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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

He spent four hours seeing how many Reese's Pieces he could hold between his toes



"Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish." --Conan O'Brien 

 
"President Bush is back in Texas, unemployed like much of the rest of America. Bush reportedly spent the day cataloging his papers, outlining his memoirs, and sketching out plans for his presidential library. Just kidding. He spent four hours seeing how many Reese's Pieces he could hold between his toes. 38, it turns out." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Tomorrow, America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, 'former President George Bush,' President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you." --Jay Leno 




'You totally embarrassed us' signs



"Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so there will be no monologue." --Jay Leno


"Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, 'You made us so proud.' Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs." --Conan O'Brien 




"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien 




The Bet



The Bet
George Dubya and Dick Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. Cheney bets Dubya $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Dubya replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Dubya and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," Dubya replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."
Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," said Dubya, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Eyes Wide Shut



Eyes Wide Shut
George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?" 
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box. George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

FBI Spying on Pete Seeger




Pete Seeger, Folk Legend & FBI Target: Declassified Docs Show Iconic Singer Was Spied on for Decades

Friday, December 18, 2015

the first time the FBI has used someone’s face as evidence



Martin Shkreli, the pharmaceutical CEO who once tried to raise the price of an HIV medication by 5,000 percent, has been arrested on securities fraud charges. It’s also the first time the FBI has used someone’s face as evidence. –Seth Meyers
Warren Buffett yesterday joined Hillary Clinton at a rally and tried to drum up support for a tax increase on people making over $1 million a year. Chris Christie also showed up and reportedly said “ohhhh, Buffett…" –Seth Meyers
Congress this weekend ended the federal government’s ban on medical marijuana. Good news for people with glaucoma as well as people with “glaucoma.” –Seth Meyers


Happy Birthday to Pope Francis



Tonight was the opening of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” And in an interview at this week’s premiere, one of its stars, Oscar Isaac said he would leave Earth forever if he could take a family member. Or as most people call that, “Defeating the purpose of leaving Earth.” –Jimmy Fallon
Happy Birthday to Pope Francis, who turned 79 years old today. People asked if he wished for world peace when he blew out his candles, and the Pope said, “Nope - a hoverboard!” Very hard to get. –Jimmy Fallon


Thursday, December 17, 2015

Which explains Wolf Blitzer's outfit


Ted Cruz has been moving up in the polls but still is only the fourth most popular cruise behind Tom, Penelope, and Carnival. –Jimmy Kimmel
Dr. Ben Carson began with a moment of silence, then continued the debate with many, many more moments of silence. Although he may have been taking a power nap. –Jimmy Kimmel
According to a new poll, Newark Liberty is the country’s least favorite airport. But only because LaGuardia is technically classified as a prison. –Seth Meyers
Last night was yet another Republican debate. CNN's GOP-alooza went down in Las Vegas at the most American possible venue, the Venetian hotel and casino. The debate took place on the stage where "Phantom of the Opera" played for over six years. Which explains Wolf Blitzer's outfit. –Stephen Colbert


save it for my inauguration



At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute "Sieg Heil!" Trump immediately responded, "There is no place for that here — save it for my inauguration." –Conan O’Brien
In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. The 98-year-old was shocked, mostly because he had no idea he was playing golf. –Conan O’Brien
Ted Cruz said he would carpet bomb ISIS until the sand glowed. When it was pointed out ISIS was centered in a city with a major population, he said carpet bombs should only target ISIS, which means Ted Cruz has invented a carpet bomb that only kills the bad guys, which is remarkable. I don't know why we didn't think of that before. –Jimmy Kimmel


Oh COME ON, what do I gotta do?



A new poll came out and it found that, of all the Republican candidates, people think Donald Trump would make the best Santa Claus. In response, Chris Christie said, "Oh COME ON, what do I gotta do?" –Conan O’Brien
Last night, the GOP debate took place in Las Vegas. CNN said the Republicans chose that location because "nothing says fiscal responsibility and wise choices like Las Vegas." –Conan O’Brien
Target has stopped selling hoverboards after reports that they catch fire. Meanwhile at Costco, they’re selling them as the "George Foreman Grill on Wheels." –Conan O’Brien


Great — now I look fat.



