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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle



"Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads." –Jimmy Fallon 




"Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us." –Jay Leno




"Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle." –Jay Leno 




John Hulse painting

In college he experimented with parting his hair to the left



"If you think that's bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left." –Jimmy Kimmel 




"The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn't talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza." –Jimmy Kimmel


"Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century." –David Letterman 




John Hulse painting

The lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet



"Herman Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon


"This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, 'I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet." –Jimmy Kimmel 




John Hulse painting

I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle



"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno




"I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, 'Well, if he's found guilty.'" –Jay Leno




"Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don't need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he's going to take that message across America to all 30 states." –Jimmy Fallon


John Hulse painting

I got you a very special package...



"The Republican candidates were asked to name their favorite movies. Ron Paul picked 'No Country for Old Men.' Rick Perry chose 'Clueless.' Michele Bachmann chose 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,' and Herman Cain chose 'Snatch.'" –Jay Leno




"Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday this month. I got you a very special package, mine." –Jimmy Fallon




"Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany's?" –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

Nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that



"Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he's the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing's for sure, nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that." –Jay Leno




"A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama's easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a 'gotcha' question. That's when you know things are bad: When you're attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media." –Jay Leno 




"The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up. I guess they figure, 'Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let's go down to 2 percent.'" –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

See, crime does pay...



"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno




"The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting." –Conan O'Brien



"The Occupy Wall Street people are so angry at Mayor Bloomberg and it's starting to look really bad for his seventh term." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

Mitt Romney has moved up to 40 percent in New Hampshire



"Mitt Romney has moved up to 40 percent in New Hampshire for two reasons: Herman Cain and Rick Perry." –Jay Leno




"Herman Cain is being criticized for his lack of knowledge on foreign affairs, but he denies that he lacks expertise in that area. In fact, today, Cain said when he becomes president, first thing he's going to do is go to Iraq, meet with Saddam Hussein personally, and get this whole thing worked out." –Jay Leno
 



"At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, Rick Perry said that no illegal immigrants would be allowed to attend. In fact, the event was held in an overgrown backyard with nobody to park the cars, and nobody to watch the kids." –Jay Leno 




John Hulse painting

Saturday, November 19, 2011

If you get it wrong, you were born here



"People say Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he's not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president." –Jay Leno
 



"Herman Cain's only real foreign policy experience is from when he ran the National Restaurant Association and had to deal with the manager from the International House of Pancakes." –Jay Leno 




"People attending a Rick Perry event in New Hampshire had to prove they were American citizens. They asked a math or science question and if you get it wrong, you were born here." –Jay Leno 




John Hulse painting

Paris's maximum capacity is 500 members



"Paris Hilton is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Paris's maximum capacity is 500 members." –Conan O'Brien






"The Republican Presidential candidates have really been fighting for attention this week. In fact, Rick Perry proposed cutting the president's salary in half. Yeah, Perry was like, 'What do I care? It's not like it'll affect me!'" –Jimmy Fallon




"In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he'd be 'Rocky Road.' I don't know, Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part." –Jimmy Fallon




John Hulse painting

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The cops were spraying for two



"Last night Occupy Wall Street protesters were removed by Cesarean. The Founding Fathers never intended indefinite free speech. They assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox." –Stephen Colbert




“Some have criticized pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two.” –Stephen Colbert




"It makes sense that Newt Gingrich is rising. He is the only candidate who appears to be made of dough." –Stephen Colbert




"Herman Cain's campaign insists there are more women out there waiting to charge him with harassment. They figure people can take a sex creep in the White House, but not someone who says, 'Libya, hmm,' and just sits there." –Daily Show correspondent on Herman Cain 

John Hulse painting

Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John



"Yesterday President Obama urged his supporters to watch the Republican debates. Though legally he was forced to add, 'But not while operating heavy machinery.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"Today Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all three branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all three branches of government." –Jimmy Fallon 




"Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, 'Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

Wall Street executives arrested: Zero



"They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero." –David Letterman




"One by one the Republican candidate potentials have been shooting themselves in the foot making huge, horrible gaffes and they just look silly. It's gotten so bad that President Obama is now worried he may actually be re-elected." –David Letterman




"Newt Gingrich is so confident about his chances that he's already working on his concession speech." –David Letterman

Clap if you like bacon!



"There was another Republican debate on Saturday, and listen to this: Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something." –Jimmy Fallon




"Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, 'That is ridiculous. Clap if you like bacon!'" –Jimmy Fallon 




"I am addicted to all the Republican Presidential candidates. They are all like crack, in that they will devastate black communities." –Stephen Colbert



Cain's in favor of waterboarding — as long as it is consensual




"Ron Paul's campaign is upset because during last week's Republican presidential debate, he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Meanwhile, Rick Perry's campaign is upset because during last week's debate, he got to speak." –Conan O'Brien 



 

"Herman Cain also says that he's in favor of waterboarding — as long as it is consensual." –David Letterman 




"People are still talking about Rick Perry's memory lapse. And it happened a couple of months ago too, when he had trouble remembering the name of his hunting camp." –David Letterman





Tuesday, November 15, 2011

A date so simple, even Rick Perry can remember it



"As if Cain's troubles couldn't get worse, today, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie accused Herman Cain of skimping on the pepperoni." –David Letterman


"Today is 11/11/11! A date so simple, even Rick Perry can remember it." –Jimmy Fallon 




"Yesterday, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters interrupted Michele Bachmann's speech in South Carolina. In response, Bachmann's supporters were like, 'Man, if we existed, we'd be so angry right now!'" –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

Which is never good news for Mrs. Gingrich...



"Someone told Rick Perry today that Obama, as he did, laid a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. And Rick Perry said 'See, he blanks on names too.'" –Bill Maher




"Rick Perry forgets his own talking points, Herman Cain forgets every woman he ever groped, Mitt Romney forgets he used to be for everything he is now against; they don’t need debates, they need ginkgo biloba." –Bill Maher




"It has gotten so bad in the party that Newt Gingrich is now starting to surge, which is never good news for Mrs. Gingrich." –Bill Maher 

John Hulse painting

What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry?



"Rick Perry debate performance? That was more than a brain fart. That was brain explosive diarrhea." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver




"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence." –Jay Leno




"Rick Perry also said the other night he wants to get rid of the Department of Education. Well, that's the problem with kids in America today. They're just too educated." –Jay Leno 




John Hulse painting

Monday, November 14, 2011

Or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians



"Most analysts agree the big debate winner last night was Mitt Romney, who stuck closely to his strategy of not being any of the other candidates." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Michele Bachmann says she won't rest until Obamacare is repealed. Or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians." –Jimmy Kimmel 




"If there's one thing I know about Rick Perry, it's that he doesn't go down without a fight and he's already turning last night's negative into a — I wouldn't say a positive, but a double negative." –Jimmy Kimmel 




John Hulse painting

And some third excuse he can't remember...



"After 30 seconds of stuttering, Rick Perry said, 'Oops.' Incidentally, saying 'Oops' after 30 seconds is why Justin Bieber has to take a paternity test. 'Oops' is the same thing being said by everyone who donated to Rick Perry." –Jimmy Fallon 






"Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney." –Craig Ferguson 




"I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember." –Craig Ferguson 

John Hulse painting

Turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor



"Tomorrow is 11-11-11! Or as Rick Perry calls it: '11-11-Wait don't tell me, I will get this. I know there is a third one.'" –Conan O'Brien






"There was an awkward moment when Herman Cain turned to Michele Bachmann and asked her what she was willing to do to get the job." –Conan O'Brien 




"Big news from last night's Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor." –Jimmy Fallon




John Hulse painting

Oh crap, what was three?



"The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain -- like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt." –Stephen Colbert 

"Today it's 61 and foggy, like Rick Perry. But it's nice to see a guy running for President who's only groping for words." –David Letterman




"I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three .. Oh crap, what was three?" –David Letterman




John Hulse painting

That means he's not even voting for himself


"As you know by now, a fourth woman has come forward and accused Herman Cain of sexual harassment. This woman gave the details, pretty graphic. She said that Herman Cain tried to put his hand up her. So now when Cain says he is reaching out to the American people, you know what he’s reaching for." –Jay Leno






"Earlier today Herman Cain rejected calls that he should withdraw from the race. He said, 'It ain't gonna happen!' That’s what he said. Ironically, that's what women say to him when he'd put his hand up their skirt." –Jay Leno




"Jon Huntsman, who is running for president, has 0 percent support. That means he's not even voting for himself." –Jay Leno 




John Hulse painting

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?



"There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Herman Cain held a press conference today to deal with the sexual allegations. [Showed Tiger Woods apologizing.] I'm sorry. We had the wrong tape. Did Herman's wife come after him with a 9-9-9 iron?" –Jimmy Kimmel




"Herman Cain held a press conference to address the sexual harassment accusations coming out of the woodwork. Incidentally, his woodwork coming out is one of the things he's accused of. His lawyer spoke, and then Cain took the podium, without asking the podium whether it wanted to be taken." –Stephen Colbert




John Hulse painting

Harass four, you get the fifth free!




