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Friday, February 26, 2016

Just scrape it off if it tastes funny



CNN and Telemundo both carried tonight’s debate. So questions were addressed either “for Mr. Trump” or “para El Diablo." –Seth Meyers
President Obama posted on LinkedIn today about his first job scooping ice cream. He’s the first president to post on LinkedIn — other than, of course, Abraham LinkedIn. –Seth Meyers
Some parents across the country are worried after certain brands of sippy cups have started growing mold inside the mouthpiece valves. While other parents are on their third child. “Just scrape it off if it tastes funny.” –Seth Meyers


a machine gun made out of Bibles



A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie's campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It's like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles. –James Corden
Donald Trump has a powerful new enemy and his name is Mitt Romney. You remember Mitt Romney, the JCPenney mannequin who came to life and ran for president four years ago? He's back. –Jimmy Kimmel
Mitt Romney said there will be a bombshell in Donald Trump's tax returns once they are released, and added that he's either not as rich as he says he is or he didn't give money to the veterans or disabled people like he's been saying he does. How is that a bombshell? Of course he's not as rich as he says he is. He's not as anything as he says he is. –Jimmy Kimmel



I thought he looked familiar



The latest polls show Donald Trump beating Marco Rubio in Rubio’s home state of Florida by 16 points. To win back Florida voters, Rubio has started doing meth. –Conan O’Brien
U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly is about to return to Earth after spending an entire year in space. Then he saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers and said, "You know, I’m good up here." –Conan O’Brien
It’s been announced that Vice President Joe Biden will be a presenter at Sunday night’s Oscars. So, diversity problem — solved! –Conan O’Brien
President Obama said that his very first job was scooping ice cream. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "I thought he looked familiar." –Conan O’Brien


Hypocrisy Cove



Mitt Romney recently accused Trump of having a bombshell in his tax returns, then Trump responded by tweeting that Romney blew an election. Yeah, Donald Trump is fighting with Mitt Romney. Even the Oscars were like, “That's just too white.” –Jimmy Fallon
In a new interview, Donald Trump's wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good 'cause if she ever becomes first lady she'll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages. –Jimmy Fallon
It’s been reported that Donald Trump, despite his anti-immigration stance, hired over 500 foreign workers at his Florida resort. In fairness, the resort is called "Hypocrisy Cove." –Conan O’Brien


at one point they took turns prank calling Jeb Bush



Tonight in Houston, Texas, there was yet another Republican debate. Even the people on "Grey's Anatomy" were like, "How long does this go on?" –Jimmy Fallon
At the debate last night you can tell the candidates are getting bored up there 'cause at one point they took turns prank calling Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon
Last night, John Kasich said his favorite president was George Washington because he could have been president forever but stepped down after two terms. While Trump said his favorite president was George Washington 'cause he also wore a fantastic wig. –Jimmy Fallon


Thursday, February 25, 2016

Collected Poems (1985-2015) volume 1




Proceeds being raised for veterans causes including the Paralyzed Veterans of America and Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

Some reviews of my work:

His poetry will go on being read and studied for years to come. From his pillowcases with magical powers, the consequences of a man coming home five minutes too late, or a Marine platoon in Vietnam making a left turn instead of turning right. The poems build upon one another with lines of creation, then of destruction. Then start all over again with the next poem and the next line. It will wear you down. An overwhelming presence here. And while you are reading, starvation seems inevitable. Survival unsure.
An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
Kristina Betts, Lapel Review

It made me blow the dust off my copy of Orwell’s 1984. An amazing compilation.
Susan Hampton, Edgewood Journal

I fully agree with Bukowski Lover's concise review. John Hulse does, indeed evoke the wordplay of the Late CB, but he brings an honesty and openness way to beautiful and fragile, so that you'll weep every time that pure sweetness meets the mean streets of this Reality we all share. He'll make you yearn for its Deliverance, and then, suddenly, you'll know what you must do to save it. ... and you're not alone... even if you feel like it. Hulse evokes here a sort of Matthew 5: 1-12 Beatitudes for our times, through deep-diving, immersive views into the world of Empathy and Mercy, and Compassion that are spell-binding in their simplicity.

