Friday, July 31, 2015

The the ceremonial burning of the rule book

While Donald Trump leads the Republican field by a wide margin right now, he seems to be unelectable. The same poll shows him losing to Hillary Clinton by 12 points. Losing to Joe Biden by 12 points. Losing by 8 points to Bernie Sanders. He's 5 points behind Bill Cosby. –Jimmy Kimmel
Hillary also said today that her greatest strength is her passionate commitment to helping people. For instance, there was that time in 2008 when she helped a young black man from Chicago become president. –Seth Meyers
NFL training camp began today for many teams. As usual, the New England Patriots camp began with the ceremonial burning of the rule book. –Seth Meyers

NOPE! I'll hold it until 2020.

Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore officially announced his campaign yesterday, bringing the total number of Republican candidates to 17. Here's how I know that’s too many: If I saw 17 people in line for the BATHROOM, I’d be like, “NOPE! I'll hold it until 2020.” –Jimmy Fallon
I saw that the D.C. newspaper The Hill published its annual list of the 50 most beautiful people in politics yesterday. And once again, it only had five people on it. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary says she's gonna ride off a cliff like Thelma and Louise

We’re in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City, and temperatures are supposed to be in the 90s for the next several days. In fact Donald Trump was so mad about the weather, he actually gave away Al Roker's personal phone number. –Jimmy Fallon
Trump said if his presidential campaign fails, he will “ride into the sunset." And if Donald Trump WINS the presidency, Hillary says she's gonna ride off a cliff like Thelma and Louise. –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Smoke that pot now.

Chris Christie said yesterday if he's elected, he'll fight against legalized marijuana, so Colorado and Washington residents had better, quote, "Smoke that pot now." Colorado and Washington residents said, "OK. That was the plan all along. Are you guys trying to trick us? Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us. You're eating doughnuts." –Seth Meyers
A teen couple has won over $20,000 in scholarship money for making their prom outfits. They made their prom outfits entirely from duct tape. Unfortunately, they had to spend it all on hospital bills after taking the outfits off. –Seth Meyers

The Beach Boys should definitely write a song about this

A hot new surf destination has been discovered and it's none other than North Korea. Up until this point, surfboards have been used primarily as a means of escape from North Korea. I can't think of any country that embodies the easygoing surfer attitude more than North Korea. The Beach Boys should definitely write a song about this. –Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump said yesterday that he would love to have Sarah Palin in his administration because she is somebody who knows what's happening. Said Sarah Palin, "Trump's running for president? When did that happen?" –Seth Meyers

So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you.

A dentist from Minnesota went on one of those big-game hunting trips in Africa and ended up illegally killing a pretty famous lion named Cecil. So many people hate this guy, Donald Trump is considering him as a running mate. "This guy is the worst. He’s perfect for my campaign." –Jimmy Fallon
A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you. –Jimmy Fallon

He can't be worse than DOZE nuts.

It seems like every day, another candidate comes out of the woodwork. In fact this week, a man from Iowa whose actual legal name is Deez Nuts, announced that he is running for president. Then Americans looked at the other candidates and said, “He can't be worse than DOZE nuts.” –Jimmy Fallon

The NFL upheld Tom Brady’s four-game suspension yesterday, and said the decision involved the fact that Brady destroyed his cell phone just before he was investigated. Then Hillary said, “You didn’t have to destroy it — you just switch the SIM card memory chip! Uh, so I’ve heard. I don't know. Bye. Gotta go." –Jimmy Fallon

It came down to two men and I won her

A New York man was arrested Friday for driving an ice cream truck intoxicated wearing only underwear and yelling at children. So on the down side, he was arrested. But, on the up side, he is the Republican front-runner. –Seth Meyers

The season finale of "The Bachelorette" was last night. And Nick was the big winner because Kaitlyn chose Shawn. I'm not sure that's the best way to tell the story how you met your fiancée. "I won her on a game show, it came down to two men and I won her." –Seth Meyers

It's 2015 and we’re not even living in Detroit

The killer robots can't be coming that soon. Like, in the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey," we were supposed to be living on the moon in the year 2001. It's 2015 and we’re not even living in Detroit. –James Corden
A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.” –Seth Meyers

I mean robots that will kill you

I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for $21 million. When asked why he’s selling it now, Trump said "Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I'm selling, so why not strike while the iron's hot.” –Jimmy Fallon
Stephen Hawking, Elon Musk, and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak were a part of a group of scientists that issued a warning to all of humanity that recent breakthroughs in artificial intelligence will one day lead to killer robots. Just to be clear, when I say killer robots, I don't mean like "killer robots, dude." I mean robots that will kill you. –James Corden

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Officials first became suspicious in 1991.

