I’m on my way!! (Ze robot vill hug you now)

Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Which is the most German reaction to that news. “Oh, you need a hug? Come here — let me build you a robot. Ze robot vill hug you now.” --Seth Meyers

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish this week. “I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class (The opposite of what America does)

Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for Covid, they had to kill more than 2,000 of the pets. OK, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class. —Michael Che

R. Kelly is facing a string of financial problems including unpaid child support. Although for R. Kelly, unpaid child support is also alimony. --Michael Che, SNL

NASA announced it is looking for people of diverse backgrounds to become astronauts for future missions to Mars. Good luck getting black people on a ship to a new world. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

They open you up to the possibility that everything you know is wrong (Well how do you like that)

“A school in Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in a school gym. ‘Well how do you like that,’ said the black man still in jail for stealing it.” —Michael Che

“Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex with the animal, but the man had no idea that the whole time he was actually chatting with a police horse.” —Michael Che

“A new album from R Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded, and it was not easy to remove his streams, said the maid who cleaned his couch.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

“I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly (Come with me, if you want to live)

The latest polls show Hillary Clinton now leads Donald Trump by 12 points nationally. I guess she's getting some traction from her new slogan, "Come with me, if you want to live." –Seth Meyers

Former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain said in a speech today that he feels Donald Trump is not a racist. Said Trump, "Thank you, Ben Carson." –Seth Meyers

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish this week. “I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Turns out it was just Sean Hannity (Supreme A***ole)

Donald Trump also had his second physical examination as president. Close call, during the rectal exam, this is serious, doctors thought they found something serious up there. Turns out it was just Sean Hannity. --Bill Maher

Boy what a day of scandals. R. Kelly today was indicted on ten counts of aggravated sexual abuse. Prosecutors say the evidence is so overwhelming he was named Archbishop of Philadelphia. --Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz already is calling Obama the 'Imperial President,' which he sees as a threat to his title, 'Supreme A***ole.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m glad I’m not that guy (We all assume he failed everything)

There are so many investigations swirling around Donald Trump right now that R. Kelly is like, “I’m glad I’m not that guy.” --Stephen Colbert

Last week Michael Cohen told congress that Trump ordered him to threaten his high school to never release his grades. What could he possibly be hiding? We all assume he failed everything. --Stephen Colbert

“The NBA suspended its season, for example, so congratulations to the New York Knicks, it’s the best thing to happen to them all year.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It seems like someone’s a little jealous that we took their precious dunk contest (What did they even do wrong?)

This week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving. Which brings us to Michael Che’s new segment: What did they even do wrong? —Colin Jost

A new report shows that New Jersey has the second worst roads in the country. While the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey. —Colin Jost

The National Brotherhood of Skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominately white. Huh, so it seems like someone’s a little jealous that we took their precious dunk contest. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic. (Cool. Now do deodorant.)

December 2022

“Raphael Warnock not defeated Herschel Walker in Georgia's Senate runoff race. I don’t think this is the last you’ll hear from Herschel Walker unless he’s your biological father.” —Michael Che

“With Raphael Warnock's win, Democrats in the Senate will no longer have to rely on vice president Kamala Harris for tie-breaking votes. Harris can now focus on her main priority. Waiting for a worse bike accident.” —Michael Che

“Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the termination of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.” —Michael Che

“A new album from R. Kelly was removed from streaming sights several hours after being uploaded. And it was not easy to remove his streams said the maid who cleans his couch.”  —Michael Che

“France announced that it will start providing free condoms for people between the ages of 18 and 25. Cool. Now do deodorant.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag (I’m glad I’m not that guy)

Donald Trump has a new phrase for all the possible upcoming investigations into his administration. Trump calls it “Presidential Harassment.” It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. --Stephen Colbert

There are so many investigations swirling around Donald Trump right now that R. Kelly is like, “I’m glad I’m not that guy.” --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday 16 states sued President Trump over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So we finally found someone to run against Putin in 2024 (when he got in, the bear said, "Just drive.")

