Friday, September 29, 2017

Jimmy Kimmel: Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #11

Did I say guests? I meant cats. 70 cats (3,000 pounds of marijuana)

Police discovered over 3,000 pounds of marijuana in a car in Colorado after the owner admitted, quote, “It’s just a little, I can throw it out.” –Seth Meyers

Fast-food chain Arby’s is serving a limited-edition Cookie Butter Milkshake. And any customers who order it will also be limited-edition. –Seth Meyers

A woman in Italy recently married herself in a ceremony that included a three-layer wedding cake, bridesmaids, and 70 guests. Did I say guests? I meant cats. 70 cats. –Seth Meyers #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over (pretty black and white)

Democrats are reportedly hopeful that controversial judge Roy Moore’s Republican primary victory in Alabama may boost their chances for a competitive Senate race in the state. In a related story, Wile E. Coyote says he really feels like he has a shot this time. –Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders today said there isn’t anything to clarify about Trump’s position on NFL players kneeling during the national anthem, because the issue is, quote, “pretty black and white.” And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over. –Seth Meyers #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

the Russians are calling it a space station (golf resort/casino)

Congratulations are in order for Khloe Kardashian, who reportedly has a baby in her. Khloe isn’t the only one in the family expecting. Her younger sister Kylie is pregnant, her older sister Kim is having a baby with a surrogate. It’s interesting, right? Three major hurricanes this month, three new Kardashians. There has to be a connection. Of course no one is more excited than grandma Kris Jenner, who is about to sign three new clients. –Jimmy Kimmel
Russia and the United States, with all that’s happening between us right now, have announced an agreement to team up to build a space station on the moon. Although I should say the Russians are calling it a space station; for some reason the White House keeps referring to it as a golf resort/casino. –Jimmy Kimmel #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

robots performing dental surgery (too stoned to walk)

In Britain, a group of hikers had to be rescued from the country’s highest peak because they were too stoned to walk. The hikers were thousands of feet high, and then they started climbing the mountain. –Conan O’Brien

In China, for the first time ever, a robot performed dental surgery without human assistance. Everyone was excited until they remembered that the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room. –Conan O’Brien #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

the groom came home with 12 brides (I'll just stick with Little Nemo)

The other day in Australia, a wedding took place inside a Costco. Because it was Costco, the groom came home with 12 brides. –Conan O’Brien

San Diego has started building a border wall. Not to keep out immigrants, but to keep the LA Chargers from coming back. –Conan O’Brien #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

how the ancient Egyptians got Mexico to pay for it (think about baseball)

Washington Monument. Which explains why the Washington Monument is like, “Think about baseball, think about baseball, think about baseball...” –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers say they may have figured out how the ancient Egyptians built the Great Pyramid of Giza. What they haven’t figured out is how the ancient Egyptians got Mexico to pay for it. –Conan O’Brien #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

what are the chances you’re gonna find people who like both Cher AND Broadway musicals?

A musical based on Cher’s life will come to Broadway next year. But I dunno — what are the chances you’re gonna find people who like both Cher AND Broadway musicals? –Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Colorado says that after someone hit her car, they left an apology note, and half a joint. It got weirder when he came back later and said, “Did I accidentally leave my apology note here?” –Jimmy Fallon #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

are you gonna buy a book or not? (Pocket Man)

This week, President Trump unveiled his new tax code, and he said that it will be “simpler to understand.” When asked how simple, he said, “Even I can understand it.” –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that yesterday, a little girl wore a pantsuit to Hillary Clinton’s book signing in New York. Hillary was like, “That is so sweet... now are you gonna buy a book or not?” –Jimmy Fallon #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Gregg Popovich's EPIC Takedown Of Donald Trump and Racism In America

Majority Report: Slimeball Gary Cohn Dodges Question Of Middle Class Taxes Rising Under Horrible Tax Plan

Majority Report: Shannon Sharpe BLASTS Ray Lewis For #NFLTakeAKnee Hypocrisy

Majority Report: Trump’s NFL Statements Might Just Be A Cover Up For His Losses

Stephen Colbert: Trump's Tax Plan Only Sets Us Back $2 Trillion

Young Turks: Why Thousands Of NFL Fans Want To Remove Ray Lewis Statue

Young Turks: Scientific Breakthrough Can Test Live Subjects For CTE

Emma Vigeland: Dianne Feinstein: Half Of California Wants Her Gone

Kids in the Hall - Groovy Teacher

Kids In The Hall - The "Will Do" Guy in Prison

Matchbox Twenty - Stuck in the Middle [Cover]

the Kids in the Hall - Pizzeria

The Kids in the Hall - Plastic Surgeon

The Kids in the Hall - Farmer's Celebrity Encounters

The Kids in the Hall - Career Ending Moments (Leslie De Gaulle Trio)