"You're here on a special night because everybody in the balcony tonight is a Herman Cain accuser." –David Letterman



"Four women have accused Herman Cain of being inappropriate. That's got to remind him of the deal he offered back when he ran pizza joints: Harass four, you get the fifth free." –Craig Ferguson




"The latest castoff from 'Dancing With the Stars,' Herman Cain is here with us tonight. No, wait, I'm sorry. That's a joke from next year." –Jimmy Kimmel


John Hulse painting

Herman Cain's joining the T&A party



"Herman Cain is also taking some flack for saying that China was developing nuclear weapons, but they've had them since the 60's. I don't think he's that well versed on foreign affairs. Today a reporter asked him how he would handle Greece and he said he would put an extra layer of wax paper under the pizza before you put it in the box." –Jay Leno




"Big announcement from Herman Cain today. He's leaving the Tea Party and joining the T&A party." –Jay Leno 


John Hulse painting

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?



"Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'" –David Letterman




"All Herman Cain's woman trouble started when he was head of the National Restaurant Association, the NRA. He has 3 women accusing him. I think it's like carry-on luggage. You should only be allowed 2." –David Letterman




"This week, Mitt Romney's campaign sent out automated phone calls saying that Rick Perry is too soft on immigration. Yeah, the call was like, 'For English, press one. Para EspaƱol, go talk to your buddy Rick Perry.'" –Jimmy Fallon


John Hulse painting

Obama still has three chances to win...



"Political experts say that if Greece goes under, the world banks will go under, and then the U.S. economy will go under, and this will cost president Obama the election. But Obama still has three chances to win: Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, and Herman Cain." –Jay Leno 




"One of the Herman Cain women was paid $35,000 and another was paid $45,000, so he's saying it just proves he can create high-paying jobs for women. I'd like to see the women and find out what the $10,000 difference was." –Jay Leno



Blindfolded and nude for the next Republican debates!



"I have a lot of Herman Cain jokes but I cannot do them; I am bound by a confidentiality agreement." –Bill Maher 




"Some Godfather’s Pizza customers said they found it odd that he would tell them to hold the sausage." –Bill Maher on the sexual harassment accusations against Herman Cain 




"There are fourteen more Republican debates and they are running out of format. Next they are going to do one where they are in sleeping bags around the campfire and then one where they are blindfolded and nude and have to figure out who each other is by touching." –Bill Maher
 



John Hulse painting

Does Rick Perry look like he's smart enough to think of something like that?



"Herman Cain's campaign is claiming Rick Perry is behind all the leaking of the sexual harassment claims. I don't know. Does Rick Perry look like he's smart enough to think of something like that?" –Jay Leno




"More problems for front runner Herman Cain; now a third woman has come forward and accused him of sexual harassment. Apparently when Cain was president of the Restaurant Association he thought women were on the menu. He didn't realize." –Jay Leno 




"Turns out 999 was just Cain’s rating system: she's a 9, she's a 9, she's a 9." –Jay Leno 




"Of course, Cain still doesn't get it. Like he said he will address all these charges at a press conference tomorrow at Hooters." –Jay Leno 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

For an extra $20 they'll change positions



"Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions." –David Letterman




"People say that Rick Perry may have been drunk at an appearance. Well, take a look at those poll numbers. I'd be drunk too." –David Letterman 




"Governor Chris Christie wants to extend the seven train to New Jersey. When asked what's wrong with the Lincoln Tunnel, Christie said, 'You try squeezing through that thing.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"Herman Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian." -- Stephen Colbert


John Hulse painting

There is very little in the pizza world that is not sexually suggestive



"When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee." –David Letterman


"In Herman Cain's defense, there is very little in the pizza world that is not sexually suggestive." –Jon Stewart


"President Obama had his physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval rating down. He's fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that proves he's not an American." –David Letterman




John Hulse painting

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Finally, the Republican Party has a moderate in the race



"Texas had the Cardinals down to their last strike twice and they couldn’t execute. And that is a phrase I never thought I’d hear myself saying 'Texas could not execute.'" –Bill Maher




"Remember Terry Jones, the pastor in Florida who burned the Koran? That’s right; he is now a presidential candidate. You know what his platform is? Deporting every undocumented worker in America and imprisoning women who have abortions. Finally, the Republican Party has a moderate in the race." –Bill Maher




"Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen." –Jay Leno



Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Rick Perry is really getting desperate



"There's a guy that wants to be Superman so much that he spent a million dollars on plastic surgery so to look like him. I'm telling you, Rick Perry is really getting desperate." –David Letterman 



"A new poll released today by Fox News has former godfather's pizza CEO Herman Cain leading the Republican candidates for president. And he's the funniest candidate by about 40 points." –Jimmy Kimmel