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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Trump called George W. Bush the worst president in the history of the United States




"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them." –Jay Leno




"Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"General Electric did not pay any taxes at all last year. Of course that’s because G.E. reported its sale of NBC as a charitable donation." –Conan O'Brien




Monday, March 28, 2011

It turns out it was just a can of deodorant





"According to the latest reports, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic." –Jay Leno




"The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that." –Jay Leno



They literally do not know where babies come from




"A new poll shows that one of the major parties in this country – I won't tell you which one – is a majority birther party. That's right, more than half of Republicans now think Obama was born in Kenya. They literally do not know where babies come from." –Bill Maher




"Michele Bachmann says she will launch her Presidential campaign in either Massachusetts or New Hampshire as soon as she figures out which is which. There could be some eligibility problems for her. She has her birth certificate, but nobody can produce her high school diploma." –Jay Leno




"General Electric announced it made a profit of $14 billion last year and paid zero in U.S. taxes. How does this make Wesley Snipes feel? Had he just been making light bulbs instead of movies he wouldn’t be in prison now." –Jay Leno



We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got Gilligan's Island





"If Bachman and Palin get in to the presidential race, that's two bimbos. And there there's Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got 'Gilligan's Island.'" –Bill Maher





"For once, we’re not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We’re trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, 'reckless.'" –Bill Maher on the U.S. handling of Libya




"It's so fun to watch the Republicans be pro-bombing, but against Obama who's doing it. Newt Gingrich was so discombobulated this week, he made a pass at his current wife." –Bill Maher



As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?





"Seventeen days after Newt Gingrich insisted President Obama should establish a no-fly zone over Libya, he's complaining that Obama established a no-fly zone over Libya. It’s the same as Newt's policy on adultery. He can’t make up his mind." –Jay Leno




"House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that." –Jay Leno




"Michele Bachmann threw her hat into the ring. We think she's going to be running for president. For those who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. Michelle Bachman for President. As a comedian, all I can say is, where can I donate to this cause?" –Bill Maher



Luckily, the pilots were too drunk to notice





"How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One." –David Letterman




"A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Two passenger planes landed in Washington, D.C. with no assistance from a sleeping air traffic controller. Luckily, the pilots were too drunk to notice." –Jay Leno



We told everyone Tina Fey was coming...





"On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head." –David Letterman




"Donald Trump says that if he's elected president, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant." –David Letterman



What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator





"Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'" –Lewis Black




"Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem..." –Lewis Black




"According to reports, Khadafy is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien 

Or maybe for some strange reason they're just being paranoid






"We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a 'theater' of war but this is a multiplex." –David Letterman




"Sarah Palin visited Israel. As if the Jews have not suffered enough." –Jay Leno




"California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they're just being paranoid." –Conan O'Brien 

Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts





"The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts." –Conan O'Brien 




"Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien




"Sarah Palin visited Israel. She says she likes all religions, 'whether they celebrate Christmas or Jewish.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Poor people are putting bags of microwave popcorn on the windowsill





"A miniscule amount of radiation from Japan reached L.A. People panicked and ran out and bought gas masks and radiation suits. Then they went to the tanning salon." –Jay Leno




"Rich people are buying Geiger counters. Poor people are putting bags of microwave popcorn on the windowsill. If it starts popping, get the hell out." –Jay Leno




"The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it's the first military operation named after a stripper." –David Letterman



You can’t simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles





"Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an upcoming movie. They got an unknown to play Levi Johnston. It's Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno 




"We're at war? Again? Don't we already have two? Wars aren't like kids, where you don't have to worry about the youngest one because the other two will take care of it." –Jon Stewart




"And aren’t we out of money? You can’t simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles." –Jon Stewart



Julianne Moore has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin




"Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan, and she's demanding that we invade tsuanmi. She said these tsunamians will not get away with this." –Bill Maher





"Julianne Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in a TV movie. Remember how Robert De Niro had to gain 60 pounds to play the boxer Jake LaMotta? Julianne has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno




"Sarah Palin is going to Israel next week on a fact-finding tour. She wants to find out things like where is it and who's their king. She says she's very excited to visit the Wailing Wall, because whaling is illegal in Alaska." –Jay Leno



