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Saturday, April 30, 2016

Sometimes that works, Dad.



It's also NFL Draft Day. This is where we get to find out how great the next Papa John's spokesperson will be. –Jimmy Kimmel
During Donald Trump's foreign policy speech yesterday, he said when it comes to military action, we have to be unpredictable. Scary news for Iran, but terrifying news for Canada. –Seth Meyers
Donald Trump yesterday gave his first foreign policy speech and accused President Obama of handling Iran with tender lovin' care. Eric and Donald Jr. were like, "Sometimes that works, Dad.” –Seth Meyers
Vice president Joe Biden made a surprise trip to Iraq this morning, and no one was more surprised than him. “Last time I use Expedia!” –Seth Meyers


Thank you, Malibu Barbie!



Just to be clear, there is no way Ted Cruz could even get the nomination. He's now like a 6 year old, pretending to be president. I'm pretty sure we're going to see Ted Cruz drive around in a minivan with “Air Force One” spray painted on the sides. He'll be dressing up all of his daughters’ dolls like advisers going, “Yes, that is a good point about healthcare. Thank you, Malibu Barbie!” –James Corden
We are basically one month away from Cruz holding his own Republican National Convention at the Hooters in Texas. –James Corden


So whatever you do, don’t drink the tea called...



CVS Pharmacy has recalled some herbal teas that might be infected with the salmonella virus. So whatever you do, don’t drink the tea called, "Permanent Sleepytime." –Conan O’Brien
The American bison was just named the official mammal of the United States. To put this in perspective, the bison narrowly beat out the McRib. –Conan O’Brien
Yesterday Ted Cruz, the man mathematically eliminated from becoming president, picked his vice president. Cruz chose Carly Fiorina as his running mate: The first woman ever to lose the Republican nomination twice in three months. –James Corden


a study that vindicates my wedding night, ladies and gentlemen



During his foreign policy speech yesterday, Donald Trump mispronounced Tanzania and called it "Tanzainia." Then Melania was like, "That's nothing. My name is actually Kathryn." –Jimmy Fallon
We have less than 100 days to go until the summer Olympics. It's less than 100 days until people at home in sweatpants eating potato chips are like, "I could do that." –Jimmy Fallon
A study found that one minute of intense exercise may have the same physical benefits as 45 minutes of moderate exercise. So finally, a study that vindicates my wedding night, ladies and gentlemen. –Conan O’Brien


Thursday, April 28, 2016

tell the passengers how much you love them



ISIS has reportedly started rolling out “reductions in benefits” to try to cut down costs. And now al-Qaeda is trying to compete with them by launching “Osamacare.”  --Seth Meyers
A restaurant in Pennsylvania has started selling a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton topped with buffalo chicken and hot sauce. They also have a Trump pizza, it doesn’t have any toppings but the crust is folded over to hide it. --Seth Meyers
A JetBlue pilot had to appear in court today after being caught flying into New York’s Kennedy Airport while drunk. Apparently he kept turning on the cabin intercom to tell the passengers how much he loved them. --Seth Meyers


I assume he means civilization as we know it



You almost have to hand it to Ted Cruz. Even though he lost all five primaries, today he named a running mate. He named Carly Fiorina as his running mate. For what, I don't know. Maybe they plan to go running together. –Jimmy Kimmel
During his victory speech last night Donald Trump dismissed the idea of facing a contested convention, saying, “As far as I’m concerned, it’s over.” And by “it,” I assume he means civilization as we know it. –Seth Meyers
Should he win the nomination, Ted Cruz has selected former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina as his running mate. But, unfortunately, he did so by announcing, “Ted Cruz has HP VP!” -- Seth Meyers


Day two: “Any big plans for the weekend?



