If you press his paw, Trumpy Bear even writes a check to Barbie, and then calls her “Horseface.” (There goes our Christmas plans)

Over the weekend, Donald Trump joined dozens of other world leaders in France to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I. Just to be safe, Trump brought a note from his doctor saying he absolutely couldn’t fight. --James Corden

There’s a new Christmas toy being advertised on Fox News. It’s Trumpy Bear! It’s pretty realistic. If you press his paw, Trumpy Bear even writes a check to Barbie, and then calls her “Horseface.” --James Corden

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes our Christmas plans. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK Larry, drop your pants (there is still no legal way to enjoy a Cleveland Browns game)

This is how popular March Madness is: Doctors have found a sudden rise in vasectomies coincides with the start of the NCAA tournament. Apparently, guys are scheduling their vasectomies for the beginning of the tournament so that they can have four days of rest and not miss any of the games. There's an easier way to get four days off to watch basketball. You can just say you got a vasectomy, you don't actually have to do it! Your boss isn't going to ask you, “OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days." –James Corden

In Ohio, people voted on a referendum which would have had to legalize marijuana in that state, but it did not pass. That's right, it remains illegal to get high in Ohio, which means there is still no legal way to enjoy a Cleveland Browns game. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world (the pilates studio where Hitler was born)

Authorities in North Carolina were recently on high alert after being told of a suspicious package that had been mailed to an office building. But after evacuating the whole building, police realized that the package was just an audio cassette by the band Journey. I’m sorry, it’s 2018. I do think a Journey cassette is pretty suspicious. Police haven’t confirmed who sent the package, but they are on the lookout for a small town girl living in a lonely world. --James Corden

The Austrian government said they won’t leave the lot vacant, which means “the house where Hitler was born” might soon be “the pilates studio where Hitler was born.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, it's going to make us like them? (Dear Jesus)

We're going to start by talking about everybody's favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump's private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial. –James Corden

Julian Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people's views of these candidates. Americans replied, “Wait, it's going to make us like them?” –James Corden

Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Trump going to do now — come out against ice cream? Now, personally I would like to thank Ben & Jerry's for giving me a reason to tell my wife why I am eating an entire pint of ice cream every night. "No. It is for the future. We have to leave our children a better world. That's all this is." --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races (That wasn't me)

At the Tour de France today the police were trying to control protestors at the race by spraying tear gas, but they held up the race because they accidentally sprayed the cyclists. See? Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races. --James Corden

Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, “That wasn't me.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Burning your own shoes as a response to something (agenda thwarted)

Colin Kaepernick, the quarterback who started the NFL kneeling protests, has been named the face of Nike's "Just Do It" campaign. I've already seen it. Here's the thing — some people are so angry about this they're actually burning their Nike shoes. Yeah. Burning your own shoes as a response to something. If only there was a word for that kind of action — oh yeah, "Protesting." --James Corden

Everybody is talking about this big bombshell in The New York Times. They published an article written by an anonymous senior White House official that claims members of the administration are concerned about Donald Trump's mental stability. So from within the White House they are actively working to thwart the president's agenda. As you can imagine, Trump is furious about this today, mostly because he thought getting his agenda thwarted meant something totally different. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

how dermatologists describe my skin tone (lemonade stands)

A five-year-old girl who ran a lemonade stand in London was fined $195 for not having the proper trading permit. See, this is why I make my kids open all their lemonade stands offshore on the Cayman Islands. –James Corden

An ice cream shop in Scotland has introduced a new flavor made with a very familiar ingredient. It's called Mayonnaise ice cream. Coincidentally, "Mayonnaise ice cream" is also how dermatologists describe my skin tone. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm guessing it was from exhaustion (So, it works)

Amazon has introduced a new facial recognition technology, and it seems like there might be a few bugs because when they recently tested the software on the faces of members of Congress, the program identified 28 of them as convicted criminals. So, it works. --James Corden

A man in New Jersey passed away on Tuesday and it became clear that he was cheating on his wife when two obituaries, one by his spouse and the other by his girlfriend, appeared in the local paper, one above the other. I don't know what he died from, but I'm guessing it was from exhaustion. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

an extra two million pounds of soybeans (420-mile markers)

