Saturday, December 31, 2016

You're attacking the Irish now? (You will never see me sink to that level)

"Even if we all pretended that maybe, just maybe in some crazy, cuckoo fantasyland that Colbert made Huckabee, even if that were true, you have to remember this -- by simply mentioning Stephen Colbert's name on mighty broadcast television, I, Conan O'Brien, am breathing life into his career. So, if Colbert made Huckabee, and Conan made Colbert, then Conan made Huckabee! I'd like to let this all go right now. I would. I'm an adult, he's an adult. I want to let bygones be bygones. 

But no. You see, Colbert said some other things on his show about me. Ugly, personal things that I cannot ignore [on screen: Colbert saying, 'So back off of Mike Huckabee or I will kick your translucent white ass. You got that, Irish?']. First of all, let's get things straight, okay? My ass is not translucent, all right? It's chalky white with streaks of pink. So there. Second of all, Irish? He's calling me Irish. You're attacking the Irish now? You've sunk that low? 

Let me tell you something, folks, you'll never see me attacking someone's heritage, okay? You won't see me going after you because your name sounds French, Colbert [on screen: O'Brien jumps on a bike with French bread in the basket in front of a backdrop of Paris, while speaking in a French accent]. Oh, oh. Look at me riding my bicycle. And my bread. Oh, I eat the cheese. I make political pundits. I make the jokes about the candidates. No. You will never see me sink to that level. I simply won't do it." --Conan O'Brien 

I've never had a chance to check the show out myself. Because frankly, I don't own a radio.

"I am just going to spill my guts here for a second. Ladies and gentlemen, last night on my show, you know, I came out, jumped around like a chimp like I normally do, and then I said something on my show regarding the presidential campaign of Mike Huckabee [on screen: past clip of O'Brien explaining that because he made Chuck Norris popular again, Mike Huckabee became popular]. It's just simple, simple logic. 

Now I've made this claim for the last several weeks, and it's been overwhelmingly accepted by the media and by political pundits across the country. 'Conan Made Huckabee' is now even a popular bumper sticker outselling 'No Fat Chicks' by 3 to 1. So, you know, I've been in a good mood lately. I'm a kingmaker. I'm changing the course of history. This morning, I come to work, my entire staff is buzzing about some comments made by Stephen Colbert. Now, I've always heard very nice things about his show and about him. I've never had a chance to check the show out myself. Because frankly, I don't own a radio. But the word on the street is that he's a very good man. 

Okay? So imagine my shock and surprise when Colbert spoke directly to me on his show last night and said the following [on screen: Colbert saying, 'Let's make this straight, Conan O'Brien. I made Mike Huckabee. I made him in my own image and surely as I fashioned him from dust and breathed life into his nostrils']. What the hell is he talking about? He made Huckabee? Who does this guy think he is? Now, I don't want to get into the gutter here, but my good name has been besmirched and I need to to unsmirch it." --Conan O'Brien 

it's fairly clear that the main thing we've learned is, time is a cruel mistress (double entendre for fellatio)

Daily Show correspondent John Oliver on the 10-year anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky affair going public: "This was the scandal to end all scandals. It had everything -- power, sex, lies, cover-ups, a federal investigation. The world changed on January 17, 1998, and we've been living in a post-1/17 world ever since. It's one of those moments in history where you never forget where you were. Suddenly, we were living in a world where anything that anyone said could immediately be construed as a double entendre for fellatio. 

And remember this, this was at a time when political comedy shows meant something [on screen: a clip from 1998 of Stewart saying, 'The car's emergency system malfunctioned during the accident, but Lewinsky, nevertheless, reportedly kept busy in the moments after the crash by inflating the air bag herself']. Jon, your younger brother was talented! I think it's fairly clear that the main thing we've learned is, time is a cruel mistress."

Bush's Alabama National Guard Military Record (scare the crap out of Terry Moran!)

"We were talking a little bit about the president's trip to the Middle East. The president's going to give himself a chance to do all the things that he always wanted to do. So please welcome another installment of [on screen: 'Bush's Bucket List']. The president's Middle East trip is at an end, but the memories he'll have, the things he got to cross off the list. 

He reconnected with old friends. He danced. He watched people dance. He held a bird. He sold over $20 billion in arms to an unstable region. And on the last night of his trip, there was still one thing left undone. One thing he desperately wanted to do -- to conduct an incredibly awkward interview with ABC's Terry Moran. 

Well, guess what? Sometimes wishes come true [on screen: Bush saying, 'What am I supposed to do? Go in the fetal position because of your poll?']. Obviously, the president is not afraid of Terry Moran's poll. But what would the president do there in Saudi Arabia when the conversation turned to oil? [on screen: Asked what he can say to the king to get the high oil prices down, Bush, 'Well, I will say to him that if it's possible, your majesty, consider what high prices is doing to one of your largest customers']. 

