Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I'm not opening that!

"Bill O'Reilly said, 'I am dealing with reality. I am like Paul Revere.' Here's how Bill O'Reilly is like Paul Revere: when he rides past you, you see a horse's ass." –Bill Maher 

"New Rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He's more like Uncle Harry - naked and unable to stand." –Bill Maher 

"It's been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, 'I'm not opening that.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

You'll never have to work a day in your life

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing." –Bill Maher 

So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'

"There's a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name 'Carlos Danger.' Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, 'You'll never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?

"Experts are predicting that the royal baby could pump $380 million into the British economy. So the question is: How do we get this kid to move to Detroit?" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has issued a statement about the royal baby. He told him to hang on to the birth certificate. Those things come in handy." –Conan O'Brien 

Because if there's one thing babies love..

"NASA released pictures of earth taken from 900 million miles away. From 900 miles away, you can make out the Great Wall of China. In Newark, you can make out Chris Christie." –David Letterman 

"The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire." –Conan O'Brien


It's a really slow-moving line

"The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably – for the next 80 years." –Jay Leno

"This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line.'" –Jay Leno 

"New Yorkers were so shocked that the thing on Trump's head fainted." –Craig Fergsuon 

What's labor?

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"I understand there's a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow." –Jay Leno

"Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill." –Conan O'Brien

Anyone with a gold toilet brush

"The royal baby is now past due. It was supposed to be born two days ago. So ladies and gentlemen, once again a member of the British royal family is avoiding labor." –Conan O'Brien

"It has come out that when Moammar Gadhafi's Libyan compound was raided back in 2011, someone stole his gold toilet brush. Police describe the suspect as pretty much anyone with a gold toilet brush." –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, July 18, 2013

I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon

"Down in Texas Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said looked around and he said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon." –Bill Maher 

"According to a new study, inactivity can kill you. You can die from doing nothing. Believe me. These findings scare the hell out of the Congress." –Jay Leno 

"Rush Limbaugh claims he is now allowed to say the N-word. After hearing this, Paula Deen said, 'Let me know how that works out for you.'" –Conan O'Brien 

U.S. senator is job she's always dreamed of resigning from

"And then the other day in the summation, the defense lawyer said George Zimmerman had nothing put 'pure unadulterated innocence.' That's right, he played the 'my client is a moron card.' I know we can't talk about race in this trial, but now we have to have code words for idiot? If his pants are full of shit, you must acquit.'" –Bill Maher

"If we're going to leave with one lesson from this whole assorted affair it's to leave police work to the actual police. They're the ones who are trained in shooting unarmed black kids." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin said she may run for the Senate. She said being a U.S. senator is job she's always dreamed of resigning from." –Bill Maher

Those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?

"Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they're talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don't seem so greedy anymore, do they?" –Jay Leno

"People in Florida are pretty worried about the Zimmerman acquittal. They're trying so hard to get black people to stay in their homes, it looks like election day down there." –Bill Maher

"Their defense is that George Zimmerman is weak and stupid. That's their whole defense, that's such a pussy that in a fight a gun was his only chance. They put an expert on the stand that said he was an out of shape doughy loser than was completely inept at self defense – just the kind of guy you want to have on your neighborhood watch." –Bill Maher 

Friday, July 12, 2013

It's the second best $800 he's ever spent

"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien 

"In a new interview, former President George W. Bush called the immigration system broken. And not just in this country. He said other countries also are filled with foreigners and we have to get them out." –Conan O'Brien 

Is this about that speeding ticket?

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman 

"Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, 'Ours too!'" –Jimmy Fallon 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing a cowboy hat

"Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to be avoided by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, 'I guess he just got lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing a cowboy hat.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he will not run for governor for a fourth term, though he hasn't ruled out running for president again. The voters have, he just hasn't." -Jay Leno 

Stop searching online for gay men kissing

"The a**hole douchebag who runs Chick-Fil-A tweeted his disgust about the ruling. He said it was a sad day for the nation. Because gay sex is just icky. He said if you want something disgusting and unnatural lodged in your colon, it better be one of his sandwiches." –Bill Maher

"Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old that she could be a Republican." –Conan O'Brien

"Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a 'vomit button' he could push whenever someone posts a picture of a gay couple kissing. Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing." –Conan O'Brien 

Women can shut that whole thing down

"Texas state Senator Wendy Davis single-handedly stopped a draconian abortion bill from getting passed in the Texas state legislature, stood up their filibustering for 12 hours. So I guess Todd Akin was right – women can shut that whole thing down." –Bill Maher

"Not everyone is taking advantage of the new law. John McCain and Lindsay Graham announced today that they're going to continue living secret lives of quiet desperation." –Bill Maher 

"Christian conservatives are furious about this. This has made them defensive. They say they are not bigots because they're against gay marriage. Now they say they're being bullied, demonized, and discriminated against. Yeah, how's that feel?" –Bill Maher 

She called for a full scale invasion of Cognito!

"Now that the Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act, this ruling means California gay guys can finally marry someone other than Liza Minnelli." –Jay Leno 

"It's gay pride week here in New York City. Here's how you can tell. The construction workers are hooting at EACH OTHER." –David Letterman 

"That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito." –Bill Maher 

Judges were really swayed by that Liberace movie

"If you really don't want gay people to get married, you shouldn't ban gay marriage. You should ban gay divorce." –Craig Ferguson 

"It's been a bit of a week for the Supreme Court. Yesterday they ruled that it's okay for gay people to get married. Today, they ruled it's okay for straight people to rollerblade." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday, the Supreme Court opened the door for same-sex marriage to resume in California. Apparently, the judges were really swayed by that Liberace movie." –Jay Leno