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Sunday, January 25, 2015

If there's two words I trust together in the same sentence..



"A new survey shows that most people trust Google more as a source for current events than traditional news outlets. Traditional news outlets didn't believe the news until they Googled it." –Seth Meyers


"A new helicopter service called Gotham Air is now offering users cheap flights from Manhattan to JFK or Newark airports that start at just $99. If there's two words I trust together in the same sentence, it's 'cheap' and 'helicopter.'" –Jimmy Fallon




Either that or he was setting up the weirdest bar joke of all time



"Tonight President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Obama said he was more relaxed just because he's already done it so many times. Incidentally, Mitt Romney said the same thing about running for president." –Jimmy Fallon




"The Obamas invited 22 guests to the State of the Union speech, including a former Cuban prisoner, an astronaut, and a doctor. Either that or he was setting up the weirdest bar joke of all time." –Jimmy Fallon




So do 10 out of 10 Democrats



"This year's Oscar nomination pool is the least diverse collection of nominees since 1998. There are so many white nominees that Fox News agreed to host a debate." –Seth Meyers


"The RNC released its first presidential debate schedule, which includes at least nine debates in different states across the country. As opposed to the Democratic debates, which will just be Hillary staring at her opponents until they burst into flames." –Jimmy Fallon




"According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats." –Conan O'Brien



In the words of Gandhi, 'My bad.'



"Senator Rand Paul reflected on Mitt Romney's potential 2016 campaign and said, 'It's sort of what Einstein said, that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.' When someone told him Einstein didn't actually say that, he said, 'In the words of Gandhi, 'My bad.''" –Jimmy Fallon




"Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there's been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

Friday, January 23, 2015

The integrity of the game and possible punishments for the New England Patriots



The integrity of the game and possible punishments for the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady..

Apparently the Patriots didn’t get the message the first time.

The New England Patriots are repeat offenders. They are repeat cheaters. 

Goodell has to send a message that cheating will be punished severely to assure everyone’s compliance and to obey the rules of the game.

This is a dangerous game. This is a collision game where large and powerful human bodies of flesh and bone are thrown into each other at great speed.

Resulting in brain damage, concussions, broken arms, dislocated fingers, elbows, shoulders. Torn ACLs, Torn MCLs. Herniated discs. Spinal injuries.

One of these days there is going to be a death. Or two.

We have men walking away from this game after playing in one hundred of these contests, or twenty of these contests, or ten of these contests that become a terror to their loved ones.

Many now they live out their remaining days in confusion and anger. Men who were once funny and kind end up putting a bullet in their head or their chest to ease their suffering.

Wives, sons and daughters now when they think of their husbands and fathers, the first word they think of is not, kindness, compassion or love,

instead the first word they think of is MONSTER.

This is what these men call competition and we watch it as sport.

Skin and bone. Where the metal meets the meat.

Once again, the integrity of the game. It is everything.

How long have the Patriots been doing this? One year? Two years? Ten years?

I remember a time twenty years ago, when I was in and out of the hospital after having tried to destroy myself a hundred times.

No food. No medicine. Little to no hope.

All I wanted out of life was to live on the farm, watch things grow and write my little stories.

I won’t be watching this “Super Bowl”. Not if Brady is allowed to play or Belichick is allowed to coach.

Suggested punishment…

New England Patriots (repeat offender). Loss of ALL 2015 draft picks.

Robert Kraft. 2 million fine.

Bill Belichick. 1 million fine. 1 year suspension.

Tom Brady. 1 million fine. 1 year suspension.

Do I have any faith that Roger Goodell will do the right thing?
Do you?

PS. Has anyone asked Kurt Warner how he feels about the Patriots stealing a second Super Bowl ring off his finger? Why did Roger Goodell destroy the evidence?



Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours


"Mitt Romney will reportedly address the Republican National Committee on Friday to talk about a possible third presidential run. It's never a good sign when you have to start your speech with 'Hear me out.'" –Seth Meyers




"Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours." –Seth Meyers


The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable



"For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable." –Conan O'Brien




"Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running, and I'm almost certainly retiring, so I don't care." –David Letterman



Lingering Awkwardness



"Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one." –David Letterman




"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will begin fundraising for a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the end of January. No word on what his platform will be, but if I know Christie it'll be really strong, maybe double reinforced steel." –Jimmy Fallon




"It's rumored that Chris Christie and Mitt Romney are planning to meet to overcome any lingering awkwardness from the 2012 election. Incidentally, 'Lingering Awkwardness' was actually Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name." –Jimmy Fallon






Miraculously, none of them were busy with other stuff



"Mitt Romney is reportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. And somehow, miraculously, none of them were busy with other stuff." –Seth Meyers




"Days after Mitt Romney announced he is considering a 2016 presidential campaign, his former running mate Paul Ryan announced that he will not run. Ryan won't say who he'll support. He just wants the best man for the Jeb . . . Job, I mean job." –Jimmy Fallon




"Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon




He wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them



"A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed to overseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them." –Conan O'Brien




"Republican Mike Huckabee criticized the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to BeyoncĂ© due to her explicit lyrics. So now the Obama girls are faced with the tough choice every teen must eventually make — listen to BeyoncĂ© or Mike Huckabee." –Conan O'Brien

I mean, what are these guys, trillionaires?



"Mitt Romney says he is considering a third campaign for the presidency. He made the announcement during a private meeting with donors. It's pretty shocking, you know, that Mitt Romney needs donors. I mean, what are these guys, trillionaires?" –Jimmy Fallon




"A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it's gotten so bad he can't afford to buy his wife her own car that she's not allowed to drive." –Conan O'Brien



Today I saw him shaking hands and firing babies



"Mitt Romney said he is considering a third presidential bid. Romney said he got the idea from watching his dog repeatedly run into an electric fence." –Seth Meyers




"Donald Trump said he is thinking very seriously about a 2016 presidential campaign. You can tell he's serious. Today I saw him shaking hands and firing babies." –Jimmy Fallon






"The film 'Boyhood' won the Golden Globe for best drama. It follows one guy's journey over the course of 12 years — or as Mitt Romney calls that, 'running for president.'" –Jimmy Fallon



That should kick in any day now



"Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends." –David Letterman


"Today is the birthday of Elvis Presley and dictator Kim Jong Un. Elvis would've been 80 today. Kim Jong Un is either 32 or 33. They actually aren't sure. North Korean scholars agree that when he entered the world a silver eagle ascended and promised 1,000 years of prosperity for his people. That should kick in any day now." –Jimmy Kimmel

I assumed they were making another 'Rocky' movie



"Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him." –Conan O'Brien




"California's 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline '74-Year-Old Boxer,' I assumed they were making another 'Rocky' movie." –Conan O'Brien


That's just his favorite aisle at Wal-Mart



"Former Arkansas governor and potential 2016 candidate Mike Huckabee is releasing his 12th book later this month called, 'God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy.' The craziest part: that's just his favorite aisle at Wal-Mart." –Jimmy Fallon




"Potential presidential candidate Jeb Bush will release a decade's worth of tax returns to avoid comparisons to Mitt Romney. Yeah, they're nothing alike. They're just both former governors from wealthy families whose parents gave them super-weird names." –Jimmy Fallon




Monday, January 19, 2015

Did the Patriots cheat against the Colts?


Did New England cheat again to win a playoff game? I think they did. Goodell already showed that he would cover up for New England when he destroyed the video tape of the Patriots stealing plays from the Rams before the Super Bowl.

If I were Kurt Warner I would be pretty upset if someone cheated and stole a second Super Bowl ring off my finger. So if Brady and Belichick cheated and stole one Super Bowl, that means Brady would have 2 rings and Warner 2 rings. Would that change the conversation about Brady being the greatest quarterback of all time?

If you take the air out of the ball it gives you an advantage in not only the passing game but the running game as well. If the Patriots knew they were going to run the ball 30 times, well a smaller ball would be much easier for the runner to protect and not fumble in the rain. The Colts noticed a difference in the game balls right away. Will the Commissioner?

I don’t expect the commissioner to find anything against the Patriots. Goodell will cover it up just like he did when he destroyed the video tape when the Patriots cheated to win the Super Bowl. But if one of the Commissioner’s favorite owners head coach cheats to win Super Bowls they are still allowed to coach. No suspension at all.

If players cheat by taking steroids, they are suspended several games.

So much for the integrity of the game.

Monday, January 12, 2015

aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game



"A total of 71 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend." –Jimmy Kimmel


"Congrats to former President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara, who celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary yesterday, and it's actually the longest presidential marriage since John Adams. Or as Barbara calls Adams, 'my first love.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game." –Jimmy Fallon





I thought Congress got canceled after last season



"A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination." –Conan O'Brien




"We have a new Congress starting today. The 114th Congress convened today in our nation's capital. I thought Congress got canceled after last season. Their ratings were terrible." –Jimmy Kimmel





You know what you did



"That's right, 104 female lawmakers. In other words, there's going to be a lot of filibusters that go like this: 'You know what you did.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"A Miami judge issued Florida's first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the 36th state to legally perform gay marriages. Of course, most Florida residents are too old to understand what that means. They'll say, 'Well, I think all marriages should be gay, and merry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Not bad..



"Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it? Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails." –David Letterman


"The newly elected congressmen and women from the midterm elections were sworn in today. This Congress will be the most diverse ever, with 104 women, 46 blacks, 12 Asian-Americans, and two Native Americans. Even the dolls on the 'It's a Small World' Disney ride said, 'Not bad.'" –Jimmy Fallon