Sunday, August 31, 2014

Hey, I must still be president

"There's now speculation in Washington that President Bush is now planning to increase the economic sanctions on Iraq. And let me tell you if they are half as tough as the economic sanctions Bush has imposed on this country, they are screwed." —Jay Leno

"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial." —Bill Maher

"Things do not look good. The economy's gone south, we're at war, people are out of work. In fact, George Bush Sr. picked up the newspaper and thought, 'Hey, I must still be president.'" —Jay Leno

Oh, wait a minute. That's her father.

 "President Bush's daughter Jenna was cited for underage drinking. That's too bad, when you see something like that happen. She was apparently slurring words, couldn't remember the alphabet. Oh, wait a minute. That's her father." —David Letterman

 "Jenna and Barbara Bush celebrated their 21st birthday last week with a party at the Cheers Shot bar in Austin. Following Bush tradition, the drinking started at 5 p.m. and will end in 19 years." —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush's twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, turned 21 on Monday. After receiving their birthday cake, Barbara and Jenna made a wish and then blew a .25 on the breathalyzer. ... The White House would not release a statement on how the twins celebrated the milestone, but they did say Dick Cheney's undisclosed location was totally trashed." —Craig Kilborn

Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?

"President Bush this week said that between going to war and raising twins, he'd pick war. His daughters Jenna and Barbara then sent him a big bag of pretzels for the Super Bowl." —Dennis Miller

"Newsweek magazine says that President Bush is determined not to make the same mistakes as his father did, you know like letting his kids get involved in politics." —Jay Leno

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno

Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer

"Did you see President Bush land on the aircraft carrier? President Bush told reporters on the carrier after he landed that the pilot actually let him fly the plane for a little bit. In a related story, Dick Cheney said that he once let President Bush run the country for a few minutes." —Conan O'Brien

"You probably all heard about President Bush's nickname for Vladamir Putin, Pootie-Poot. See, he likes to give nicknames to everybody. He calls his dad '41', because he was the 41st president, and he calls Dick Cheney 'Boss.'" —Jay Leno

 "As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings." —Craig Kilborn

I can't tell if he's president or filming a feminine hygiene commercial

"The Washington Post reported that if you add up all the time Bush has spent in Texas, he's there for a whole month. Then you add up all the time he spends at Camp David, and his parents house in Maine and add up all the travel time getting to and from these places, and it adds up to 42 percent of his presidency. In fact, he'd actually have to win a second term just to complete his first term." —Jay Leno

"How many of you get a month vacation? Well President Bush will be getting his month-long vacation. The White House is calling it a 'working vacation.' And I am thinking, well that pretty much describes the entire presidency, doesn't it? ... Bush says he is going to be very active, he plans to exercise every day. And he says he exercise every day because it clears his head. Hey, mission accomplished." —David Letterman

"You never see Bush in the Oval Office. He's always playing golf, or he's riding a horse in Texas, or he's playing tennis. You know? I can't tell if he's president or filming a feminine hygiene commercial." —Jay Leno

Friday, August 29, 2014

What does Iraq have in common with drinking beer in Texas?

"You never see Bush in the Oval Office. He's always playing golf, or he's riding a horse in Texas, or he's playing tennis. You know? I can't tell if he's president or filming a feminine hygiene commercial." —Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain recently compared the situation in Iraq to the Vietnam era — to which President Bush replied, 'What does Iraq have in common with drinking beer in Texas?'" —Craig Kilborn

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." —Jay Leno

Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.

 "In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." —Craig Kilborn

 "President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush said today he would like America to establish a permanent base on the moon. This is all part of his plan to get Americans used to an environment where the air is un-breathable and there are no trees." —Jay Leno

20 missing years

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno

"Bush has a new campaign slogan. It's 'Reformer with Results' Which I think is a big improvement on the old one: 'A Dumb Guy with Connections.'" —David Letterman

"George W. Bush has been invoking a lot of Bible imagery. He said Jesus also had 20 missing years and never held a job he couldn't get through his dad.'' —Jay Leno

So I guess the Bush era has begun..

"We've got drunk and drunker running here. I say we vote for Bush and Cheney just to get them off the damn highway." —Jay Leno, on revelations that Bush and Cheney have three DUIs between the two of them

"Both candidates are feeling the pressure....Al Gore has been testy with his staff and late today George W. Bush broke down and yelled at his parents, 'You promised!'" —Bill Maher, on the 2000 Florida recount

"There is still no winner. There is a state of confusion and not knowing in America. So I guess the Bush era has begun." —Bill Maher, on the 2000 Florida recount

For everyone who wondered what it would be like if Dan Quayle was president

"Well if you're just waking up, the election is over and we have a president, George W. Bush. This is nice, for everyone who wondered what it would be like if Dan Quayle was president, well, here you go." —David Letterman

"Dick Cheney has been on TV everywhere. He's doing press conferences, he's setting up the transition team back in Washington...What's Bush doing? Bush is relaxing on the ranch. Which guy had the heart attack?" —Jay Leno

"Earlier this afternoon, George W. Bush resigned as the governor of Texas. This is historic. It's the first job he's left without going bankrupt. It was a nice ceremony. The state of Texas said while he's president, they'll let him stop by every once in a while and execute someone." —Jay Leno

