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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere.





"Todd Akin is getting death threats. They have narrowed it down the list to all women, everywhere." –Bill Maher




"I'm not surprised there are people in America who believe things like this. But usually they don't own shoes and they live in an abandoned school bus and they smell like urine. But this guy Todd Akin, he went to college. He can tie a necktie, he doesn't smell like urine. That's the problem with America, we have a bunch of crazy people who clean up good." –Bill Maher




"As much as the Republican establishment wants to denounce Akin and to make him quit, there's very little difference between what he says and what is in his platform. Their platform says no abortion, no exceptions – not for rape, not for incest, not even for Snooki." –Bill Maher


John Hulse painting

It is the worst super power ever



"Mitt Romney went birther today. He was in Michigan, were he was born, and he said, 'No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate.' Right, because you weren't born. You have a warranty card." –Bill Maher




"Todd Akin is running for Senate in Missouri and he said if it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways of shutting the whole thing down. And then he made it worse by saying the medical term for this is Pussy Riot." –Bill Maher




"But wait. republican Todd Akin says the female body has ways of shutting this down? Not only is it absurd but it is the worst super power ever." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting


He looks forward to getting blown behind a dumpster



"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard. There was one awkward moment when they told the granny smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare." –Jimmy Fallon




"Everyone is making contingency plans. Paul Ryan went to Florida early, Mitt battened down his hair, and Newt Gingrich says he likes hurricanes and said he looks forward to getting blown behind a dumpster." –Bill Maher




"Actually Mitt Romney is worried sick about this hurricane. It could ruin everything. Not because of the convention. Because it's headed straight for the island where he keeps his money." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting


Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common



"Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment." –Jay Leno








"CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, 'This is outta my league, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno




John Hulse painting



More proof that God is a woman..



"Missouri Congressman Todd Akin has some interesting views on health. I think he's in a little hot water. Penn State took down his statue today." –David Letterman 

"Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman." –David Letterman






"Today Todd Akin was named Democratic Party Employee of the Month." –David Letterman




John Hulse painting


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Hurricane Todd Akin



"Finding a co-host for Kelly Ripa has been harder than finding Mitt Romney's tax returns." –David Letterman




"It’s National Senior Citizen’s Day, which is not to be confused with National Senior Citizen’s Week — the Republican Convention in Florida." –Jimmy Fallon




"A hurricane could threaten next week’s Republican National Convention in Tampa. It could really hurt Republicans — which explains its name, 'Hurricane Todd Akin.'" –Jimmy Fallon





John Hulse painting


The guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century



"Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office – and that's just for people to do his taxes." –Jay Leno




"Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century." –David Letterman 




"Mitt looks like a guy who would be the closer at Beverly Hills Mercedes." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected



"The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that's the price you pay for preventing something that doesn't happen." Jon Stewart


"Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are 'legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.' The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected." –Jay Leno


"Akin announced that he is staying in the race. Is that a surprise? A guy who that so little about a woman's body doesn't know when it's time to pull out." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting





See, I do reach out to poor people



"Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno




"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno




John Hulse painting


On the first night, Mitt will be introduced by his money



"Mitt Romney is worth half a billion dollars and he's saying he pays 13 percent annually in taxes. Al Capone paid more than 13 percent in taxes, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman 



"Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities." –David Letterman




"On the first night, Mitt will be introduced by his money." –David Letterman




John Hulse painting


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It happens all the time and there’s nothing gay about it



"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is doing the keynote speech at the Republican Convention. He didn't want to, but they're going to lure him in by having Paul Ryan drive the Wienermobile." –Bill Maher




"New Rule: Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan bromance is somehow gay. You act like you’ve never seen an older millionaire take a bright young lad under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while teaming up to save the country. It happens all the time and there’s nothing gay about it." –Bill Maher




"Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, 'People Magazine.' Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.'" –Stephen Colbert




John Hulse painting



Karl Rove is on all fours in the bathroom stall



"Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can't ask him about his taxes, we can't ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we can't ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cypher have so many secrets? It’s like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest." –Bill Maher




"There are these groups now called 'Dark Money groups.' Karl Rove heads one; the evil Koch brothers head another. They have spent more money on TV ads than all the Super PACs combined. They are called dark money groups because they don't have to reveal where the money is coming from -- no identity. It's the fundraising version of a glory hole. Karl Rove is on all fours in the bathroom stall and whatever comes through that hole, he sucks." –Bill Maher




John Hulse painting


Usually it's the other way around



"This ticket is supposed to be so anti-government and pro-business. Paul Ryan has been in government his whole life, practically from kindergarten. You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's the other way around." –Bill Maher




"It's only been six days that they've been together as a ticket, and already Paul Ryan is flip-flopping on everything. All week long, Romney has been attacking Obama on his $700 billion in Medicare cuts. Apparently Ryan in his plan had the exact same thought, until yesterday when Romney announced that Ryan had changed his position. They say this happens to everybody who gets too close to Mitt Romney. Suddenly your most firmly held beliefs just vanish. In fact the only way to avoid it is by only looking at a reflection of Romney in the mirror." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

He's kind of an English-speaking version of Sarah Palin



"Are you excited about Paul Ryan? He's a far, far-right ideologue. The Republican base loves him. He's kind of an English-speaking version of Sarah Palin." –Bill Maher




"Paul Ryan wants to dismantle Medicare as we know it, cut way back on unemployment benefits, raise taxes on the middle class, give much bigger tax breaks for the rich people. Or as your idiot brother in law puts it, 'Finally someone who cares about me.'" –Bill Maher




John Hulse painting


Monday, August 20, 2012

Kenya' shut up?