The Kids in the Hall - Hockey Game Pick-Up (Gay Vampire)

The Kids in the Hall - Mark's Great Sex

Dave Foley on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (2/2/99)

Humanist Report: Bernie Sanders Wiped the Floor With Graham & Cassidy at CNN's Healthcare Debate

The Kids in the Hall - Dr. Seuss Bible

The Kids in the Hall - Love at First Sight (Buddy Cole)

The Kids in the Hall - Headcrusher Vs. Facepincher

The Kids in the Hall - Pit of Ultimate Darkness, pt 2

The Kids in the Hall - Pit of Ultimate Darkness (All Part 1 of 2)

The Kids in the Hall - Scott's Not Gay Anymore

The Kids in the Hall - Bank People (uncensored)

Eddie Vedder - You've Got To Hide Your Love Away

Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains - Los Angeles - 10 April 2012

Garbage 'Milk' San Diego 2015

George Harrison - It Don't Come Easy

Young Turks: Trump On Firing Tom Price: 'We'll See'

Lee Camp: What You AREN'T Being Told About Puerto Rico

Thursday, September 28, 2017

A spanking, really/In God We Trust/embarrassed and pissed

Trump could really use a win right now because things have not been going his way by any measure. The latest is the Alabama GOP Senate primary. Trump tweeted his support for Luther Strange. He did robocalls, held a rally for him. He went all in! Well, remember how Trump predicted we'd get tired of winning? Well, I think he's already there because he lost, badly. A spanking, really. –Stephen Colbert

White House aides say the president is "embarrassed and pissed." Which coincidentally is replacing "In God We Trust" on all U.S. currency. –Stephen Colbert #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Especially when their voice says, "You're home early!" (the Jets will not)

A new study has determined that people in relationships can detect infidelity in their partner's voice. Especially when their voice says, "You're home early!" –Seth Meyers

It was reported today that Justin Timberlake may perform at the Super Bowl in February. And that the Jets will not. –Seth Meyers #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

is also the title of his Russian hotel tape (pissed and embarrassed-Up!!!)

According to CNN, after the candidate he was backing for the Alabama special Senate election lost, President Trump was quote, "pissed and embarrassed." Incidentally, "pissed and embarrassed" is also the title of his Russian hotel tape. –Seth Meyers

While discussing the corporate tax rate today, President Trump said that "20" is his ideal number and he is "not negotiating that number." Which is the same thing he says when he orders chicken McNuggets. –Seth Meyers #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

overcompensating a bit (favorite porn flick)

The president is overcompensating a bit because he had a rough day yesterday. A candidate he worked very hard to endorse in Alabama lost his election. Senator Luther Strange lost his Republican primary runoff to Roy Moore by 10 points, which was very disappointing to the president. Usually when Trump goes all-in on a loser it's a casino with his name on it. It was an embarrassing blow to his ego. He even went so far as to do something he never does, he deleted three tweets today, where he bragged about how well Luther Strange was doing because of his endorsement. –Jimmy Kimmel #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

no president has ever accomplished what he's accomplished (Jared Kushner is Hillary Clinton)

Monday it came out that Jared Kushner used private emails in his White House job. Today we learn he's registered in New York as a woman. Do you guys realize what this means? Jared Kushner is Hillary Clinton. –James Corden

President Trump tweeted this morning as part of one of his paranoid anti-media rants saying, "Virtually no president has accomplished what we have accomplished in the first nine months." He's right, no president has ever accomplished what he's accomplished. After nine short months we have more nuclear weapons pointed at us than ever before in the history of the United States. –Jimmy Kimmel #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Very Fine People/Sons of Bitches, pt. 2

In political news, Alabama Senate candidate Luther Strange lost in a special Republican runoff election yesterday. Now Luther Strange had been heavily endorsed by Donald Trump, particularly on Twitter. So of course, now that he lost, Trump has deleted all of those tweets. Trump hasn't dumped anyone that fast since his last wife… and his last communications director… and his daughter, Tiffany. –James Corden

Luther Strange lost to a crazy populist candidate who actually pulled out a pistol on stage at his campaign rally earlier this week. Now, technically, it's still not clear if Luther Strange lost to that guy or just surrendered to him. –James Corden #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Let me know when you can like a porn video without the rest of the world knowing about it (taking a knee)

