So far, he has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television (steal her crazy)

"Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy, but he'll be back on the air tomorrow. That's right. However, for his first day back, doctors are warning Blenn to take it easy and only compare Obama to Hitler three times an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day in Wisconsin, Sarah Palin gave a speech, and the crowd was searched to make sure there were no cameras. That's right. Yeah, according to experts, Palin subscribes to the primitive belief that cameras will 'steal her crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

 

"This week Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

First, liberate the people of Iraq then Indian mangoes (his audience assumed everything was normal)

"The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us." –Conan O'Brien

"During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah. Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal." –Conan O'Brien

"Today in India President Bush announced he was lifting a U.S. import ban on Indian mangoes. Yea, Bush said 'That was my plan all along. First, liberate the people of Iraq then Indian mangoes.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I Can’t Believe This Is Necessary (Made with love)

Last night Bill Clinton said the first two times he proposed to

Hillary, she said no. Clinton then said, "So let’s stop all this talk

about Hillary’s bad judgment." --Conan O’Brien

Tonight, President Obama is going to make a speech trying to convince people to vote for Hillary Clinton instead of Donald Trump. It’s a speech entitled, "I Can’t Believe This Is Necessary." --Conan O’Brien

"Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Then someone told Trump it’s not illegal for women to vote (so wheels don't run)

"During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah. Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal." –Conan O'Brien

"The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled." –Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted that millions of people voted illegally on Election Day. Then someone told Trump it’s not illegal for women to vote. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about (He just hopes his words were inspirationistic)

"Speaking of former President Bush, he gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. Bush spoke for half an hour and said he 'just hopes' his 'words were inspirationistic.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that the average man cries about six times a year. That number would be a lot lower if it weren’t for Glenn Beck." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Your cat is messing with you (Winter Is Coming)

"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man named Abdullah Abdullah. Of course, he usually goes by his middle name, Kevin." --Conan O'Brien

The GOP has already started making a strategy around the assumption that Hillary Clinton will win the presidency. Which may explain the Republican Party's new slogan: "Winter Is Coming." –Conan O’Brien

"Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes (What have you done with Eisenhower?)

"Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama took part in an online Q & A session with a group of senior citizens. The most common question the seniors asked Obama was, 'What have you done with Eisenhower?'" --Conan O'Brien

"A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don't want to strip people of healthcare until after the holiday that mixes booze and explosives (Yowza!)

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that voting on the [healthcare] bill would be delayed until after the Fourth of July. It's a smart move. You don't want to strip people of healthcare until after the holiday that mixes booze and explosives. –Stephen Colbert

Listening to Glenn Beck tell a story is like watching paint take itself seriously.--Stephen Colbert

In fact, the Supreme Court ruling says that statements made during a campaign may not be legally determinative. So, the things he said during the campaign may not be true? Wait, does that mean he's NOT Making America Great? Hold on, is Sen. Rubio "Regular-Sized Marco?" Of course, almost immediately, Donald Trump crowed via tweet, "Supreme Court upholds Trump travel ban. Wow!" Wow? That's very presidential — much like Lincoln in the Emancipation Proclamation: "All persons held as slaves within the rebellious states are, and henceforward shall be free. Yowza!" --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues (it's a total housekeeper magnet)

"Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues." –Conan O'Brien

Three Southwest Airlines baggage handlers are accused of smuggling drugs in luggage. The officials became suspicious when every single one of the Southwest bags made it to its destination.—Conan O’Brien

"House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it's a total housekeeper magnet." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’ (his personality)

Vice President Mike Pence today cast a tie-breaking vote to eliminate a rule that blocks states from defunding Planned Parenthood, because Mike Pence only approves of one type of birth control — his personality. –Seth Meyers

President Trump today attacked Amazon for the second time this week, tweeting, “I am right about Amazon costing the United States Post Office massive amounts of money for being their Delivery Boy.” This is when I appreciate Twitter. It used to be, if you wanted to hear a 71-year-old man whining about the post office, you had to go to the post office. --Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have scheduled a debate for next Thursday in Brooklyn. Which is about as close as Bernie Sanders can get to Wall Street without spontaneously combusting. –Seth Meyers

Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was “anointed” by God to become president. To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Seal Team 6 and Barack Obama threw him a surprise party (Rancho Inepto)

"Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 and Barack Obama threw him a surprise party." –David Letterman

"You have to pick up your Census form. There will be some changes. First of all, when you hear the Census, you think, oh, please, mind your own business. But you can't have that attitude. You've got to pick up the Census form and fill it out. There's changes in the form this year. For example, under gender you have your choice — male, female, or gaga. It's a third category." –David Letterman

"Former president George W. Bush is busy, hard at work writing his memoirs down there at his home in Texas, Rancho Inepto." –David Letterman

