she was deeply saddened to be reminded that your partner could live that long (Beaver Moon)

Melania Trump made a rare public appearance when she attended the funeral of former first lady Rosalyn Carter at the age of 96. Melania said that she was deeply saddened to be reminded that your partner could live that long. —Michael Che

In her new book, Liz Cheney claims that one republican called Donald Trump ‘Orange Jesus.’ But it’s like you always say Colin, there’s only one Jesus and he’s white. —Michael Che

One of the founders of the Black Lives Matter movement announced that he is supporting Donald Trump for President. And I’m going to assume he announced it at a traffic stop. —Michael Che

These week sky gazers were treated to the Beaver Moon, which is only visible for a few seconds when the moon gets out of the shower. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The purpose of her trip hasn't been announced. But I'm guessing sanctuary? (They have apologized for quote, “All of it.”)

A new article has been published ranking New York City’s best public restrooms. So congratulations yet again to ... the subway! –Seth Meyers

Alaska Airlines apologized today to a gay couple after asking one

of them to move so that a straight couple could sit together.

Meanwhile Spirit Airlines apologized for quote, “All of it.”

--Seth Meyers

The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges

focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the

Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while.

–Seth Meyers

First lady Melania Trump announced today that her first solo international trip will be to Toronto, Canada. The purpose of her trip hasn't been announced. But I'm guessing sanctuary? –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

An A-plus! From where — Trump University? (he must taste delicious)

A 20-year-old man from Colorado recently survived a shark bite in Hawaii. Less than a year before that, he was attacked by a 300-pound black bear. And a few years before that, he was bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. Based on these incidents, we do know a lot about this man. For example, he must taste delicious.  --James Corden

Donald Trump has been pandering like this wherever he goes. In New York, he said pizza is the best. In Portland, he said gluten is the devil's handiwork. And in Florida, he said nothing beats doing meth in a Walmart parking lot. –James Corden

This weekend, family, friends, and dignitaries gathered in Houston to celebrate former first lady Barbara Bush, who passed away at 92. It was a beautiful ceremony befitting of the wonderful life that she lived. And at the gathering, there was a rare group photo featuring the Bush family, the Clintons, the Obamas, and Melania Trump. The photographer was like, "Now, everyone smile and say, 'He's not coming!'" --James Corden

This morning, President Trump made a special phone call to his favorite television program, "Fox & Friends." Trump and the hosts talked about lots of things, and at one point, he was asked to grade his presidency. Take a look at what he said. [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus.” An A-plus! From where — Trump University? --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I was gone for two years and nobody even noticed (they only come here if they’re already high)

April 2022

“Today, it was announced that Vice President Kamala Harris has tested positive for Covid-19. Yeah, President Biden told her to take her time recovering. He was like, ‘When I was V.P., I was gone for two years and nobody even noticed.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“It’s Melania Trump’s 52nd birthday. Birthdays are tough for Melania – she’s made the same wish for the past 20 years, and it never comes true. The tears keep extinguishing the candles before she can blow them out. I don’t know what kind of gift Trump gave her, but he did send her a beautiful email today that started ‘dear supporter.’ Birthdays are depressing for a lot of people. Can you imagine being Melania? Every year they sing happy birthday, then she spends the next 10 minutes watching the gibbon she married wolf down a whole cake.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And officials in New York are reportedly considering a proposal to allow pizzerias and other restaurants to sell cannabis-infused foods. ‘Oh, they only come here if they’re already high’ – said Papa John’s.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

finding out something isn’t worth as much as she thought (that girl was very very very over eighteen)

 

January 2022

Well the stock market is plummeting and there is a threat of a land war in Europe. So it looks like democrats were right. Joe Biden is the next FDR. —Colin Jost

President Biden is working to prevent a war between Russia and Ukraine, and he said a video call between European allies went very, very, very well. OK, the third very worries me. You only say that when you are trying to cover up something. Like, if Matt Gaetz said that girl was very very very over eighteen. —Colin Jost

A new report shows that last year, the U.S. economy grew at its fastest rate since Ronald Reagan was president. Biden has even started using Reagan’s old catch phrase, ‘Where am I?’ —Colin Jost

Three items put up for auction by Melania Trump failed to reach the opening bid of $250,000. But Melania is no stranger to finding out something isn’t worth as much as she thought. —Colin Jost

It was announced that Mountain Dew’s Baja Blast is being converted into a new alcoholic seltzer, which is then being converted into your third DUI. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

If this turns out to be a false report again, ‘urine’ trouble. (I did not secretly die in 1966)

October 2021

“I just can’t quit talking about reports about the existence of a tape rumored to show Donald J. Trump in a compromising position in a Moscow hotel room. Christopher Steele, a British ex-spy, that such a tape ‘probably exists.’ No! No, Chris Steele, you will not get my hopes up again. I have moved on — my heart cannot take this!” Colbert said. “This show had an official last pee-pee tape joke on January 25th. You cannot get me to talk about this until the actual tape has been released — or at least streamed.” —Stephen Colbert

“I’m warning you, Steele. If this turns out to be a false report again, ‘urine’ trouble.” —Stephen Colbert

“At a donor retreat last week, Trump denied, sans context or prompting, that he enjoys so-called ‘golden showers.’ Um, no one asked you? And when no one is bringing up the thing that you famously denied, you shouldn’t bring it up either. You don’t hear Paul McCartney beginning his concert by saying, ‘Hello New York, I did not secretly die in 1966 and get replaced with a lookalike from Canada, eh.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump also reportedly denied the tape’s existence on the basis of wife Melania’s distrust of the story. You know the great thing, our great first lady – ‘that one,’ she said, ‘I don’t believe that one.’ Yes, she doesn’t believe that one. (imitating the former first lady): ‘Having prostitutes pee on a bed does not sound like my husband. Now, getting spanked by Forbes magazine with him on the cover and then raw-dogging that porn star at a celebrity golf tournament two weeks after I gave birth to our child? That’s the man I married.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, aren’t you the one that died? (because of course he is)

August 2020

“Tonight was the start of the Republican National Convention, a week of speeches, celebration and white people walking up to Ben Carson saying, ‘Wait, aren’t you the one that died?’” —Trevor Noah

“Usually the presidential nominee speaks on the last night, but this year, Trump is breaking the tradition, and he’s speaking on all four nights, because of course he is.” —James Corden

“But the president isn’t the only speaker at the convention this week. The list also includes First Lady Melania Trump and all four of the president’s adult children. Six Trumps. You know that the president is desperate for speakers when even Tiffany made the cut. No one saw that coming.” —James Corden

“That lineup looks like a list of people you see banned from a chain restaurant for verbally harassing the manager.” —James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

teleworking from his home office on the 18th green at Mar-a-Lago (then died slipping on a banana peel)

“And yet, the president still refuses to wear a mask. Last week, he and Melania, both without masks, attended a ceremony for the 75th anniversary of victory in Europe which included several veterans in their 90s. Whatever Trump’s excuse was, I just hope all those veterans are safe. Because could you imagine surviving Hitler, only to be taken out by Trump? That would be so anticlimactic. It would be like if Batman beat Bane, and then died slipping on a banana peel.” —Trevor Noah

“Anywhere between one to two thousand Americans are dying every day from the coronavirus and yet rather than confront that reality, Trump is doing the only thing he knows, and that’s lying his way through it. He’s trying to dead-eye mind-trick Americans into thinking coronavirus will simply go away. For example, Trump told reporters on Friday that coronavirus would soon disappear, even without a vaccine, despite news that two White House staffers had tested positive and a letter from the White House management office encouraging staff to ‘practice maximum telework’ and to ‘work remotely if at all possible’. Well, that’s easy for Trump since he’s already spent the last three years teleworking from his home office on the 18th green at Mar-a-Lago. Think about that: the president is telling people to get back into the workforce while his own White House tells employees to stay home. One day he’s going to call a press conference to tell us that murder hornets are fake news while a dozen of them carry him back to their nest.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the president calls him Melania (Preventable Apocalypse Now)

“I love the idea that he’s watching late-night television to see if we make jokes about him. Jared, in case you are, here are a few I think you’ll like. Jared Kushner is so dead inside, the president calls him Melania. Jared Kushner looks like if white privilege had a baby with raw cookie dough. Jared Kushner looks like a Pez dispenser of ‘Young Sheldon.’ Even Jared from Subway is like, ‘This Jared gives me the creeps.’” — Jimmy Kimmel

“[imitating Jared Kushner] Yes, it’s a great story. More people dying under this administration in 100 days than died in 20 years of the Vietnam War. That’s a story that needs to be told. Perhaps in the blockbuster movie, ‘Preventable Apocalypse Now.’” — Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

praying right now they don’t dig too close to her escape tunnel (She’s just getting hotter every year)