Yesterday Twitter started testing a brand new feature to let some users post tweets with 280 character limits, which is twice the amount that is currently allowed. Yeah, cuz that was a big problem with Twitter — the angry unhinged rants from the president simply weren't long enough. –James Corden

When he heard about this Ted Cruz said 280 characters, big deal. Let me know when you can like a porn video without the rest of the world knowing about it. –James Corden #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

taxpayers and President Trump/two categories (one million Instagram followers)

President Trump says his new tax plan would greatly simplify the U.S. tax code. It would divide everyone into two brackets: "taxpayers" and "President Trump." –Conan O’Brien

Khloé Kardashian is reportedly pregnant. Khloe said she doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl just as long as it has over one million Instagram followers. –Conan O’Brien #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

there's no way that mixing the NFL and politics could possibly go wrong (How dare you!)

There are rumors that NFL legend Peyton Manning may run for Senate. Experts say there's no way that mixing the NFL and politics could possibly go wrong. –Conan O’Brien

The winner of the Alabama Senate primary, Roy Moore, once equated homosexuality to having sex with a cow. Moore went on to say, "However, I also have some criticisms of it." –Conan O’Brien #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Women say that they're excited (villain in a Batman comic)

Paul Ryan said that the tax plan will let people file their taxes on a postcard. Cuz if there's one group you can count on to fix the IRS, it's the Post Office. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, a Republican named Luther Strange lost Alabama Senate primary. So now, "Luther Strange" will go back to his old job — a villain in a Batman comic. –Jimmy Fallon

Saudi Arabia just announced they will let women drive. Women say that they're excited, and can't wait to drive straight out of Saudi Arabia. –Jimmy Fallon #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I need a coloring book! (Ka-ching!)

President Trump has finally addressed the situation in Puerto Rico, and he said that he'll travel there on Tuesday. Trump said he's bringing lots of supplies — in case he gets bored or hungry on the flight over. "I need a coloring book! My binky!" –Jimmy Fallon

Trump's tax plan came out today, and it will significantly help wealthy people with children. Then Kim, Kylie and Khloe were like, "Ka-ching!" –Jimmy Fallon #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Secular Talk: US Bömbed 84 Civilians Including 30 Kids In 2 Syría Strikes

Secular Talk: US Gives Mílítary Aid To 73% Of World's Díctatorshíps

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Michael Brooks: NOI Obama Gives Mark Zuckerberg A HUGE Wake Up Call

That's like bringing a date to see your wife in the hospital (Hindsight is 2020)

They knew they could only afford to lose two votes and Rand Paul and John McCain were already "no's." Then last night, Maine Senator Susan Collins said she wasn't falling for it. One reason was the CBO score, which technically hasn't come out, but they did release an estimate yesterday showing that "the number of people with comprehensive health insurance would be reduced by millions." Yeah, nothing specific, just millions. –Stephen Colbert

As this point, the folks at the CBO must be so tired of analyzing healthcare bills, they're just free-balling it. "What, a new bill? Yeah, let me run the numbers. Yeah, yeah everybody dies!" –Stephen Colbert

So that's it. It's over! And, "The GOP Is already eyeing the next chance to revive the Obamacare repeal." What! What! Already? Graham-Cassidy isn't even dead yet! That's like bringing a date to see your wife in the hospital. –Stephen Colbert #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Bad Apples/kneeling shoes/inside his rect*m

After President Trump called for pro-athletes to be fired if they didn't stand for the national anthem, Nike released a statement yesterday in support of "athletes and their right to freedom of expression." Then they introduced a new line of $400 "kneeling shoes." –Seth Meyers

A Sri Lankan man has been arrested for trying to smuggle $29,000 worth of gold and jewelry inside his rectum. His lawyer says he'll walk, but his doctor's not so sure. –Seth Meyers #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

slash the tires on all the ambulances (But Rhode Island isn't!!)

