Monday, May 28, 2012

The Juan percent

"Here’s an election update. Today Mitt Romney met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners. Or as Romney calls them, 'the Juan percent.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Over the past few months there's been an increasing buzz that Mitt Romney will pick a vice president who's safe, white, and duller than him. Which pretty much narrows it down to a piece of chalk." –Jay Leno

"Next month a new biography is going to come out about the life of 300-pound New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The biography is called 'Are you going to finish that?'" –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse painting

She listed the 16 billion things she loves about him

"Ron Paul did not endorse Mitt Romney, and this happens to a lot of people. They say his hatred for Romney comes from a phenomenon called 'meeting him.'" –Bill Maher 

"Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into Face and Book." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

That's what the Cayman Islands are for

"Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'" –Jay Leno

"Speaking of the Mitt Romney, there are reports that he may attend the London Olympics this summer. Romney’s psyched to watch wrestling – because it’s the only place where someone changes positions more than he does."  –Jimmy Fallon 

"Romney had some bad publicity about that incident when he was a teenager and he and his gang chased down a gay kid and pinned him to the ground and cut his hair against his will. Well, it turned out that affected the polls. This week, Romney lost support from people who dislike bullies, jerks, and prep school a**holes. And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush." –Bill Maher 

John Hulse painting

Some of my best friends' gardeners are middle class

"The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss. I believe it's called 'Operation wink, nod, and look the other way.'" –Jay Leno 

"During a speech in Ohio, Joe Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney was like, 'That's ridiculous. Some of my best friends' gardeners are middle class." –Jimmy Fallon 

"JPMorgan lost $3 billion in their first quarter and today they lost yet another $1 billion. Turns out they bet on the Lakers. I don't know what JPMorgan is doing. They announced today they are moving their entire headquarters to Greece." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

Then he found it in another pair of pants

"Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants." –David Letterman

"Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place." –David Letterman

"Today Herman Cain endorsed Mitt Romney. This is possibly very important because as goes Herman Cain, so go the other two black Republicans in America." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time

"Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama's support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time." –Seth Meyers 

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

"Today Mitt Romney apologized for holding down Michele Bachmann's husband and cutting his hair." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

Blah, Blah, Flag, Kickass, Jesus!

"There is something indicative about his character because it seems like Mitt Romney was kind of a bully. This was not the only bullying thing he did. He also took poor kids' lunch money – oh, I'm sorry, that's his present-day economic policy." –Bill Maher

"The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshipping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: The columnist for the right-wing Washington Times who suggested this week that Obama is a racist for not mentioning the death of one of the Beastie Boys because he was white, must be promoted to Fox News. That is such a spectacular piece of hackery I can't believe Sean Hannity didn't think of it first. It should win a reverse Pulitzer. You, sir, deserve  the right-wing trifecta: a gig on Fox, an AM radio show, and a deal for a shitty book called 'Scum: How Liberals Something, Something, Ruined America, Blah, Blah, Flag, Kickass, Jesus.'" –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting  

And today Mitt Romney's dog said, 'I thought I had it bad'

"Mitt Romney said marriage should be between one man and one woman, the way it has always been – with the exception of all of his relatives in Utah, his dad who was born in Mexico, his great-grandfather who left the damn country to get away from one-man, one-woman marriage. Other than that he’s a strict conservative on the subject." –Bill Maher

"When Mitt was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt's tastes. And today Mitt's dog said, 'I thought I had it bad." –Bill Maher 

"I don't know what it's like at your salon, but at mine, isn't the guy cutting the hair the gay one?" –Bill Maher  

John Hulse painting

Romney bought his high school and fired everyone in it

"Mitt Romney has issued an apology for some of his high school pranks that went a little too far. Probably the meanest prank was the time he bought his high school and fired everyone in it." –Conan O'Brien 

"Today Newt Gingrich didn't agree or disagree on the gay marriage thing. However, he did say there should be a term limit on all marriages." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he was evolving and then he came out for gay marriage. Conservatives, of course, are furious – not about the gay thing, about evolution." –Bill Maher 

John Hulse painting

Friday, May 11, 2012

I'll collapse that bridge when I get to it

"Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson

"Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he's not sure if he's going to run for re-election next year. He's said, 'I'll collapse that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage

"Michele Bachamnn has announced she is now also a citizen of Switzerland. What better way to protest a president you think is socialist than become a citizen of a country with a socialist philosophy and a mandated health care plan." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage." –Conan O'Brien 

"Membership and recruiting of Al Qaeda is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underpants." –David Letterman 

"Let's just say you put on the exploding underpants and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?" –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot

"In the last year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s approval rating has gone up 12 points. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel  

"Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

I endorsed who?

"Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Santorum woke up this morning and said, 'I endorsed who?'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

One of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer

"Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Apparently Rick Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer." –Conan O'Brien

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Levi usually makes sound decisions

"Another parent of the year nominee, Levi Johnston, will become a father again — with another girlfriend. They have already settled on a name, and that name is Breeze Beretta. I'm surprised by this. Levi usually makes sound decisions." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Beretta is the name of a gun manufacturer. How bittersweet for Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Levi Johnston and his girlfriend revealed that they will name their child Breeze Beretta. I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl or a Jamba Juice." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

It wasn't as big a surprise as last year's Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn't as big a surprise as last year's Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big." –Jay Leno 

"Mitt Romney is fighting back at charges by President Obama and Vice President Biden that if Romney were president, Osama bin Laden would still be alive. Romney said if he were president, bin Laden would have died a slow and painful death. He wouldn't have ordered a hit. He would've canceled his healthcare." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

This is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot

"You know who's in town today? Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney has not been in New York City since he used to anchor the Channel 7 news." –David Letterman

"Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He's 160 years old. Of course he's unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress." –Craig Ferguson

"Did you see who President Obama brought along with him to keep an eye on the Secret Service on his latest trip? Tim Tebow." –Jay Leno 

"German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline Al Qaeda's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

A firehouse is not where you get to fire people

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon 

"The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman 

"Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of Al Qaeda has been damaged. Osama bin Laden's death has damaged the brand — that and poor customer service." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

That was the last thing he said

"A year ago Osama bin Laden was killed. He was executed in Pakistan. They say that Osama bin Laden would be alive today if his bodyguards hadn't been screwing around with hookers." –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden was watching TV when the SEAL Team 6 busted in while he was in there with three wives. Just before the SEAL Team 6 came busting in he turned to his wives and said 'Hey girls, let's see who is on 'Leno.' That was the last thing he said." –David Letterman

"So let me get this straight. Republicans, you're annoyed by the arrogance and braggadocio of a wartime President's political ad. You think he's divisively and unfairly belittling his opponents, I see. I have a question: ARE YOU ON CRACK??? Were you alive, lo, these past ten years? It seems unseemly for the President to spike the football. Bush landed on a f***ing aircraft carrier with a football-stuffed codpiece; he spiked the football before the game had even started!" -Jon Stewart, blasting GOP hypocrisy over President Obama's Osama bin Laden ad

John Hulse painting

Protecting Newt from all the people trying to ignore him

"The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him." –Jay Leno

"Here's a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul." –Jay Leno 

"During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

Thursday, May 3, 2012

As Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land

"New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Let's follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it's worth. And we don't need another copper-colored reminder that government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner." –Bill Maher

"Happy birthday to Jay Leno, who turns 62 tomorrow. If you would like to get Jay a gift, you can't go wrong with giving him someone else's show." –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he's working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

The places he hides his money are the same places...

"Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney trying to compete for the youth vote told some kids that some of the places he hides his money are the same places they go to spring break." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich says he's going to make an announcement on Tuesday that he's suspending his presidential campaign. Yes, he's letting us down gently. And also because technicians are still working on Callista to install her sad face." –Bill Maher 

John Hulse painting

If you must sing on the campaign trail

"This week Mitt Romney's Super PAC put out a new ad that tries to ridicule Obama because he was singing Al Green. Let that be a lesson to you aspiring politicians. If you must sing on the campaign trail, make it 'America the Beautiful,' off key, in mom jeans." –Bill Maher 

"Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban American and a cubic American." –Bill Maher 

"Mitt Romney has to be very careful because he doesn’t want to pick a vice president who will overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Oates." –Bill Maher

John Hulse photography

That's how we got George W. Bush

"A college student launched a group called African-Americans for Romney. After a couple of days he was forced to change the name to That Black Guy for Romney." –Conan O'Brien 

"Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it's known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day." –Conan O'Brien

"Bring Your Child to Work Day — that's how we got George W. Bush." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama

"Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, 'I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Republicans release a new anti-Obama attack ad. I can't wait to hear what country he was born in now!" –Stephen Colbert

"A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack’s new slogan, 'Vote for Michelle Obama’s Husband.'" –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

When you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free

"Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he's kind of stiff, he's sort of cold, he's sort of aloof. And I thought, 'Well, wait a minute. Let's look at the bright side of this.' Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality." –David Letterman 

"Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multimillionaire from Harvard can succeed in this country." –Jay Leno 

"Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free." –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse painting