If that works, they're going to try that here on Charlie Sheen




"They said the radioactive plume came here today. Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and for once it wasn't your job." –Bill Maher



"The head of Tokyo Electric today broke down in tears during his news conference. But to keep that in perspective, he's known around the office over there as John Boehner-san." –Bill Maher




"They're using high-pressure water cannons and helicopters dropping seawater to try to cool down the reactor. And they say if that works, they're going to try that here on Charlie Sheen." –Bill Maher



Friday, March 18, 2011

He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off





"Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right." –Jay Leno 




"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart." –Jay Leno



"Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years." –Jay Leno

Those ankles are totally airbrushed




"Newt Gingrich has started a web site to gauge whether he should start an exploratory committee to determine whether he should run for President. This is just the type of firm, decisive leadership this country needs." –Jay Leno




"In a speech Obama said women earn 75 cents for each dollar a man makes, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Have you met Todd?'" –Jimmy Fallon




"Al Qaeda has launched its own womens magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed." –Jimmy Fallon



Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Apparently Newt misunderstood the phrase...




"In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'" –Conan O'Brien


"Charlie Sheen says he's going to go to Haiti: 'I want to show them what a real disaster looks like.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Los Angeles residents are going to vote on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes." –Conan O'Brien



It fosters a socialist anti-business environment that's worse than being dead




"They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives. Or as Republican here saw it, it fostered a socialist anti-business environment that's worse than being dead." –Bill Maher




"It turns out that the Republican budget that they submitted for next year slashes funding for the agency that issues tsunami warnings and organizes responses to the tsunami. In their defense, Republicans say that tsunamis are just a theory, they are not a real threat like ACORN, the Black Panthers, NPR, and math teachers in Wisconsin." –Bill Maher




"Gov. Scott Walker is the new conservative hero. He could get the nomination for the Republican Party in 2012 because he has that special quality that every member of the Republican base can relate to — he's a huge a**hole." –Bill Maher



Why those positions were so often on top of women who weren't his wife





"Congressman Peter King is holding hearings on the radicalization of American Muslims to determine why they feel alienated from American culture. Hopefully these hearings into why they're so dangerous will make them feel more welcome." –Stephen Colbert




"Newt Gingrich knows that before he throws his giant hat into the ring, he has to explain his past positions — specifically, why those positions were so often on top of women who weren't his wife." –Stephen Colbert




"Charlie Sheen — he's our new national pastime. Sorry baseball, call me when your foul lines are drawn with coke." –Stephen Colbert



Thursday, March 10, 2011

Your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag




"A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat." –Conan O'Brien




"Today the Italian Prime Minister underwent 4 hours of dental surgery. It was his 2nd-longest oral procedure of the day." –Conan O'Brien




"Airlines are considering charging for reclining seats. Also, your scrotum now counts as a carry-on bag." –Stephen Colbert

If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes




"This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: 'You're not going to believe what's happening with Charlie Sheen down here.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor." –Conan O'Brien




"Today residents of L.A. are voting on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes." –Conan O'Brien



In the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies




"Republican Presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News." –Jay Leno




"In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies." –Craig Ferguson




"I'm upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I'm no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker." –Conan O'Brien 



If you ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin was on coke





"New Rule: When you make stupid into an art form, it's not stupid anymore. We just found out that the "Sarah Palin" who writes Sarah Palin's Facebook page is a fake, but the real Sarah Palin has her own Facebook page, under a fake name. And sometimes the real/fake Sarah Palin praises the work of the fake/real Sarah Palin. It's like Inception for hillbillies. There's also a rumor that she doesn't really need glasses, she just wears them to look smart. And when she has them on, Todd doesn't know she's Superman" –Bill Maher


"One interviewer said, are you bi-polar? He said, 'I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there.' So yes, it's childish. It's needlessly defensive. It makes no sense. So if you ever wondered what it would be like if Sarah Palin was on coke, there you go." –Bill Maher, on Charlie Sheen

Monday, March 7, 2011

At which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya



"Charlie Sheen said that he's now more popular than President Obama, at which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya." –Jay Leno 



"Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control." –Conan O'Brien 




"A new report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.S. spends more than $5 billion on redundant government programs." –Jimmy Fallon 



Dude, have you seen Greg?




"A hydroponic marijuana store is being opened in California and is being called 'The Wal-Mart of Weed.' It's like a regular Wal-Mart except the greeter says, "Dude, have you seen Greg?" –Conan O'Brien




"A man in New Orleans wrote a new musical about Hurricane Katrina. It's so cool that FEMA says it plans on going to see it a week after it closes." –Jimmy Fallon

"Gov. Scott Walker's dispute with Wisconsin's labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he's attacking his own people. That's not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi." –Jay Leno



So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen's cocaine went




"Bristol Palin is releasing a book called 'Not Afraid of Life.' Meanwhile, Sarah Palin is releasing a book called, 'I'm Afraid of Books.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"Sarah Palin was so accomplished as Governor she graduated early." –Jon Stewart




"Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen's cocaine went." –Conan O'Brien


It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire





"A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it." –Jay Leno




"Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, 'Two and a Half Shiites.'" –David Letterman




"Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire." –David Letterman



Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The same thing happened to Maria Shriver





"'King Kong' opened 78 years ago. It’s the story of a woman that gets carried away by an ape. The same thing happened to Maria Shriver." –David Letterman




"CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen’s show, 'Two and a Half Men.' Now I’m back to being CBS’ No. 1 paid embarrassment." –David Letterman


"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman



It's going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell






"People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They’ve already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi." –Conan O'Brien 




"Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya's troubles. It's going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell." –Conan O'Brien




"People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, "How can we fix things in Wisconsin?" and someone else said, "I know. More cheese." –Conan O'Brien



He's now the Charlie Sheen of Libya



"Sarah Palin is going to a political conference in India next month. Palin said she's loved India ever since she saw 'Hoosiers.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He's now the Charlie Sheen of Libya." –Jay Leno




"Sarah Palin is going to India to make a speech. She’s hoping to visit some of those Indian casinos she’s heard so much about." –Jay Leno



Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The price of cheese is going through the roof





"The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and the President catching a recent episode of 'Glee.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Gas is so expensive now that BP actually started inspecting their oil rigs." –Jay Leno




"The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof." –Jay Leno





After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News





"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C." –Jimmy Fallon




"Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien 




"Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself." –Conan O'Brien 

They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers





"Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, 'Deal.'" –Jay Leno




"The Pentagon is testing a robotic hummingbird that can be used as a spy camera. They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers." –Jay Leno





"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. Prostitutes say they’re not going to take this lying down. For less than $50 bucks an hour." –Jimmy Fallon



Well, isn't that the morbidly obese pot calling the kettle African-American?





"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya." –Conan O'Brien




"Rush Limbaugh called Michelle Obama a hypocrite, criticizing her for eating ribs on vacation and said she isn't following her own dietary guidelines. Well, isn't that the morbidly obese pot calling the kettle African-American?" –Jimmy Kimmel




"Rush shouldn't talk. He would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them." –Jimmy Kimmel 

He'll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi




"Yemen's president says that despite protests, he won't leave office. His exact words were, 'The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.'" –Conan O'Brien




"People in Libya want Moammar Gadhafi to leave. The problem is, he'll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi." –David Letterman




"I'm glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn't we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait." –Craig Ferguson 



That's just a common fantasy of Republican men





"All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care." –Bill Maher




"New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men." Bill Maher


"Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day." –Conan O'Brien 



But he doesn't look a day over crazy...





"Kim Jong Il just turned 70 years old — but he doesn't look a day over crazy." –Craig Ferguson



"President Obama met with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in Silicon Valley yesterday. Zuckerberg said he could create new jobs. The bad news? They're all in Farmville." –Conan O'Brien





"The other day on 'Live With Regis and Kelly,' First Lady Michelle Obama said she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. Of course, she said, 'You can't go wrong with jewelry.' Lindsay Lohan said, 'Oh, yeah, you can.'" –Jay Leno