"It's a memoir by George W. Bush and because I'm telling you, if there is one thing you really want to do now, if you are like me, and God I pray you're not like me, but if there's one thing you want to do, is get a nice fire going and curl up with a big book and relive the Bush administration." –David Letterman

"You people are in such a great mood. I really appreciate it because on a day like this, it's lousy weather. Here in New York City, it was 49 and gloomy. You know, like Glenn Beck." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dude, Where's My Cardinal? (Live and Let Diocese)

"Let's name the Pope's favorite movies. There's 'Holy Ghost Busters.' 'Dude, Where's My Cardinal?' 'Sistine Candles.' 'Amen in Black.' 'Live and Let Diocese.' 'A Pew Good Men.' And 'How to Train Your Deacon.'" –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney's been out on the campaign trail even though he's suffering from a terrible cold. I'm not surprised he's sick. It's very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that. It didn't help matters that Romney kept blowing his nose into $100 bills.” –Craig Ferguson

"Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.' That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope's giant hat?" –Craig Ferguson

"James Cameron, who directed 'Avatar,' is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron." –Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’” –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dammmn, no wonder b*tches be hating (they are the ultimate beer goggles)

October 2013

"People are actually getting very pissed off at this government shutdown. But Republicans say, 'Remember one thing. We are standing up for an important principle, and as soon as we figure out what it is, you will be the first to know.'" –Bill Maher

"This NBC News poll has Republicans freaking out. They're having what they call now a 'boomerang effect.' Whatever Republicans were going against, Big Government and Obamacare, now is more popular than ever. I love the Tea Party, they are the ultimate beer goggles, they make everyone look better." –Bill Maher

"Half the Republicans hate Ted Cruz real bad. In fact, Peter King said, 'No one has done more to strengthen Obamacare than Ted Cruz. But
the other half of the Republicans, the truly crazy ones, they loves themselves some Ted Cruz. He is the Tea Party's dream candidate; he is a Sarah Palin that doesn't lactate." –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz was speaking to the Value Voters Convention. Oh, it's a great convention they have. It was him, Michele Bachmann, Glenn Beck, and Rick Santorum. The entrance was pretty spectacular; they all arrived in a short bus." –Bill Maher

"There were some people heckling Ted Cruz, and he accused them of being paid political operatives helping President Obama. Ted, don't you get it, you're the paid political operative helping President Obama." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Aw, man, that's never coming out (I'm not racist. One of my best friends is white)

June 2013

"Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read." –Conan O'Brien

"Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues." –Conan O'Brien

"Edward Snowden shows up in a hotel in Hong Kong and announces to the world that he's leaked confidential National Security Agency memos and documents. He's now gone. Where is this guy? Gosh, if only there was a way to keep track of people." –David Letterman

"I'm excited that this Sunday is Father's Day because I'm a dad. Yeah, I don't know what I'm getting yet but I have a feeling the government knows." –Conan O'Brien 

"A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, 'I'm not racist. One of my best friends is white.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as it used to be called, The Glenn Beck Show (once Texas starts televising executions)

October 2011

"Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, 'The Glenn Beck Show." –Bill Maher

"If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen?" –Bill Maher 

"Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh no, it was me, wasn't it? (Uncle Scam)

"Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson

"Politicians on both sides are equally happy. Dick Cheney said he hasn't been this happy since he saw the YouTube video of the girl throwing puppies into the river." –Craig Ferguson

"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget. Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden? Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass." –Craig Ferguson 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He just ran out of conspiracy theories (That's change I can believe in)

"A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said today that Americans are just going to have to get used to higher gas prices. To which Dick Cheney said, 'That's change I can believe in. I like this Obama guy.'" –Jay Leno

"Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn't want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories." –Jay Leno

"One of President Obama’s oldest friends has just been arrested for soliciting a prostitute. You can tell he’s a friend of Obama’s. Although he hired the prostitute, his grandchildren are going to have to pay for it." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In the Ground/Injured/Indifferent (interns, pages, Biden)

"The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden..." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head." –Jimmy Fallon

"We're heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?" –Jay Leno

"Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane (the good things Gaddafi does)

"While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does." –Jay Leno

"Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck's show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped." –Craig Ferguson

"Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

who will now speak for the raving lunatics (the most helpless people/Have It Your Way)

"Republicans are obsessed with abortion. If they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn't they protect the Democrats?" –Bill Maher

"Today President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes, We Can' to 'Have It Your Way.'" –Bill Maher, on Democrats capitulating to Republican budget demands

"Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?" –Bill Maher

"The only real difference between Glenn Beck and Paul Revere is that when Paul Revere told you the British were coming, they were, in fact, coming." –Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”