Singer R. Kelly has come forward to defend Bill Cosby. So that ought to clear Bill's name! There we go! That was a call from Bill's lawyer that was one of those good news/bad news things. –Seth Meyers

A man in Australia reportedly returned to his car over the weekend to find a koala bear sitting in his back seat. Even weirder, when he got in, the bear said, "Just drive." --Seth Meyers

According to a new study, pandas have a natural ability to neutralize cyanide poison. So we finally found someone to run against Putin in 2024. --Seth Meyers

Russian President Vladimir Putin was elected yesterday to his fourth term in office. Putin handily beat his closest rival, a poisoned corpse. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They are planning to serve him with a job application (and in parentheses, Is A Myth)

October 2021

This week Instagram was down for an entire day, forcing many Instagram addicts to fill their time with Twitter, TikTok or hosting SNL. —Michael Che

Fox News turned 25 this week and they celebrated their birthday the same way I do by paying some white women to say some nasty stuff. —Michael Che

Harry Styles revealed that his 2019 song Watermelon Sugar is about the female orgasm. He also revealed the full title of the song is Watermelon Sugar, and in parentheses, (Is A Myth). —Michael Che

In the wake of R. Kelly’s sex trafficking conviction YouTube has removed two channels linked with the singer. One for his singing and the other about how to remove stains. —Michael Che

A statue of George Floyd that was on display in a New York City park has been defaced for the second time. People are searching for the suspect and are planning to serve him with a job application. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately hundreds of those pieces are just frozen Irishmen (the latest issue of Not Helping magazine)

October 2021

Lego has announced the release of its largest set ever, a 9,000 piece replica of the Titanic. Unfortunately hundreds of those pieces are just frozen Irishmen. —Colin Jost

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child fall into the gorilla enclosure, has agreed to a deal that temporarily raised the debt ceiling through early December. And at that point it will be almost Christmas and McConnell will be busy going around to Toys for Tots bins and gluing them shut. —Colin Jost

Yesterday President Biden issued a historic proclamation for Indigenous People’s Day. Biden made the announcement just moments after his staff talked him out of wearing the headdress. —Colin Jost

Indigenous People’s Day, by the way, will be observed simultaneously with Columbus Day. And this just in, Columbus Day has forced Indigenous People’s Day to move to a worse day. —Colin Jost

Bill Cosby said that he thinks R. Kelly got railroaded following the singers sex trafficking conviction. Cosby made the comments in the latest issue of Not Helping magazine. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

After all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place (Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy)

October 2021

Barack Obama is being criticized by Chicago residents who claim that his new presidential library will lead to gentrification. For me, it’s another painful reminder that Obama is half white. —Michael Che

This year marked the 50th anniversary of Disney World. To celebrate turning 50, Disney has opened a new ride. It’s called Mr. Goofy’s Wild Colonoscopy. —Michael Che

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week but won’t be sentenced until next May, after R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully negotiated one more school year. —Michael Che

In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict there is a growing movement online to force online streaming services to remove his music. After all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow! Crazy. How did that happen,” said a lonely farmer (Who’s his character witness? R. Kelly?)

You’re telling me the United States can’t figure out how to remove a crazy dictator? We’ve been practicing all over the world for 100 years. We’re kind of famous for it. That would be like Jamaica forgetting how to unwind. —Michael Che

Trump is so confident he’s going to win he’s using Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to represent him. Talk about credibility. Who’s his character witness? R. Kelly? —Michael Che

The US Navy has for the first time ever named an aircraft carrier in honor of an African-American sailor. And he must have been pretty brave joining the navy not knowing how to swim. I’m just kidding. The ship will be called the USS Guy From the Village People. —Michael Che

According to a new report, in 257 years, women around the world will be paid the same as men. So stop complaining. —Michael Che

A goat has been born in India, with a genetic deformity that makes it look like it has a human face. “Wow! Crazy. How did that happen,” said a lonely farmer. 

—Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If I wanted to go someplace cold and empty/just to liven things up!/the only way to get through a marriage

Oh no, New Hampshire is raising the marriage age from 13 to 16, won't somebody think of R. Kelly? --Lewis Black

But I'm glad they're raising the age! No one is mature enough to make a long term commitment at age 13. I know your bar mitzvah says you're a man, but that's just bull**** made up to get you some Xbox money. Teenagers should not get married. 13, 16, it doesn't matter, you still can't drink! And drinking is the only way to get through a marriage. --Lewis Black

Vermont is so desperate for people they are offering $10,000 to move there. Seriously, you're offering 10 grand to live in Vermont? What good is $10 000 in Vermont? That place is so dull I'll have to spend the 10 grand of cocaine just to liven things up! --Lewis Black

If I wanted to go someplace cold and empty, I could look in the mirror. --Lewis Black

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Especially because it conflicts with their middle school (The study’s goal was to end Ireland)

Lawyers for R. Kelly, who is being held without bail, are complaining
that the singer is only allowed to visit with one female at a time.
Especially because it conflicts with their middle school. --Colin Jost, SNL

A new study suggests that fathers to be should stop drinking alcohol six
months before trying to conceive a child. The study’s goal was to end
Ireland. --Colin Jost, SNL

A new study found cats bond with people like dogs do but they are too
aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat “Dad.” --Colin Jost, SNL

Two people in Michigan accidentally accessed the computer billboard along
a highway and changed a display to show a pornographic movie. As a result,
police say there were a record number of carjackings. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s like if right now R. Kelly wrote a book on baby-sitting (Said Trump, “Perfect.”)