This book should be included in the "Welcome to Humanity" Packets for all newcomers. John Hulse is a true Master of the Word, and most tender of Champions for the Human Condition.

Mr. Hulse displays a mastery of the foibles of humanity—specifically men. He’s got a sharp wit, a fresh an interesting take on relationships, and isn’t afraid to push the envelope with his content. His bio discusses his world travels and myriad life experiences, and this reader can’t help but notice how his past very obviously affects his work. It appears to be an organic evolution, because growth in technique, word selection, and image creation is evident throughout. A thoroughly entertaining jaunt through the mind of a man who is without doubt as interesting as his work.

Whenever I’ve had the opportunity to read Mr. Hulse’s work, I am always struck by the mix of brutal honesty and humorous social commentary. He hasn’t failed to impress with this latest release. His jabs at the evil of corporate America, his insights into the dichotomous nature of public America, and his humble and hilarious comments on his personal life never disappoint. His raison d’ĂȘtre is poetry, and this dedication is obvious. With the loss of so many great poets in the last 10 or 15 years, I am glad another voice is there to contribute to the art.


Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!




Following his win at last night’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump told supporters that he won in almost every voter demographic, and said, quote, “I love the poorly educated.” To which they replied, “Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!" –Seth Meyers
Donald Trump said yesterday that his supporters are so loyal that they would kill for him. In fact, that’s who killed that thing he wears on his head. –Seth Meyers
Engineers at Boston Dynamics have unveiled a humanoid robot that can withstand getting pushed in the chest with a hockey stick without falling over. Which is definitely the most Boston way to test a robot. –Seth Meyers

He got one vote from a Chinese guy, which was nice.



Trump won the Nevada caucuses in every demographic last night. He won white men, white women, white rich people, and white poor people. Rural whites, urban whites. He got one vote from a Chinese guy, which was nice. –Jimmy Kimmel
Dr. Ben Carson finished a distant fourth in Nevada. He only got 5 percent of the vote. But for some reason he's still not dropping out. He's promised to continue on. He said, "I believe that things are starting to happen here." You know it's time to drop out when it has been weeks since Donald Trump even bothered to call you a moron. –Jimmy Kimmel
I was thinking about why Ben Carson is still running today and my first guess is he's retired and he's bored. He has $10 million in the bank. Why not run? But there's another possibility. Maybe he's sleepwalking. –Jimmy Kimmel


Don’t Worry I Was Adopted



Wealthy GOP donors are now lining up behind Marco Rubio. Not because the donors think he can stop Trump, but because they think Rubio is the valet. –Conan O’Brien
Hillary came to Los Angeles and she visited the set of the political drama "Scandal." There was an awkward moment when Hillary told the writers, "Man, have I got some ideas for you." –Conan O’Brien
Despite Jeb Bush’s poor campaign, some analysts are already talking about the political rise of his son, George P. Bush. George P. Bush has already got his campaign slogan: "Don’t Worry I Was Adopted." –Conan O’Brien


Mrs. Trump said she had about 4.5 billion reasons



Although she herself is an immigrant, Donald Trump’s wife Melania says she is fine with her husband’s tough anti-immigration stance. When asked why, Mrs. Trump said she had about 4.5 billion reasons. –Conan O’Brien
After he won yesterday's Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, "I love the poorly educated." Trump then said, "And when I’m president there’ll be more of them than ever." –Conan O’Brien
When asked about Cuba Gooding Jr.’s portrayal of him, O.J. Simpson said he’s "not tall enough and his head is too small." Simpson then said, "Also, he didn't kill my wife." –Conan O’Brien


Mexico is starting to think a wall is a pretty great idea



Last night was the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump scored a big victory, bringing him one step closer to the Republican nomination. A Trump presidency is getting so real, Mexico is starting to think a wall is a pretty great idea. –Jimmy Fallon
NASA said this week it has received a record high number of 18,000 applications for their astronaut training program. NASA said it shows a growing interest in space exploration. Then people said, “Nah, we just wanna get off the planet before this election.” –Jimmy Fallon
Hasbro announced they are making a new version of Monopoly to appeal to a younger generation. That means it won't come with any cash, so you'll have to borrow some from your parents' Monopoly set. –Jimmy Fallon
Whole Foods is looking into the idea of putting tattoo parlors in their grocery stores. Even so, the people walking out of Whole Foods with the biggest sense of regret will still be whoever just paid $8 for an apple. –Jimmy Fallon


Wednesday, February 24, 2016

he barely got 14 hours of sleep last night



We’re now a week away from the Super Tuesday primaries and Ben Carson’s so excited he barely got 14 hours of sleep last night. –Seth Meyers
At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he’d like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face. –Seth Meyers
Hillary Clinton recently visited the set of the hit ABC show “Scandal.” Is that really the show you should be visiting right now? Why not drop by the set of “I Did Nothing Wrong,” or maybe “There Was Nothing Illegal in Those Emails!” –Seth Meyers
Lego has announced that to “mirror the world we live in today” the company will be adding working mom, handicapped, and stay-at-home dad figurines. Just a side note, the handicapped Lego figurine became disabled after he stepped on a Lego barefoot. –Seth Meyers


Are we sure Spike isn't confusing Bernie with Deion Sanders?



Ted Cruz said on “The O'Reilly Factor" that if he is elected, he would not allow aliens to return. Cruz says he is so strict on immigration, if he is elected president, he will even deport himself back to Canada. –Jimmy Kimmel
Meanwhile, the Democrats have a primary in South Carolina this weekend and Bernie Sanders, who has had trouble attracting African-American voters, just got a high-profile endorsement from Spike Lee. Spike Lee taped a radio ad and just threw a garbage can through Hillary Clinton's pizzeria window. –Jimmy Kimmel
It is a weird election when Spike Lee is endorsing the oldest, whitest man the world has ever seen. Are we sure Spike isn't confusing Bernie with Deion Sanders? –Jimmy Kimmel


Obama is handing it over to the people who run RadioShack



President Obama has unveiled his plan to finally shut down Guantanamo Bay. And to make sure no one ever goes in there again, Obama is handing it over to the people who run RadioShack. –Conan O’Brien
In a recent interview, Ben Carson said President Obama couldn’t identify with black Americans because he was "raised white." So if you’re keeping score, according to Republicans, President Obama was raised white as a Muslim in Kenya. –Conan O’Brien
It was a big day for Donald Trump yesterday, the Nevada caucuses took place. Voting in the state of Nevada is a little different. In Nevada you pull the lever first and then you find out who you voted for. It is more exciting. –Jimmy Kimmel


Trump also said he would arrest Hillary Clinton for being a woman over 40



Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they’re voting for him, Americans said, "We’re used to doing things in Nevada that we’ll regret tomorrow." –Conan O’Brien
Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That’s right, Trump appeals to Nevada’s key demographic — people who’ve declared bankruptcy. –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump said as president he would prosecute Hillary Clinton for using a private email server. He also said he would arrest Hillary Clinton for being a woman over 40. –Conan O’Brien


Et tu, wall builders?



We have Bill Gates on the show tonight. We wanted to have a soft-spoken, thoughtful billionaire who is trying to make the world a better place, but since Donald Trump wasn’t available — we went with Bill. –Jimmy Fallon
Ted Cruz's dad said that God sent a message to Ted Cruz's wife giving his permission to run for president. Though I'm not sure that's what God meant when he told Cruz’s wife, “Run!!” –Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, a group of more than 20 unions released a statement supporting Hillary Clinton for president, including the Bricklayers Union. Then Donald Trump was like, “Et tu, wall builders?” –Jimmy Fallon
The Cuban government recently returned a missing U.S. missile that was sent to Europe for training, but was accidentally shipped to Cuba. So the good news is that the missile was returned to America. But the bad news is THAT CAN HAPPEN! –Jimmy Fallon


Tuesday, February 23, 2016

He's like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience.