Last night was the fifth Republican debate, and at one point Donald Trump was interrupted by a heckler yelling at him from offstage. Then the moderators said, "You'll have more than enough time to speak at your next debate, Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon
With Christmas around the corner it seems like everyone is going to parties. I heard that this week Beyoncé went to a Christmas party here in New York dressed as a Christmas tree. Or as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree put it, “Great — now I look fat.” –Jimmy Fallon
Scientists are saying that an asteroid over a mile wide is going to pass by Earth on Christmas Eve, but they say it PROBABLY won't hit the Earth. Then the scientists were like, “Anyway, happy holidays, everyone!” –Jimmy Fallon


Wednesday, December 16, 2015

and of course, the baked beans



Chris Christie got moved up from what they call the kids' table to the main debate. Apparently he ate everything on the kids' table so they had to move him. –Jimmy Kimmel
After protesters interrupted a Donald Trump rally last night, some attendees were heard yelling the Nazi salute "Sieg heil." Which is alarming, but it doesn't mean that Donald Trump is the same as Hitler. It just means that if you looked up Hitler on Amazon, Trump might show up in the "You may also like" section. –Seth Meyers
Jeb is America's fourth favorite Bush — after George, the other George, and of course, the baked beans. –Stephen Colbert
Jeb Bush has sent an email to his supporters promising that as an early Christmas present, if you give him $25, you won't receive any more email requests for cash the rest of the year. It's a political strategy borrowed from the mob. –Stephen Colbert


She-Bacca



The fifth Republican debate took place tonight in Las Vegas. The Vegas debate included nine candidates, and, due to a little mix-up, Celine Dion and a white tiger. –Conan O’Brien
Kim and Kanye’s 2-year-old daughter North has released her first tweet. It was just three letters, "SOS." –Conan O’Brien
Critics are saying the new "Star Wars" film has strongly-written female characters. The most surprising of these is the new breakout character, "She-Bacca." –Conan O’Brien 
Last night at a casino in Las Vegas, Donald Trump declared, "I expect to win Iowa." Which is odd because, usually when Trump is around a casino, the only thing he declares is bankruptcy. –Conan O’Brien


All right, leak the sex tape.



A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now increasing her lead over Bernie Sanders. Experts say Bernie would need something major to regain people's attention. Then Bernie was like, "All right, leak the sex tape." –Jimmy Fallon
Ahead of tonight's Republican debate over on CNN, Donald Trump's doctor released his medical records. He said that Trump has never used alcohol or tobacco in his life. Which explains how Trump got so good at ruining a party. –Jimmy Fallon
A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump. –Conan O’Brien


yes, yes and yes...



They're saying that this could be one of the warmest Christmases in 30 years. Last Christmas, people left out milk and cookies for Santa. This Christmas, people leave out a cool rag and a stick of Mitchum deodorant. –Jimmy Fallon
Last Christmas, Santa made a list of who's naughty or nice. This Christmas, Santa made a list of who has central air and who doesn't. –Jimmy Fallon
Last Christmas, you went to an ugly sweater party. This Christmas, you're going to an ugly, sweaty party. –Jimmy Fallon


Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Reviews 12/15/15



Some reviews of my work:

His poetry will go on being read and studied for years to come. From his pillowcases with magical powers, the consequences of a man coming home five minutes too late, or a Marine platoon in Vietnam making a left turn instead of turning right. The poems build upon one another with lines of creation, then of destruction. Then start all over again with the next poem and the next line. It will wear you down. An overwhelming presence here. And while you are reading, starvation seems inevitable. Survival unsure.
An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
Kristina Betts, Lapel Review

