I’m not sure what’s scarier (the sketch artists are running out of orange pastels)

Former President Donald Trump attended a court hearing in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday. Trump spends so much time in court, the sketch artists are running out of orange pastels. —Jimmy Kimmel

“A man in Portland recently found a working iPhone along the side of a road that is believed to have been onboard the Alaskan Airlines plane that had a door plug blow off mid-flight. And, honestly, I’m not sure what’s scarier: having the door blow off your plane, or losing your phone.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That means you have just 100 days to pretend you understand curling (a tie that was made in America)

A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet. –Jimmy Fallon

The Winter Olympics are just 100 days away! That means you have just 100 days to pretend you understand curling. –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll finds that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a statistical tie just a week from Election Day. But on the bright side, at least Trump’s finally in a tie that was made in America. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, that's my campaign slogan (he will do everything he can to knock them up)

"Apple announced the iPhone 6 today, which they say has a more durable screen that won't crack or scratch as easily. Or as your kids put it, 'Challenge accepted!' Apple promised less cracking. Then Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, 'Hey, that's my campaign slogan.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Football started tonight with the Denver Broncos playing their first game since Peyton Manning retired. Trevor Siemian took his place and before kickoff, Peyton put his arm around Trevor's shoulder, looked into his eyes and said, "You know, starting today, you can get two medium Papa John's pizzas for $6." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, hell, where did I leave that baby? (Siri is now asking to be addressed as Steve)

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump. —Conan O’Brien

iPhone users are reporting that Siri will correct them if they try to say Bruce Jenner instead of Caitlyn. In a related story, Siri is now asking to be addressed as Steve. —Conan O’Brien

"This is weird. In a recent interview, Levi Johnston said that Sarah Palin could never handle the responsibility of being president. Then he said, 'Oh, hell, where did I leave that baby?'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Experts are already calling it the World’s Most Expensive 'No.' (Bout to split this sea)

"Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us." –Conan O'Brien

"A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World’s Most Expensive 'No.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today is the 20-year anniversary of the Tiananmen Square protest. Yeah, yeah. Or, as the Chinese government refers to it, 'Nothing Happened Day.'' --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses (he'll fit right in)

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno

"You people sound like you're all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, imagine living in a country that would do such a thing (The guy's been up since 2004)

"A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have

used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have

MADE a smartphone." –Conan O'Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

"After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he's taking a leave of absence, and of course he's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, whichever one of those is best for me legally, just put that down (it's just what his iPhone autocorrects to when he types "Hello")

President Trump tweeted today "There was no collusion. It is a hoax, and there is no obstruction of justice. That is a setup and trap." But it's not Trump's fault he tweeted that, it's just what his iPhone autocorrects to when he types "Hello." --Seth Meyers

If you want to make it easier on yourself, just ask Donald Trump one question, and he'll give you 49 different answers. "I did — I did meet with him, but I also didn't. So, whichever one of those is best for me legally, just put that down." --Seth Meyers

President Trump said yesterday he is seriously thinking of creating a sixth branch of the military called the "Space Force." They'll patrol the distant reaches between him and Melania. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, maybe if you mowed lawns over the summer like I told you, you could afford that new kidney that you wanted (More power to the arm)

This is already making a little bit of controversy. Jason Chaffetz says poor people need to choose between healthcare or a new iPhone. And just like a Samsung Galaxy 7, that comment blew up in his face. Did I hear him correctly? Is he saying health insurance costs the same as a phone? Hey Jason, a phone isn’t supposed to literally cost you an arm and a leg. His comment was cold. Even Siri was like, “Are you not a human being?” But the real problem is he’s talking to the American people like he’s talking to his own kids. “Well, maybe if you mowed lawns over the summer like I told you, you could afford that new kidney that you wanted.” –James Corden

Senators in Rhode Island are proposing a new bill that would charge residents a one-time fee of $20 to access online pornography. State budget experts say this new porn bill could be profitable. They say it could generate roughly $13 gazillion. --James Corden

“Joe Biden’s a front-runner now, but it can’t be a great sign that his number one constituency is people who don’t want to see or hear from Joe Biden. Basically all Joe Biden has to do is lay low in South America for the next eight months — he’ll beat Trump in a landslide.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Once you download this app, your phone is no longer a smartphone (Task Failed Successfully)