Donald Trump was declared the big winner in the South Carolina primary by himself weeks ago, and the voters said, "Yeah! OK! That sounds good!" So now the obvious question is, will he ever not win? Yes, Trump is unstoppable. He's like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience. –Stephen Colbert
I thought he was just doing this to promote his reality show or sell more steaks. When he announced his intention to be president, it never occurred to me that his end game was to BE president. –Stephen Colbert


that will certainly help the upcoming election of 1956



John Kasich over the weekend said lots of women have left their kitchens to work on his campaign. Yeah, that will certainly help the upcoming election of 1956. –James Corden 
Jeb Bush announced that he will suspend his presidential campaign after it failed to meet expectations. And you just know that Jeb's in therapy right now, saying, "My brother was a two-term president. And I lost to the guy who fired Bret Michaels on 'The Apprentice.'" –James Corden
George W. Bush was a little confused why Jeb quit because he was losing. Because as far as George W. Bush is concerned, you still become president even when you don't get the most votes. –James Corden


Oh NOW you wanna talk to me?!



Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump won this weekend in Nevada and South Carolina, respectively. Because Americans are ready for compassionate, principled, experienced leadership OR the opposite. –Seth Meyers
Jeb Bush has dropped out of the presidential race. When reached for comment he said, “Oh NOW you wanna talk to me?!” -- Seth Meyers
A new study from the University of Sussex found that horses can recognize human emotions based on our facial expressions. Yet another reason you should never play poker with a horse — and they never pitch in for the pizza. –Stephen Colbert


the highest rated hate-watch in history



Jeb Bush spent $130 million and didn’t win a single state. Jeb spent yesterday commiserating with his campaign manager Nicolas Cage. –Conan O’Brien
It’s being reported that over 20 million people interrupted their workday to watch Kanye West's fashion show online. People are calling it the "highest rated hate-watch in history." –Conan O’Brien
U.S. officials say that ISIS is facing a severe strain on its cash supply. ISIS blames it on poor oversight, economic sanctions, and betting all their money on the Carolina Panthers. –Conan O’Brien
A photo has emerged from the 1960s of Bernie Sanders getting arrested during a civil rights protest. Meanwhile, another photo emerged from the '60s that shows Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, not being born yet. –Conan O’Brien


I’m sorry, I meant the orange Don King



After winning in South Carolina, Donald Trump boasted that he got the votes of "tall people, short people, fat people and skinny people." Then Trump said he "got some votes in a box" and "some votes from a fox." –Conan O’Brien 
Analysts say that Donald Trump’s GOP rivals are running out of time to defeat him. This is not according to the electoral schedule — it’s according to the Book of Revelations. –Conan O’Brien
Reverend Al Sharpton called Donald Trump the "white Don King." Today, Sharpton apologized and said, "I’m sorry, I meant the orange Don King." –Conan O’Brien


OK, well, our tunnels are exactly the same



After doing poorly in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, Jeb Bush announced that he’s dropping out of the race. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are both hoping to pick up Jeb’s supporters. Then Jeb said, “Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters!” –Jimmy Fallon
The other big news is that Donald Trump won all 50 delegates in Saturday's South Carolina primary. So if you're paying attention, this is the official point when people go from saying, “Oh, this is kinda fun!” to saying, “Oh my God, this is really happening!” –Jimmy Fallon
When asked about the possibility that Mexico might not agree to pay for his border wall, Donald Trump said, "The wall just got 10 feet higher.” People in Mexico were like, “OK, well, our tunnels are exactly the same." –Jimmy Fallon
While Donald Trump was speaking at a rally in Atlanta, the lights suddenly went out and Trump said he actually liked it more in the dark. Then Melania Trump said, “Join the club.” –Jimmy Fallon