Senate Republicans announced today they will not hold a vote on the Graham-Cassidy bill to repeal and replace Obamacare after they were unable to secure enough support. But Republicans plan to come back with a new plan where they just slash the tires on all the ambulances. –Seth Meyers

President Trump said today that getting relief efforts to Puerto Rico after the devastation caused by Hurricane Maria is tough because "It's an island." And then, proving he just learned it, yelled, "But Rhode Island isn't!!" –Seth Meyers #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I haven't been this excited about something being dead since Bin Laden

Thank you for joining us on a day of great relief for many millions of Americans. Because the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill, a bill I've been speaking out against all week, it shall not pass. Senator McConnell decided to pull the vote. They didn't have the votes. I haven't been this excited about something being dead since Bin Laden. –Jimmy Kimmel
Today was President Trump's 250th day in office. Or, as he put it, "longer than any President in history." –Seth Meyers #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Hillary Clinton was hospitalized today after rolling her eyes so hard she threw her back out (huckabizzle)

Yesterday officials confirmed that at least six of President Trump's closest advisers used a private email to discuss official White House business. In a related story, Hillary Clinton was hospitalized today after rolling her eyes so hard she threw her back out. –James Corden

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, from now on, "All White House personnel have been instructed to use official email to conduct all government-related work." Unfortunately, she made that statement in an email sent from –James Corden #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

He looks less grim this year! (hunger strike)

After President Trump's inflammatory comments, last night in a show of solidarity, every member of the Dallas Cowboys, along with owner Jerry Jones, took a knee before the national anthem. The Cowboys knelt before the national anthem as a protest, but then stood while it was being played. Isn't that trying to have it both ways? Like, "I'm on a hunger strike but only between meals." Their half-protest still upset many people. Conservatives immediately blasted the move, saying it disrespected the sacred minutes before the national anthem which are for [using the restroom] and buying nachos. –James Corden #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

These experts have been described as "single" (Paul Revere's outhouse)

In Boston, experts believe they have found Paul Revere's outhouse and they say they are excited to examine his fecal matter. These experts have been described as "single." –Conan O’Brien

Trump announced he will visit Puerto Rico next Tuesday and survey the storm damage. However, Trump may have to cancel depending on what happens on Monday Night Football. –Conan O’Brien #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Trump's complaints about the NFL were based on the movie "Rudy"

It's been revealed that a tweet President Trump sent out yesterday about Iran testing a ballistic missile was based on old news footage. Even worse, most of Trump's complaints about the NFL were based on the movie "Rudy." –Conan O’Brien

An employee for the Buffalo Bills quit after the entire team took a knee during the national anthem on Sunday. Meanwhile, an employee for the Los Angeles Chargers quit after watching them play on Sunday. –Conan O’Brien #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

You wanna say that to my face?? (It's very wet)

Donald Trump said he's not preoccupied by his feud with the NFL, adding "All I do is work." Which would've been great if he hadn't said that from a Brookstone massage chair. –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that while discussing Puerto Rico, Trump said the Atlantic is "a very big ocean." Trump always sounds like he forgot about a class presentation and is just up there winging it. "The Atlantic is a very big ocean. A lot of people didn't know how big it was. It's one of the top five big oceans out there. It's very wet." –Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that a lack of sleep can actually make you happier. When they heard that, new moms were like, "You wanna say that to my face??" –Jimmy Fallon #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Well neither did I, and I still won! (I gotta take a knee for this)

The big story is that for the third straight time, Senate Republicans failed to repeal Obamacare, because they didn't have the votes. Trump was like, "Well neither did I, and I still won!" –Jimmy Fallon

Actually, when he heard the GOP healthcare bill failed AGAIN, Trump said, "You won't believe it, but I think I gotta take a knee for this." –Jimmy Fallon #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

The Beatles - Help! (Live At The Ed Sullivan Show 1965)

How 'bout Salma Hayek? (half as deadly as their toys)

"Speaking of politics, Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, 'How 'bout Salma Hayek?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Iraqi government has ordered $100 million worth of weapons made in China. An Iraqi official said, 'We're hoping China makes weapons that are half as deadly as their toys.'" --Conan O'Brien #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Emma Vigeland: Bernie Sanders vs. Lindsey Graham: CNN’s Healthcare Debate

Maybe I won't do anything about global warming (Kickoff!)

"Beautiful day here in New York City. So beautiful today, President Bush said, 'Maybe I won't do anything about global warming.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush's daughter Jenna is now saying she doesn't want to get married at the White House. She wants her wedding to be in Crawford, Texas. When asked why, Jenna said, 'I want my dad to be there.'" --Conan O'Brien #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

David Sirota: Medicare For All Polls: Senate Democrats Lagging Behind Voters

Humanist Report: Joy Reid & Media Friends Bash 'Medicare for All' With GOP Talking Points

You can't get more Republican than that (ignoring black people)

"Hillary Clinton has proposed that $5,000 be given to every baby born in America. Here's a chance for Kevin Federline to make some real money." --Jay Leno

"While out on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney says that Republicans have to start acting like Republicans. I don't know, last week they avoided a debate with black people. You can't get more Republican than that." --Jay Leno #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans