Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Hey, we'll take third place

"Mitt Romney was in Jacksonville, Florida, and they had the big Martin Luther King Day parade there. You have to hand it to him. Even though he didn't fit in at all, he made himself right at home there. Take a look [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. Did you hear that question he asked? In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A Nevada brothel is encouraging its customers to give their tips to the Ron Paul campaign. How did this endorsement deal slip by Bill Clinton? He must be getting old." --Jay Leno

"In South Carolina, former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. He also came in a distant third. Came in third! Which would be great if he was still on NBC. He'd be a hero. Hey, we'll take third place." --Jay Leno

Mitt Romney was marching in a Martin Luther King Day parade

"There's another big story that happened last night. It was the Democratic debate in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. All the candidates were there. All the candidates were at the top of their game. None more so than Hillary Clinton. Here she is engaging with the other candidates, using all the powers of persuasion -- waving, smiling, and of course, using her heat vision. It took a little while to put Barack's suit out. Between  Hillary and  Obama, there were some huge fireworks last night after they started playing a game called 'Reagan.' It's kind of fun. Each of the Democratic candidates accuses the other one of saying they like Ronald Reagan and then the other candidate plays back by breaking a bottle and trying to cut out your eyeball." --Stephen Colbert

"The Republicans have moved on from South Carolina to Florida where  Mitt Romney yesterday was marching in a Martin Luther King Day parade, and made a valiant effort to reach across cultures and connect with African-Americans [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. This courageous attempt to communicate across cultures has many pundits asking the question 'Is Mitt Romney retarded?'" --Stephen Colbert

Just to keep it authentic, they're all child robots

The company that makes products for Apple and Samsung in Asia has reportedly replaced 60,000 factory workers with robots. Just to keep it authentic, they're all child robots. –Jimmy Fallon
The Scripps National Spelling Bee was last night on ESPN. I watched it, and ESPN was the only word all night I knew how to spell. –Jimmy Fallon
One of the winners of this year's national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, "I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away." –Jimmy Fallon

The one thing they both agreed on: no ceiling fans

Memorial Day weekend: the unofficial start of summer and the official start of people thinking they look good in shorts. –Jimmy Fallon
AAA reports that more than 38 million Americans will travel at least 50 miles from their home this weekend. The number of dads who actually will turn this car around: still zero. –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump issued a statement saying he will not debate Bernie Sanders. For a while, it was looking like they were going to go ahead with it. They even started negotiating the rules. The one thing they both agreed on: no ceiling fans. –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, May 30, 2016

Time to bring out that 'Mission Accomplished' sign again

"Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change is later this year? It was supposed to be last week. According to the New York Times, Congress made this decision in part from pressure from the candy lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating. Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby can't get stem cell research through. The consumer lobby, we can't get lead out of toys. But by God, when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar, the candy lobby has the power." --Jay Leno

"Karen Hughes, a former adviser to President Bush, is leaving the State Department after working the last two years trying to improve the rest of the world's opinion of America. Congratulations on a job well done. Time to bring out that 'Mission Accomplished' sign again." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush said, 'The Iraqis are taking back Iraq.' Then Dick Cheney said, 'But not the oil, right?'" --Jay Leno

That's like robbing Paul to pay for Peter (stop the intercourse here at home)

"Drugs? Nude massages? Is it getting to where you can't tell the Protestant clergy from a Catholic priest?." --Bill Maher

"They say (Haggard) used church funds to pay for the male prostitute. That's like robbing Paul to pay for Peter." --Jay Leno

"MSNBC is reporting that the average poll worker for this Tuesday's election will be 72, and that many seniors are not comfortable with computerized voting, which explains why the projected winner is expected to be Franklin Delano Roosevelt." --Conan O'Brien

"The Bush administration is now spending tens of millions of dollars on an ad campaign to convince unmarried adult Americans to stop having sex. So, we're trying to stay the course in Iraq and stop the intercourse here at home." --Jay Leno

Hey, it's not like I married the guy (old man population)

"Vice President Dick Cheney says he will spend election day tomorrow hunting. Hunting the most dangerous prey of all -- old men. This will be the vice president's first hunting trip since he shot his friend in the face since last February and its about time. The old man population is getting out of hand." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The leader of a Christian group has resigned after allegations surfaced that he frequently paid a man for sex. People are shocked because this guy's always been a critic of gay marriage. In defense, the Christian leader said, 'Hey, it's not like I married the guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Haggard, the leader of the largest evangelical organization in America, resigned because a gay male prostitute said that he and the reverend had been having lots of meth amphetamine-fueled sex. Now the reverend did the Christian thing earlier this week and denied it. Now he says, 'Okay, I did hire a gay male prostitute, but only for a massage.' To which Mark Foley said, 'I'm even calling this one b--- s---.'" --Bill Maher

you've ceded the moral high ground to a drug-dealing prostitute

"Ted Haggard was exposed by a male escort named Mike Jones, who said he was troubled by the hypocrisy of Haggard's public support for a Colorado initiative to ban same-sex marriage. And you know you're in trouble when you've ceded the moral high ground to a drug-dealing prostitute." --Jon Stewart

"Over the weekend, Ted Haggard released a statement saying he's a deceiver and a liar. See to me, I think it's way too soon to announce you're going into politics." --Jay Leno

"The big news this weekend was a verdict in the Saddam Hussein trial. On Sunday, Saddam was sentenced to death by hanging. Saddam had a lot to say about the decision. Normally he's all for executions in Iraq, but this one not so much. I think someone's turning into an old softie." --Jimmy Kimmel

Saturday, May 28, 2016

why not go nuts?

"Yesterday in Iraq, after Saddam Hussein was found guilty, there was celebratory gunfire in the streets. Unfortunately, it couldn't be heard over the regular gunfire." --Conan O'Brien

"Saddam Hussein couldn't have been more pleased. The death by hanging sentence was a plea bargain. It was knocked down from the standard sentence for crimes against humanity, which is beheading, re-heading, a semi-lethal injection coupled with an electrocution, a 15-minute time-out to think about what you've done and then they give you Lou Gehrig's disease." --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Saddam Hussein's reaction to his death sentence

"Reverend Ted Haggard, president of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals, resigned his post this weekend after admitting to a three-year relationship with a gay hooker. Oh, and he also used and purchased crystal meth. Because if you're the head of a gay-hating organization and you're having a gay affair, why not go nuts?" --Jon Stewart

Friday, May 27, 2016

He's going to be forced to go hunting with Dick Cheney

"During the election, do you know what Vice President  Dick Cheney will be doing? He's going spend the day hunting at his lodge in South Dakota. That's the one place you want to be if the Republicans lose -- Cheney with a gun." --Jay Leno

Things aren't looking good for the Republicans tomorrow. Even  Saddam Hussein said today, 'I wouldn't want to be in their shoes.'" --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death. ... You know how they are going to do it? He's going to be forced to go hunting with Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

Pssst. What did I know and when did I know it?

"Today in Florida, on the last day of campaigning, a Republican politician refused to appear in public with  President Bush because the president is so unpopular. And it's worse than it sounds, because the politician was former Congressman  Mark Foley." --Conan O'Brien

"They say they don't need to rely on any last minute surprises, since their Republican base is still very strong, very active, and they still have all the voting machines rigged." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrats are favored to win most races. As a matter of fact, the only Republican in Washington whose seat is safe is Lincoln." --David Letterman

it turned out he was a George Michael Republican

"The GOP is concerned about Republican voter turnout. Right now instead they have a congressman and a preacher that are coming out instead of turning out." --Jay Leno

"Pastor Ted Haggard has stepped down from his position. He was thought to be a George Bush Republican. Instead it turned out he was a George Michael Republican." --Jay Leno

"Midterm elections tomorrow. According to a new study, voters are more likely to vote for a candidate with good looks and charisma. If you want proof, just ask that stud Dennis Hastert." --Conan O'Brien

He was just two racial slurs away from becoming Grand Wizard

"Donald Rumsfeld has resigned and the new Secretary of Defense is a guy named Robert Gates. He's a close friend of the Bush family. Yeah, that always works out pretty well. Rumsfeld took it pretty well. He said he's eager now to move on to try and legalize torture in the private sector." --David Letterman

"If the results hold up, George Allen will no longer be able to put the word senator in front of his name. He'll have to go back to his old title, 'Imperial wizard.' He was just two racial slurs away from winning." --Jay Leno

"Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans." --Conan O'Brien

How does that make you feel when George W. Bush tells you you're not competent enough?

"Here in California, the voters overwhelmingly decided they do not want Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever make another movie." --Jay Leno

"The only Republican now with a mandate is Congressman Mark Foley." --Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?." --Jay Leno

"There were many reports of problems with the voting machines yesterday, especially with touch-screen voting machines. In fact, in Congressman Mark Foley's district, some of the machines were touched inappropriately." --Conan O'Brien 

you guys don't need birth control, you are birth control

"Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don't need birth control, you are birth control." --Bill Maher

"Now that they've finished reading the Constitution out loud, the Teabaggers must call out that group of elitist liberals whose values are so antithetical to theirs. I'm talking of course about the Founding Fathers, who the Teabaggers believe are just like them, but aren't. One is a group of exclusively white men who live in a bygone century, have bad teeth, and think of blacks as 3/5 of a person, and the other are the Founding Fathers." --Bill Maher

"Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless." --Bill Maher

heading down the road to the guillotine (Rick Santorum doesn't like sex)

"That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, 'She is the heavyweight champion of my life.” Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car." --Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum doesn't like sex. He doesn't like the pill. He really doesn't like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest." --Bill Maher

"Santorum made a speech and said, 'If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.' The guillotine, really? This is why he's ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French." --Bill Maher

Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?

"African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?" --Bill Maher

"March Madnesss, the only place where you hear 'Kansas is advancing.'" --Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid." --Bill Maher

it'll be like the whole country is trapped in a subway car!

