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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

That’s nice, she thanked her Son.



"On this date 19 years ago, Jay Leno took over 'The Tonight Show.' And it wouldn't be the last time." –David Letterman




"It's not an exaggeration to say that Oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, she didn't leave them pregnant." –Craig Ferguson




"Oprah said, 'Nobody but Jesus could have made this happen for me.' That’s nice; she thanked her Son." –Jimmy Kimmel

On her last show Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse



"New video has surfaced of Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 saying the housekeeper does a 'great job.' One clue might have been that he then added, 'And she's also a great housekeeper.'" –Conan O'Brien 



"Now the pastor guy says the Apocalypse will be October 21. I know some people are saying, 'What if I had tickets for Saturday's Apocalypse?' Those tickets will still be good for October.'" –David Letterman




"Be honest. How many of you were hoping this was going to be my final show? Oprah’s last show was today. I had a good cry with the girls from our book club. On her last show Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse." –David Letterman 

So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives




"The Rapture-predicting preacher, Harold Camping, is really scaling back his predictions. He now predicts the end of the month will be May 31." –Jay Leno 

"Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he's going do something, Donald Trump . . . says he's going to do something." –Jimmy Fallon 




"Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives." –Jimmy Fallon



Other titles he considered...




"Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He's very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself." –David Letterman 




"In college, Dick Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman 




"Harold Camping has now changed his prediction of the Rapture to October 21. Does Jesus work for the cable company now? "I'll be there sometime between May and October, between 9 and 5." –Jay Leno 

but we all know Obama will be the one to actually get him...




"The preacher who predicted the apocalypse last weekend now predicts that the world will end in October. It's the first time that someone's end-of-the-world prediction was followed by 'Have a great summer.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"Last night at a Texas Ranger game ex-President Bush almost got hit with a foul ball. He vowed revenge on the player, but we all know Obama will be the one to actually get him." –Conan O'Brien

"Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22." –David Letterman



She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children



"Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don't have to buy a Halloween costume." –Jimmy Kimmel 




"A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you — just ask Maria Shriver." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Turns out that Maria Shriver could end up with 100,000,000 dollars from her divorce from Arnold. She deserves it. She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children." –Jimmy Fallon

 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The raptures were the scariest part of 'Jurassic Park.'



"There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can't believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that." –Jimmy Fallon




"Donald Trump said he may reverse his position and decide to run for president. He said he wants to do it because President Obama is being so indecisive." –Jay Leno




"A lot of people are very nervous about this whole Rapture thing, though a lot of people didn't understand it. For instance, Sarah Palin said, 'The raptures were the scariest part of 'Jurassic Park.'" –Jay Leno 



I gave my Beanie Baby collection up for no reason at all



"You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors now. In 100 years, scientists will be able to tell that three quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson 



I gave my Beanie Baby collection up for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel, on the Rapture not happening




"President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather's archrival, Donny McTrump." –Jimmy Fallon 

Utah is never getting a major league baseball team



"A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team." –Conan O'Brien




"It's a great honor to be selected as the 'Celebrity Apprentice.' It's like being chosen as a Schwarzenegger maid." –David Letterman




"Last year George W. Bush made $15 million from speaking engagements. He comes on stage and introduces the goddesses. Then he goes into a 90-minute rant about Chuck Lorre." –David Letterman



He's like Donald Trump without the charisma



"If you don't know much about Newt Gingrich, he's like Donald Trump without the charisma." –Jimmy Kimmel






"The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, "Hey, it's not the end of the world!" –Conan O'Brien 




"Arnold Schwarzenegger might have to give Maria Shriver 100,000,000 dollars in a divorce settlement. When asked for a comment Arnold said, "But I have families to support." –Conan O'Brien 

I have the nicest legs at CBS



"May 21st is supposed to be Judgment Day. We should send a robot Arnold Schwarzenegger back in time to fix things. Though I suspect if he could go back in time he might fix some other things." –Craig Ferguson




"Katie Couric had her last broadcast and we were very sad to see her go but now it's official. I have the nicest legs at CBS." –Craig Ferguson




"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's putting his career on hold to concentrate on personal matters. Either that or he's putting Korea on hold. It's hard to understand him. He told his talent agency to hold all his projects while he cleans up his personal mess. That's what happens when you impregnate your maid. There's no one to clean up messes for you." –Jimmy Kimmel




It turns out Trump was born in Kenya



"Sarah Palin was asked if she has the fire in the belly to run for President, and she said yes. But it's not the fire in the belly; it's the air in the head." –Jay Leno 

"It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger was paying the maid 1200 dollars a week. It gets uglier. He bought the woman a house in Bakersfield, and he was having sex with the lady who cleans that house too." –Jay Leno




"Donald Trump is not running for president. It turns out he was born in Kenya." –David Letterman



As opposed to everyone else who calls him 'T-Who?'



"The world is ending on Saturday. It would really, really suck if we only get to live three weeks longer than bin laden." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show!" –Jay Leno




"Tim Pawlenty's friends call him T-Paw. As opposed to everyone else who calls him 'T-Who?'" –Jay Leno




"The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form birth certificate and 'Made in the U.S.A.' Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling t-shirts that say 'Maid in the bedroom, made in the kitchen …'" –Jay Leno 

Monday, May 23, 2011

And if that makes someone a criminal, put me in jail!



"A TSA worker was arrested in L.A. for stealing from suitcases. Remember this was just one bad apple. Over 99% of TSA workers just want to cup your balls. And if that makes someone a criminal, put me in jail." –Craig Ferguson




"Everyone in the blamestream media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of." –Stephen Colbert




"There is a simple explanation for this because Newt Gingrich buys his engagement rings in bulk." –Stephen Colbert, on Newt Gingrich running up $500 million dollar in Tiffany's debt




John Hulse "The Best and Worst Job I Ever Had"

Remember the stories he used to tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?



"A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side." –Jay Leno




"Dick "Kaboom" Cheney is publishing his memoirs. Cheney is a wonderful fiction writer. Remember the stories he used to tell us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?" –David Letterman



"Officials at the Secret Service had to delete a tweet from their official Twitter account because they made fun of Fox News. Knock it off, Secret Service! That's my job." -Craig Ferguson 

I'm not going to say reading it is torture....



"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It's not that clean though, because they had a maid but she was always busy doing other stuff." –Jimmy Fallon




"Dick Cheney is releasing a memoir in August about his personal and political life. I'm not going to say reading it is torture. It's more of an enhanced interrogation technique." –Jimmy Fallon




"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor." –Jay Leno 

When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord



"Ron Paul announced that he will run for president, and he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. If he does win, it will be one heck of a victory party." -Conan O'Brien

 

"Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader - and so is SEAL Team 6. " -David Letterman 

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can't believe no one knew this was Arnold's son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord." -Jimmy Kimmel




"I mostly feel bad for this kid that now has to learn how to spell the name Schwarzenegger." -Jimmy Kimmel



She was the first maid to make $1 million a year



"Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman's husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year." -Jay Leno




"Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno




"Romney raised $10 million. That's a dollar for every position he's had on healthcare." -Jay Leno 

Thursday, May 19, 2011

It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife...



"The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's bedroom. Must have been tricky. It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife." –Craig Ferguson




"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care … everything he's taken away from every other child in California." –Craig Ferguson




"Arnold is already coming up with excuses. He said he was just auditioning to be the next head of the IMF." –Craig Ferguson




"I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff." –Craig Ferguson



Making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street



"They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues." –David Letterman




"Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street." –David Letterman




"I'm disappointed that Trump isn't running. I was really looking forward to not voting for him." –David Letterman




"Trump said that NBC talked him into staying. Then Conan O'Brien said, 'Don't fall for that.'" –David Letterman 

I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr.



"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid." –Jay Leno




"I'm Conan O'Brien, or as I can now publicly call myself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jr." –Conan O'Brien 




"Schwarzenegger secretly fathered a child outside of his marriage 10 years ago. He told his wife at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying." –Conan O'Brien




"Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all." –Conan O'Brien




Or as the French call it, room service



"The French head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested in New York for sexually assaulting a hotel maid. Or as the French call it, room service." –Jay Leno




"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like July." –Jay Leno




"Porn Identity: Al Jizzera: Dead Man Wanking: Friday the news broke: a stash of pornography was found inside Osama bin Laden’s compound. Even before Navy SEALs shot out his eyes, bin Laden was probably going blind anyway." –Jon Stewart

The Adultery of Hope



"In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that's been taken care of by the current field of Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" –Jay Leno




"Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate." –Jay Leno 




"To save money, Washington state has canceled next year's presidential primaries. If we could just get the other 49 states to do this, the candidates wouldn't have anywhere to campaign and we would have the best election year ever." –Jay Leno 




This would make a great Disney movie...



"Al Qaeda is looking for someone to replace Osama bin Laden. They're thinking about Ashton Kutcher." –David Letterman 




"As an American, I am relieved that Donald Trump is not running for president. But as a vulgar late night entertainer, I feel a certain amount of regret." –Craig Ferguson




"Disney is trademarking the phrase 'SEAL Team 6,' after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, 'This would make a great Disney movie.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

Honey, I wasn't looking at porn. I'm in Al Qaeda!



