No, Georgie. You'll just shoot your eye out. (and in a way, he did)

"When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun." --David Letterman

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from President Bush using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher 

I’m an actor?

There are rumors that Ted Cruz has had affairs with up to eight different women. Ted Cruz refuses to answer questions about the scandal, but he is accepting high-fives. –Conan O’Brien 

A man claiming to be William Shatner’s biological son is suing the actor for $170 million. Shatner was shocked and said, "I’m an actor?" –Conan O’Brien

The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing. –Conan O’Brien

There is a new tell-all book coming out about the Kardashians. It contains shocking allegations about them secretly reading books and wearing clothes. –Conan O’Brien