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Thursday, June 30, 2011

A name synonymous with victory




"Chris Wallace at Fox News asked Michele Bachmann if she is a flake. I think that's an insult to the fine folks at Kellogg's." –David Letterman




"Michele Bachmann is kind of like Sarah Palin but without the charisma — or marksmanship." –Jimmy Kimmel






"Michele Bachmann didn't know John Wayne Gacy was from her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. The town is about the size of the Wayans family." –Jimmy Kimmel




"She announced her presidency from Waterloo -- a name synonymous with victory." –Stephen Colbert on Michele Bachmann’s Iowa campaign launch




John Hulse painting

That's a long time, even for a leprechaun



"Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Some of the counts Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun." –Jimmy Kimmel




"A senior al-Qaida leader was arrested in Afghanistan and he was disguised as a woman. Police became suspicious after he was seen stoning himself." –Conan O'Brien 




John Hulse painting

A sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives




"Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is 'Charles Manson in Charge.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives." –Conan O'Brien




"Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich's face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous." –Conan O'Brien





John Hulse painting

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

If I cared about...




"Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black neighborhoods and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied 'You first.'" –Bill Maher




"New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It's not their field. It's like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here's what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here's what they don't know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I'd join the Tea Party." –Bill Maher



John Hulse painting

Of course, she said the same thing about the movie 'Cars 2.'



"Speaking of Sarah Palin, this week, Palin tweeted that her daughter Bristol's new memoir is quote 'shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect.' Of course, she said the same thing about the movie 'Cars 2.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin's new book and she found it 'shocking.' When asked what was shocking, Palin said 'the fact I read a book.'" –Conan O'Brien




"A little information for the folks watching at home: Our entire studio audience tonight is all people who used to work for Newt Gingrich." –Jay Leno





Saturday, June 25, 2011

The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English



"Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, 'I don't need this, I'll just put it all on my Tiffany's credit card.'" –David Letterman 




“New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English." –David Letterman




"Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States. The idea was to drive around the country giving speeches in front of historical landmarks. Reportedly, she's back in Alaska at home, which is weird because it's not like her to quit something." –Jimmy Kimmel



Then things got awkward when he added, 'If you know what I mean.'



"Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: 'It turns out those places are nowhere near each other.'" –Conan O'Brien




"In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''" –Conan O'Brien




“Newt Gingrich bragged on his 3rd wife, saying, 'She plays the French horn.' Then things got awkward when he added, 'If you know what I mean.'” –Conan O'Brien



The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin



"John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.” -Jay Leno




"It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany's for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion." –Jay Leno




"More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything." –Jay Leno



It was just the Metamucil talking



"That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner." –Jay Leno




"Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” –Jay Leno




"Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked today. Now he's saying it was just the Metamucil talking." –Jay Leno



In his defense, there's not a lot to do in Idaho



"Idaho state senator and former Republican legislator of the year, John McGee, is charged with drunk driving and suspicion of felony grand theft after reportedly stealing an SUV with a 20-foot trailer attached to it. In his defense, there's not a lot to do in Idaho." –Jay Leno 




"John McCain says he is puzzled by the backlash to his comment that illegal immigrants are the cause of Arizona's wildfires. He said, 'Of course, I'm also puzzled by the defrost option on my microwave.'" –Conan O'Brien




"To no one's surprise, on the 'Today Show' this morning, John McCain said he will not be running in 2012, or walking for that matter. He's just going to get one of those Rascal scooters and drive around." –Jimmy Kimmel




He's not even president and he's already raising the unemployment rate



"A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall." –Jay Leno




"Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: 'Now hiring!' Sixteen of Gingrich's top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He's not even president and he's already raising the unemployment rate." –Jay Leno 




"Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand." –Jay Leno



Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien



"A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there's a 50/50 chance he'll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there's an 80/50 chance she'll run for president." –Conan O'Brien




"NBC has apologized for editing out the words 'under God' from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They're also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with 'Hail Satan.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien.'" –Conan O'Brien



So you still may be seeing pictures of a huge...



"I have to warn you. Newt Gingrich today put up a large Web ad. So you still may be seeing pictures of a huge dick." –Bill Maher




"Mitt Romney was sitting down with some unemployed workers the other day. Mitt is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, and he said, 'hey, I'm unemployed too.' That is the famous Mormon sense of humor. A little tip Mitt, your people are only funny when the 'South Park' guys write your jokes. " –Bill Maher




"New Rule: Stop comparing Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann just because they're both Republican women. And crazy. And know-nothings. And Jesus freaks, who claim to receive messages from God. Who both get their historical facts wrong all the time. Who both give off a sound that only animals can hear and makes microwaves explode. Seriously, stop comparing them." –Bill Maher

Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden



"Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden." –Jay Leno


"According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him." –Conan O'Brien




"A recent study found that today's fathers spend twice as much time with their kids as fathers in 1960. Meanwhile, the study found that Arnold Schwarzenegger spends time with twice as many kids as he did three weeks ago." –Jimmy Fallon



Sarah Palin's favorite movie was 'Steel Mongolians.'




"Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?" –Jay Leno




"Well, several congressmen have filed a lawsuit against President Obama for getting us involved in Libya. They claim Obama got the U.S. in a Middle East war without authorization from Congress. To which Dick Cheney and Bush said, 'You can get sued for that?'" –Jay Leno




"President Obama met with the president of Mongolia. Of course, Sarah Palin had to chime in, saying her favorite movie was 'Steel Mongolians.'" –Jay Leno



John Hulse photography

Saturday, June 18, 2011

She obviously has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco



"A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%." –Conan O'Brien

"Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco." –Conan O'Brien




"Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922




"It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word 'potato,' thus paving the way for Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno




"According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922." –Jay Leno 




"A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse photography

Thursday, June 16, 2011

He gave her a $200,000 gift certificate for Tiffany's



"Happy Birthday to Donald Trump, who was born 65 years ago today! It was sweet. Today Obama sent him a nice Hallmark card that said, 'Prove it.'" –Jimmy Fallon


"Donald Trump is 65 today. Had a big party. He likes to play Pin Everything on Obama." –David Letterman




"Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann at the Republican debate that he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate for Tiffany's." –David Letterman




John Hulse photography

Imagine if you did that in a job interview?



"The first Republican presidential debate was held on Monday night. Seven Republican presidential candidates got together to agree on how much they dislike the government they would like to run. Imagine if you did that in a job interview." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Mitt Romney is the front runner at this point, mostly because he looks like the guy they would cast as the president in a disaster movie." –Jimmy Kimmel 




"Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 65, allegedly. We still haven't seen the birth certificate so we don't know for sure." –Jimmy Kimmel



After serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit



"Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit." –Conan O'Brien




"During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, 'Wait, there's pizza?'" –Conan O'Brien




"Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said 'cool.' It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme." –Jay Leno




John Hulse painting

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Behind every great woman, there's a snowmobile racer


"According to a new study, male politicians run for office to be somebody, while female politicians run to do something. The study has a margin of error of plus or minus Sarah Palin." –Conan O'Brien




"According to reports, Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk." –Jimmy Fallon




"According to recently released emails, Sarah Palin relied on her husband, Todd, quite frequently for policy advice. You know what they say: Behind every great woman, there's a snowmobile racer." –Jimmy Kimmel





John Hulse painting

I'll win them back with my fourth wife



"TMZ published a photo of Anthony Weiner in the congressional gym. When he heard about it, Newt Gingrich said, 'There's a congressional gym?'" –Conan O'Brien




"Most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt's third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, 'I'll win them back with my fourth wife.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago." –Conan O'Brien




John Hulse painting

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

What am I, the idiot whisperer?



"I feel bad for Sarah Palin. She heard all the alarms and sirens and she figured the British were coming." –Bill Maher




"People keep asking me if Sarah Palin is running for President. How the f*** do I know? What am I, the idiot whisperer?" –Bill Maher 




"We don't even need Sarah Palin for comedy in this presidential election because yesterday Newt Gingrich got fired by his own campaign. Did you see this? His entire staff quite en masse because they had a little disagreement about strategy. You see, Newt entered the race three weeks ago, and then his staff got mad at him because he spent the last two weeks campaigning in the wrong country. The last two weeks he's been on a yacht touring the Greek Island, stopping only at Tiffany's on his mission to warn America that Obama is an elitist." –Bill Maher



Sarah Palin moved to Arizona, and then the state burst into flames



"Delta Airlines charged our soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 excess baggage fees. Delta's new slogan: 'Screwing over the people who defend our right to screw you over.'" –Jay Leno




"Donald Duck & Donald Trump are very different of course. One’s a noisy cartoon character with a feathery a** and the other one’s Donald Duck." –Craig Ferguson




"There a giant fire burning in Arizona, the biggest fire ever in the history of the state. I'm not saying these two things are connected, but a few weeks ago Sarah Palin moved to Arizona, and then the state burst into flames." –Bill Maher 




He said it's a total housekeeper magnet




"Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it's a total housekeeper magnet." –Conan O'Brien 




"Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who's made it clear she won't meet with her. Palin went, 'Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?'" –Jay Leno


"The Chairman of the Republican Party Ed Cox said that he would use the incriminating pictures from Anthony Weiner to defeat him. So now we have Cox versus Weiner. This just doesn't stop!" –Jay Leno


John Hulse photography

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain!