Monday, February 22, 2016

They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers



President Obama was spotted at a steak restaurant in D.C. This week with Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks. They didn't even order anything. They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers. –Jimmy Fallon
Tomorrow is the South Carolina primary, and this week Donald Trump has been telling supporters that if he wins South Carolina he thinks he could, quote, "Run the table." Yeah. And if he doesn't win, he'll flip over the table like an angry New Jersey housewife. –Jimmy Fallon
According to a recent study of college students, some TV shows help viewers become Kinder and more generous people. For instance, every time after I watch "The bachelor" I always put more money into my daughters' college funds. –Jimmy Fallon


Collected Poems (1985-2015) volume 1



Latest reviews...


His poetry will go on being read and studied for years to come. From his pillowcases with magical powers, the consequences of a man coming home five minutes too late, or a Marine platoon in Vietnam making a left turn instead of turning right. The poems build upon one another with lines of creation, then of destruction. Then start all over again with the next poem and the next line. It will wear you down. An overwhelming presence here. And while you are reading, starvation seems inevitable. Survival unsure.
An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
Kristina Betts, Lapel Review

It made me blow the dust off my copy of Orwell’s 1984. An amazing compilation.
Susan Hampton, Edgewood Journal

I fully agree with Bukowski Lover's concise review. John Hulse does, indeed evoke the wordplay of the Late CB, but he brings an honesty and openness way to beautiful and fragile, so that you'll weep every time that pure sweetness meets the mean streets of this Reality we all share. He'll make you yearn for its Deliverance, and then, suddenly, you'll know what you must do to save it. ... and you're not alone... even if you feel like it. Hulse evokes here a sort of Matthew 5: 1-12 Beatitudes for our times, through deep-diving, immersive views into the world of Empathy and Mercy, and Compassion that are spell-binding in their simplicity.

This book should be included in the "Welcome to Humanity" Packets for all newcomers. John Hulse is a true Master of the Word, and most tender of Champions for the Human Condition.

Mr. Hulse displays a mastery of the foibles of humanity—specifically men. He’s got a sharp wit, a fresh an interesting take on relationships, and isn’t afraid to push the envelope with his content. His bio discusses his world travels and myriad life experiences, and this reader can’t help but notice how his past very obviously affects his work. It appears to be an organic evolution, because growth in technique, word selection, and image creation is evident throughout. A thoroughly entertaining jaunt through the mind of a man who is without doubt as interesting as his work.

Whenever I’ve had the opportunity to read Mr. Hulse’s work, I am always struck by the mix of brutal honesty and humorous social commentary. He hasn’t failed to impress with this latest release. His jabs at the evil of corporate America, his insights into the dichotomous nature of public America, and his humble and hilarious comments on his personal life never disappoint. His raison d’ĂȘtre is poetry, and this dedication is obvious. With the loss of so many great poets in the last 10 or 15 years, I am glad another voice is there to contribute to the art.

I know it's Monday, but...


Friday, February 19, 2016

It would be a shame if somethin' was to happen to it



Donald Trump responded to criticism from Pope Francis today, and said the pontiff will wish Trump was president "if and when" the Vatican is attacked by ISIS. Though I think what he meant to say was, "That’s a nice Vatican you got there. It would be a shame if somethin' was to happen to it." –Seth Meyers
The University of Texas has decided to allow students to carry guns in the classroom. The school says it’s a guaranteed way to prevent the possibility of a pop quiz. –Seth Meyers
A Delta flight on Monday had to stay in the air for 30 hours due to weather delays on the East Coast. Even worse, when one customer got off the plane, no one had texted her. –Seth Meyers



