whenever I mention a product on the air, they send me a box for free (to catch all those farm workers who can afford Super Bowl tickets)

A Trump adviser said Ice agents will attend the Super Bowl after Bad Bunny was announced as the halftime performer. You know, to catch all those farm workers who can afford Super Bowl tickets. —Michael Che

The FDA quietly approved the generic abortion pill just before the shutdown, and I don't have a joke. But whenever I mention a product on the air, they send me a box for free. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I meant I'm pro-MY-life (Leap of Faith Sushi)

In Pennsylvania, a pro-life republican congressman is accused of asking his mistress to get an abortion so his wife wouldn't find out about his affair. He defended himself saying, "Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life." –Conan O’Brien

"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is going to be so shocked when he comes out of his fifth coma (removing the locks from the dressing room doors)

“So, reproductive rights in America lasted for less time than The Young and the Restless. Jack Abbott’s evil twin is going to be so shocked when he comes out of his fifth coma.” —Stephen Colbert

Don Jr.'s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the handmaids had new cars (you’re carrying something)

Oprah made a cameo in this week's episode of "The Handmaid's Tale." And by the end of the show, all the handmaids had new cars. --Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court after they made some pretty major decisions over the last few days, and let me just sum it up for you: They basically said whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she spends that much a month on ham (four of the five monsters)

Mattel is blaming tariffs for increasing the price of Barbie dolls and also crushing Ken's dreams of ever having genitals. —Greg Gutfeld

A 115 year-old British woman is now the world's oldest living person. Or as Joe Biden likes to call her jailbait. —Greg Gutfeld

The DHS claims self- deportation would be 70% cheaper for taxpayers. It currently costs over 17 grand to arrest detain and deport someone. While it would only cost $4,500 to self-deport. Hell, Joy Behar spends that much a month on ham. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get them before they get you (2% Cherokee)

The genetic testing company 23andMe says it is bankrupt and, also, 2% Cherokee. —Colin Jost

Three teenage girls in Texas tried to stab their mother to death after she turned off the Wi-Fi. This story is brought to you by Plan B. Get them before they get you. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm surprised he didn't add a parental advisory sticker and a do-rag (you ungrateful b*stards)

Well guys it is the dawn of a new era. Donald Trump released his official inaugural portrait and the photo was lit, I assume by hell opening up. Trump is trying to look so hardcore in this photo. I'm surprised he didn't add a parental advisory sticker and a do-rag. —Colin Jost         

In his farewell speech to the nation, President Biden defended his administration's accomplishments by ending every sentence with you ungrateful bastards. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow. I never even knew Trump got her pregnant (particularly step mothers)

A number of education experts are saying that parents of teenagers should teach them porn literacy, particularly step mothers. —Michael Che

Elon Musk gave over $20 million to the mysterious RBG PAC, which claimed that Trump and Ruth Bader Ginsburg agreed on the issue of abortion. Wow. I never even knew Trump got her pregnant. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year (Oh, please, we made one vice president)

Saudi Arabia yesterday became the first country in the world to grant citizenship to a robot. Oh, please, we made one vice president. –Seth Meyers

"On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop twitching." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, R Kelly songs are good (honey, tell me what's wrong)

Donald Trump said this week that Americans will travel to Mars in his next term, probably to get an abortion. —Colin Jost

Sean Combs, his defense attorney, also argued that his client is not like R Kelly. First of all, never a great sign when the first person you compare your client to is R Kelly. But I have to agree. It's true. Diddy is nothing like our Kelly. I mean, R Kelly songs are good. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? (You know, Siberia’s not so bad)

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.” –Conan O’Brien

A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It’s funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories? –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

If it works there maybe we'll try it in New Orleans (Bad news for the turkey)

"In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we'll try it in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is planning on spending Thanksgiving out at his ranch in Crawford. And you know how he always pardons the White House turkey? Bad news for the turkey: There are three cabinet members ahead of him." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens (six of which Ozzy remembers)

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something (every one of those comes with a cry for help)

A Minor League Baseball team in Pennsylvania is selling a hot dog wrapped in cotton candy topped with Nerds candies. And instead of condiments, every one of those comes with a cry for help. --Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court after they made some pretty major decisions over the last few days, and let me just sum it up for you: They basically said whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s not a great sign for Trump that even auto correct thins he belongs in jail (a bunch of time travelers showed up trying to kill him)

In a video on Truth Social, Donald Trump falsely said that democrats support abortion up to the ninth month and beyond. Saying, the baby is executed after birth. But he only thinks that happens because when Trump was a baby, a bunch of time travelers showed up trying to kill him. —Colin Jost

There was an actual error in the L.A. Times obituary for O.J. Simpson in the section about his prison time. Instead of writing O.J. walked out of the Love Law Correctional Center, they wrote, Trump walked out of the Love Law Correctional Center, a free man for the first time in nine years. It’s not a great sign for Trump that even auto correct thins he belongs in jail. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

your only option was to give it to Rumpelstiltskin (which is the same thing he said when he voted against it in 1864)

The Arizona supreme court has reinstated a law from 1864 banning doctors from performing abortions. Now, reinstating laws from 1864 isn’t the worst thing for me because I’m a white land owner and a proud Free Mason. But it’s probable’s not great to adopt healthcare rules from a time where the only two things were prayer and cocaine. Back then, if you didn’t want to keep your baby, your only option was to give it to Rumpelstiltskin. —Colin Jost

President Biden criticized the abortion law calling it cruel, which is the same thing he said when he voted against it in 1864. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

don’t worry – we’ll work on that one next (it’s a dry crazy)

The Arizona supreme court voted to reinstate a 160-year-old abortion ban. That is crazy. But remember, it’s Arizona, so it’s a dry crazy. —Stephen Colbert

The court ruled that because Roe v Wade had been overturned, there was nothing stopping them from enforcing the 1864 law, which was passed before women had the right to vote. To which the Arizona supreme court said, ‘don’t worry – we’ll work on that one next.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Avert crisis of treating rail workers like humans (except you)

President Biden’s State of the Union speech was OK but you could tell the bar was low. The New York Post’s headline was, ‘He’s Alive!’. —Colin Jost

Biden also got a big response while addressing the issue of abortion when he said we’re about to find out how much political power women have, then he turned to Kamala and said, except you. —Colin Jost

Biden also took time to say in his speech that Shrinkflation is affecting Snickers bars and people pay the same amount for 10% fewer Snickers. And I have to give him credit because it’s pretty risky for a white guy with a stutter to keep saying the word Snickers. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’ll be replaced by the current number two republican in the senate (the dishes are piling up at home)

Mitch McConnell, seen here walking out of the theater after watching 12 Years a Slave, announced he will step down in November. He’ll be replaced by the current number two republican in the senate, a frozen embryo holding an assault rifle. —Colin Jost

After Nikki Haley’s poor showing in Michigan, pressure is mounting on her to drop out of the race, but mostly because the dishes are piling up at home. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

States are too busy deciding that life begins in the freezer section! (he can’t even say the word Russia without climaxing)

The Supreme Court ruled unanimously to keep Donald Trump on all state ballots. The justices said that since different states have different standards for insurrection, conflicting state outcomes would lead to chaos. Yes, you can’t just let states decide who goes on the ballots? States are too busy deciding that life begins in the freezer section! —Stephen Colbert

There have been some weird campaign appearances by Trump in which he appeared to speak gibberish. Apparently, he can’t even say the word Russia without climaxing. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”