It made me blow the dust off my copy of Orwell’s 1984. An amazing compilation.
Susan Hampton, Edgewood Journal

I fully agree with Bukowski Lover's concise review. John Hulse does, indeed evoke the wordplay of the Late CB, but he brings an honesty and openness way to beautiful and fragile, so that you'll weep every time that pure sweetness meets the mean streets of this Reality we all share. He'll make you yearn for its Deliverance, and then, suddenly, you'll know what you must do to save it. ... and you're not alone... even if you feel like it. Hulse evokes here a sort of Matthew 5: 1-12 Beatitudes for our times, through deep-diving, immersive views into the world of Empathy and Mercy, and Compassion that are spell-binding in their simplicity.

This book should be included in the "Welcome to Humanity" Packets for all newcomers. John Hulse is a true Master of the Word, and most tender of Champions for the Human Condition.

Mr. Hulse displays a mastery of the foibles of humanity—specifically men. He’s got a sharp wit, a fresh an interesting take on relationships, and isn’t afraid to push the envelope with his content. His bio discusses his world travels and myriad life experiences, and this reader can’t help but notice how his past very obviously affects his work. It appears to be an organic evolution, because growth in technique, word selection, and image creation is evident throughout. A thoroughly entertaining jaunt through the mind of a man who is without doubt as interesting as his work.

Whenever I’ve had the opportunity to read Mr. Hulse’s work, I am
always struck by the mix of brutal honesty and humorous social
commentary. He hasn’t failed to impress with this latest release. His jabs at the evil of corporate America, his insights into the dichotomous nature of public America, and his humble and hilarious comments on his personal life never disappoint. His raison d’être is poetry, and this dedication is obvious. With the loss of so many great poets in the last 10 or 15 years, I am glad another voice is there to contribute to the art.


As if the people in that building don't cry enough already



They're predicting the Star Wars film could gross more than $2 billion. The United States just promised $800 million as part of the Paris agreement to fight climate change, which means we're spending more than twice as much to see "Star Wars" as we are to save the actual world. –Jimmy Kimmel
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said today that Donald Trump is fanning the flames of hate. Which is what Donald Trump calls blow-drying his hair. –Seth Meyers
Adele will perform at Madison Square Garden six times in 2016 as part of her new world tour. As if the people in that building don't cry enough already. –Seth Meyers


congratulations. You're hideous



A new study has found that being good-looking can hurt a man's career because the people in charge of hiring see attractive men as a threat. So if you're a man who was recently hired for a new job, congratulations. You're hideous. –James Corden
Unless you've been living under a rock you know "Star Wars" comes out everywhere on Friday, although they've been running a big ad campaign under rocks so even those people who live under them know about it. –Jimmy Kimmel



they're too busy being embarrassed



Here in Los Angeles, a couple is planning to get married while waiting in line for the new “Star Wars” movie. The couple's family is unable to attend because they're too busy being embarrassed. –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump's doctor wrote a letter saying that if elected, “Mr. Trump will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency." Then, when asked about Trump’s mental health, the doctor got very quiet. –Conan O’Brien
A golf course owned by Donald Trump is no longer being considered to host a major golf tournament due to remarks that Trump has made about Mexicans and Muslims. You know there’s a problem when your views on race are too extreme for a private golf club. –Conan O’Brien


No, I just kinda watch plants grow.




Some good news for the White House. They just announced that Obamacare added a million new customers in its third open-enrollment season. They say more people are signing up for healthcare due to the looming deadline, low costs, and the sales of hoverboards. –Jimmy Fallon
White House press secretary Josh Earnest said that Trump's statement about banning Muslim immigrants “disqualifies” him from being president. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like, “You can get disqualified? What do I need to do?!" –Jimmy Fallon
Tomorrow is the fifth Republican presidential debate. And if you've been keeping score, so far the winner of most of the Republican debates has been ... Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon
The big movie right now the new “Star Wars” movie. In fact, even the astronauts on the International Space Station are going to watch new “Star Wars” movie from space. NASA said it's the best way to remind the astronauts that what they're doing in space really isn't that cool. “Do you fire a laser gun?” “No ... I just kinda watch plants grow.” –Jimmy Fallon




Saturday, December 12, 2015

Jeb Bush remains in the SAME position – fetal.