"Paul Ryan likes to catch a catfish bare-handed. He'll wade into a river and pull it out with his bare hands. Meanwhile, Chris Christie likes to reach into the tank at Red Lobster." –David Letterman




"You all remember Donald Trump. He was the guy who thought President Obama was born in Kenya. Hey, I got a message for Donald Trump: 'Kenya' shut up?" –David Letterman




John Hulse painting


In fact, it's even a crappy tip



"In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, 'Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?'" –Jimmy Fallon




"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno




"Paul Ryan looks like a guy who owns his own chain of nursing homes." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting


One of the Muppets is living in a garbage can



"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno 

"Mitt Romney said he wants to cut funding for things like Amtrak and PBS, both of which are subsidized by the government. I don't like the idea of cutting funds for PBS. Things are bad enough already. One of the Muppets is living in a garbage can." –Jimmy Kimmel




"A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has." –Jimmy Kimmel


John Hulse painting


This would never have happened under Bill Clinton



"Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally." –Jay Leno 

"Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all." –Jay Leno




"Endorsed by Jenna Jameson; how is that possible? The Democrats are losing the porn star vote? Let me tell you, that would never have happened under Bill Clinton." –Jay Leno





John Hulse painting


Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree?



"Speaking of Paul Ryan, a new poll actually found that 42 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate." –Jimmy Fallon




"Tell me one area where Paul Ryan and Sarah Palin would disagree? I cannot find one area. So somehow he's the smartest guy in the party and she's the stupidest woman on earth, but they agree on everything." –Bill Maher


"Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative, and that's a perfect balance for Romney who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting


A vice president who hunts is always a good choice



"Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice." –David Letterman




"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is going to be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, and wherever Chris Christie goes you know what that means. That's right, unlimited bread sticks." –David Letterman 




"I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie?" –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

He had it hidden next to his tax returns



"Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns." –Jay Leno 




"Paul Ryan is full of excitement, he's drawing big crowds. The only thing holding Paul Ryan back now according to political experts is Mitt Romney." –David Letterman 




"Have you seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father and son dentists." –David Letterman




John Hulse painting


It's like looking into a Smurf's anus



"Romney and Ryan kind of look like a father and son in an ad for Super Cuts." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school — kind of like Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno 

"His eyes are just so blue. It's like looking into a Smurf's anus." –Jon Stewart on Paul Ryan


John Hulse painting



Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile



"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."  –David Letterman 




"After Romney's horse finished 18th it refused to release its tax records." –David Letterman


"On Sunday, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three percent of Americans have never heard of Ryan and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy." –Jimmy Kimmel




John Hulse painting




It was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya



"Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien 

"Mitt Romney is hoping to energize Republicans by announcing Paul Ryan as his running mate. Seriously? That's like trying to spice up a bowl of oatmeal with more oatmeal." –Jimmy Fallon




"During the announcement, Mitt Romney said that he and Paul Ryan are 'America's Comeback Team.' You know, as in 'come back in four years and try again.'" –Jimmy Fallon 



John Hulse painting

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer



"A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer." –Conan O'Brien 




"An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'" –Conan O'Brien




"This crisis has pitted brother against lower cholesterol brother. It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries." –Stephen Colbert on the Chick-Fil-A controversy



John Hulse painting

If there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold



"Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.” –Conan O'Brien




"The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold." –Conan O'Brien




"Romney's Olympic horse is named Rafalco. She said I needed a silly name that no one's ever heard of before and Mitt was taken." –Conan O'Brien




John Hulse painting

Thursday, August 2, 2012

One has disgusted millions with his revolting antics



"A couple of big birthdays today — comedian Tom Green and former government of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now Tom Green and Arnold Schwarzenegger are very different. One has disgusted millions with his revolting antics and the other one's Tom Green." –Craig Ferguson




"Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?" –Conan O'Brien




"The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets." –Conan O'Brien




John Hulse painting

1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die



"All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'" –Stephen Colbert




"Like Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event




"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours



"Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London." –Jimmy Fallon


"Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours." –Craig Ferguson 

"The word "sailing" sounds cool. It sounds better than "yachting," which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake." –Craig Ferguson




John Hulse painting

Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, "a Monday"



"The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him." –Jimmy Fallon




"Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'" –Jimmy Fallon




John Hulse painting

Until then he said he'll just think about pancakes



"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he'll just think about pancakes." –Jimmy Fallon




"Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he's made while he's in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah." –Jimmy Fallon





John Hulse painting