Hillary Clinton has said she absolutely will not be debating Bernie Sanders anymore. So today, Trump announced that he will debate Bernie Sanders. Two angry New Yorkers shouting at each other — it'll be like the whole country is trapped in a subway car! –Stephen Colbert
Now, Trump did put one condition on the debate: raise $10-$15 million for women’s health issues. I'm guessing, "The Donald Trump Foundation for Women Who Aren't Anywhere Near a '10,' They're Like a '5' Tops." –Stephen Colbert

So if you live in Wales, be sure to lock up your Doritos

Donald Trump, today, officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he's one step closer to moving into the smallest house he's ever lived in. –Seth Meyers
A city in South Wales is on alert following reports that local sheep may have consumed marijuana from an illegal grow operation and have begun breaking into homes. So if you live in Wales, be sure to lock up your Doritos. –Seth Meyers
The Huffington Post has put out a new article on a Chinese factory that makes Donald Trump masks. And now Eric and Donald Jr. take turns wearing it and saying, "I love you, son.” –Seth Meyers
It's being reported that a surgeon in Nebraska successfully completed three heart transplants in 34 hours last month. The doctor was like, "Hey, three out of 10 ain't bad." –Seth Meyers

Did their private jet break, or something?

Donald Trump's campaign accidentally sent a reporter an email with details about how Trump was going to attack Hillary Clinton. Or as Trump put it, "Wow, another Hillary email scandal. Sad.” –Jimmy Fallon
A new survey asked Americans which candidate they'd want to sit next to on a plane and 37 percent chose Donald Trump. Meanwhile, the other 63 percent missed their flight waiting in the TSA line. When Trump heard that, he was like, "What does 'sit next to someone on a plane' mean? Did their private jet break, or something?" –Jimmy Fallon
It's being reported the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington, D.C., after the president leaves office. I guess he wants to be close enough to drive by the White House every morning and shout, "Sucks, doesn't it?” –Jimmy Fallon

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Bernie vs Trump. Prediction #1 (Collected Poems)

Bernie vs Trump. Prediction #1. Trump offers Bernie co-presidency if they run together against Hillary and whatever schmuck she picks to run against them. #FeeltheBern #Trump #DidIJustBlowYourMind

I’ll have seven Alaska Native pies (Chris Christie edition)

President Obama signed legislation this week that replaced the term “Eskimo” in all federal laws with the phrase “Alaska Native.” “Fine, I’ll have seven Alaska Native pies,” said Chris Christie. –Seth Meyers
The Trump campaign is about to launch a secret plan to attack Hillary Clinton over the Whitewater scandal from the ’90s. We know he's going to do this because they accidentally emailed the secret plan to a reporter. Which means that, shockingly, Hillary Clinton might be the candidate who’s second worst while using email. –Stephen Colbert
Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear "no," what she hears is, "Try again in eight years." –Stephen Colbert

Incidentally, “toast” is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to

The latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll has found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have nearly opposite results with rural voters compared to urban voters, with Clinton leading Trump by 25 percent in cities, and Trump beating Clinton by 31 percent in places where he wouldn’t be caught dead. –Seth Meyers
At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, “Donald Trump is toast.” Incidentally, “toast” is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to. –Seth Meyers
The Taliban has named a new leader this week after their former leader was killed in a drone strike over the weekend. It’s the only job interview where the correct answer to “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is “I don’t.” –Seth Meyers

Have you met a straight guy in this shape?

The electronics company LG identified a new phenomenon called low-battery anxiety. People become nervous, distracted, and frustrated when their phones are about to die. If you are not familiar with low-battery anxiety, it's a real condition that primarily affects people with no actual problems. –James Corden
Trump won a primary last night. He got 76 percent. John Kasich got 9.8 percent. Somehow Kasich is doing better since he dropped out. –Jimmy Kimmel
There's a movement online, a hashtag, called #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend. They want Marvel Comics to make Captain America gay. I wouldn't be surprised if he already is. Have you met a straight guy in this shape? –Jimmy Kimmel

Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive.

Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, "Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive." –Conan O’Brien
Several former contestants from the show "The Biggest Loser" are suing the show for abuse. The contestants said, "We were completely unprepared for being mistreated when we signed up to be on a show called 'The Biggest Loser.'" –Conan O’Brien
The extremist militant religious group the Taliban has appointed a new leader. So congratulations, Ted Cruz! –Conan O’Brien

Can we talk about this over a drink? (Bill Cosby edition)

A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cyber security. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination. –Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, a female judge ruled that Bill Cosby must stand trial. Cosby said to the judge, "Can we talk about this over a drink?" –Conan O’Brien 
Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using "bad judgment." Priebus said, "I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus." –Conan O’Brien

when members of the Navy do the bravest thing they’ve ever done

Fleet Week is when members of the Navy do the bravest thing they’ve ever done: wear all white on the New York City subway. –Jimmy Fallon
One of the events for Fleet Week is the “Parade of Ships” along the Hudson River. That's one more reason we love you guys — you found a way to have a parade in New York City that doesn't screw up traffic! –Jimmy Fallon
A new study found that students who learn without any shoes on get better grades than students who wear shoes. Then the University of Phoenix Online said, “Just think how well you'd learn without PANTS on!" –Jimmy Fallon