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Sunday, June 28, 2015

Unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true.



Sean Hannity asked yesterday why it is OK for President Obama's teenage daughters to go into stores and buy music chock-full of the N-word but not the Confederate flag. But how can you explain that to a guy who thinks kids still go into a store to buy music?  --Seth Meyers

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers


A job fair for very tall people



The Supreme Court ruled to preserve the Affordable Care Act, more commonly known as Obamacare, so we now can do anything we want. We could drink, smoke, jump mini-bikes off bridges, or play chainsaw tag if we want to. If we get hurt, it's not our problem. It's America's problem, together. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight is the NBA draft. For those unfamiliar with it, the NBA draft is basically a job fair for very tall people. –Jimmy Kimmel


A Banker’s Dozen



Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he’s running for president, which makes him the 13th Republican to enter the race so far. Yeah, 13 Republican candidates — or as that’s also called, “A Banker’s Dozen.” –Jimmy Fallon

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is running for president. This is historic. He's a 44-year-old Indian-American whose real first name is Piyush. After hearing about it, President Obama said, "A young, non-white guy with a crazy name? Good luck with that." –Conan O’Brien



Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey...



A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

While leading reporters on a tour of one of his golf courses, Donald Trump said this week that “the Latinos love Trump and I love them.” And what better place for a white guy to declare his love for Latinos, than on a golf course. –Seth Meyers


the only guy in New Jersey who doesn't know a guy



Yesterday Donald Trump said if he's elected president he would rarely leave the White House to take vacations because there's so much work to do. Donald Trump is the only man who can say he's going to spend four years in a mansion and make it sound like a sacrifice. –Jimmy Fallon
According to a new poll, Chris Christie's approval rating as governor has hit a new low after it just dropped to 30 percent. In fact, his popularity is so low, he's the only guy in New Jersey who doesn't know a guy. –Jimmy Fallon


They should have sent a pit crew.



NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers
With Greece on the brink of defaulting on its bailouts, it's rumored that it may consider asking Vladimir Putin for a loan. Even the Devil said, “Don't do it! Don't mess with that guy.”  --Jimmy Fallon



They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to



South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien
Amazon announced it's discontinuing products with the Confederate flag. They won't sell it. So now Amazon no longer has to use the phrase "You may also like slavery." –Conan O’Brien
Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles. –Conan O’Brien


Which explains why everyone at Fox News...



President Obama this weekend used the N-word when speaking about race relations in America. Which explains why everyone at Fox News today kept shouting, “And I quote …” –Seth Meyers

A Pennsylvania brewery said that it is introducing a new beer to honor the late Penn State football coach, Joe Paterno. And if you give some to a minor, authorities will look the other way. –Seth Meyers


Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler?



Newly leaked emails from Sony Pictures show there was an agreement between executives to keep Spider-Man white and straight. However, in order to please the gay community "The Fantastic Four" will now be "The Fabulous Four." –Conan O’Brien

Fourteen paintings by Adolf Hitler were sold at auction in Germany. After the auction the surprised buyer said, "Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler?" –Conan O’Brien


his new rap album drops on Wednesday..



Now that President Obama has 19 months left, media outlets are speculating about what his legacy will be. Some think it could be healthcare, or the trade deal. “Yeah, what could it be?" said the first black president, Barack Obama. –Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday on Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed, which I thought was sweet. My nine-year-old makes a mean mojito. Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself. –Conan O’Brien
On a podcast the other day, President Obama used the N-word. In a related story, his new rap album drops on Wednesday. –Conan O’Brien


Even worse, when he got home, his girlfriend couched him.



In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump called Jeb Bush a reluctant warrior and said he thinks Jeb is an unhappy person. Which is interesting coming from a guy who always looks like he just ate a lemon. –Jimmy Fallon

Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval was forced to sit out last night, after he was caught “liking” pictures of women on Instagram during a game. The team actually benched him. Even worse, when he got home, his girlfriend couched him. –Jimmy Fallon


Putin should be done with confession by sometime next fall



Vladimir Putin traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Francis yesterday. They say Putin should be done with confession by sometime next fall. —Jimmy Fallon 
According to a new survey, Lord Voldemort from “Harry Potter” actually has a higher favorability rating than most GOP presidential candidates. Or in other words, “He who must not be named” is more popular than “He whose name I forgot” and “What’s her face.” —Jimmy Fallon


Monday, June 22, 2015

That's too bad. I was hoping he would run.