"Delta Airlines has a new slogan, 'Come fly the greedy skies.' This is unbelievable; Delta Airlines is in trouble now after they charged our U.S. soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 because they had extra baggage. If the TSA isn't grabbing your ass, delta's grabbing your wallet. It's unbelievable." –Jay Leno




"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, 'Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"A woman in Florida called 911 after she found a bear swimming in her backyard pool. That's right, there was a bear in the water. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'soup.'" –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

His lovely nieces, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Gadhafi



"Happy birthday to Moammar Gadhafi who is 60 years old. He had a big party and was visited by his lovely nieces, Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Gadhafi." –David Letterman




"Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, 'So it looks like they do want to start a family.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that's what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting 


What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?



"Donald Trump and Sarah Palin met and had pizza together in New York City last week. There was one embarrassing moment — when the waitress asked Donald if he wanted extra topping and he said, 'No, my hair is fine.'" –Jay Leno




"When the economy is bad, it means budget cuts and teacher layoffs. That means the next generation won't even know as much about American history as Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno




"Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere, and today she made it worse. She said, 'What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?'" –Jay Leno


John Hulse painting

An American drone? Isn't that Mitt Romney?


"That’s right, Michelle Obama is taking Sasha and Malia to South Africa and Botswana and Sarah Palin was like, 'Wow, they’re going to all the places Paul Revere went.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"It’s the anniversary of D-Day. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, the day that Paul Revere warned the Americans that the Danish were coming." –Jay Leno


"Osama bin Laden's successor was taken out by an American drone. An American drone? Isn't that Mitt Romney?" –David Letterman



John Hulse painting

And also because it was sent to a woman...




"Mitt Romney started to stick it to Obama right away. He said, 'We are only inches away from ceasing to be a free market economy.' What?! If he’s going to lie this hard on day one, what’s he going to say in six months? Obama is kidnapping our white women and feeding them to King Kong." –Bill Maher, on Mitt Romney's presidential campaign announcement




"Mitt Romney wanted to get the maximum exposure for his (presidential) announcement so he made it in Anthony Weiner's underpants." –Bill Maher




"Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman." –Bill Maher




"Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school." –Bill Maher, on Sarah Palin's botched explanation of Paul Revere's midnight ride



Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart




"Mitt Romney has announced he's running for president in 2012. At the same time, he's announced he'll try again in 2016." –Stephen Colbert




"From bin Laden's compound we now know Al Qaeda demanded that its agents keep complete records and receipts for all expenses. No doubt using Al Quicken. Also, Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart, although at Wal-Mart you get to use your vests more than once." –Stephen Colbert




"The Republicans blocked the bill to raise the debt ceiling that was so devious it was actually introduced by Republicans. [Actual quote from Republican Congressman] "This vote, based on a bill I introduced, must fail." That reminds me of Patrick Henry's famous cry: "Give me liberty and I don't want liberty." And before the vote Republicans called Wall Street Executives to assure them the vote was just for show." –Stephen Colbert


John Hulse photography

Just like Gettysburg, it’s a site where many, many lives were cut short (haunted amusement parks?)



"Has anyone ever stopped to consider the possibility that Sarah Palin and her family are driving from town to town solving mysteries and unmasking monsters in haunted amusement parks?" –Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin's bus tour


"Of course, the point of her 'One Nation Tour' is to highlight America’s historic landmarks. So far she stopped at the National Archives, Gettysburg, Independence Hall, and yesterday she joined Donald Trump at one of New York’s historic monuments, the Times Square Applebee’s, a landmark as steeped in history as it is steeped in chipotle mayonnaise. Just like Gettysburg, it’s a site where many, many lives were cut short." –Stephen Colbert on Sarah Palin’s bus tour
"Of course, the 'lame stream media' ambushed Palin with gotcha questions like, 'Where are you going?' and, 'Why are you doing this?'" –Stephen Colbert on Sarah Palin's bus tour 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”



Thursday, June 2, 2011

Imagine how mad he’d be if she won



"Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump in New York. The first thing she did when she walked into the restaurant was shoot the rodent off his head." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Somebody asked John McCain if Sarah Palin could win the presidency, and he said yes, especially if a meteor hits all the other Republican and Democratic candidates. Imagine how mad he’d be if she won." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off." –Jimmy Kimmel 



John Hulse painting

The greatest gift ever given to comedy


"Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn't have a title yet, Might I suggest a few. 'How to Shoot Friends and Influence People,' 'A Dick for All Seasons,' 'Torture in the Rye'..." –Craig Ferguson



"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." –Craig Ferguson




"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. They spent the meeting talking about the thing most important to them: TV ratings." –Craig Ferguson




John Hulse painting

Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house



"The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'" –Conan O'Brien


"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon 




"Bristol Palin said she doesn't plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, 'But that never stopped me before.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

God has picked us up for another 22 weeks


"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid." –Jay Leno



"Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks." –Jay Leno
 



"Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore." –Jay Leno



"The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars." –Jay Leno



A good way for her to learn the names of all the states



"Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end?" –Jay Leno




"This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno




"I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question." –Jay Leno