"They found so much porn at Bin Laden's compound that they're investigating whether the porn was used to send coded messages.  So remember guys, from now on when your lady catches you, you're not looking at porn, you're analyzing coded messages. 'Honey, I wasn't looking at porn. I'm in Al Qaeda.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name, 'SEAL Team 6.' They also renamed their most popular ride, 'It's a Small World — and We Will Find Where You're Hiding and Kill You.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Trump says he wants to spend more time bullying obscure celebrities. That one-man juggernaut Mike Huckabee is not running. The Republicans are really scrambling for a guy to lose to Obama." –David Letterman



Trump's announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey



"Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters — all of whom are late night comedians." –Conan O'Brien 




"Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee's announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, and Trump's announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey." –Conan O'Brien 




"Republican candidate Ron Paul came out for the legalization of heroin and prostitution, unfortunately not in time to be cast as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

That's like Pakistan having a truth minister



"New rule: you can't rail against the decadence of the west and also maintain a fairly extensive porn collection. Yes, it turns out 9/11 wasn't bin Laden's only masterstroke. Among the titles found in his compound were 'Deep Goat,' 'Radical Jizzlam,' 'Barely Visible,' '72 Virgins and One Very Exhausted Ron Jeremy, and, of course, 'Yentl.'" –Bill Maher



"Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he'll give a five-minute rebuttal." –Jay Leno




"Iran's intelligence minister claims to have proof that Osama bin Laden was dead before the Navy SEALs found him. Does anyone believe Iran has an intelligence minister? That's like Pakistan having a truth minister." –Jay Leno 




John Hulse: Villains of the Impeachment

Values, also floor mats and wet wipes...



"President Obama invited a rapper to the White House on Wednesday. The right-wing feigned outrage machine is apoplectic that the rapper Common was invited to an evening poetry, or as they call it, black-on-black rhyme. Sarah Palin tweeted one of her brain farts. She said, 'Inviting Common to the White House lacked class and decency,' and that's why her children are only allowed to make babies while listening to country music." –Bill Maher




"Newt Gingrich made it official: he's in. Not in the presidential race -- in a trivia book called 'Whatever Happened to Last Century's Biggest A**holes?'" –Bill Maher




"They say the key to Newt Gingrich's campaign is going to be his third wife, Callista, who used to be the mistress. For six years while he was married to his second wife, she blew him in the car. The theme of their campaign: values. I'm not kidding. Values, also floor mats and wet wipes." –Bill Maher




John Hulse: The Best and Worst Job I Ever Had

Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it




"The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from Bin Laden's compound. It's probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles: 'Debby Does Abbottabad,' 'Deep Goat,' 'Bare Ankles 4,' and '2 Humps, 1 Camel.'" –Jimmy Fallon 




"Another Republican is about to announce he is running for president. Newt Gingrich is about to announce. Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, 'Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it.'" –Conan O'Brien 






John Hulse painting

Sunday, May 15, 2011

NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?



"President Obama was just ranked 108th in a new list from Golf Digest of the top 150 golfers in the political world. But I hear he's improving. Last week in Pakistan, he shot two holes in one." –Jimmy Fallon 




"A Republican Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." –Jay Leno 

"According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He's even willing to learn English." –Jay Leno




"When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, 'Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?'" –David Letterman





John Hulse photography


Osama bin Laden joining the cast of Two and a Half Men




"The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up." –Craig Ferguson 




"Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of 'Mamma Mia.' He briefly considered joining the cast of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson




"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson


John Hulse painting

That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago...




"President Obama's approval rating is at a two-year high in the wake of Osama bin Laden's death. If I were Obama, I'd fish bin Laden out of the ocean and kill him every Sunday." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Pakistan's Prime Minister is mad at us for going in and getting Osama bin Laden without giving him a heads up. He has the same right to get mad as a husband mad at his wife because she went into his e-mails and found out he'd been having an affair for 5 years ... with Osama bin Laden." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, 'That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

The same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham's breasts




"After 25 years Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating. She said, 'I'll give you 25 years to learn to speak English. If not, we're done.'" –Jimmy Kimmel




"Bristol Palin said she had corrective surgery to fix her jaw, not cosmetic surgery. She must have gone to the same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham's breasts." –Jimmy Kimmel


"Gaddafi hasn't been seen since April 30. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Nose job." –Jimmy Fallon


John Hulse painting

Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander




"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold's friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." –Conan O'Brien




"Newt Gingrich announced that he's running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube." –David Letterman




John Hulse painting

The right procedure on the wrong Palin



"Newt Gingrich is running for President. Every 6 months we'd have a different First Lady. Newt's slogan is, 'At least I'm not Trump.'" –Jay Leno 


"Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It's being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin." –Conan O'Brien 


"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien 





John Hulse painting

They’re like the Winklevoss twins of killing Osama



"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Maria cited irreconcilable differences. The translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold cited." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Sarah Palin is getting a lot of support from low-income Republicans. You know, like Todd Palin." –Jimmy Fallon




"Why are we listening to the Bush administration people [trying to take credit]? They didn’t get bin Laden. They’re like the Winklevoss twins of killing Osama." –Jon Stewart



John Hulse painting