The New York Times and CBS released a poll this morning that shows Donald Trump in his strongest position of primary season. While Jeb Bush remains in the SAME position – fetal. –Seth Meyers
Kim Jong Un will be sending his personal all-girl band to China next week in an effort to improve the relationship between the two countries. They’ll be playing all their hits, like “Never Let Me Go,” “Can I Stay Here Awhile,” and their newest single, “Seriously Though, I’m Begging You Please Don’t Make Me Go Back There.” –Seth Meyers
The University of Vermont has announced that they will now offer a course on the science of marijuana. The earliest it’s offered is 2 p.m. –Seth Meyers


To me, that's funny



In an interview, Larry King said when he dies he wants to be cryogenically frozen. Larry said, "I was frozen once during the Ice Age — I loved it. It was the best nap I ever had." –Conan O’Brien
Matt Damon was nominated for best actor for "The Martian," also nominated for best musical or comedy. Some people are complaining that "The Martian" isn't a musical or a comedy. I disagree. It's definitely not a musical, but the idea of Matt Damon being left for dead on another planet, to me, that's funny. –Jimmy Kimmel
The first-ever puppies to be conceived in a test tube have been born. It makes me happy personally because when I was a kid, our family dog and her husband tried unsuccessfully for years to get pregnant. And eventually they adopted a hamster. –Jimmy Kimmel


because we all know how much dogs hate doin' it



Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done." –Conan O’Brien
Researchers at Cornell have successfully bred the first puppies in a test tube. Which is great, because we all know how much dogs hate doin' it. –Conan O’Brien
During a photo shoot for Time Magazine, a bald eagle tried to attack Donald Trump. The only thing that saved Trump’s life was the angry hawk living in his hair. –Conan O’Brien


if there were ever a human version of bagpipes..



I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ’cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it's Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton told People Magazine that her granddaughter called her “grandma” for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter's eyes and said, "This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments." -- Jimmy Fallon
The Navy is facing a lot of criticism today for naming their newest combat ship after Andrew Jackson. So to completely avoid controversy, they’re going to rename the ship after Michael Jackson. –Conan O’Brien


Thursday, December 10, 2015

well, let's just say it's been a while.



Time Magazine has officially declared their person of the year for 2015 and that person is German Chancellor Angela Merkel. This is big news, because Time Magazine hasn't picked a German leader since — well, let's just say it's been a while. –James Corden
This morning Donald Trump tweeted, "I told you Time Magazine would never pick me as person of the year despite being the big favorite. They picked the person who is ruining Germany." First of all, I don't think you want to go on record saying "I liked the old Germany better!" –James Corden
During an interview with Barbara Walters, Trump claimed he's "the worst thing to ever happen to ISIS." Personally I feel he could have ended that sentence before the words "to ISIS." –James Corden


it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions



Donald Trump told People Magazine that he’s good at sports. Which could be true, because it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions. –Conan O’Brien
Time Magazine picked their Person of the Year and they chose German Chancellor Angela Merkel over Donald Trump. Trump tweeted that they picked "the person who was ruining Germany." Then Trump said, "Germany hasn’t had a great leader since the 1940s." –Conan O’Brien
Marco Rubio said in a new interview that his favorite show is "The Walking Dead." When asked why, Rubio said, "I’m a senator from Florida — those are my constituents." –Conan O’Brien
United Airlines announced they are bringing back free snacks for the first time since 2008. Unfortunately, the snacks are also from 2008. –Conan O’Brien


the time to panic was, like, five months ago..



