Thursday, December 19, 2013

Whiter than Santa Claus on Megyn Kelly's front lawn

"Scientists are testing out a new drone that would replace lifeguards. Here's how it works: If you're drowning, the drone would fly out and drop a bomb on you." –Conan O'Brien

"More snow storms all across the country. Man, New England is whiter than Santa Claus on Megyn Kelly's front lawn." –Jay Leno

"George Zimmerman is auctioning an original painting for $100,000. $100,000? Man, this guy is getting away with murder." –Stephen Colbert

Megyn Kelly was just kidding

"Alabama kicker Cade Foster had a tough time in the Iron Bowl, missing three field goals against Auburn. A lot of people blamed him for losing the game. Former President George W. Bush actually sent him a note to offer his support. The guy had such bad aim, you'd think he get a note from Dick Cheney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News host Megyn Kelly now says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she's standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas, definitely Jewish." –Conan O'Brien

"An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop's camera. This new high-tech device is called a small piece of tape." –Conan O'Brien

How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my profile?

"Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves." –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech, Russian president Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. for being 'genderless and infertile.' My question is: How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my profile?"  –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. Also congratulations to 'Big Bang Theory's' Jim Parsons. He was named Parsons of the Year. Also congratulations to Iranian President Hasan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year. And for the third year in a row, congratulations to cyanide, named Poison of the Year." –David Letterman

Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians

"According to CNN, 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians." –Jay Leno

"In defending the budget deal, Congressman Paul Ryan quoted the Rolling Stones and said, 'You can't always get what you want.' When it comes to Congress, here's a better Stones quote: 'Can't get no satisfaction.' How about that?" –Jay Leno

"Political correctness is in full swing this holiday season. Kids can't even call Santa's helpers 'elves' anymore. They have to be known as 'undocumented little people.'" –Jay Leno

I thought there might have been some kind of security problem

"This week President Obama attended Nelson Mandela's memorial service in South Africa. Hundreds of world leaders were there. President Obama said it felt strange to listen to these leaders in person rather than eavesdropping on their phone calls." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday everybody reported on the fake sign language interpreter at the Nelson Mandela memorial. Turns out that he was not a fake but a violent schizophrenic who was hallucinating that angels were flying into the stadium. So at least there's a simple explanation for what went wrong. For a minute I thought there might have been some kind of security problem." –Jay Leno

"So let me get this straight. The NSA is listening to our phone calls, but no one is checking up on the violent schizophrenic who is 18 inches from the president of the United States." –Jay Leno

Friday, December 13, 2013

It was exactly the opposite of how we do it in this country

"President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Foreign communist shakes hands with the leader of Cuba.'" Conan O'Brien

"The world said goodbye today to Nelson Mandela. And what a life he lived. He spent 27 years in prison and then ascended to become president of his country. He went from prison to politics. It was exactly the opposite of how we do it in this country." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was named Time magazine's person of the year, and today he performed his first miracle – he got people to buy Time magazine." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Unemployment benefits in North Korea

"New Jersey legislators want to ban eating while driving. Good luck getting Governor Chris Christie to sign that one." –Jay Leno 

"North Korea has confirmed that Kim Jong Un has fired his uncle. Unemployment benefits in North Korea include two weeks' severance and not being shot." –Conan O'Brien

"Last week a man was locked in an airplane for several hours after he fell asleep during a flight and nobody woke up him up when it landed. But other than that, Joe Biden had a great trip to Asia." –Jimmy Fallon

We had to, they were completely out of crack

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving. According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members. In his defense, Ford said, 'We had to, they were completely out of crack.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships of the person using it. I'll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them? Turns out they were right." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Friday, December 6, 2013

I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack

"This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice." –Conan O'Brien

"Today gang members were caught on wiretaps saying they have photos of Mayor Rob Ford doing heroin, which is weird because I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There is information that Mayor Ford tried to buy the infamous video of him smoking crack. And the gang members wanted $500,000 and a car. Sounds like Ford would make a good game-show host." –Jimmy Kimmel

Stay because we won't let you leave

"A list of the most corrupt countries in the world was put together by a group called Transparency International. There's no real surprises. For coming in at No. 1, Kim Jong Un will receive economic sanctions from the U.N. and dinner for two at a great restaurant." –Craig Ferguson

"North Korea should make this their new tourist slogan: 'North Korea: Come for the corruption. Stay because we won't let you leave.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Obamacare is still struggling to get off the ground. Experts now say the success or failure of Obamacare will depend on whether young people sign up. Which is why as of today it covers medical marijuana." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free

"Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free." ––Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week." –Jimmy Kimmel

Part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane

"In Nevada, where prostitution is legal – true story – prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pick-up line in Nevada is, 'Let me help you with your co-pay.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week, fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike, a true story. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions. The drive-thru workers? No one can understand what they want. What? What did you say?" –Conan O'Brien

"Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane." –Jimmy Kimmel

Christie's under the impression it's about competitive eating

"The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy." –Jay Leno

"I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie 'Hunger Games.' He's apparently under the impression it's about competitive eating." –David Letterman

"A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football." –Jimmy Fallon

For to be free...

"They got three feet of fresh powder back East. And that was just in freshman Florida Congressman Trey Radel's office. Radel says he's going into rehab and when he gets out, he wants to be named ambassador to Colombia." –Jay Leno

"In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day – thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything." –Jay Leno

"You can tell Thanksgiving is getting closer. In fact, today, five turkeys from the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum." –Jay Leno