The Idaho Department of Transportation has gotten rid of its 420-mile marker because stoners kept stealing it. The government is replacing the 420 signs with signs that read "Mile 419.9." They're going to be so upset when they realize that "419.9" is street slang for crystal meth. –James Corden

“China is no longer buying from American farmers, so be sure to do your part to help out. At the farmer’s market this weekend, pick up a couple of extra tomatoes and maybe an extra two million pounds of soybeans.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the meal AND the toy (he must taste delicious)

A 20-year-old man from Colorado recently survived a shark bite in Hawaii. Less than a year before that, he was attacked by a 300-pound black bear. And a few years before that, he was bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. Based on these incidents, we do know a lot about this man. For example, he must taste delicious.  --James Corden

A North Carolina meat supplier has recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef after customers complained that it contained pieces of hard, blue plastic. So now if you get a McDonald's happy meal, your burger is both the meal AND the toy. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s just nice to see them get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment (the happiest possible ending)

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles. –James Corden

This week SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk personally handed out his latest and greatest new product to the first 1,000 customers who bought them online. And that product is… a flamethrower! This is something we were all crying out for. I mean, this is one way to get your neighbor to stop using a leaf blower at 7 a.m. To get around existing laws, Elon Musk is calling the product Not a Flamethrower. Which is a great idea. I'm excited to use one of these "not a flamethrowers" to "not rob a liquor store." --James Corden

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night (nah, not feeling it)

The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. --James Corden

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s getting more presidential every day (Normal Florida wedding proceeds without incident)

President Trump is filing a lawsuit against Capital One Bank. Apparently, Trump really doesn’t want us to know what’s in his wallet. --James Corden

Earlier in his campaign, Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day. –James Corden

A Fox News headline read “Bikini-clad bride weds groom in overalls, caps off Florida wedding with roll in the mud.” The honest headline should have read “Normal Florida wedding proceeds without incident.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” (Slappuccino)

A headline from the Huffington Post read “Distracted driver turns out to have 250-pound pig on lap.” The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” --James Corden

A coffee company has recalled 65,000 cans of coffee beans over concerns that opening them could cause the lids to fly off and hit people in the face. Although, it saves you a step. Usually you have to drink the coffee to wake up in the morning, but this will take care of that. The coffee company is really trying to put a positive spin on the story. They're marketing this as their brand-new drink, the “Slappuccino.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Super Bowl Champions Eventually. Someday. Maybe. Who Knows? (we all know it was totally Nicolas Cage)

This morning, President Trump told reporters that the planned meeting with Kim Jong Un "may not work out," adding, "If it doesn't happen, maybe it will happen later." They made a commemorative coin for something that may not happen. That's like the Cleveland Browns making rings that say, "Super Bowl Champions Eventually. Someday. Maybe. Who Knows?" --James Corden

A postcard believed to have been sent by infamous serial killer Jack the Ripper has just sold at auction for $30,000. Well, $30,000 plus an extra $0.45 for postage. Paying $30,000 for a serial killer's note! This is by far the most expensive way to have your friends ask you, "Hey man, are you okay?" The buyer of the postcard was not identified, but I think we all know it was totally Nicolas Cage. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. (cry closets)

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine's just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits. He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which I believe is also the main ingredient in hot dogs (No one is going to stop you, there are no doors)

Housing prices are so high in the San Francisco Bay Area right now that a small one-story burned-out home is selling for — brace yourself — $800,000. It comes with two-and-a-half baths and two-and-a-half walls. The house is loaded with fun features like a fire pit out back, a fire pit in the kitchen, a fire pit in the living room, and all the bedrooms got fire pits. Why not save $800,000 and just move in now? No one is going to stop you, there are no doors. --James Corden

There was a big breakthrough in the world of science. Researchers recently created the world’s first human heart using a 3D printer. The heart is made from human cells and “patient-specific biological materials” which I believe is also the main ingredient in hot dogs. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas (Wait, we can do that?)

Big news from my home country, Great Britain: The prime minister, Theresa May, surprised everyone by calling for an early election on June 8, even though it wasn’t supposed to happen until 2020. She’s fed up with all the political fighting, so she’s asking for another election right away. To which Americans replied, “Wait, we can do that?” –James Corden

The NCAA tournament continues, and according to a new study, the tournament leads to a 30% increase in vasectomies. Apparently men schedule the procedure so that they can recover while watching basketball. It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”