President Obama said he believes Mr. Trump will not be president because the American people “recognize that being president is a serious job. It's not hosting a talk show." Maybe I don't get to do “serious” stuff like pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving but I'll tell you something, Mr. Obama: Every minute of every day I'm thinking about how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon. –Jimmy Kimmel

Kendall and Kylie Jenner released a new iPhone app where it lets you enter the "glamorous and exciting world of Kendall and Kylie Jenner," another way of saying “stare at your phone for hours.” Once you download this app, your phone is no longer a smartphone. –Jimmy Kimmel

A lot of people aren’t getting the tax refunds they were expecting. Most people thought the big Trump Tax Cut was going to cut taxes. The reason it was called the Trump Tax Cuts is that it cuts taxes for Trump. The average refund is down by 8% across the board. Many of those who voted for Trump came up with a hashtag GOPTaxScam. Some people are saying their refunds are so tiny, they even fit in Donald Trump’s hand. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For a while, I was their prime suspect (Gluten-Free Biscotti Monster)

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

A Chinese investment firm has bought the company behind the Batman movies. Which explains why in the next Batman movie, a young Bruce Wayne sees his parents killed, then goes back to making iPhones at the factory. –Conan O’Brien

The set of "Sesame Street" just got a major upgrade, and now Elmo lives in a brownstone apartment. And in another upscale move, Cookie Monster has been replaced by the Gluten-Free Biscotti Monster. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nothing to worry about. If Joe had access, it wasn't important (It's the first thing they see)

January 2023

“President Biden's lawyers were cleaning out one of his old offices from before he was president. And you're not gonna believe this, but they found that Biden had 10 classified documents. The documents found were from Biden's time as vice president. Today, Obama was like, ‘Nothing to worry about. If Joe had access, it wasn't important.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Speaking of the White House, the Biden administration is considering a nationwide ban on gas stoves, which has been linked to health problems. Today, Americans were like, ‘Better play it safe and order a Baconator from Door Dash.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, gas stoves could be banned soon. The best way to heat something up will be to open three apps on your iPhone at once then use it as a hot plate.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story, Siri is now asking to be addressed as Steve (Oh, hell, where did I leave that baby?)

A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” just joined SEAL Team 6. –Conan O’Brien

iPhone users are reporting that Siri will correct them if they try to say Bruce Jenner instead of Caitlyn. In a related story, Siri is now asking to be addressed as Steve. —Conan O’Brien

According to a poll that just came out, Donald Trump is getting zero percent of the black vote in some states. Trump said, "Don’t worry, by the time the election comes around I will double that.” –Conan O’Brien

"This is weird. In a recent interview, Levi Johnston said that Sarah Palin could never handle the responsibility of being president. Then he said, 'Oh, hell, where did I leave that baby?'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you order now, I’ll throw in that chair Abraham Lincoln is sitting on (U Up?)

June 2022

“The January 6th hearings continued on Tuesday, where reports of former President Trump’s attempt to flip the outcome of the election with state officials took center stage. One of the people Trump depended on most in the pressure campaign was Rudy Giuliani, his personal lawyer and final boss in a Resident Evil game. Unfortunately, it seemed like no one wanted to take Rudy’s calls. Yeah, Rudy made so many unanswered calls, the iPhone started labeling him as spam.” —Trevor Noah

“Can we acknowledge what a fall this has been, huh? This man went from being an American hero to now sounding like a telemarketer selling a coup: [imitating Giuliani] ‘If you order now, I’ll throw in that chair Abraham Lincoln is sitting on.’” —Trevor Noah

“And you know, this is another example of how historic President Trump really was. Any other time in U.S. history, if the president’s lawyer called someone, they would take that call. But when Trump’s vampire lawyer called people, everyone was, like, ‘Tell him I’m not here! Yeah, tell him I went camping and died!’” —Trevor Noah

“Also, not that I’m encouraging it, because I’m not, but if you are going to try to overturn an election, maybe don’t leave voice mails? It’s a paper trail. Also it’s 2022 — text! Who leaves voice mails? You realize how thirsty you’re coming off? ‘Hey, it’s me again.’ Come on, Rudy, just hit ’em with a quick late-night ‘U Up? For subverting democracy? Eggplant emoji, red hat emoji, vampire emoji.’ Come on, Rudy, keep up with the times!” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses (Sleep with one eye open, dear)

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno

"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"In what has become standard procedure in these kind of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet. Ted Kennedy was out on the ledge naked." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days (Or as Kanye West calls it, March)

There's an easier way to get four days off to watch basketball. You can just say you got a vasectomy, you don't actually have to do it! Your boss isn't going to ask you, “OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days." –James Corden

Adult film star Stormy Daniels is back and this time she's suing Trump claiming that a 2016 hush agreement preventing her from discussing their affair is invalid because, get this, Trump never signed it. This is amazing, mostly because it's the first time Trump has ever not put his name on something. --James Corden

A vasectomy is not something you want to get at the busiest time of the year. It's not an iPhone. It's an unnecessary surgery on the most delicate part of your body. You know if they screw it up, there's no amount of basketball games that's going to make it OK. One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four. –James Corden

But we're not just tired today, we're also distracted because the NCAA College Basketball Championship bracket is set. Yes, it's time for March Madness! Or as Kanye West calls it, March. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it sounds like a Transformer who can’t smell or taste (I killed a man in line for this thing!)

November 2021

“There is a new Covid variant called Omicron and it has a disturbingly high number of mutations, which make it potentially more dangerous than the others. Yes, it’s all the greatest hits in one place, like if ‘Mamma Mia’ killed you instead of teaching you about the power of love.” —Trevor Noah

“I mean, how did that happen after everything we did? I mean, for two years now, people, we wore masks for some of the time, we social distanced when it was convenient, then like half of us got vaccinated — what more is it gonna take?” —Trevor Noah

“And it could be that all of these mutations that sound so scary turn out to be not that big a deal, you know? Like when Apple acts like it is making tons of changes to the iPhone and we’re like, ‘I need a new iPhone! I need a new iPhone!’ and you get it and you’re like, ‘Wait — it’s just a slightly different camera? I killed a man in line for this thing!’” —Trevor Noah

“Omicron — it sounds like a Transformer who can’t smell or taste.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don't care (They don't have any geniuses)

October 2013

"It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn't doing anything." –Jay Leno 

"This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: 'You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don't care.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here's the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn't shut down, but ours has." –Jay Leno 

"Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don't have any geniuses." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it was great news for Carlos Danger (We did WHAT?)

September 2013

"You know, while losing the election was bad news for Anthony Weiner, it was great news for Carlos Danger. Carlos just opened four new dating accounts." –Jimmy Kimmel

"When it was all over and Anthony Weiner was driving away, apparently he gave reporters the middle finger. A class act all the way through, that guy. Of course, when he flipped off a bunch of strangers, New York was like, 'Hey maybe he is the right guy for me!' I like that guy!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Since marijuana is now legal in Colorado they have to tax it like anything else, and this got people upset. This week, activists in Colorado were handing out free marijuana to protest the high taxes. Then later the pot activists were like, 'We did WHAT?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If Obama really wanted to sell us on Syria, he should have taken a page from the people selling us Siri. Pushing an iPhone and a war are a lot alike. You just say that the new one is smaller, cheaper and faster and people will buy it. Even though they've already got one and they're still paying off the previous model." –Stephen Colbert

"Crisis averted. Now Congress suspends its vote on a military strike, the U.N. secures Assad's chemical stockpile, and the Syrian people can go back to being killed with conventional methods. Everybody wins." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So kind of a bad news, good news day (as far away from Weiner as you can get)

September 2013

"Fox News opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence." –Jon Stewart 

"Today was the primary election for New York City mayor, and the new and improved iPhone came out. So kind of a bad news, good news day for Anthony Weiner." –Conan O'Brien

"If Christine Quinn wins the New York City mayoral race, she'll be the city's first lesbian mayor. Which is why her campaign slogan is, 'Christine Quinn: as far away from Weiner as you can get.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”