How did the 'wanted dead or alive' requests guy turn into Woody Allen all of a sudden? Watch how Bush handles Moran's follow-up [on screen: Asked if he thinks Americans might want him to be a little tougher than that, Bush, 'What's that mean?'] What's that mean? What you did right there! You just scared the crap out of Terry Moran!" --Jon Stewart 

Bush is not good in these situations, he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah

"While he was in Saudi Arabia this week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations, like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah." --Jay Leno

 "Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out better than their pledge to fight terrorism." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced today that contrary to rumors of dwindling oil supplies, they have plenty of oil. In fact, with the most recent estimate, they said they have enough oil to keep screwing us for the next 300 years." --Jay Leno

"Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney" --Jay Leno

Censorship: What Corp. News Is Not Allowed To Say About W-A-R!

The Beatles - Help (2015 Restored Clip from Beatles 1)

Bernie Sanders Shows What A Real LEADER Is

American Media Is TRAGICALLY Incapable of Covering Politics Ethically

when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID (I guess he is white enough)

"John McCain came in second in Michigan. There was one embarrassing moment yesterday when McCain spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral home. I don't want to say McCain looked old but when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton taped the 'Tyra Banks Show,' which will air, I guess, on Friday. Tyra asked Hillary if she could be on a reality show, which reality show would she like to be on. Hillary said 'Dancing With The Stars.' If Barack Obama keeps doing well, she can be on that show sooner than she thinks." --Jay Leno

 "These pundits can be very unfair, like they always ask  Barack Obama if he's black enough. Nobody asks Mitt Romney if he's white enough. I guess he is white enough." --Jay Leno

this is the same decision Michael Jackson had to make every morning of his life (When was it vitalized?)

"It looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it's going to be Barack Obama versus  Hillary. So, it's a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life." --Jay Leno

"Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean 're'? When was it vitalized?" --Jay Leno

"California is having a lot budget problems. In his budget talk speech yesterday, our own Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California should be more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears' pregnant 16-year-old sister said, 'Hey, I'm doing my part.'" --Jay Leno

Gays with oil. Uh-oh! (I wonder if Bush's ass is kosher)

"(Bush's) first stop was Israel. But why is it when you go to Israel, they love us there? Look at the real friendship between Olmert and Bush [on screen: Olmert's various compliments of Bush]. I wonder if Bush's ass is kosher." --Jon Stewart

"President George W. Bush is in the Middle East. He's over there right now because his approval rating is higher. Bush would like to settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He's so confident about doing this that he's already unfolding the 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman

"According to Google trends, this tracks what people look up on the Internet, people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia. Boy, that's the ultimate dilemma for Republicans. Gays with oil. Uh-oh!" --Jay Leno

For the next war, I already have some darn good intelligence...honest.

"President Bush also said today that he is worried that Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, let me tell you something. If it's good enough for the Republican Party, it is good enough for Iraq." --Jay Leno

"The stock market bounced back today, up 117 points. See what happens when Bush leaves the country for a few days, things get better." --Jay Leno

"With all this talk of hope and change and idealism and getting the country back on track, it was a friend of mine, an old friend who -- he wanted to say something to you. Is he ready to say it? [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, 'Iran is a threat to world peace']. Boo! That's former president, what is that? Oh, he's still. Bush's warning to Iran was sort of a nice reminder for all of us here in the country that he's still the president. And to drive the point home, he's actually going overseas. The president has taken on an ambitious Middle East eight-day, six-country, 12-war visit. I assume he's going to the Middle East like kind of one of those post Katrina surveying of the damage kind of, did I do that?" --Jon Stewart

Humanist Report's Donkey of 2016 Award Goes To...

Humanist Report's MVP of 2016 Award Goes To...

Norm Macdonald Live: Jokes - Best Of Compilation

Friday, December 30, 2016

Norm MacDonald Puts Letterman In Stitches!

How the Russian "Election Hacking" Story Was Sold to Americans by Hillary Clinton & the Media

Obama & Congress Secretly Create A Ministry Of Truth

Oops! Carl Paladino Didn't Mean To PUBLICLY Post Racist Comments...

Bush showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke (taking $20 million from Ron Perelman)

"President George Bush is in Israel right now. But he doesn't really fit there. He showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke." --David Letterman

"When you take George Bush out of his own environment, when you take him out of his own culture, like in Israel for example, he makes mistakes. Earlier today, he was speaking at a group of people in Jerusalem and he finished up by saying, 'I am Jewish guy.' There's no getting around it, George Bush is confused. He thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perelman." --David Letterman

"How about this? Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary last night, huh? It was a surprising victory and today she is denying that she used human growth hormone." --David Letterman

Bush is still going to attack, he just has no plans (Usually it's the other way around)

"Kind of a scary incident in the Straits of Hormuz this week. Do you know about this, where those Iranian boats threatened our navy? President Bush said today he has no plans to attack Iran. Oh, he's still going to attack, he just has no plans." --Jay Leno

"And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. He was a big winner up in New Hampshire, too. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent 5 1/2 years in prison then went into politics. Usually it's the other way around." --Jay Leno

"This year, the immigration and naturalization service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. How much do you think it costs to become a U.S. citizen? It's about $700. It now costs $700 to become a U.S. citizen. In fact, you know how much immigration and naturalization expects to make this year on people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400." --Jay Leno

when it hums in his pants, it reminds him of the '90s (it's number two on his bucket list)

"Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god, dull. I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from 'Live Free or Die' to 'Please Shoot Me.'" --David Letterman

"I thought this was kind of cute. Did you hear about this?  Bill Clinton is giving a speech in New Hampshire. I guess it was yesterday. During the speech, he takes a cell phone call from his wife Hillary. And, you know, Bill, of course, keeps the cell phone on vibrate -- I don't even have to finish the joke, do I? -- because when it hums in his pants, it reminds him of the '90s" --David Letterman

"John McCain is leading in New Hampshire. McCain really, really wants to president. As a matter of fact, it's number two on his bucket list." --David Letterman

His cover-up may be better than my cover-up (Or, as Paul McCartney calls that, a divorce)

"As you know, we are in the middle of this writers strike here in Hollywood. It's already cost the town over half a billion dollars. $500 million. Or, as Paul McCartney calls that, a divorce." --Jay Leno

"Here's something odd about Iowa I didn't know. You'd think they'd be conservative. They decided to not to ban sex in public places. It is actually legal to have sex in public places in Iowa. See, they will do anything to keep that Democratic caucus there." --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, earlier this week, the price of oil closed at $100 a barrel. You see, I don't think President Bush really understands this issue. In fact, when they asked him what effect this would have on average Americans, President Bush said it wouldn't have much effect at all. He said, 'Most Americans buy their oil in little cans.'" --Jay Leno

Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right (younger, hotter running mate)

"While President Bush was spending the holid­ays at his Texas ranch, he was clearing brush and a branch cut his face. As a result the tree was cut down and tortured by Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When President Bush heard this, he said 'That's amazing. I can only name three congressmen.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is reportedly considering running for president in 2008. Yeah, Trump said he'll choose a running mate, and then dump her for a younger, hotter running mate." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. 100% sure that he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right." --David Letterman

President Bush wants to hit the ground bungling (exit strategy)

"All kinds of gigantic sales going on after Christmas. Today in Washington, lobbyist Jack Abramoff was selling Tom DeLay at 50% off." --Jay Leno

"It's the start of a new year and President Bush wants to hit the ground bungling." --David Letterman

"A kid from Florida, he was like 16 years old, and he runs away from home and he goes to Iraq. His family was from Iraq, and he wanted to go back and see what it was like. He spent like three weeks over there and then he came home. At least he had an exit strategy." --David Letterman

I am the ghost of abuses past (Come smell for yourself)

"Election in Iraq was three weeks ago. Believe it or not, officials say it's going to be another two weeks before they announce who won. Odd part is that the winner will be announced by Ryan Seacrest." --Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey's having a contest for a new state motto. One of the finalists is 'New Jersey: Come see for yourself.' Apparently it narrowly beat out 'New Jersey: Come smell for yourself'." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating, on the rise. Well, a lot of those polls are phone polls. People are worried Bush is listening: What? I think he's doing a hell of a job! Yeah." --Jay Leno

I can't wait for Trump to turn the Washington monument into a condo. --David Letterman

"Donald Trump as President of the United States. I can't wait for the Washington monument to turn into a condo." --David Letterman

"When they had to book [Jack Abramoff], they emptied his pockets and Tom DeLay fell out. We're learning more and more about this Abramoff guy. You know, before he was a lobbyist, he was a Hollywood producer. So he went from Sodom to Gomorrah." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was clearing brush at his ranch when he was scratched by a tree. That's a switch, a tree harming a Republican, when does that ever happen? I guess Bush has cut down so many trees they're starting to fight back now." --Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein's CIA interrogator explains how Americans were duped

Researchers discover 6 bursts of radio waves 3 billion lightyears away. Aliens?

WaPo refuses to add disclosure about $600M CIA contract

Hundreds of US cities have water contamination worse than Flint

The biggest science story of 2016

DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS NOW A SMOKING PILE OF RUBBLE: Obama Retaliates Against Russia for Clinton

USA Snubs Israel, & Everyone Goes Nuts.--Live Jimmy Dore show!