“Donald Trump celebrated Earth Day today with a shovel. The president, first lady and Mike and Karen Pence gathered on the South Lawn to dig a hole to bury his hair in. Look at how natural — so they are doing physical labor in their suits and heels. Melania is praying right now they don’t dig too close to her escape tunnel.” — Jimmy KImmel

“Today is the 50th Earth Day. The big 5-0. And I gotta say, Earth is still looking good. She’s just getting hotter every year, even with the receding glaciers and putting on a little water weight around the coastline.” — Stephen Colbert

“And you know, honestly, you gotta admit, man, Earth is having the best Earth Day ever. Because ever since coronavirus locked all of us in our homes, animals have been roaming free, the smog has cleared from the sky, the waters of Venice are blue again. Basically, as bad as coronavirus has been for humans, it’s been amazing for the Earth. In fact, I don’t want to be a conspiracy theorist, but isn’t Wuhan a part of the Earth?” — Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings (that legally makes you a porn star)

“Now, and it turns out, the president is not legally allowed to sign checks from the I.R.S. So instead, Steve Mnuchin decided to put the president’s name in the ‘memo’ section of the check. Still better than Trump’s alternative: tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings.” — Stephen Colbert

“Uh, I don’t think anyone wants a check that Trump signed. I think that legally makes you a porn star.” — Stephen Colbert

“I think you might be projecting, sir. [as Trump] The World Health Organization dragged its feet on Covid. The W.H.O. cheated on Melania when she was home with a 3-month-old. The W.H.O. thinks they can get out of this by blaming all their screw-ups on the W.H.O. Not going to work, W.H.O.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Have you seen my ratings? (it’s a border wall for your face)

“Trump is all about appearance — he’s not going to be wearing a mask. He doesn’t care about safety. In fact, the only way they can get him to wear a mask is if his aides trick him. They just gotta trick him like he’s a child: ‘No, Mr. President, it’s not a mask — it’s a border wall for your face.’” — Trevor Noah

“Here’s the thing: even if Trump wanted to wear a mask, you know Melania would be running around the White House hiding them in places he’d never find them, like inside books, or under piles of vegetables.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“But what is the point of telling people to do something you aren’t doing yourself? Personally, I would love to see the president wearing a mask. Maybe then we could redub his voice to make him sound like an actual president.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

this act of defiance against Master (Great, now do my prenup)

“After President Trump gave his State of the Union address, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi tore it in half. Tore in half! Crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Then Melania said, ‘Great, now do my prenup.’” —Conan O’Brien

“I will say, I didn’t like that. I think tearing up the speech was a bad move. Pelosi should have rolled it up and spanked him with it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Needless to say, Mike Pence was very upset by this act of defiance against Master. He described it as a new low. I guess he forgot about the time his boss invited the Taliban to Camp David.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I love Chinese people, I really do (Yeah, have you tried the shrimp?)

And as always, the president invited some special guests to the gallery, with inspiring stories of enduring unimaginable hardship. For instance, Melania. —Stephen Colbert

During the State of the Union, Trump mostly stuck to the script, which included plenty of falsities. No Trump speech would be complete without an absolute, blatant lie. And for tonight’s address, Trump went with an old classic: that he’s the champion of healthcare. At one point, Trump promised an “ironclad pledge” to “always protect patients with pre-existing conditions”. Really? That lie is so extreme that if he was Pinocchio he would’ve impaled Mitch McConnell in his seat.

Here’s the truth: Trump tried to kill protections for pre-existing conditions when he went after Obamacare, and right now – right now! – his administration is in court trying to kill it again. So him claiming to be the champion of protecting pre-existing conditions is like the coronavirus being like: ‘I love Chinese people, I really do.’ —Trevor Noah

Trump’s theme was the Great American Comeback, focusing on the economy and stock market, which is a little like the captain of the Titanic going: ‘Yeah, have you tried the shrimp?’ —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He just finished a crossword puzzle. Please send help! (Agenda for a New Progressive America)

“Was it a health emergency or did he need to get a marble removed from his nose again? We don’t know.” --Trevor Noah

“Now, because no one trusts this White House, everyone is wildly speculating about what actually happened. Did Trump have a heart problem or a stroke? And if he did have a stroke, how would you even be able to tell? Yeah. No, because the symptoms of a stroke are slurred speech, confusion and erratic behavior. For Trump, that’s a Tuesday!” --Trevor Noah

“In fact, if Trump ever starts speaking normally, that’s when Melania should call 911. It’d be like, ‘Hello, ambulance? Something is wrong with my husband — he just finished a crossword puzzle. Please send help!’” --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

and not the kind of mistakes you can fix with a sharpie (the singles scene in Alaska)

Donald Trump himself had a relatively quiet week, for him. He committed only like three brazenly impeachable acts. But he did fire his third national security adviser, John Bolton. Trump said Bolton made some very big mistakes and not the kind you can fix with a sharpie. --Bill Maher

Trump loves that sharpie. That's his thing now, like Michael Jackson's glove. He's got it everywhere. After the Alabama hurricane was such a success he thinks he can fix anything with that sharpie. Yesterday he drew a smile on Melania’s face. --Bill Maher

Todd Palin filed for divorce from Sarah Palin. That’s when you know that you have had enough when you are willing to take a chance on the singles scene in Alaska.  --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I mean, the dude has been burned twice/He better not be vaping!/Did you know?

During Mr. Trump’s remarks on vaping, he told reporters that the first lady, Melania, had taken an interest in the subject because “she has a son” — an odd reference to the couple’s teenage son, Barron Trump. --Jimmy Fallon

“Or so I hear, I’ve not seen him for a while. He better not be vaping!” --Jimmy Kimmel  (as Trump)

“At least Darth Vader claimed his son. If Trump was the dark lord, he would be like, ‘Luke, she is your mother.’” --Trevor Noah

“The first lady has got a son — together. It’s a mutual son. Of course, I’m very involved with the doings of it, and so is the first lady, who is a lovely mother, together, who I love and know her name. So well that I won’t waste your time saying it out loud.” --Stephen Colbert (as Trump) 

“But, look, you can’t fault Trump for not being super eager to claim responsibility for his son. I mean, the dude has been burned twice.” --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

she tried to slap it away like a Slovenian Dikembe Mutombo (super hard-core)

“Melania Trump helped her parents chain-migrate to the U.S., so that’s what Donald Trump was trying to stop. He was trying to turn his in-laws into outlaws, yeah — which is super hard-core.” --Trevor Noah

“Now you might be asking, why would Trump want to deport his wife? I don’t know, but things haven’t exactly been perfect between them. First of all, it’s no secret that Melania barely spends any time at the White House. Secondly, when he tried to hold her hand in public, she tried to slap it away like a Slovenian Dikembe Mutombo.” --Trevor Noah

“Yeah, that’s right — Melania got a green card through the Einstein Visa program, which seems strange. Although I guess if you spend enough time standing next to Donald, anyone starts to look like Einstein.” --Trevor Noah

“They came out saying that immigrants who receive assistance from the government may not be allowed to stay in the United States. Well, guess who lives in a free house provided by the United States?” --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What's your secret? I mean, your other secret (at least the trains will seem fast)

President Trump announced plans this week to help people who leave prison find jobs, as opposed to his current program where he gives people jobs, and then they go to prison. --Seth Meyers

O.J. Simpson joined Twitter this weekend. And I know -- I know this is the wrong take, but he looks terrific. I mean the dude's 71. What's your secret? I mean, your other secret. --Seth Meyers

Lawmakers in New York State have reportedly resumed negotiations on a stalled bill to legalize recreational use of marijuana. I guess if everybody's high, at least the trains will seem fast. --Seth Meyers

During an interview yesterday, President Trump asked his chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, to leave the room, after Mulvaney coughed while he was speaking. Which is weird, but at least it explains why Melania started smoking unfiltered Pall Malls. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How did that guy become a brain surgeon? (God has officially run out of locusts)

Housing secretary Ben Carson was mocked on social media yesterday for mistaking the phrase REO, meaning "real estate owned," for the cookie Oreo. I mean, how did that guy become a brain surgeon? Did he practice on himself? --Seth Meyers

Queen Elizabeth today learned how to use a self-service check-out at a supermarket's 105th birthday celebration. Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting. --Seth Meyers

Officials in Japan have begun criticizing President Trump's state visit later this month following reports that Trump would be given a chair to sit on while attending a sumo-wrestling tournament rather than following the traditional custom of sitting on the floor. Hey, that's just how he is. When Melania gave birth, he took the bed. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”