A CNN poll has Trump with 18 percent, ahead of Jeb Bush in second place with 15 percent. This is how we do things now. We find our spouses on "The Bachelorette" and our presidents on "The Apprentice." –Jimmy Kimmel
Snoop Dogg was arrested and released in Sweden this weekend on suspicion of using illegal drugs. Officials first became suspicious in 1991. --Seth Meyers

It's going to be very funny until the White House is covered in gold paint

On ABC's season finale of "The Bachelorette" Nick's proposal fell on deaf ears when Kaitlyn chose Sean. All Nick got out of it was an awkward limo ride home. "I am the world's biggest joke." "That is not true. Not as long as Donald Trump is running for president." –Jimmy Kimmel
According to multiple new polls, Donald Trump is still leading the field of Republican candidates for president, which I have to say is all going to be very funny until the White House is covered in gold paint. –Jimmy Kimmel

Can I wrap you in bacon?

Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they celebrated Italian culture and Italian food. The street fair involved two of Christie’s favorite pastimes – eating, and shutting down traffic. It's a combo platter. –Jimmy Fallon
Chris Christie attended an Italian-American Heritage Festival where vendors served him a lot of Italian food, including bacon-wrapped dates. Which was also Christie’s prom fantasy in high school. “Want to go to prom with me? Can I wrap you in bacon?" –Jimmy Fallon

I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.

Tom Cruise is here to promote the new "Mission: Impossible" movie, which I believe is all about Donald Trump's PR team. –Jimmy Fallon
In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton “easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country.” When asked what he based that on, Trump said, "I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.” –Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Bernie Sanders leads all republicans in the polls!

The Bet
George Dubya and Dick Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. Cheney bets Dubya $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Dubya replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Dubya and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," Dubya replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."
Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," said Dubya, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Saturday, July 25, 2015

God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'

Sources say the Obama administration is in the "final stages" of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it’s gonna work is, they’re going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course. –Seth Meyers
On George W. Bush: ''You've performed so poor, I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a sh*tty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.''' Bill Maher

Somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar

Sharknado 3 premiered last night and SyFy has already confirmed that there will be a Sharknado Four. It’s like a bad joke that’s gone too far. And you can tell, because Sharknado is now the Republican frontrunner. –Seth Meyers
Presidential hopeful Rick Perry yesterday accused Donald Trump of “demagoguery,” and said that he must be “excised and discarded.” So one thing is clear: somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar. –Seth Meyers

Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels

Republican candidate George Pataki said his dogs would give him the best endorsement for becoming our next president. Until they hear Chris Christie always carries bacon in his pockets. (Joke's on them, though, he’s never going to give them any of that pocket bacon. It’s what gets him through long meetings!) –Jimmy Fallon
Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels. –Jimmy Fallon

It’s a very classy book-fence!

Today Trump went to Texas to visit the border between the U.S. and Mexico. And when he got there, other Republicans pushed him over the border and went, “Your problem now! You gotta deal with this guy! He's on your side!” –Jimmy Fallon
The FEC released Donald Trump’s financial disclosure yesterday, and it revealed that he received royalties of less than 200 dollars for most of his books. The bad news is, the books aren’t selling; but the GOOD news is – looks like he’s got something to build that Mexican fence with! “It’s a very classy book-fence!” –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, July 24, 2015

You win by flipping over the board and going outside for a cigarette

Donald Trump's children released a statement this week calling their father a "true visionary and a great mentor." And Trump released a statement calling his kids "suck-ups" and "not the best." –Seth Meyers
The French-language Scrabble championship was won this week by a New Zealand man who does not speak French. Of course, in French scrabble, you win by flipping over the board and going outside for a cigarette. –Seth Meyers

Barack Obama is going to play Batman next year

Tonight was the big premiere of "Sharknado 3" on the Syfy channel. I watched it, and I think the best actor was me just now saying I watched "Sharknado 3." –Jimmy Fallon
This week, Donald Trump and Lindsey Graham had a beef. What would you call that? Beef jerky. –James Corden

Super hero movies, you're great, but there's just too many of you. In the past five years alone, there have been 22,000 superhero movies. It's getting ridiculous, we have had more Batmans in the past 25 years than we've had presidents. And guess what? Barack Obama is probably going to play Batman next year. –James Corden

They both went after the same tennis ball

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president. –Jimmy Fallon
Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball. –Jimmy Fallon

New phone, who dis?

