Friday, January 31, 2014

Joe Theisman delivered the Prostate of the Union

"In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they're still not going to watch curling." –Conan O'Brien

"Immediately after the State of the Union address, Joe Theisman delivered the Prostate of the Union." –David Letterman

"Oprah Winfrey is 60 years old today. All federal offices and banks are closed." –David Letterman 

I think he mentioned them by name

"A petition on the website asks the U.S. to deport Justin Bieber. If they get 100,000 signatures, the White House has to respond. They already have 87,000. The Canadian military is scrambling jets and mobilizing troops along the border to make sure this doesn’t happen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama asked that Americans pitch in and help those who are most down on their luck — like the Lakers. I think he mentioned them by name." –Jay Leno

"It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years." –Jay Leno

Who will be working on the choreography?

"The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie." –Conan O’Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in the news. He claims he found a way to bring in $50 million for Toronto. America will pay him to take Justin Bieber back." –Conan O’Brien

"The mayor of Sochi in Russia where they’re having the Olympics says there are no gay people in Sochi. Well, we can’t expect too much from the opening ceremonies then. Who will be working on the choreography?" –David Letterman

That’s doing the minimum for your wage

"We have Mitt Romney on the show tonight. We made him our first guest – you know, because he's still a little sensitive about coming in second." –Jimmy Fallon   

"In his speech tonight, President Obama urged Congress to raise the minimum wage. Now don’t confuse that with congressional minimum wage. See, that’s doing the minimum for your wage. That’s completely different." –Jay Leno

"The president’s State of the Union address was tonight. And just three weeks after the ‘Bridge-gate’ scandal, the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, was invited to attend the speech. When he heard that, Chris Christie said, ‘Good luck getting there.’" –Jimmy Fallon 

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Performing an exorcism on Justin Bieber

"Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey's Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he'll break open and spill out candy." –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope announced that he is coming to the United States. How about that? The purpose of this visit is to perform an exorcism on Justin Bieber." –Jay Leno

"This week in his inaugural address, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke of wanting to bring the people of New Jersey together. He wanted to bring them together by having them all try to merge into one lane." –Jay Leno


Monday, January 27, 2014

What would Anthony Weiner do now?

"According to a new study, smog is drifting across the Pacific Ocean from China and polluting our West Coast. Can't we make anything in this country anymore?" –Jay Leno 

"Here's something I find hard to believe. Anthony Weiner makes between three and four hundred thousand dollars a year as a political consultant. Anthony Weiner! How bad are you doing in the polls when you start saying to yourself, 'What would Anthony Weiner do now?'" –Jay Leno

"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water." –Conan O'Brien

He put his right hand on a menu

"We are so lucky to live here in California with a huge snowstorm back east. Actually, Governor Chris Christie is very happy about this weather. He's got something else to blame the road closures on." –Jay Leno 

"Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis says Governor Chris Christie canceled a position for him when he did something Christie didn't like. When asked what he did, Lewis said 'a sit-up.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Earlier today Governor Chris Christie was re-inaugurated. It was a beautiful ceremony. They even had that phony sign language guy. When Governor Christie was sworn in, he put his right hand on a menu. Immediately following the ceremony, Christie closed the Holland Tunnel." –David Letterman

Or as pizza delivery men put it, "Pray for us"

"New Jersey Chris Christie is still digging himself out of this scandal Bridgegate. In fact, some experts are now saying he could be impeached. When he heard that Christie said, 'Mmmm, peach." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks advanced to the big game, which means this year’s Super Bowl will have teams from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal. Or as pizza delivery men put it, 'Pray for us.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia." –Jimmy Fallon 

Monday, January 20, 2014

You don't want too many amateurs on in one night

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King Show, he's been on the Today Show. He was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman

"Some possible high profile targets are the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention. So in response, President Bush increased security at the following locations: the Republican National Convention." —Craig Kilborn

"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives

"Tomorrow Chris Christie is expected to unveil his agenda for this year. When asked what he's planning for next year, Christie said, 'I'll close that bridge when I get to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. It's pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie continues to push his agenda. Today he proposed a longer school day for children in his state. In fairness, kids in New Jersey probably need a longer day since their buses spend three hours stuck on a bridge." –Jimmy Fallon

The White Castle at exit 8

"People investigating the Chris Christie bridge scandal say the governor could be removed from office. Critics say moving Christie from office would involve a three-ton construction crane." –Conan O'Brien

"Some New Jersey Democrats have started an investigation to get Chris Christie out of the governor's mansion. And by governor's mansion they mean the White Castle at exit 8." –Conan O'Brien

"People are saying Governor Chris Christie is not fit for office. So they'll have to widen the door again." –David Letterman

Do you know what his least favorite card game is?

"Christie apologized and promised the bridge will stay open for cars, trucks, and the buses he's throwing his staff under." –Jimmy Fallon

"We are learning more and more about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Do you know what his least favorite card game is? Bridge!" –Jay Leno

"Yesterday after his press conference about the big traffic scandal, Chris Christie traveled to Fort Lee, New Jersey, to personally apologize to the mayor there, but it took longer than he thought. Apparently traffic was a nightmare." –Jay Leno

He seems like a pretty bouncy person

"People are saying that if he let his aides close down the George Washington Bridge, Christie could be unfit for office. And I said, 'Hey, the guy could be unfit for his pants. What about that?'" –David Letterman

"Chris Christie is embroiled in a scandal involving lane closures near the George Washington Bridge. The scandal could damage Christie's chances of getting nominated for president in 2016, but he'll probably bounce back. He seems like a pretty bouncy person." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP." –Jimmy Fallon

The Velveeta cheese shortage

"Chris Christie is dealing with a scandal after it was revealed that a top aide shut down access to the George Washington Bridge to get back at a mayor for not endorsing him. Christie was furious when they blocked the bridge. He thought they said they were blocking the fridge." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie doesn't know yet if he's running for president in 2016. I guess he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it." –Jay Leno

"After his denial, Christie quickly left the news conference to deal with a more personal crisis: the Velveeta cheese shortage." –Jay Leno

Thursday, January 9, 2014

All your sides are wonderful, sir

"The president of the United States of New Jersey Chris Christie is in hot water. Ok, hold on, I just pictured him in a hot tub. Shake it off." –Stephen Colbert

"Rest assured I'm going to go extremely easy on Christie because I'm a commuter and do not wish to get on his bad side. Not to imply he has a bad side. All your sides are wonderful, sir." –Stephen Colbert

"Chris Christie is being accused of getting back at a political rival by blocking access to the George Washington Bridge. Christie said, 'I never blocked access to the GWB, I blocked access to a KFC.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A member of Congress said that unemployment benefits basically pay people to not work. He said the only people who should be paid for not working are members of Congress." –Conan O'Brien

You can't say power hungry without hungry

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Chris Christie was having a feud with the mayor of Fort Lee Jersey, so he closed down the George Washington Bridge. It was traffic snarled up for hundreds of miles, day after day. I'm telling you, this guy, you can't say power hungry without hungry." –David Letterman

"How petty, Christie's having a feud with the mayor of Fort Lee, closes down the George Washington Bridge. Honestly, I thought this guy was bigger than that." –David Letterman

Yeah yeah, heard you the first time

"Donald Trump says today's cold weather proves there's no global warming. Strictly speaking, global warming doesn't mean every day it's going to be raging hot or that every day is hotter than the year before. It's the same way that 'Celebrity Apprentice' doesn't mean you're going to see actual celebrities." –David Letterman

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he's facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is 'not that bad.' Even Kim Jong Un was like, 'Uh, yeah, it kind of is.'" –Jimmy Fallon

My God, this guy is a lunatic

"There was a nuclear meltdown in North Korea today. But enough about Dennis Rodman." –Jay Leno

"Dennis Rodman has brought some former NBA stars to North Korea. Not to promote diplomacy – to avoid child support payments." –Conan O'Brien

"Dennis Rodman had a media meltdown. During a satellite interview from North Korea, Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, 'My God, this guy is a lunatic.'" –Conan O'Brien

Steven Seagal is considering running for governor of Arizona

"Actor Steven Seagal says that he is considering running for governor of Arizona. It’s looking pretty good. They said if the election were held today he would actually beat Dolph Lundgren." –Jay Leno

"Liz Cheney has decided to pull out of her Senate campaign race in Wyoming — thus making her the first Cheney with an actual exit strategy." –Jay Leno

"In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone – known as 'Siberia.'" –Jay Leno

One month left to stop being gay

"The Supreme Court has halted gay marriages in Utah. The Supreme Court said that in Utah marriage is still a sacred bond between a man and his six wives." –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow marks the one-month countdown to the Winter Olympics in Russia. Vladimir Putin said, 'Athletes, you got one month left to train — and gay athletes, one month left to stop being gay.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Winter Olympics are around the corner. President Vladimir Putin says people will be allowed to protest the Winter Olympics as long as they stay in a designated protesting zone. When they asked where the zone is located Putin said, 'Poland.'" –Jimmy Fallon    

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Until they realized it was just a live press conference

"CBS cancelled its miniseries on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called 'historical inaccuracies.' The RNC also objected to the networks unflattering look at George Bush, until they realized it was just a live press conference." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which." –Dennis Miller

Mentally exhausted, he collapsed into a chair

"On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"It was a big, huge, powerful win for the Republicans, and now they're saying that the Democrats could not articulate a message. You know you're in trouble when you are out-articulated by President Bush." —David Letterman, on the 2002 midterm elections

"In a speech Thursday, President Bush urged Middle Eastern countries to modernize, saying 'modernization is not the same as Westernization.' And then, mentally exhausted, he collapsed into a chair." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein!

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" —Jay Leno

"Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go." —Jon Stewart