Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Teeny-tiny sausages

"At the Olympics, the Russian men's hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started." –Craig Ferguson

"A 101-year-old man is running for Congress. Now in what state do you think that is? You know what state — Florida, of course! He's a member of the tea party — the Boston Tea Party." –Craig Ferguson

"A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages." –Craig Ferguson

He wants to let women vote

"The big event in the Olympics will be the U.S. playing Canada in men's hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia won the gold medal in women's figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men's hockey team." –Conan O'Brien

"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman

Or even see one up close

"Today the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics. People in Russia haven't been this depressed since last week." –Conan O'Brien

"We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security's very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, 'Who's that guy groping Fallon?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they'd love to hire more women. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close." –Jimmy Fallon

Uh, mammal?

"Making his first visit to our show tonight is Bill O'Reilly. Bill is here to promote his book 'Killing Jesus.' I'm going to have to tell him someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, 'Uh, mammal?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today at the Olympics the Russian men's hockey team, which was favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men's hockey team was eliminated by Putin." –Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

It's still better than a hotel in Sochi

"I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark --- and then the storm hit." –Bill Maher 

"New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what's on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts." –Bill Maher 

"In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien

There is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow

"I'm glad you were able to tear yourselves away from the Winter Olympics. The sporting event that answers the question, How many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team." –Conan O'Brien

"Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That’s my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away." –Bill Maher

The only thing higher than the temperature

"Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing 'bi.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"There are rumors that the Russian government placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi. Russia said, 'Don't worry, our cameras don't work either.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S. snowboarders." –Conan O'Brien

Did you see the Opening Ceremonies today

"Did you see the Opening Ceremonies today...what an elaborate pageant of flamboyant costumes and choreographed dance numbers all aimed at one theme – no gays allowed." –Bill Maher

"They rushed to get the Olympics together there. The hotels are open but they keep finding forgotten little things like handles on the doors, showers with no curtains, floors that are missing. They say if you do fall through a missing floor, here's what you do: relax your body, remain calm and above all – try to stick the landing." –Bill Maher

"Guess which state is going to be the next; it looks like, to legalize pot? It’s on the ballot and it’s looking good…Alaska! And you thought Sarah Palin didn’t make any sense now." –Bill Maher

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

That's what happens when you tick off gay people

"The hotels are lousy. The Olympic village is a mess. The food is horrible. And, well, that's what happens when you tick off gay people." –David Letterman

"While attempting to light the Olympic flame, Vladimir Putin's body oil caught on fire." –David Letterman

"This is the last night Jay Leno is hosting 'The Tonight Show.' Good luck, Jay. The lesson here is if you work hard and succeed, someday you will be fired." –Craig Ferguson

"That's why I'm happy right here. They can't fire you if they don't know you're on the air." –Craig Ferguson

How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?

"I guess it isn't going well over there. In fact, I heard there's even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there's nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. 'How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Olympic torch arrived in Sochi yesterday, after going on a four-month relay around the world. That's when you know things are bad – when even the TORCH is putting off going to Russia." –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow night the Olympics begin from Sochi. A lot of people over there say the hotels stink. The problem is there are only three hotels in Sochi. Of course, you have the Ritz Chernobyl. You have the Sheraton Gulag. And really the best one over there, The Two Seasons." –David Letterman

Anthony Weiner sent me a photo of his penis looking sad

"I don't like goodbyes. NBC does. Well, tonight is our last show for real. See, I don't need to get fired three times. I get the hint." –Jay Leno


"I got to tell you, the outpouring from people. It's really been touching. Today Anthony Weiner sent me a photo of his penis looking sad." –Jay Leno

"There are 12 new events in this year's Winter Olympics, 12. The new events include women's ski jumping, luge-team relay, and finding a working toilet." –Conan O'Brien

With that kind of money...