It turns out that Donald Trump is not the financial genius that no one ever really thought he was. According to tax documents from 1985 to 1994 Donald Trump appears to have lost, quote, more money than any other American taxpayer. Now, I love that during the time he was losing a billion dollars he had the audacity to write a book about how great he was at business. It’s like if right now R. Kelly wrote a book on baby-sitting. --Colin Jost, SNL

President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about, launched in 1989 and lost $7 Million a month until it shut down in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than Spirit. --Michael Che, SNL

This week marked the first anniversary of Melania Trump’s Be Best anti-bullying campaign. And if you don’t think it’s going well, you’re a fat idiot who has no friends. --Colin Jost, SNL

President Trump welcomed the Boston Red Sox to the White House in honor of their World Series win. However, most of the team’s black players skipped the ceremony in protest. Said Trump, “Perfect.” --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh my God! Trump was born in Kenya! (I’m glad I’m not that guy)

Yesterday, the Washington Post reported more details about how far Trump went to make sure his academic record stayed hidden. At his high school the New York Military Academy. Yes, Military. Evidently, when Trump was a teenager, his bones hadn’t spurred yet. He was a late spurrer. --Stephen Colbert

President Trump’s efforts to bury his student records came just days after Trump challenged President Barack Obama to “show his records” to prove that Obama had been a “terrible student.” This happens over and over again. Everything Trump accuses other people of, he’s guilty of himself. Oh my God! Trump was born in Kenya! That’s the only answer. --Stephen Colbert

Trump’s summit in Vietnam with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has obviously failed. And Trump is clearly being had by Kim, because despite assurances at the summit by Kim, new satellite images show that just days after the collapse of the summit, North Korea was rebuilding a satellite rocket launchpad and and engine test site, including a rail mounted transfer building, two support cranes, and walls that are even taller than the previous structure. That’s embarrassing for Trump. Kim actually built a wall. --Stephen Colbert

There are so many investigations swirling around Donald Trump right now that R. Kelly is like, “I’m glad I’m not that guy.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s the lingerie that’ll have your man saying, “Not tonight.” (His unpaid child support is also alimony)

Baseball star Bryce Harper signed a $330 Million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies, finally answering the question, how much would you have to pay someone to live in Philadelphia? --Colin Jost, SNL

In an effort to compete with Victoria’s Secret, Target has launched a new bra and underwear brand for women. It’s the lingerie that’ll have your man saying, “Not tonight.” --Colin Jost, SNL

Police in New York arrested a man who faked his own abduction and robbery to avoid paying the 50 grand he owed in a Super Bowl pool. Worse, the man just lost his job on “Empire.” --Colin Jost, SNL

R. Kelly is facing a string of financial problems including unpaid child support. Although for R. Kelly, unpaid child support is also alimony. --Michael Che, SNL

Two people in Alabama were arrested after getting into a fight at a restaurant over crab legs at a buffet. Which is coincidentally the image on the Alabama state flag. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Don't beat yourself up/deflating his balls/happy endings?

Jussie Smollett allegedly paid two men thirty five hundred dollars to assault him for being black and gay, something he could have gotten for free in Texas. Jussie, you're probably feeling pretty bad right now. Don't beat yourself up. --Bill Maher

Boy what a day of scandals. R. Kelly today was indicted on ten counts of aggravated sexual abuse. Prosecutors say the evidence is so overwhelming he was named Archbishop of Philadelphia. --Bill Maher

You know who got caught tonight, Robert Kraft. You know who that is? He is the owner of the New England Patriots. Kraft has been charged with soliciting prostitutes at a Florida massage parlor. A billionaire was at a rub-and-tug in Florida. Man he won six Super Bowls and he needs more happy endings? --Bill Maher

I always knew the Patriots were cheaters, but Kraft had an excuse. He said he was just deflating his balls. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”