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Friday, December 23, 2011

Or as it's known in the Mormon community.... (ultimate gateway drug)



"When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'" –Jay Leno



"During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February." –Jay Leno



"Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug." –Conan O'Brien




http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #CollectedPoems #idiocracy23 #PartyThatLostItsWay #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans #WEGOTTHIS @BrandNewCongress @JusticeDemocrats @OurRevolution

TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants (It's the watch Cheney uses to hypnotize Bush)


"I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants." –David Letterman



"Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate." –David Letterman



"George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him." --David Letterman


http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's like Rick Perry at a debate (So I just call him 'Mittney')



"A movie called 'The Artist' got six nominations. It's a silent movie where people's mouths move but nothing comes out. It's like Rick Perry at a debate." –Craig Ferguson



"Mitt Romney said Newt Gingrich was too 'zany' to be president. Newt Gingrich responded by tossing confetti in the air, squeezing a car horn, and then spraying seltzer at Mitt Romney." –Craig Ferguson



"I don't have time to say Mitt and Romney, so I just call him 'Mittney.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich (Tim Tebow actually has a prayer)



"Last night Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. The difference? Tim Tebow actually has a prayer." –Jay Leno



"USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. " –Jay Leno



"Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That's when you know your campaign's in trouble. " –Jay Leno






http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


Rick Perry said, 'I am also not a fan of gay milk.' (no adultery' pledge)



"Newt Gingrich signed a 'no adultery' pledge.' Out of habit he signed it John Smith." –Jay Leno



"According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress." –Jay Leno 





"On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, 'I am also not a fan of gay milk.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Friday, December 16, 2011

Mitt Romney, Straight Out of Compton! (marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine)



"Mitt Romney has received criticism for using the campaign slogan “Keep America American” because that slogan was once used by the KKK. Now he is overcompensating because his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney, Straight Out of Compton.'" –Conan O'Brien





"Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party." –Jay Leno 



"Gary Busey said it's not that he doesn't like Newt Gingrich, but it was too soon for him to endorse anyone. He said as soon as a president is elected, he will let us know who he intends to vote for." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What does he think this is, one of his marriages? (Isn't Newt in favor of multiple wives?)



"Donald Trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up." –Jimmy Kimmel 



"Donald Trump. This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages?" –Jimmy Kimmel 



"A campaign staffer on the Newt Gingrich campaign was fired because he was making negative comments about Mormons. I thought, 'Wait a minute, isn't Newt in favor of multiple wives?'" –David Letterman



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


This is a classic case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing (Dumb & Dumber for Dummies)



"Rick Perry was interviewed in a library, and they placed special books that were kind of mean: "Runnin' Texas for Dummies," "Supreme Court for Dummies," "Dumb & Dumber for Dummies." –Jay Leno 

"An Alabama anti-gay politician has been leading a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples. This is a classic case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. But he was making money hand over fist." –Jay Leno



"Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that." –Conan O'Brien 



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man? (that's all I had in my pocket at the time)



"Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?" –Jay Leno



"Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, 'I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.'" –Conan O'Brien 



"Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know the difference between God and Newt Gingrich? (He has an Achilles head)


"Only two candidates have agreed to attend Donald Trump's Iowa debate. So Trump's either going to cancel or round out the field with Meat Loaf, Omarosa and Gary Busey." –Jay Leno



"You know the difference between God and Newt Gingrich? God doesn't think he's Newt Gingrich." –Jay Leno



"Rick Perry doesn't have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Newt endorsed by the voices in Glenn Beck's head



"I'm not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he'd do about the West Bank, he said he'd bring back free checking." –Jay Leno 




"According to a recent report by CBS sports, the average Major League baseball player now makes just over $3 million a year. Or as the Yankees like to call them, 'the 99 percenters.'" –Jay Leno


"More good news for Newt Gingrich. Earlier today, he was endorsed by the voices in Glenn Beck's head." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

Newt promised his next wife would be Jewish



"Here's what you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm already in hell." –Jon Stewart to Bill O’Reilly




"While speaking to a prominent group of Jewish Republicans, Newt Gingrich promised to support Israel, not give in to the Palestinians, and even promised his next wife would be Jewish." –Jay Leno


"Rick Perry gave three reasons for declining the Iowa debate later this month. First, he needs to concentrate on campaigning. Second, there are already two other debates scheduled for that week. And he forgot the third one." –Jimmy Kimmel 




John Hulse painting

Friday, December 9, 2011

His barber got the death penalty




"Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty." –David Letterman




"Blago got 5 years for corruption and 9 years for appearing on "Celebrity Apprentice.'" –David Letterman




"Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts." –David Letterman 






"Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters." –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse photography

The anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam



"Herman Cain, the Herminator, said 'I will not be silent, and I will not go away.' Then he shut up and left." –David Letterman




"I'm so excited, Christmas season is finally here. A new survey found that two of the most popular holiday songs are 'Jingle Bell Rock' and 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.' The LEAST popular Christmas song: 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Herman Cain.'" –Jimmy Fallon


"There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse photography

two guys, 6 wives, 0 chance...



