

According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called 'Pasta and Politics.' It went so well that he's agreed to go on 'Meet the Garlic Press.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's be a lot cooler if you did (More important, how could you tell if they were?)

So AOC is being called out for flying first class to speak at a Bernie Sanders fight oligarchy rally. We haven't seen this kind of hypocrisy since R Kelly told me not to pee on the toilet seat. —Greg Gutfeld

Financial experts predict that Trump’s tariffs may increase the cost of Botox. So are its regular users concerned? More important, how could you tell if they were? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anyone else as turned on as I am? (585 earthquakes)

Hillary Clinton recently said it's a “low blow” for Bernie Sanders to criticize her for not being progressive enough. And if you want to know more about that story, do NOT Google “Clinton low blow.” Save yourself. –Jimmy Fallon

After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I'm not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me." Then Chris Christie was like, "Anyone else as turned on as I am?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which means tomorrow is the Best Cigarette of Your Life” day (that place that serves unlimited breadsticks)

Bernie Sanders this weekend argued against the major political fundraising families, saying, “That is not called democracy, that is called oligarchy.” Bernie, you gotta dumb it down a little. Most Americans think “oligarchy” is that place that serves unlimited breadsticks. –Seth Meyers

Today is the Great American Smokeout day, which encourages smokers to try and go 24 hours without having a cigarette. Which means tomorrow is the Best Cigarette of Your Life” day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines (She came in third — behind a bag of weed)

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to skydive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a machine gun made out of Bibles (My brother in Christ, you are the taxes)

New tax filings show that President Donald Trump’s former bodyguard has been receiving $15,000 a month from the Republican National Committee since leaving the White House. You realize what that means, right? Trump was sleeping with his bodyguard, too! --James Corden

President Trump had his high school grades sealed. So including the hush money payment to a porn star, this makes two attempts by Trump to hide his secret Fs. --James Corden

A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie's campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It's like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s part of their “They Deserve Each Other” tour (taste like plumber)

Former White House adviser Steve Bannon is heading to Alabama to campaign for embattled candidate Roy Moore. It’s part of their “They Deserve Each Other” tour. –Conan O’Brien

Nintendo has teamed with Kellogg's to make a Mario Brothers cereal. Kellogg's promises that the Super Mario cereal will “taste like plumber.” –Conan O’Brien

Two properties associated with Donald Trump have decided to remove his name from their building. Sadly, neither one is the White House. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: Think Things Are Bad Now? Just Wait, Says Chris Hedges

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

You said we had a deal! (their new seats only recline forward)

Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats on their planes. And if you think that's bad, Southwest just announced that their new seats only recline forward. --Jimmy Fallon

New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary's lead in national polls is dwindling. I don't want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, "You said we had a deal!" –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called into a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police. -- Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They just shoved two names together and called it a day (Don’t make me take off my mittens!)

It’s U.F.C.-SPAN all of a sudden. Senator Bernie Sanders, independent of Vermont and the chairman of the panel, had to step in and demand the two behave like U.S. lawmakers. Grandpa Bernie is about to turn this car around, and then nobody is going to Six Flags. That isn’t the first time Bernie Sanders was forced to play the role of peacemaker. You know, when he was originally elected to the Senate, he tried to convince Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton to hug it out, and that didn’t work, either. That didn’t end well at all. — Jimmy Kimmel

“[imitating Bernie Sanders] Zip it, Bunson Honeydew! Sit down, or I will come over there and redistribute the top 10 percent of my fist to 99 percent of your face! I will split your lip like pea soup! Don’t make me take off my mittens!” — Stephen Colbert

“I knew this dude was trouble from the moment I heard his name, Markwayne, all one word. His parents — his parents didn’t even love him enough to pick one single name for him. They just shoved two names together and called it a day.” — Leslie Jones

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And it wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half (No, thank you. Not interested)

Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan. –Seth Meyers

Researchers have begun collecting data to develop a pill that will allow users to experience the benefits of exercise without having to work out. Said Americans, "So I have to get up, get a glass of water, unscrew the pill cap? No, thank you. Not interested." –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that the record turnout for Bernie Sanders’ rallies is great for the Democratic Party. And it wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It was like the Sesame Street of hate (take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale)

Bernie Sanders has ignited a lot of passion, primarily among young people. And the incredible thing is he did it without posting even a single nude selfie. –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, a garage sale is fine, but California owes $30 billion. If we really want to make money, forget the garage sale, take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Anti-health care reform protesters outside the Capitol were downright vicious. They yelled the N-word at black legislators, they yelled the F-word at gay legislators, they yelled the W-word at Latino legislators. It was like the Sesame Street of hate." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Police describe the suspect as pretty much anyone with a gold toilet brush (You know what? Just take it.)

"Economists say the recession is getting so bad, it's driving down the prices of many goods. In fact, folks, it has gotten so bad, the 99-cent store just changed its name to 'You know what? Just take it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It has come out that when Moammar Gadhafi's Libyan compound was raided back in 2011, someone stole his gold toilet brush. Police describe the suspect as pretty much anyone with a gold toilet brush." –Conan O'Brien

This morning, Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton. So, as promised, this afternoon, the Clinton campaign released Bernie Sanders' wife. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine (After all we've been through together?)

Ben from Ben & Jerry's has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "After all we've been through together?" –Conan O’Brien

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"This is true, though. This is Obama's 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles (Actually, my name's Ricky)

Bernie Sanders said that he knows people are disappointed in the results of the primaries, saying, “I think it’s fair to say nobody is more disappointed than I am.” At which point, Jeb Bush threw his empty Hagen Daazs container at the TV. –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists from Indiana discovered that an 8-year-old orangutan named Rocky can mimic human voices and copy words in a conversational way. But it got awkward when the first thing he said was, "Actually, my name's Ricky.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a chance to regift this goat (Moneybags McPantsuit)

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.” –Jimmy Fallon

A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." --Jimmy Fallon

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”