based on his energy level, I would have guessed heroin



In a historic move, the Pope also suggested that it might be acceptable to use contraception in order to prevent the spread of the Zika virus. That's not surprising to me because once you start debating with Donald Trump, birth control starts to seem like a pretty good idea. –James Corden
In South Carolina, things are looking up for Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz for the first time is ahead of Donald Trump in a national poll. Of course Trump is suing the poll. –Jimmy Kimmel
Ben Carson said during last night’s town hall that he shoots pool to relax. Oh, he shoots pool? Because based on his energy level, I would have guessed heroin. –Seth Meyers


there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice



Pope Francis stated that he did not think that Donald Trump is a true Christian because of Trump's beliefs on immigration. I know you're thinking there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice." –James Corden
Do you know how wrong you have to be for a Pope to dislike you? I mean the Pope's entire thing is literally forgiveness. Pope John Paul hung out with the guy who tried to assassinate him and now Pope Francis is like, "I can't with this Trump guy. I can't." –James Corden
Trump fired back saying the Pope will wish Donald Trump were president if the Vatican is ever attacked. I have to say, the one time I think people will wish Trump was president is if Ted Cruz is president. –James Corden


Do you know how many carpenters named Jesus I have working for me?




I saw that Pope Francis scolded a crowd in Mexico this week after people excited to touch him accidentally made him fall. Even the devil was like, "Oh you all messed up now." –Jimmy Fallon
When asked about Donald Trump, Pope Francis said that people who build walls are not Christians. And Donald said, "Of course I'm a Christian. Do you know how many carpenters named Jesus I have working for me?" –Jimmy Fallon
During a CNN town hall last night, Ted Cruz was talking about how much he likes singing and even treated the crowd to a little Stevie Wonder. Stevie Wonder was like, "Even I know that dude is white." –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Jeb got rid of his glasses the same week he got a gun



The 140th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show wrapped up last night and CJ, a German shorthaired pointer, took Best in Show — not, as Steve Harvey announced, “BEETHOVEN!!” --Seth Meyers
It's becoming increasingly obvious that our politics is a contact sport. It's mano a mano between people who would deport you if you understand the phrase "mano a mano." –Stephen Colbert
After saying he would never ditch his glasses, this week Jeb Bush appeared wearing contact lenses. Most people actually do look cooler without glasses, but Jeb looks like a turtle who has lost his shell. Is anyone else worried that Jeb got rid of his glasses the same week he got a gun? --James Corden


You tell ’em, handsome!



Pope Francis loudly scolded a fan in Mexico yesterday after the man grabbed his arm and pulled him down. And after hearing that the Pope yelled at a Mexican, Donald Trump converted to Catholicism. –Seth Meyers
Donald Trump said at a recent campaign rally that he has “never met a human being who’s lied” as much as Ted Cruz. Then Melania said, “You tell ’em, handsome!” --Seth Meyers
A cellist in Oregon was arrested after police found over 100 pounds of marijuana in his car trunk. Thankfully, when they pulled him over, he didn’t resort to violins. --Seth Meyers


how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon



President Obama said he believes Mr. Trump will not be president because the American people “recognize that being president is a serious job. It's not hosting a talk show." Maybe I don't get to do “serious” stuff like pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving but I'll tell you something, Mr. Obama: Every minute of every day I'm thinking about how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon. –Jimmy Kimmel
Kendall and Kylie Jenner released a new iPhone app where it lets you enter the "glamorous and exciting world of Kendall and Kylie Jenner," another way of saying “stare at your phone for hours.” Once you download this app, your phone is no longer a smartphone. –Jimmy Kimmel


Must be nice



Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, "Must be nice." –Jimmy Fallon
After his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary's team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist. –Jimmy Fallon
What is going on with the Republicans? I watch these debates. Trump attacks Cruz. Rubio goes after Bush. Bush gets into a fight with Trump. Remember the good old days when the Republicans were all united against the poor and the minorities? What happened? –Jimmy Fallon