There is a new trend in U.K. corporate policy where employees are being given paid time off so that they can acclimate a new pet to their home. They’re calling it “pawternity” leave. You can read more about this story 10 years from now in the book about how China took over the world. –James Corden
There is a new trend in U.K. corporate policy where employees are being given paid time off so that they can acclimate a new pet to their home. They’re calling it “pawternity” leave. This makes sense maybe for dogs, but you definitely don't need time off for cats. Cats don't care if you are at home. Cats don't even care if you are alive. –James Corden
You don't need a pet to get time off, you could also just move to Venezuela where the president announced today that they are moving to a two-day workweek. And this news is incredible because not only does a two-day workweek sound amazing, I now know one thing about Venezuela. A two-day workweek really does sound great because it makes for the perfect amount of office small talk. Like, day one: “How was your weekend?” Day two: “Any big plans for the weekend?” –James Corden


You never really get used to it



Earlier today, despite losing five primaries, Ted Cruz stunned everybody by announcing his vice presidential candidate is Carly Fiorina. This means Fiorina is now just a heartbeat away from never being president. –Conan O’Brien
Now that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will have to get used to Hillary Clinton’s shouting. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You never really get used to it." –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump now appears to be the likely Republican nominee. In a related story, Canada is getting ready for 45 million people to come crash on their couch. –Conan O’Brien


her lifelong dream was to lose twice in the same election



Yesterday was a huge win for Donald Trump, who won all five of the primaries in the states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. During his victory speech, Trump called it a “diverse victory.” And it’s true! Some people in those states shop at J. Crew, and others shop at the J. Crew OUTLET. –Jimmy Fallon
Today, Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz's running mate. Fiorina said it's always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election. –Jimmy Fallon
Former presidential candidates Martin O'Malley and Mike Huckabee might actually be starting a bipartisan band together. The band has a great way to make money: Their concerts are free, but earplugs cost $200. –Jimmy Fallon


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Willie Nelson was like, “Oh hell yeah!”



According to a new study, people with several plants around their homes often live longer. Willie Nelson was like, “Oh hell yeah!” –Seth Meyers
Taco Bell is reportedly testing making taco shells from fried chicken. Which should finally answer the age-old question: “911 — what’s your emergency?” –Seth Meyers
Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a loose cannon and said, “Loose cannons tend to misfire.” Trump was like, “My cannon works just fine, I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I’ve already discussed this.” –Jimmy Fallon
Celebrities can't move to Canada, that's not how this works. All of America's best celebrities come from Canada. Ryan Gosling? Canadian. Justin Bieber? Canadian. Ryan Reynolds? Canadian. And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night. –James Corden




This is exactly what Gary Busey and Meatloaf would do



Ted Cruz and John Kasich made a pact so they would each have a better chance of stopping Donald Trump from getting the delegates he needs. It’s a halfhearted alliance between two guys who don't like each other. Somehow Donald Trump has turned this into an episode of “The Apprentice.” This is exactly what Gary Busey and Meatloaf would do. –Jimmy Kimmel
Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!” –Seth Meyers
Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were favored to sweep today’s primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. And John Kasich is still polling very high in the state of denial. –Seth Meyers


nothing beats doing meth in a Walmart parking lot?



Whatever celebrities think, Trump is a hit with voters. Maybe it's because he panders to them. At a rally in Rhode Island, deep in the heart of New England Patriot country, Trump yelled, “Leave Tom Brady alone!” The crowd went crazy. Getting cheers by saying “leave Tom Brady alone” in New England is as easy as getting cheers for saying, "Donald Trump should not be president." –James Corden
Trump's been pandering like this wherever he goes. In New York, he said pizza is the best. In Portland, he said gluten is the devil's handiwork. And in Florida, he said nothing beats doing meth in a Walmart parking lot. –James Corden
The polls said Donald Trump was going to steam-roll his rivals in Pennsylvania, and he did. Next, he's going to build a hotel on top of them. –Jimmy Kimmel


Ryan Gosling? Ryan Reynolds? Justin Bieber? (dream journal?)