A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a "self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard." Or as Trump put it, "You forgot very rich . . . I'm a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich." –Jimmy Fallon
After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cell phone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, "New phone, who dis?" –Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison

Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn’t fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer. –Seth Meyers
A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty yesterday of rigging a computerized "Hot Lotto" game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison. –Seth Meyers

mandatory Mexican gay weed bill

Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would’ve responded but he was busy drafting his new "mandatory Mexican gay weed" bill. –Jimmy Fallon
In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced “The Godfather” and said his nickname used to be “Veto Corleone” because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you’re the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn’t bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst. –Jimmy Fallon

Graham knew something was up when...

The U.S. won the International Math Olympiad. If you don’t think Americans can compete with Asia in math, maybe you should talk to some of the members of the American team, like Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, and Allen Liu. And their coach, Po-Shen Loh. –Seth Meyers
In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cell phone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call. –Jimmy Fallon

Republicans really don’t want gays tying the knot

On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on "Celebrity Apprentice" between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser? –Jimmy Kimmel
Rick Perry said this weekend that he believes Boy Scouts would be “better off if they didn’t have openly gay scoutmasters.” Man, between the Boy Scouts and gay marriage, Republicans really don’t want gays tying the knot. –Seth Meyers

Whoa! I think these things are magic!

Rick Perry actually said Trump is a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense who is unfit to be president. Then Perry took off his glasses and said, "Whoa! I think these things are magic!” —Jimmy Fallon
The dating website, which is a site where married people go to find someone to have an affair with, was hacked yesterday and now the hackers are threatening to release information about its users. This is one way to cut down on the number of people running for president. —Jimmy Fallon

lay low for a while until this all combs over..

Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, “I like people that weren’t captured.” Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over. —Jimmy Fallon
Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, “And that’s coming from ME!” —Jimmy Fallon

Monday, July 20, 2015

Robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0.

Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0. —Jimmy Fallon
President Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many former congressmen. —Jimmy Fallon

That’s like giving your money to a pile of money

Donald Trump’s campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That’s like giving your money to a pile of money.—Jimmy Fallon
In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump’s campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, “fired up the crazies.” Not to be confused with Trump’s show “Celebrity Apprentice,” where he just FIRED the crazies. —Jimmy Fallon

Friday, July 17, 2015

for a brief moment, there was some real excitement over at Fox News

Caitlyn Jenner was given the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage at last night’s ESPY Awards. Caitlyn received the award for spending 24 years married to Kris Jenner.—Seth Meyers
President Obama today became the first sitting U.S. president to visit a federal prison. And for a brief moment, there was some real excitement over at Fox News. —Seth Meyers

So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump. —Conan O’Brien
iPhone users are reporting that Siri will correct them if they try to say Bruce Jenner instead of Caitlyn. In a related story, Siri is now asking to be addressed as Steve. —Conan O’Brien

but wished the lines were a billion times longer..

Disney revealed its plans for its upcoming resort and theme park in Shanghai, which will open next year. It’s great news for anyone who loves theme parks but wished the lines were a billion times longer. —Jimmy Fallon
In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said "Hey, she stole my speech."—Conan O’Brien

Trump’s winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine

Earlier this week Donald Trump gave an interview with CNN at a winery he owns in Virginia. It turns out Trump’s winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine.—Jimmy Fallon
Over on the Democratic side, Martin O’Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn’t running for president to be quote, “wined and dined” by executives. Then Chris Christie said, “And I am also not running to be wined.” —Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, July 16, 2015

How much meth you would have to smoke to vote for Donald Trump?

That El Chapo is quite a character. A photo surfaced of El Chapo drinking a beer and flying a plane. Sounds like we have a new "Most interesting man in the world." —Conan O’Brien
A man in Colorado was driving with a cousin who refused to get out of the car. So he called the police and they found her in the car along with 16 pounds of meth. Isn't the first rule of having 16 pounds of meth in your car to never call the police? Sixteen pounds of meth. To put that in perspective, that's how much meth you would have to smoke to vote for Donald Trump. —James Corden
After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over "Celebrity Apprentice." So Trump’s greatest nightmare came true. A Hispanic guy took his job.—Seth Meyers