The winner will be watching it from Carthage, Tennessee

"Hillary Clinton met with incoming First Lady Laura Bush. They had tea. Actually, Laura Bush does have something in common with Hillary Clinton. She also has no idea what her husband is doing in the Oval Office." —Jay Leno

"He is the new president, although old habits die hard. It's funny with Bush. Now whenever the Secret Service knocks on the door, he keeps flushing stuff down the toilet." —Jay Leno  

"On Saturday, amidst pomp and extenuating circumstance, (Bush) will be sworn in as leader of the free world ... The only non-traditional element in this inauguration is that the winner will be watching it from Carthage, Tennessee." —Jon Stewart

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Our next dumb president from Texas

"Rick Perry, what a good-looking guy he is. As a requirement for being a Republican candidate for president, you have to look good in a mug shot. I hope this doesn't ruin his chances of being our next dumb president from Texas." –David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant. Honest to God, how many of you — other than losing a bet, how many of you would go to have a meal at Anthony Weiner's restaurant? Plus it's a drive-thru. You pull your car up, you roll down your window, and you scream your order right into his fly." –David Letterman

One away from the fun one

"Yesterday Egypt's foreign ministry called on the United States to show respect for the rights of protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, Egypt said that. Man, talk about living in glass pyramids." –Jimmy Fallon

"Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton. He turned 68 today, or as he calls, 'one away from the fun one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Disneyworld has become a popular location for Republican fundraisers. A favorite activity is to ride through It's a Small World and deport most of the dolls." –Conan O'Brien

Then Jamaica was like, 'You sure man?'

"Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted after he threatened to veto funding for a district attorney's office unless she stepped down. He's now the most controversial governor in the country – which is why today he got a gift basket from Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush announced he is against medical marijuana in the state because it could hurt the tourism industry. Then Jamaica was like, 'You sure man?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

Even worse news for my monologue

"A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. Yeah, it's bad news for Ford, and even worse news for my monologue." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Oh this isn't good. The Secret Service just arrested 13 people in New Jersey who were making counterfeit money. Which got worse when the counterfeiters said, 'Are you sure this isn't something a seven-dollar bill can't get me out of?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, August 15, 2014

Butter sculpture of Kevin Costner

"Since January, Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That's in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos. It goes hand-in-hand." –Conan O'Brien

"To commemorate the 25th anniversary of 'Field of Dreams,' the Iowa State Fair is displaying a 200-pound butter sculpture of Kevin Costner. Or as Paula Deen put it, 'If you build it . . . I will come.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry is fueling speculation that he'll run in 2016 by visiting the Iowa State Fair. Unfortunately, he hurt his chances by holding a two-hour conversation with that butter sculpture of Kevin Costner." –Jimmy Fallon 

A cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale

"Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won't have true peace in the Middle East until there's a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale." –Seth Meyers

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that he is still sober and he'll never be caught doing anything illegal ever again. Then he said, 'Unless someone's taping me. Then I'll get caught probably.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rob Ford also said that he is committed to living a healthier life, and his days of going to the liquor store are over. Which would be great, if he weren't addicted to crack." –Jimmy Fallon

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I hope they can get used to doing nothing

"Right now, available only in San Francisco, is an app where you can get marijuana delivered right to your door. Whoever pairs this with a pizza delivery app probably will get the Nobel Prize." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress is about to head off on their August recess, which seems appropriate. Adults go on vacation, children go on recess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing." –Seth Meyers

Are they there at all?

"Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what?" –David Letterman

"Members of Congress need to recharge their batteries for another year of gridlock." –David Letterman 

"Sometimes you wonder about these guys in Congress. Are they there at all?" –David Letterman

It's the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer

"Yesterday the House of Representatives voted to sue President Obama for abusing his executive powers. Experts are calling this a meaningless political stunt that's a huge waste of taxpayer money, while Congress is saying, 'Yep. That's what we do.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country's culture. It's the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer." –Jimmy Fallon

Monday, August 4, 2014

Since he was so used to dictating

"The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into 'buying papers.'" –Seth Meyers

"Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have released a new font in the style of his handwriting. Although I'm surprised he wrote anything by hand since he was so used to dictating." –Seth Meyers

"It's Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families." –Craig Ferguson

She took the time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment

"I have always been a huge fan of Sarah Palin. She's a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. I mean, in the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took the time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment." –Stephen Colbert

"Boehner said Republicans have no plans to impeach President Obama. They were like, 'We're too busy trying to figure out how to impeach Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

Either that or Pussy Riot shot it down

"U.S. intelligence now says that the Malaysian flight was definitely taken down by Russian separatists. But those Russians, they stick with that Soviet propaganda sh*t. Putin said today 'no, it's because one of the passengers turned on their cell phones. Either that or Pussy Riot shot it down.'" –Bill Maher 

"There's a twelve hour cease fire in the Middle East; otherwise known as reloading." –Bill Maher

"They are really debating the firing squad right now. Of course there are a lot of people on the other side who say this is cruel and unusual. Cruel and unusual? This is America. What's more usual than getting shot?" –Bill Maher on the debate over the death penalty and botched executions