Today was Super Tuesday where states like Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Delaware hold their primaries. Seriously, we have to stop calling these Super Tuesdays. Nothing super has ever happened on a Tuesday in Delaware. –James Corden
Lena Dunham, star of the HBO show "Girls," threatened to move to Vancouver if Trump became president. Trump said, “Well, she's a ‘B’ actor and, you know, has no mojo.” I can't believe Trump snapped back about Lena Dunham. Usually, he just ignores that kind of stuff and gracefully moves on. –James Corden
Celebrities can't move to Canada, that's not how this works. All of America's best celebrities come from Canada. Ryan Gosling? Canadian. Justin Bieber? Canadian. Ryan Reynolds? Canadian. And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night. –James Corden



The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women."



According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women." –Conan O’Brien
Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his "country club" lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend. –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump is now making fun of what he calls John Kasich's "disgusting" table manners. As an example, Trump named Kasich's gross habit of having dinner with a wife who’s about his own age. –Conan O’Brien
A teacher in Arkansas is in trouble for giving alcohol to underage students. But to be fair, just because you’re in fifth grade in Arkansas, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re under 21. –Conan O’Brien


Beyoncé showed up and handed Ripa a baseball bat



After being blind-sided by Michael Strahan’s upcoming departure, Kelly Ripa returned to “Live with Kelly and Michael” today, where the co-anchors were reunited. The reunion was going great, until Beyoncé showed up and handed Ripa a baseball bat. –Jimmy Fallon
Happy birthday to Melania Trump, who turned 46 today. She spent her birthday like she always does — telling Donald that she's 23. –Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a loose cannon and said, “Loose cannons tend to misfire.” Trump was like, “My cannon works just fine, I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I’ve already discussed this.” –Jimmy Fallon




They actually found some old Al Gore ballots




"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" —Craig Kilborn


"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." —Jay Leno


"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." —Jay Leno


There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.
- David Letterman



why Bernie Sanders should run as Third Party candidate


Proceeds being raised for the Paralyzed Veterans of America.


Reasons why Bernie Sanders should run as Third Party candidate…

Run as Third Party, please. Would increase democratic voter turnout and you could encourage democrats to vote in down ballot races increasing the chances of a democratic House and Senate. I know you said you would support the nominee. Just say that you changed your mind. Like Hillary changed her mind on her Iraq War vote, or TPP, or the minimum wage, or fracking, or free college tuition, etc. Only you changing your mind about running as a Third party candidate didn’t cost

5,000 dead US soldiers, 32,000 wounded and 103,792 were diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), 253,330 service members were diagnosed with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), 1000 service members received wounds that required amputations. Plus a quarter of a million Iraqi civilians (women and children) dead. 3 Trillion taxpayer dollars wasted. No WMDs.

Take a meeting with Jill Stein of The Green Party and the head of the Libertarian party and see what they think about about starting something special Right Now. Reminds me of that famous story from World War II, when on D-Day a unit of U.S. troops land at the wrong beach. Theodore Roosevelt, Jr.'s famous words on Utah Beach was, "We'll start the war from right here."

When the democratic establishment rigs the next election, what do we say then? We’ll do better next time? This country survived 16 years of Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush. If worse comes to worse, it will survive 4 years of Donald J. Trump.

Say NO to hacked Sanders websites, say NO to rigged primaries, say NO to disenfranchised voters, so No to NOT releasing transcripts to Wall Street speeches, say NO to money in politics. Let the democratic party know that if they support a candidate that takes money from Wall Street this is what they can expect. It’s wrong, and they know it’s wrong, yet they do it anyway.

Tell her you’ll run unless she releases the Wall Street transcripts. See how her campaign likes your “tone” now. LOL. No, hostility here. I swear I'm only about the funny. Hard to find the humor in voter disenfranchisement, I know. Smile through the tears kind of thing.


Also feeling bad for Rosario Dawson and Susan Sarandon. They are being trashed for their support of Bernie. Why did the Hillary campaign do this? Why did the corporate media let them get away with it?

Corporate media gave a couple of Billion in free advertising to Trump and ignored protests right outside their doors. So if it’s going to be Trump or Clinton or Third Party, I guess whichever candidate earns my vote is the one who is going to get my vote.


So much needs fixing. Very happy to have met you



Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Hey, that's our slogan



A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot. –Seth Meyers
A man in Massachusetts is converting his funeral home into an ice cream parlor with the slogan, "A taste to die for." "Hey, that's our slogan," said Chipotle. –Seth Meyers
Beyoncé released a surprise album, "Lemonade," this weekend. Of course, when you're over 40 and white, every Beyoncé album is a surprise album. –Seth Meyers
Hillary Clinton said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket. –Conan O’Brien
This election is heading into the home stretch and it seems like the whole world is watching. In fact, I read that sales for Donald Trump piñatas have been soaring recently. Or as Donald Trump put it, “Told you I could make the Mexicans pay for something!” –Jimmy Fallon


So finally, a cure for your porn addiction



A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up. –Conan O’Brien
A woman who looks exactly like a female Ted Cruz has been asked to star in a porn movie. So finally, a cure for your porn addiction. –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump did an impression of Hillary Clinton at a rally this weekend accusing Clinton of needing a teleprompter, speaking in a robotic manner and being boring. And then Hillary did an impression of Donald Trump by crushing a poor person's dreams. –Seth Meyers
A new Swiss airplane called Solar Impulse 2 crossed the Pacific Ocean this weekend using only solar energy. Said the pilot right before takeoff, "Wait, Solar Impulse 2?" –Seth Meyers


Jay-Z Cheated on Me



Over the weekend, Beyoncé released an album which implies that Jay-Z cheated on her. The most damning evidence is the first track, "Jay-Z Cheated on Me." –Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, Donald Trump said, "If I lose, I don’t think you’ll ever see me again." So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind. –Conan O’Brien
In order to block Donald Trump’s path to the Republican nomination, John Kasich is pulling his campaign out of Indiana. Indiana should notice sometime in 2018. –Conan O’Brien


Jewish people were leaving ANOTHER chair empty for Scooby-Doo



On Saturday, Beyoncé released a surprise album called “Lemonade” where she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. Or in other words — looks like Hillary's found her running mate! –Jimmy Fallon 
Apparently four out of Donald Trump's five airplanes are more than 20 years old, which they say is rare for most billionaires. I guess Trump doesn’t know you’re supposed to change PLANES every few years, and keep your WIFE forever. –Jimmy Fallon
I read about an Orthodox rabbi who recently blessed medical marijuana, saying that the weed is actually kosher for Passover. Which explains why some Jewish people were leaving ANOTHER chair empty for Scooby-Doo. –Jimmy Fallon


Romney pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair



"Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes they would. This time he would get his ass kicked by a woman." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what's on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts." –Bill Maher

"
"A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead. Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair." –Bill Maher








a million southerners have been left in the dark



"Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the hospital, and maybe she has brain damage. You know, I don’t recall the Republicans being this concerned with mental fitness during the years when Reagan was talking to house plants in the White House." –Bill Maher
"Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away." –Bill Maher


"I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark --- and then the storm hit." –Bill Maher


The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke



"On gun nuts who want to open carry everywhere: "Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts — you're ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room." –Bill Maher
"Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?" –Bill Maher


Sunday, April 24, 2016

President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice



"Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' —Conan O'Brien


"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense — he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman


"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" —Jay Leno


Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo



"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." —Conan O'Brien


"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman


"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"


"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey




Torture is missing a putt by this much



"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman


"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman


"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno

That's right, he was drinking again




"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman


"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman


"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien

Saturday, April 23, 2016

I ain't make none mistakes ever



"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman


"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman


"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien