Wow, that must mean large amounts are good for you (because she was always in the way)

A new study shows that consuming small amounts of alcohol were linked to dementia. “Wow, that must mean large amounts are good for you," said Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

A new report says Joe Biden's Secret Service had an obese female agent who failed fitness tests and moonlighted as a plus-size model. But staffers say she was the best at protecting Joe from a bullet because she was always in the way. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to raise some extra cash, the Secret Service is using Joe Biden’s hearse as an Uber (US military presence in the Middle East)

“The government shutdown is taking its toll. It’s so bad that Jerry Nadler had to cut back on his diaper service, Hakeem Jeffries had to pawn his sombreros, paychecks are no longer being sent to Rashida Tlaib’s team of electrologists and, since there is no funding, they just repossessed the thing on top of Maxine Waters’ head.” — Greg Gutfeld

“But this is nice — to raise some extra cash, the Secret Service is using Joe Biden’s hearse as an Uber.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only shots these agents were blocking were coming from José Cuervo (Countries ranked by prosperity)

Football player Travis Kelce is expected to retire after the 2026 NFL season. So, he marries rich, then stops working. Who does he think he is? A woman? —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump just revoked Kamala Harris's Secret Service protection, which had been secretly extended by Joe Biden. I guess it makes sense. The only shots these agents were blocking were coming from José Cuervo. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You sure man? (redefining stupid)

"Oh this isn't good. The Secret Service just arrested 13 people in New Jersey who were making counterfeit money. Which got worse when the counterfeiters said, 'Are you sure this isn't something a seven-dollar bill can't get me out of?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they'll do with the money, Home Depot said, "Hire a second employee." --Jimmy Fallon

"Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush announced he is against medical marijuana in the state because it could hurt the tourism industry. Then Jamaica was like, 'You sure man?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the Secret Service code name for Joe Biden (I'm on my way, said Bill Clinton)

On Monday night, a player nicknamed the Big Dumper won the Home Run Derby. Coincidentally, Big Dumper was the Secret Service code name for Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, a strange new hole has appeared in Yellowstone National Park. Strange new hole. I'm on my way, said Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

Now, Trump just had the greatest start to a presidency in history. I haven't seen anything come out of the gate this fast since Joy Behar won the Kentucky Derby. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, join the club (He was like a president and a Secret Service agent all rolled into one)

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton posed for pictures with his arms around two women, both of whom turned out to be famous porn stars. See, this is why we miss Clinton. He was like a president and a Secret Service agent all rolled into one." –Jay Leno

"And during a speech at a high school, former President George W. Bush said he's really enjoying the fact that he's no longer president. Hey, join the club." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well I see your point about the plane, but what about a Hummer (867-5309)

Former FBI director James Comey is being investigated by the Secret Service for posting 8647 on Instagram allegedly code for killing President Trump. He's also being investigated for threatening Jenny by posting 867-5309. —Greg Gutfeld

Hillary Clinton weighed in on the cutter plane gift by tweeting "No one gives someone a $400 million jet for free without expecting anything in return." Well I see your point about the plane, but what about a Hummer. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He has a thing for the help (Brazilian wax)

So Kamala Harris went for a drink at a New York City bar taking a slew of bodyguards including Secret Service along with her. Why so many agents? Well there was one to protect Kamala and ten to keep Doug from impregnating the staff. He has a thing for the help. Who doesn’t? —Greg Gutfeld

The suspect accused of plotting to kill fans at Lady Gaga's concert in Rio de Janeiro was an illegal that was just deported from the United States. Upon hearing the news Senator Van Hollen immediately flew there to personally give him a Brazilian wax. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

National Beer Day (I'll drink to that)

So yesterday is National Beer Day, which means today is how do I get Lizzo out of my bed day. —Greg Gutfeld

The Supreme Court has cleared the way for Venezuelan deportations to resume. Now how will The Squad get laid? —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile JD Vance hosted his mom at the White House to celebrate her 10 years of sobriety. "I'll drink to that," said Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

Donald Trump met with the world champion Los Angeles Dodgers at the White House where Trump used the opportunity to deport Shohei Ohtani. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anyway, he's now in a prison in El Salvador ("Wow. That's great," said ducks.)

Scientists say that they've developed a way of making foie gras that does not involve force-feeding ducks. "Wow. That's great," said ducks. "What about the murder?” —Colin Jost

This week, the Secret Service intercepted a toddler after he slipped through the fence outside the White House. Anyway, he's now in a prison in El Salvador. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Crap did I have another one? (She has a name!)