"Yesterday, Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea admitted the band faked playing during the Super Bowl. In his defense, so did the Broncos." –Conan O'Brien

"The Russians have spent $51 billion on the Olympics – $51 billion. With that kind of money the Yankees could buy themselves a mediocre player." –David Letterman

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is indignant at the New York Times for its sloppy reporting about the Bridge-Gate scandal. The governor also took the opportunity to highlight a few other things he believes are sloppy: Meatloaf with gravy, nachos, barbecue ribs, meat-lovers pizza, buffalo wings, hot-fudge sundaes and chili dogs." –David Letterman

He thought it was too flaming

"It wasn't much of a Super Bowl game. The Seahawks beat the Broncos 43-8. You know how after the game the winning players go to Disney World? Some of the Seahawks went halfway through the third quarter." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Olympics start Friday and Russia's implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. The government will monitor every email. They will monitor every social media message and they will listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That's how bad it is." –Jay Leno

"Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming." –Conan O'Brien

The last time I saw a Bronco going that slow...

"The Broncos couldn't move the ball. The last time I saw a Bronco going that slow, OJ was driving it through L.A." –Jay Leno

"While he was at the game, Governor Chris Christie was up to his old tricks. It turns out he blocked three lines at the concession stand." –Jay Leno

"On Saturday before the Super Bowl, Peyton Manning received the NFL's MVP award for the season. Yeah, unfortunately it was immediately intercepted by a Seahawk." –Conan O'Brien

"Let's talk about the big game yesterday. The Seahawks beat the Broncos 43-8. The Broncos are blaming it on a traffic study." –David Letterman

To me it's just beating a dead horse

"How about that Super Bowl? Some of you may expect me to make jokes about the Broncos. I won't do that. To me it's just beating a dead horse." –Craig Ferguson

"Well done, Seattle. I think they needed this to cement their reputation. Before last night, the meanest guy from Seattle was 'Frasier.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Poor Broncos. Experts said they haven't seen something crushed like that in New Jersey since Chris Christie's beanbag chair." –Craig Ferguson

"The Broncos looked so bad, even the L.A. Lakers said, 'This is kind of embarrassing to watch.' Peyton Manning had such a bad night that Tim Tebow said, 'I could have done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

That's just a costume they wear on Grindr

"New Rule: If polls show we now live in an America that can accept gay marriage and legal marijuana it's time we knocked over the next social domino – Puritanism - especially as it pertains to our elected leaders. Let's stop being a nation of grade school prudes about adult consensual sex and accept that politicians aren't boy scouts – that's just a costume they wear on Grindr." –Bill Maher

"House Republicans unveiled a new plan that would allow undocumented immigrants to become citizens if they learn about American history. Which will be great, because then they can teach it to Americans." –Jimmy Fallon

Supreme A**hole

"It seems like every week we get introduced to some new frothing lunatic who's actually in Congress, and this week it was Michael Grimm. He's a Republican from Gold's Gym. I'm sorry Staten Island. His hobbies are lifting weights and losing his temper. He was being interviewed after the State of the Union by some reporter, and apparently got pissed off and threatened to throw the reporter off the balcony, and said to him, 'I will break you in half like a boy.' Which sounds to me more Fire Island than Staten Island." –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz already is calling Obama the 'Imperial President,' which he sees as a threat to his title, 'Supreme A**hole.'" –Bill Maher

300-pound guys blocking things

"The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey. It's a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things." –Conan O'Brien

"One congressman brought with him as his guest to the State of the Union the Duck Dynasty guy. Wild guess which party. It was Republican Congressman from Louisiana Vance McAllister. When asked why he said, swear to God, 'I wanted to bring some diversity to our nation's capital.' Yes, affirmative action for rednecks! This is what this nation needs. When will white people get a seat at the table in this country?"  –Bill Maher

"Poor Atlanta…what a thing they went through…drivers were stranded, traffic was at a standstill and everyone was asking the same question: 'What did we do to piss off Chris Christie?'" –Bill Maher

I liked him better when he was just a menace to music

"The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch." –David Letterman 

"Justin Bieber was booked for assault for an incident that happened in December. Boy, this kid is on a real crime spree. He's become a menace to society. I liked him better when he was just a menace to music." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on." –Jay Leno