Donald Trump skipped an RNC event here in New York City today called the Presidential Trust Dinner, even though his campaign said he would go. Then Chris Christie said, “So, does that mean there's an extra plate at the dinner?” –Jimmy Fallon
Jeb Bush has fallen to just 3 percent in a new poll, and his numbers continue to drop. Jeb says this isn't the time to panic — because the time to panic was, like, five months ago. –Jimmy Fallon
Last night was the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Portugal. Or as Donald Trump put it, “I've changed my mind on immigrants.” –Jimmy Fallon
Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer has a severance package that would pay her $160 million if she gets fired. Which will mark the first time somebody actually TRIES to get drunk at their office holiday party. –Jimmy Fallon


Do you know which direction Mecca is?



Everyone is talking about Donald Trump and the press release that he put out “calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on." How is that going to work? I'm not sure how the TSA would be able to test for your religion. Though I will say their pat-downs are thorough enough to determine if you're Jewish. –Stephen Colbert
Perhaps we can just casually ask people trying to enter the country, "Hey, I'm trying to calibrate my compass. Do you know which direction Mecca is?" –Stephen Colbert


Thank you for the latest reviews. Really appreciate it.



Thank you for the latest reviews. Really appreciate it.


reviews of my work:

I fully agree with Bukowski Lover's concise review. John Hulse does, indeed evoke the wordplay of the Late CB, but he brings an honesty and openness way to beautiful and fragile, so that you'll weep every time that pure sweetness meets the mean streets of this Reality we all share. He'll make you yearn for its Deliverance, and then, suddenly, you'll know what you must do to save it. ... and you're not alone... even if you feel like it. Hulse evokes here a sort of Matthew 5: 1-12 Beatitudes for our times, through deep-diving, immersive views into the world of Empathy and Mercy, and Compassion that are spell-binding in their simplicity.

This book should be included in the "Welcome to Humanity" Packets for all newcomers.

John Hulse is a true Master of the Word, and most tender of Champions for the Human Condition.

It made me blow the dust off my copy of Orwell’s 1984. An amazing compilation.
Susan Hampton, Edgewood Journal

His poetry will go on being read and studied, for years to come. From his pillowcases with magical powers, the consequences of a man coming home five minutes too late, or a Marine platoon in Vietnam making a left turn instead of turning right. The poems build upon one another with lines of creation, then of destruction. Then start all over again with the next poem and the next line. It will wear you down. An overwhelming presence here. And while you are reading, starvation seems inevitable. Survival unsure.

An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
Kristina Betts, Lapel Review


Mr. Hulse displays a mastery of the foibles of humanity—specifically men. He’s got a sharp wit, a fresh an interesting take on relationships, and isn’t afraid to push the envelope with his content. His bio discusses his world travels and myriad life experiences, and this reader can’t help but notice how his past very obviously affects his work. It appears to be an organic evolution, because growth in technique, word selection, and image creation is evident throughout. A thoroughly entertaining jaunt through the mind of a man who is without doubt as interesting as his work.


Whenever I’ve had the opportunity to read Mr. Hulse’s work, I am
always struck by the mix of brutal honesty and humorous social
commentary. He hasn’t failed to impress with this latest release. His jabs at the evil of corporate America, his insights into the dichotomous nature of public America, and his humble and hilarious comments on his personal life never disappoint. His raison d’être is poetry, and this dedication is obvious. With the loss of so many great poets in the last 10 or 15 years, I am glad another voice is there to contribute to the art.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

OK, thanks for coming over.



President Obama reportedly met Hillary Clinton yesterday for a secret lunch at the White House. And then when lunch ended, Hillary said, “OK, thanks for coming over.” –Seth Meyers
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show aired tonight on CBS. Normally, you’d have to watch the Food Network to see that many oily ribs. –Seth Meyers
Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said yesterday that he will become a “part-time vegetarian” to cut down his carbon footprint. If you’re wondering what a part-time vegetarian is, it’s someone who eats meat. –Seth Meyers