So on Wednesday the Secret Service removed a child from the White House lawn after he slipped through the fence. Crap did I have another one, said Elon Musk. —Greg Gutfeld

At the DOGE hearing on funding PBS, Democrat Greg Casar asked if Miss Piggy has ever been caught trying to funnel billions in government contracts to herself and her companies. Viewers were offended he would use such a slur against Stacey Abrams. She has a name! —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s called “YOU Try It First.” (there is no way he’d ever have a study)

Engineers have crafted a futuristic jetpack that lets you fly up to

10,000 feet in the air. It even has a cool name: It’s called “YOU

Try It First.” --Jimmy Fallon

A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at

Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study.

But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have

a study. –Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book

deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one."

--Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wow, who knew you needed 18 Secret Service agents to put on a condom (doing the math)

As President Trump threatens massive tariffs on alcohol from the EU, consumers are loading up on booze. In a related story Kamala Harris just rented a tractor trailer. —Greg Gutfeld

According to Trump, Hunter Biden had 18 Secret Service agents paid for by us taxpayers, all for his protection. Wow, who knew you needed 18 Secret Service agents to put on a condom. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's a combination of her secret service code name and the number of states there are (very lonely scientists)

Kamala Harris has established a new company called Pioneer 49. She says it's a combination of her secret service code name and the number of states there are. —Greg Gutfeld

It's still freezing in New York City. It's so cold even the chalk body outlines in the park are shivering. —Greg Gutfeld

Scientists have created an artificial tongue that uses AI to detect food spoilage and contamination. The tongue can also detect very lonely scientists. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Lingering Awkwardness (as if Morrissey isn’t enough)

I read that Donald Trump raised a record $90 million in private donations to pay for his inauguration. Trump said, "Just another $10 million and we can cover my appearance fee." –Jimmy Fallon

The U.K. just appointed a “Minister of Loneliness,” as if Morrissey isn’t enough. --Jimmy Fallon

"It's rumored that Chris Christie and Mitt Romney are planning to meet to overcome any lingering awkwardness from the 2012 election. Incidentally, 'Lingering Awkwardness' was actually Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The agent has since been transferred to the Imperial Stormtroopers (Neither side is the answer)

According to a house report on Trump's attempted assassin Ryan Ruth, a secret service agent may have been only five feet away when he fired six times at Ruth and missed him every time. The agent has since been transferred to the Imperial Stormtroopers. —Tom Shillue     

New York city mayor Eric Adams met with incoming border czar Tom Holman to discuss the migrant crisis, pressures on infrastructure and challenges for law enforcement, barely leaving them enough time for a romantic Central Park carriage ride. —Tom Shillue 

This week Elizabeth Warren said that the murder of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson was wrong but people can only be pushed so far, which is the same thing Jill Biden says when approaching a staircase with her husband. —Tom Shillue   

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family (which is good, it was filthy)

The Trump campaign launched what they say will be a nightly show on Facebook Live called “Trump Tower Live.” Some people believe he’s starting to build a new channel called Trump TV, which is great news — finally we get a chance to see Donald Trump on TV. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Secret Service swept our building today — which is good, it was filthy. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dr. Ben Carson, for the first time ever, leads Donald Trump in a new national poll. According to the new CBS News/New York Times poll, Carson at 26 percent, Trump is in second place with 22 percent. Jeb Bush only has 7 percent. Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family, even below Billy Bush. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nope — just butts (having Gary Busey follow him around with some nunchucks)

A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams recently said that dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents, and trying to please us. Then dogs said, "Nope — just butts." –Jimmy Fallon

Now that the dust has settled from the Democratic debate, it looks like Hillary Clinton is going to remain the Democratic front-runner. And believe it or not over on the Republican side, Donald Trump is still in the lead. And now Trump is saying that he should be given Secret Service protection. As opposed to his current security: having Gary Busey follow him around with some nunchucks. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They really started to get worried when he didn't show up at the Clooney wedding (meatballs)

"Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama wants to put an end to the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military not to be confused with Dick Cheney's policy, 'Don't Look, Don't Aim.'" --David Letterman

"Nobody had seen North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for a week, then a month, and now six weeks have gone by and nobody's seen him. They really started to get worried when he didn't show up at the Clooney wedding." – David Letterman

"Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”