"Cain says that he and his wife...everything is fine between them. Though it's not certain this wife still trusts him 100%. Like today Mrs. Cain called Michele Bachmann and asked if she could pray him gay. Does it work that way? Can you pray a guy gay?" –Jay Leno




"Former Vice President Dan Quayle...remember Dan? Potato with an 'e'? He has officially endorsed Mitt Romney. And today Romney said, 'Why are you rushing into this? Newt Gingrich is pretty good. Have you talked to him? That Rick Perry is a handsome...'" –Jay Leno




"Newt Gingrich met with Donald Trump yesterday. There's a good combination – two guys, 6 wives, 0 chance of either one of them ever becoming president of the United States." –Jay Leno




John Hulse photography

Cain thanked his supporters for their gullibility



"Herman Cain dropped out. Our writers and I were despondent. But sometimes when God closes a door He opens a window. And standing outside that window is a circus peanut wearing a badger. Donald Trump will moderate a Republican debate Dec. 27. Thank you, Jesus." –Jon Stewart




"Today Herman Cain again denied allegations of any sexual misconduct and thanked his supporters for their gullibility." –Jay Leno

"In a new interview at her lawyer's office, Herman Cain's mistress of the past 13 years, this woman Ginger White, said no one has offered to pay her any money for her story. But to be fair no one is buying Herman Cain's story either. I think that's fair." –Jay Leno




John Hulse photography

Thursday, December 8, 2011

1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it.



"Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time." –Jimmy Kimmel


"Now that he's back home Herman Cain's wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife." –Craig Ferguson


John Hulse painting

At least until his wife cools off...




"Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off." –David Letterman 




"Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he's launching a new website called TheCainSolution.com. Yeah, it's the only political website that makes you click an 'I'm Over 18' button to enter." –Jimmy Fallon 





I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives



"The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” –Stephen Colbert




"Herman Cain seemed to sense his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which is what led to Herman Cain saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician: 'I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie…'" –Jon Stewart 
 



"Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house." –Jay Leno 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

His wife's vote can be overruled by a simple majority of...



"A man in Ohio has been calling women posing as a doctor and asking intimate questions about how they give themselves breast exams. Then he ends with, 'Vote for Herman Cain.'" –Seth Meyers




"Herman Cain is scheduled to make a big announcement tomorrow. He says if his wife wants him to quit the race, he will quit the race. However, his wife's vote can be overruled by a simple majority of his mistresses." –Craig Ferguson 




"'Americas Most Wanted' used to be on FOX, but it was canceled because executives at FOX realized the show actually helped people." –Craig Ferguson




"I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he'll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi." –Jay Leno  




John Hulse photography

Give Herman Cain credit...



"Republican candidate Rick Perry is denying rumors that his top advisers are being demoted. Yep, Perry was like, ‘I want to make it clear that at no point in this campaign have I had any advisers.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"No one in the media is giving Herman Cain credit for having been faithful to the same mistress for 13 years." –Jimmy Kimmel 



"Herman Cain now says he's consulting with his family whether to stay in the race. Really? You think that's what he's discussing with his wife, about staying in the race? How about staying in the house?" –Jay Leno 




John Hulse photography

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Between his marriage, his mistresses and...



"Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign." –Jay Leno




"You know what we should do? We should set up Herman Cain with that woman with the pepper spray at Walmart. She'd slow him down." –Jay Leno


This new woman says the affair was consensual. I’d say things are looking up.” –Stephen Colbert on Herman Cain



"13 years!? That is an admirable commitment to the woman with whom you are violating your spousal commitment with." –Jon Stewart on Herman Cain 



John Hulse painting

But I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian



"A woman said she had an affair with Herman Cain that lasted 13 years. I don't know who the accuser is, but I think we can rule out Kim Kardashian." –Jimmy Fallon 




"Another woman has come forward. Herman Cain is starting to look like a black Tiger Woods." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Herman Cain is making news again. His poll numbers are down, but the number of women he's polling is up." –Jay Leno




"Herman Cain's latest accuser, a woman named Ginger White, said the affair with Herman Cain lasted for 13 years. She knew Herman Cain was married. Just as the other four women who accused him of sexual harassment, they knew Herman Cain was married. In fact, the only one who didn't realize Herman Cain was married was Herman Cain." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

I think she's number 9-9-9 now



"Another woman came forward with allegations about Herman Cain. I think she's number 9-9-9 now." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Herman Cain said he'd only drop out of the race if his wife is no longer behind him. His wife said she's always behind him, because there's never any room under him." –Conan O'Brien

 

"With Herman Cain we're up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say." –Stephen Colbert




"Herman Cain’s thirteen-year affair just proves you can carry on a stable relationship – two, counting your marriage." –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney



"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno




"A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress." –Jay Leno 




"Well, the inside talk is that Sarah Palin is going to endorse Newt Gingrich. If you think Newt is happy, you should see Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno 




"Mitt Romney admitted in People magazine that as a teenager he experimented with alcohol and cigarettes. He said at that age he could have gone either way...much like his political positions today." –Jay Leno




John Hulse painting

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle



"Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads." –Jimmy Fallon 




"Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us." –Jay Leno




"Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle." –Jay Leno 




John Hulse painting

In college he experimented with parting his hair to the left



"If you think that's bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left." –Jimmy Kimmel 




"The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn't talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza." –Jimmy Kimmel


"Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century." –David Letterman 




John Hulse painting

The lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet



"Herman Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon


"This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, 'I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet." –Jimmy Kimmel 




John Hulse painting

I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle



"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno




"I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, 'Well, if he's found guilty.'" –Jay Leno




"Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don't need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he's going to take that message across America to all 30 states." –Jimmy Fallon


John Hulse painting

I got you a very special package...



"The Republican candidates were asked to name their favorite movies. Ron Paul picked 'No Country for Old Men.' Rick Perry chose 'Clueless.' Michele Bachmann chose 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,' and Herman Cain chose 'Snatch.'" –Jay Leno




"Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday this month. I got you a very special package, mine." –Jimmy Fallon




"Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany's?" –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

Nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that



"Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he's the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing's for sure, nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that." –Jay Leno




"A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama's easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a 'gotcha' question. That's when you know things are bad: When you're attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media." –Jay Leno 




"The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up. I guess they figure, 'Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let's go down to 2 percent.'" –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting