Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Then he laughed for 10 minutes . . . shirtless.

"It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home." –Jay Leno 

"Russian President Vladimir Putin said he may seek a fourth term but that's up to the people to decide. Then he laughed for 10 minutes . . . shirtless." –Conan O'Brien 

Drug tests for food stamp recipients

"Under the bill they voted for, states now have to require food stamp recipients to be drug-tested and work at least 20 hours a week – the same thing I was going to suggest for congressional Republicans." –Bill Maher

"The video game Grand Theft Auto 5 made 800 million dollars in one day. People say Americans can't export on values anymore, this proves we can. Unfortunately, our values are car theft and mass shootings." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If House Republicans succeed in cutting $40 billion from the Food Stamp program, Congressman James Sensenbrenner has to go to a food bank and donate at least two of his chins." –Bill Maher

How about lighting yourself on fire?

"This is the 41st time that they have voted to repeal Obamacare. This is really not governing, this is more like a drinking game; every time they vote to defund, Boehner knocks back a Wild Turkey." –Bill Maher

"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. The wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface." –Bill Maher

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Arrested for showing up at a Cher concert

"Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia's anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert." –Jay Leno 

"You know, if I wanted to pick out one thing that best exemplifies our country's peculiar relationship with guns, it's that the phrase 'minor shooting incident' exists." –Jon Stewart on reports that the Navy Yard shooter was previously in involved in minor shooting incidents

705 people saw a woman in a bikini..

"That's right, 705 people saw a woman in a bikini and thought, 'Muslim Extremist.'" –Stephen Colbert, on the fake outrage over Indian-American Nina Davuluri being crowned Miss America, after it was reported there were 705 tweets that mentioned "Miss America terrorist"

"Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn't avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?" –Jimmy Fallon 

At least we hope that was his middle finger

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Anthony Weiner has to tell us how long he waited after he'd lost his election before he went back to jerking off with strangers online. Unless the answer is, 'What do you think I'm doing behind this podium right now?'" –Bill Maher

Kenyan boomerang

"It's not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They've even got some stored here in the U.S. It's called Monsanto." –Bill Maher

"It should be in the dictionary: 'Black-track,' the act of changing one's mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: 'Pulling a one-hatey,' or the 'Kenyan boomerang.'" –Bill Maher

Hopelessly black

"This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World." –Bill Maher on President Obama's position on Syria 

"The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing, of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing, now they're against it. Now there's a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with the diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black." –Bill Maher 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

There's your miracle..

"Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, 'not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him.' Yeah, and Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean right now because he enjoys scuba diving." –Jay Leno

"The Pope recently purchased a 30-year-old car. He's driving around Rome in a 30-year-old car. Can you imagine keeping a 30-year-old car on the road today? There's your miracle, you know what I'm saying?" –David Letterman

Girl band in a labor camp

"Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn't like. We don't think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing..

"Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional.' Then he said, 'Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Putin said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional' and said that, quote, 'God created us equal.' Then he got back to arresting people for being gay." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman has been hanging out again in North Korea. He just announced that he will train the North Korean basketball team for the Olympics. He's going to teach them the key strategy that always worked for him – pass the ball to Michael Jordan." –Jimmy Fallon

He had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people

"Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn't finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen." –Conan O'Brien

"Disturbing news for California. Californians have more unplanned pregnancies than any other state. Of course, keep in mind that California has many more NBA teams than any other state." –Conan O'Brien 


Saturday, September 14, 2013

and we send them Alex Rodriguez..

"The United States is going to make a deal with Russia and Syria. What could possibly go wrong? Here's the deal: Syria will turn over their stockpiled chemicals and we send them Alex Rodriguez." –David Letterman

"You know whose birthday it is? Evil Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, 48 years old today. It would be nice if he had a surprise birthday party from SEAL Team 6." –David Letterman

Everybody wins

"On his way to his concession speech last night, Anthony Weiner avoided the media by ducking into a McDonalds. Then he created a scene there by saying, 'Who wants to see a quarter-pounder with two McNuggets?'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Crisis averted. Now Congress suspends its vote on a military strike, the U.N. secures Assad's chemical stockpile, and the Syrian people can go back to being killed with conventional methods. Everybody wins." –Stephen Colbert

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Those weapons better not be gay

"Fox News opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence." –Jon Stewart

"If Christine Quinn wins the New York City mayoral race, she'll be the city's first lesbian mayor. Which is why her campaign slogan is, 'Christine Quinn: as far away from Weiner as you can get.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay." –Conan O'Brien 

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time..

"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?" –Jimmy Kimmel 

"We conservatives have an uncanny ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time. Syria conflict? Invade. Obamacare? Repeal. Soup or salad? Jelly beans." -- Stephen Colbert

dropping Miley Cyrus on Damascus

"Will Congress approve taking action in Syria? First they have to approve taking action in Congress." –Stephen Colbert

"While I was overseas, I couldn't really get much out of the news. From what I could make out, President Obama wanted to drop Miley Cyrus on Damascus." –Stephen Colbert

"Serena Williams won her 17th Grand Slam title at the U.S. Open. I haven't seen that many Grand Slams since Chris Christie went out to Denny's with me the other night." –Jimmy Fallon 

France wants to use sarcasm

"Did you see Vladimir Putin and President Obama shake hands today? They said something to each other. Of course, we don't know what they said, nobody does — except the NSA, the KGB, and Edward Snowden." –Jay Leno 

"Happy Rosh Hashanah. In honor of the Jewish new year, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the 16-ounce brisket." –David Letterman 

"All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don't agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm." –Craig  Ferguson

We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants

"While some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and potentially start a war, I say it's John McCain, the man is 114 years old, give him a break. We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that's what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it's time to bomb somebody." –Jay Leno 

How'd I lose $1,500 asking Cindy what's for dinner?

"John McCain was playing poker during a hearing. The worst part is that he didn't even know he was playing poker. He was just trying to text his wife. 'How'd I lose $1,500 asking Cindy what's for dinner?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Senator John McCain, during a Senate session on whether we're going to teach Syria a lesson, was caught playing online poker. I was stunned. John McCain knows how to use a computer? Really?" –David Letterman

Pretend you know what the government should do

"Senator John McCain is under fire for being caught playing poker on his smartphone during a Senate hearing on Syria. Even worse, it was strip poker." –Conan O'Brien

"You know what, Senator McCain? Go. There's a Rascal scooter and a bucket of quarters with your name on it over at the Golden Nugget. Instead of playing pretend poker in the actual Senate, go to an actual casino and pretend you know what the government should do." –Jon Stewart on McCain playing poker during a Senate hearing on Syria

Colin Powell's reputation

"The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago." –Stephen Colbert 

"You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can't even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell's reputation and half a test tube of crystal light." –Stephen Colbert

"John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that's not so bad, OK?" –Jay Leno 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

The dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff

"The attorney general of New York is now suing Donald Trump for $40 million claiming that Trump University is a fraud. I guess he got suspicious when he realized the dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff." –Jay Leno

"Anybody ever studied at Donald Trump University? The attorney general says it's a fraudulent operation. Here's all I know. It's the only college where you can actually major in condo flipping." –David Letterman

"The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago." –Stephen Colbert