Sunday, November 24, 2013

The most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto

"Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto." –Jay Leno

"Toronto's city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford's powers. They say this reduces him to a 'mere figurehead' – which still sounds better than 'crackhead.'" –Jay Leno 

"To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto." –Jay Leno

Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline

"Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I would be worried about." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left." –Jay Leno 

"There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline." –David Letterman

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

How can I get Canadian TV?

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted he smoked crack while he was in office, but he's refusing to step down. Despite all this, he's announced that he'll be hosting a TV show with his brother in Canada. It raises a lot of questions, starting with, 'How can I get Canadian TV?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Rob Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it." –Jimmy Fallon

Stop attacking my integrity!

Toronto City Council yesterday stripped him of his powers – whatever they are besides staying fat while smoking crack – because they found out that he was at a party recently where he did cocaine, vodka, OxyContin and apparently was cavorting with a prostitute. Rob Ford, always defiant said 'Stop attacking my integrity! Anybody who knows me will tell you I am too s***faced to get it up.'" –Bill Maher

"It's another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. More skeletons? I hope they're just old chicken wings he threw in there." –Craig Ferguson

You're doing a heck of a job

"Obamacare was trying to protect these people who are being ripped off by insurance companies. But, yesterday, Obama said, 'Okay, you know what? You want your sh*tty, crummy plans? You can have them!' You want your policy where you go in for an operation and you're covered for when they cut you open, but not when they sew you up? Fine, children, have your broken piece of glass that you want to play with!'" –Bill Maher

"The New York Times is calling this Obama's Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, brownie.'" –Bill Maher


The idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane

"According to a new poll, 52 percent of Americans describe President Obama as 'not honest.' That makes him by far the most honest politician in American history." –Jay Leno

"For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot of like sex. You do it online, it's incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann claims that she has lost her healthcare plan. She said, 'I have a husband with very significant health issues.' She said, 'At some point we're going to have to figure it out.' Girlfriend, there's a lot about your husband you're going to have to figure out. Healthcare is the last of your worries." –Bill Maher

The most viewed profile on Christian Mingle

"A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle." –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has provided me with so much entertainment this week that I feel like I should pay him a subscription fee. He's like your drunk uncle who is fun but you're just getting old enough to realize why your parents never let him take you anywhere by himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

Now there's a health plan we can all get behind

"A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. That's great if you're dating the governor of New Jersey." –David Letterman

"On Monday, President Obama paid tribute to America's oldest living veteran, 107-year-old Richard Overton. Overton credits his longevity to drinking whiskey and smoking 12 cigars every day. Now there's a health plan we can all get behind." –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Senate's immigration bill is so long that nobody has even read it. It's always good to hear the Senate is taking the same approach on legislation that I take with the iTunes user agreement." –Jimmy Fallon

If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us

"The U.S. intelligence community is hoping to update their facial recognition technology. It's the government's way of trying to keep up with Bruce Jenner." –Conan O'Brien

"It seems that during his re-election campaign this year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie paid $46,000 to get advice from former strategists for Mitt Romney. The advice he got: 'If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us.'" –Jay Leno

"Today a reporter asked Chris Christie, 'What do you think of 2016?' And Christie said, 'I think it's a good weight to get down to.'" –Jay Leno

Too ignorant for Alabama?

"In Alabama, the Tea Party candidate named Dean Young, who wanted to impeach Obama and compared gay people to animals, he lost to a potty-trained Republican. Boy, that is something for your resume – Dean Young: too ignorant for Alabama." –Bill Maher

"In a new interview today, Sarah Palin refused to endorse Chris Christie. Afterward, Christie told Palin, 'Thanks, I owe you one.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It is Veterans Day. A 107-year-old veteran met with President Obama this morning. It was good to see the president finally getting along so well with John McCain." –Conan O'Brien

That's all I need to know about marriage

"Is it possible that America may be coming to its senses a little? That may be the message from these elections we had on Tuesday because Chris Christie, the big winner, is from the not-nuthouse wing of the party – you know, he's an indoor Republican. And the two bats**t Tea Party people lost pretty bad. In Virginia, their candidate for governor, Ken Cuccinelli went down, which is ironic because he was trying to make oral sex illegal. I'm not making that up. He wanted to make abortion impossible, ban gay marriage, and reinstate the sodomy laws against oral and anal sex. Why? Because it's a Republicans' job to get government out of our lives." –Bill Maher

"Outlaw sodomy? Does this guy realize that for most people under 30, sodomy is the main form of birth control. What a platform. He wanted to outlaw blow jobs, and he lost single women in the state by 43 points. But listen to this, he won married women by 9. That's all I need to know about marriage." –Bill Maher

How dare you say I'm a crackhead

"Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, 'The Elephant in the Room.' And People magazine named him 'Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit.'" –Bill Maher

"Now that Americans have gotten a good long look at what's going on with the mayor of Toronto, at least our fat f**k isn't on crack. Have you seen this guy in Toronto on the news? You gotta love a guy whose excuse is, 'Yeah, I don't really remember smoking crack because I was in a drunken stupor. How dare you say I'm a crackhead, I'm a blackout drunk.'" –Bill Maher

How do you keep it so high?

"As I'm sure you're heard by now, the mayor of Toronto, a man named Rob Ford, has admitted to smoking crack cocaine. People should have seen this coming. There were signs, like his campaign slogan: 'Just say yes.'" –Jay Leno

"Russian President Vladimir Putin will travel to the Vatican this month to hold talks with Pope Francis. The Pope even offered to hear Putin's confession — or as Putin calls it, 'bragging.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's approval rating is now down to 39 percent. To which Congress said, how do you keep it so high?'" –Jay Leno

Between a Rock and a Lard Place

"The new mayor is married to a woman who used to be a lesbian. His campaign slogan: 'If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor last night. We like him. He's a good guy. Christie said he couldn't have done it without his biggest supporter – and then his belt said, 'Happy to help, man.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People are criticizing the latest issue of Time magazine. They've got Chris Christie on the cover with a silhouette and the headline, 'The Elephant in the Room.' But in their defense, I think they chose the least offensive title. Here's the other ones they had: 'Chris Christie Have a Whale of a Time.' I didn't like that one. 'Between a Rock and a Lard Place.' Yeah, that's not good. And 'Hail to the Chef.'" –Jay Leno

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Put the oval in the Oval Office

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was re-elected by a huge margin. He gave a great speech last night. He said he learned a lot in the last four years – for example, that lap-band surgery doesn't always work." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he's got a new slogan: 'Put the oval in the Oval Office.'" –Jay Leno

"The new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. Or as Fox News reported, the apocalypse is upon us." –Conan O'Brien 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Try seeing a doctor under Ayatollah-Care

"Rand Paul, the senator from Kentucky, keeps getting into trouble. They say he actually plagiarized an entire section of his 2012 book, 'Government Bullies.' When asked for comment, Paul said, 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's now growing concern in Iran about the health of 74-year-old Ayatollah Khamenei, the country's supreme leader. He has a chronic illness. You think healthcare is bad in this country, try seeing a doctor under Ayatollah-Care. See how that works." –Jay Leno

Shaking hands and kissing bagels

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is hoping to win re-election tomorrow, and polls show that he's winning by a 19-point margin. Christie was really excited to hear that — but only because he thought someone said 'margarine.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Chris Christie has really worked hard on the campaign. I heard he spent all weekend shaking hands and kissing bagels." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rand Paul has been accused of cheating in three separate instances. When asked about the charges, Paul said, 'Four score and seven years ago...'" –Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

White lies

"The Republicans are saying this is the worst presidential lie ever. Yes, Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and got thousands of people killed and said the war would pay for itself, but remember people, those were white lies." –Bill Maher on President Obama's promise that all Americans who like their health insurance plans would be able to keep them

"Today 47 million of the poorest Americans had their food stamp benefits way reduced. This is the same day we launched our new stealth destroyer, the $3 billion USS Zumwalt. This is a ship that is nearly invisible, unlike the poor, who are completely invisible. I say if we're going to make ships that are invisible, why build them at all? Why not just tell the Iranians they're there?" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Before the Wall Street Journal publishes another editorial by health care ‘expert’ Suzanne Somers claiming Obamacare is a socialist Ponzi scheme, they have to find one person who actually lost weight using a Thighmaster. She sells a metal spring for thirty bucks and Obamacare’s a scam?" –Bill Maher