Monday, October 22, 2012

Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever...

"Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever." –Jon Stewart

"The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy." –Stephen Colbert, on Candy Crowley fact-checking Mitt Romney during the presidential debate

"Shocking. A conservative Republican congressman was caught having an illicit affair -- and it wasn't with a man, woohoo!" –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

Romney's policy toward women is clear

"Last night, Mitt Romney said when he was looking to hire females, he would browse through 'binders full of women.' Romney said he got the idea from Tom Cruise." –Conan O'Brien

"On the subject of equal pay for women, he said that when he was filling cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they'd find in a serial killer's basement at the end of Law & Order SVU." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election

"After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president." –Conan O'Brien

"Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive." –Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why they had a debate. This race was over last night when Honey Boo Boo made her official endorsement. She's pulling for Barack Obama. They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

Forget integrity. Forget courage.

"Isn't is amazing? All Moderate Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he's ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe, and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity. Forget courage. What we want is a president who is 100 percent our bitch." –Bill Maher

"One example: Mitt Romney was against gay rights, then he was for them, now he's against them again. Or as it's known in political circles, the Andersen Cooper 360." –Bill Maher

"The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as 'Money Bag.'" –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

Your move, Mitt Romney

"It was reported today that Lindsay Lohan is leaning toward Romney, and she also said she might vote for him." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, a day set aside for people to embrace and announce who they really are. Your move, Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher

"Romney took two different sides on abortion within 24 hours this week. There are shorter waiting periods for actual abortions." –Bill Maher

"But in his defense, the abortion issue is very personal to Mitt Romney. His own mother considered not having him when doctors told her he would be born heartless and spineless." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year

"Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year." –Seth Meyers

"Look how happy old grampa Joe Biden's made liberals! Last night he ate Eddie Munster's lunch." –Bill Maher on the vice presidential debate

John Hulse painting

I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about

"A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Paul Ryan's handling committee says he just has to do one thing. All he has to do is not look like a beady-eyed little weasel." –David Letterman

"Before the debate, Ryan said he'll stick to the facts. So, see, he's already lying." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Tagg, you're it!

"During Wednesday's debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called 'Kids Pick the President.' Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents." –Jay Leno 

"People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney's son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That's right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son's shoulder and said 'Tagg, you're it!'" –Jimmy Fallon 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or...

"Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she's making love to someone else." –Bill Maher

"I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, 'That mother**ker is good.'" –Bill Maher

"Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird." –David Letterman 

He was in full command of his bullsh*t

"New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers." –Bill Maher 

"It's Mormon in America again. I haven't seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled Big Love.'" –Bill Maher

"You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they're going to reboot a campaign, they don't just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer." –Bill Maher

He might even let poor people vote

"Mitt Romney said he's going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It's interesting -- one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney did so well last night, hell he may even release his tax return. He did so well last night, he might even let poor people vote." –David Letterman

"During last night's debate Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. What made it even more awkward was that the question was, "Can you explain your tax plan?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

But it worked, so f*ck it!

"Ann Romney's entry into the bake-off was something called 'M&M Treats.' Sounds tasty. But some people said they came out boring and hard to swallow. I'm like, 'Oh, no, that's her husband.'" –Craig Ferguson 

"It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien 

"Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so f*ck it.'" –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate

Eight of which is where Romney shelters his wealth

"The middle class is broken down by the side of the road, and Paul Ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying, 'Get in.' ... Just get in. And it puts the lotion on its body." –Stephen Colbert

"The math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand. It's unfathomably complex, like string theory. You'd have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexistent dimensions, eight of which is where Romney shelters his wealth." –Stephen Colbert

"In Arnold Schwarzenegger's new book, he says his first clue that the housekeeper's son was his was when the boy started looking like him. His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent." –Conan O'Brien

Excuse me, but I saw 'Jingle All the Way.'

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages long." –Craig Ferguson

"The part of the book everyone's going to skip to is the part where he talks about the maid and the love child. He says he didn't think the kid was his at first – mostly because the kid could speak English." –Craig Ferguson 

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says in the book cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Craig Ferguson 

Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own

"Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there's a ringing endorsement." –David Letterman 

"Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to '60 Minutes' last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can't run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own." –Jay Leno

"Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole." –Jay Leno 

Preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine

"Paul Ryan now says that President Obama's foreign policy has 'blown up in his face' and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?" –Jay Leno 


"The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien 

It's like being a Kardashian husband

"Here's another blow to the Romney campaign. Earlier today, that empty chair endorsed Obama" –David Letterman 

"Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian." –David Letterman

"The presidential debates begin on Wednesday. Romney has taken two days off to prepare. They're going to have practice debates. They're going to do that for two days, and another full day of spray tanning, and he'll be ready to go." –David Letterman

"These debates are tightly controlled. Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules. It's like being a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman 

I bet this guy's always in a bad mah-mood

"Ahmadinejad is always shooting his mouth off, ranting about this, ranting about that. I said to myself, 'I bet this guy's always in a bad mah-mood.'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. This is the guy that's going to fix our economy?" –David Letterman

"It's rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can't wait to see Romney's appearance on BET." –Conan O'Brien

He's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls

"A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college." –Jay Leno

"The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He's been in America one day and he's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls." –Craig Ferguson

"A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent." –Jimmy Fallon 

Romney claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents

"Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more." –Seth Meyers

"The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Thursday, Ann Romney responded to criticism of her husband's presidential campaign, saying, 'Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.' In response, the interviewer entered the race, and is leading Mitt Romney by five points." –Seth Meyers

Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad aimed at seniors too. It's called, 'Least we can do' — named after how much he plans on doing for seniors." –Jimmy Fallon

"New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family." –Craig Ferguson

If Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself

"It's been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. I think the technical term is 'jumping ship.'" –Jay Leno

"I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself." –Conan O'Brien