"Yesterday in Iowa just four supporters showed up to eat lunch with Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. It's always a bad sign when your entire voter base can fit in a deli booth." –Conan O'Brien



"Donald Trump said over the weekend that his decision whether to run for president is going to make a lot of people very happy. That's too bad. I was hoping he would run." –Seth Meyers


Putin said that as he was petting a tank



"During a recent speech, Mike Huckabee said he is the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. 'You sure about that?' said President Barack Obama." –Jimmy Fallon





"In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin said that despite any conflicts the West has no need to be afraid of Russia. Although keep in mind that Putin said that as he was petting a tank." –Jimmy Fallon




What else does he have to do?



"We have a new Republican candidate for president who also happens to be an old Republican candidate for president, former Texas Governor Rick Perry. He's at it again, and why not? There are only so many coyotes you can shoot on your ranch. What else does he have to do?" –Jimmy Kimmel



"In an interview yesterday, Lindsey Graham discussed his foreign policy and said if people are worn out by war, quote, 'Don't vote for me.' Graham's supporters appreciate his honesty, while his opponents appreciate the sound bite they can use in their attack ads." –Jimmy Fallon



Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer



"On the Republican side, today former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he is running for president. While growing up he wanted to be a veterinarian, but his grades weren't good enough. Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people." –Jimmy Fallon


"The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April." –Conan O'Brien

"Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer." –Conan O'Brien




Saturday, June 20, 2015

What’s that smell?



The world's oldest person has died. Again. Third time this year. Someone is killing the world's oldest people and we do nothing about it. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, 58 percent of New Jersey residents support legalizing marijuana. I think they just want to finally have a good answer to the question, “What’s that smell?” –Seth Meyers


Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife.



At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, "Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife." –Conan O’Brien

Trump's people deny these allegations. But the casting agency that supposedly sent out the job listing refused to comment. I don't blame Trump. It's embarrassing. It's the political equivalent of paying kids to come to your birthday party. –Jimmy Kimmel


There are 324 days left until next Mother’s Day



Emerson College officials said that starting in 2016 they will offer students the opportunity to major in comedy. Or, you can just take your tuition money and burn it in front of your parents. –Seth Meyers

I want to remind everyone that there are just three days left until Father’s Day. But more importantly, there are 324 days left until next Mother’s Day. –Jimmy Fallon


A claim that was recently disproven by wind



In England, the world's oldest bride and groom tied the knot. She's 91, he's 103. Men are unbelievable. He couldn't find someone his own age? They're the world's oldest newlyweds, but I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds. –Jimmy Kimmel

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio — a claim that was recently disproven by wind. –Seth Meyers


It really helps that you make $65 million a year.



Donald Trump is running for president, and I couldn't be happier about it. He promised he would be "the greatest jobs president that God ever created." I think President Trump would be a very good thing for jobs in this country — specifically for my job here at this show. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night the Golden State Warriors beat the Cleveland Cavaliers to win their first NBA title in 40 years. Andre Iguodala of the Warriors was named the MVP, which is great news for everyone except whoever has to engrave that name on a trophy. –Jimmy Kimmel

It was a devastating loss for Cavs superstar LeBron James. He lost both the NBA Finals and 40 percent of his hairline. It's times like these when it really helps that you make $65 million a year. –Jimmy Kimmel



In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination.




In his presidential announcement speech yesterday, Donald Trump pledged to become "the greatest jobs president that God ever created." This is from the man who coined the catch phrase "You're fired." –Conan O’Brien

Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is "a totally unqualified nuisance." In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination. –Conan O’Brien


Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt.



Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be “the greatest jobs president that God ever created.” Then God said, "Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt."—Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who’d definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump.—Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to the Golden State Warriors, who beat the Cleveland Cavaliers to win the NBA championship. But it was a little awkward. Mark Jackson, who was fired as the Warriors' coach last season, was one of the broadcasters for ABC. That is basically the sports equivalent of the bride’s ex giving a wedding toast.—Jimmy Fallon


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Hey, I'm doing all I can



A new study reveals the average American is 33 pounds heavier than the average person in France. After hearing this, Gerard Depardieu said, "Hey, I'm doing all I can."—Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump said, "The American dream is dead." All right, well, it's not exactly "Hope and change," but it's a slogan.—Jimmy Kimmel

An English couple has become the world's oldest newlyweds at the ages of 91 and 103. The couple registered at Bed, Bath & the Great Beyond.—Seth Meyers



Jeb Bush's birth certificate



Donald Trump is running for president and he's wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush's birth certificate.—Jimmy Fallon


Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of "Celebrity Apprentice" will not air. But don't worry. With Trump running for president, you'll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job.—Conan O’Brien



It’s just “Eye of the Tiger” 14 times



Today Jeb Bush announced he's running for president on Snapchat. By using Snapchat, Bush's message will disappear after 10 seconds just like the excitement over his campaign.—Conan O’Brien


Hillary Clinton has released a 14-song Spotify playlist to go along with her 2016 campaign. The weird part, though, is that it’s just “Eye of the Tiger” 14 times.—Seth Meyers


8 pounds, 2 ounces, and 20 syllables



A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.—Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife, who just welcomed a baby boy. Now the real challenge: finding a name other than Benedict that actually goes with Cumberbatch. --Jimmy Fallon

Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife just welcomed a baby boy. The baby was 8 pounds, 2 ounces, and 20 syllables. --Jimmy Fallon


Monday, June 15, 2015

Bill Cosby did what?



Pizza Hut announced it will be unveiling a pizza whose crust is stuffed with hot dogs. It's the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes.—Conan O’Brien

Three astronauts returned to Earth today from the International Space Station after spending more than 200 days in space. Said one of the astronauts, “Bill Cosby did what?”—Seth Meyers



They say Putin should be done with confession by sometime next fall



Vladimir Putin traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Francis yesterday. They say Putin should be done with confession by sometime next fall. —Jimmy Fallon

According to a new survey, Lord Voldemort from “Harry Potter” actually has a higher favorability rating than most GOP presidential candidates. Or in other words, “He who must not be named” is more popular than “He whose name I forgot” and “What’s her face.” —Jimmy Fallon

The change is expected to affect as many as seven Americans



Last night the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors in overtime to tie the NBA Finals at one game apiece. LeBron James said it was a huge win, and he couldn’t have done it without the ball.—Jimmy Fallon

A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect as many as seven Americans.—Conan O’Brien



What the realtor said was...



Millions of noisy and rare cicadas have emerged from the ground in central Kansas after spending 17 years underground. Said one cicada, "Bush versus Clinton, oh crap, you guys, we haven't slept at all. We came out too early." —Seth Meyers

A Maryland couple is suing their realtor because they say the agent knew the home was infested with snakes, but sold it to them anyway. In fairness, what the realtor said was the place definitely didn't have any mice. —Seth Meyers


Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch



Cameron Crowe has issued an apology for casting Emma Stone as an Asian woman in his new movie. He also announced that his next film about Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch.—Conan O’Brien

Delta Air Lines is experimenting with pre-loading carry-on bags to speed up the boarding process. And if there's any phrase that fills me with terror, it's "Delta Air Lines is experimenting."—Seth Meyers


The first person not to brag about running a marathon



Hillary Clinton is headed to L.A. this month to attend a fundraiser hosted by "Spider-Man" star Tobey Maguire. Hillary is a big fan of Spider-Man because he proves that Americans still love sequels.—Jimmy Fallon




Last weekend, 92-year-old Harriette Thompson became the oldest woman ever to complete a marathon. While the guy who finished after her made history by being the first person not to brag about running a marathon.-- Jimmy Fallon