Hey, what does this button do? (staring at your boobs/beaded curtains)

Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?” –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, almost 60 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump should compromise with Democrats. Like, instead of a wall at the Mexican border, maybe a beaded curtain? – Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How do I trade him in for Eric? (What does he have that I don’t have?)

“I’ve never seen Trump this smitten before. This is a reminder: He doesn’t work with a single cool person. He is surrounded by so many charmless goons that the first time he got to hang out with someone who had a little charisma, he swooned like he was on a date with the varsity quarterback.” — Seth Meyers

“The whole meeting Trump was, like, ‘How do I trade him in for Eric?’” — Jimmy Kimmel

“When Mamdani was asked during a meeting in the Oval Office if he still believes President Trump is a fascist, Trump told Mamdani, ‘You could just say yes, it’s easier.’ Wait, so he can call you a fascist, but when I do it, you try to get my show canceled? What — what does he have that I don’t have? Youth? Charisma? Oh, both of those.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they did not expect them to be the Katy Perry kind (the molly Trump took right before the meeting kicked in)

President Trump and Zohran Mamdani, the democratic socialist who was elected mayor of New York this month, have had harsh words for each other, but they surprised almost everyone by hitting it off in a White House meeting on Friday. Most people were expecting fireworks, but they did not expect them to be the Katy Perry kind. — Jimmy Kimmel

“Seriously, though, like, what the [expletive] is happening? Either Zohran charmed Trump into embracing democratic socialism and undercutting every scare tactic the right has weaponized against him for the past six months, or the molly Trump took right before the meeting kicked in.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And you should listen to him, because if anyone knows about bad ratings, it’s that guy (they could release them into the sea)

“Donald Trump hasn’t been this nervous about signing something since Don Junior’s birth certificate.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s also sweet that, even in the middle of the biggest sex scandal in the history of the American presidency, he takes precious time on the toilet to post about our show. Keeps saying we have bad ratings. And you should listen to him, because if anyone knows about bad ratings, it’s that guy.” — Jimmy Kimmel, before showing a montage of news clips about Trump’s falling poll numbers

“President Trump signed a bill into law last night that orders the Justice Department to release the Epstein files, and the legislation includes several loopholes. For example, they could release them into the sea.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can you believe the balls on that guy's neck? (Best Cigarette of Your Life day)

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell published an op-ed for Fox News this week, calling for bipartisanship in Congress. So the same guy who stole a Supreme Court seat from Merrick Garland wants bipartisanship. Can you believe the balls on that guy's neck? --Seth Meyers

"The design for George W. Bush's presidential library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas, and features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don't want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway. Don't build a library where the lights are on when no one is home." –Seth Meyers

Today is the Great American Smokeout day, which encourages smokers to try and go 24 hours without having a cigarette. Which means tomorrow is the Best Cigarette of Your Life day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a metaphor for his entire existence (Super Bowl Champion New York Jets)

On an Air Force One flight to Japan, President Trump fueled speculation that he might try for a third term (despite the Constitution), telling reporters he’d consider it but adding, “I haven’t really thought about it.” But he had “Trump 2028” hats on his desk a few weeks ago. You haven’t thought about it? You have merch. That’s like James Cameron saying he hasn’t thought about ‘Avatar 4.’ — Seth Meyers

“It’s so weird to make a hat for a thing that can’t happen. Wearing a Trump 2028 hat is like wearing a hat that says, ‘Super Bowl Champion New York Jets.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Luckily, no one in his administration casts a reflection (he won't stop until he finds those Epstein files)

Trump is demolishing the east wing of the White House. And he says he won't stop until he finds those Epstein files. —Bill Maher

In other news, during a White House press conference on Monday, Trump claimed that a cameraman hit a mirror with a piece of equipment. Luckily, no one in his administration casts a reflection. —Seth Meyers

After Trump praised the Australian prime minister, Anthony Albanese, during a press conference on Monday, Albanese said that he would use clips of those compliments in 2028 campaign ads. “So will I, said his opponent.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? (the more effective salespeople for war)

According to a new poll, 11 percent of Americans say they view President Trump as very liberal. I assume they meant with his makeup? --Seth Meyers

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said over the weekend that he's not sure who he'll vote for, but he loves Donald Trump. I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air. –Seth Meyers

President Trump tried to have braille removed from the elevators in Trump Tower, because "no blind people are going to live in Trump Tower." Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So my children may live in peace (follow-up questions/shopping for boats)

Donald Trump said in the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren’t her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat. –Seth Meyers

A company in California will unveil the world’s first talking sex robot in January. Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom (they set up the other party to inflict new evils)

Journalist Bob Woodward's new book detailing life within the Trump administration sold more than 750,000 copies in its first day of release. I guess it was pretty smart of him to call the book "Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom." --Seth Meyers

China is now home to the world’s longest glass bottom bridge, which hangs 600 feet over a canyon. It’s a great moneymaker. Access to the bridge is free, but they charge $400 for new pants. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing (he fainted across two parking spaces)

The CEO of BMW fainted onstage at the Frankfurt auto show this week. And in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces. –Seth Meyers

After world leaders at the U.N. laughed at President Trump for claiming he has accomplished more than any president in history, Trump said last night that the line was meant to get some laughter. Oh, well, then it's kind of weird that you said this right after. [Trump] "Didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK." Man, you're a very bad liar. I would love to play poker with you. [imitates Trump] "I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon (and world leaders in the audience laughed)

President Trump claimed that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, and world leaders in the audience laughed, though technically they were still laughing from when he said, "Hello, I'm the president of the United States." --Seth Meyers

New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Democrats never do anything to help their approval rating (it’s still in the original wrapping)

President Trump’s visited the Museum of the Bible in Washington DC, where he announced that he had donated his personal Bible, gifted to him by his mother, to the museum. And it’s even more valuable, because it’s still in the original wrapping. —Seth Meyers

And in a post last week on Truth Social, Trump claimed that Democratic lawmakers were only advocating for Epstein survivors in response to the party’s low approval rating. That’s ridiculous. Democrats never do anything to help their approval rating. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Frankenstein & Dracula were Union organizers (so enjoy your Golden Weeks!)

“Well, guys, the big story is today in Washington, members of both parties called for all of the Epstein files to be released, but President Trump once again called it a hoax. Yeah, Trump’s so desperate to change the subject, he was like, [imitating Trump] ‘Who wants to hear about me dying last week? Remember that?’” — Jimmy Fallon

Florida’s surgeon general announced yesterday that the state would no longer require vaccines for schoolchildren. That’s right, the state where we all send all of our grandparents is eliminating vaccines, so enjoy your Golden Weeks! — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico (but, weirdly, he left alone)

A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico. –Seth Meyers

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone. –Seth Meyers

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess the VMA gift bags were pretty crazy this year (Wait a minute...I'm the a**hole?)

During a standoff yesterday, outside his home, singer Chris Brown reportedly threw a duffel bag out his window containing weapons and drugs later recovered by the police. I guess the VMA gift bags were pretty crazy this year. –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton held fundraisers today in Silicon Valley. Said Hillary, “It’s so great to be back here in the town where I was built.” –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton spoke yesterday about her preparation for the upcoming presidential debate, and told reporters, quote, “I do not know which Donald Trump will show up.” Yes — will it be the kind, generous and intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists? –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Out of how many? (giving up)

According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?” –Seth Meyers

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true (But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise!)

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Our idiot son-in-law (without stopping to have sex once)

A man completed a 180 mile unicycle ride yesterday, across the state of Maine, unbelievably without stopping to have sex once. --Seth Meyers

​​It was announced today that first lady Melania Trump's parents are now officially U.S. citizens. They passed their citizenship test when they were asked, “Who's the president of the United States?” and they replied, “Our idiot son-in-law.” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If his poll numbers get any worse, he’s going to start doing press conferences on top of the Washington monument (nah, not feeling it)

The the president was seen wandering around on the roof of the White House. Trump, with his approval rating now at an all-time low, went on the roof because “he can’t answer your questions if he can’t hear them. If his poll numbers get any worse, he’s going to start doing press conferences on top of the Washington monument.” —Seth Meyers

“Everything about this story is as shady as a cave. Ghislaine Maxwell was transferred to a cushier prison in Texas, and now sources are saying that she told the justice department that Trump never did anything concerning around her. “Well, he’s in the clear! Good work, gentleman! I know we all had our suspicions, but the convicted sex trafficker of underage girls didn’t see anything that concerned her. No red flags for Ghislaine during her decade-long career of underage sex trafficking. She said right here in the transcript: ‘What was Donald Trump doing with Jeffrey Epstein? Nothing that concerned me, Ghislaine Maxwell, sex trafficker. I would’ve done what he did. Well, back to my normal non-concerning workaday grindstone … of sex trafficking.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”