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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Negotiating a peace treaty between Gary Busey and Meatloaf


"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama needs to grow up. And then he burst into tears." –Jay Leno




"Donald Trump is now attacking President Obama's grades, suggesting that he was a poor student. First it was the birth certificate, and now the grades. Trump won't be happy until he proves that Obama doesn't exist." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Donald Trump says President Obama plays too much golf. Trump was playing golf during the interview. Trump says the President should be at work, like negotiating a peace treaty between Gary Busey and Meatloaf." –Jimmy Kimmel



They liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat




"A lot of people are worried about the safety of America's nuclear power plants. It's important to remember that we've never had a full meltdown. We came close with Charlie Sheen, though." –Jay Leno 




"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno 



"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His campaign slogan: 'Even I've never heard of me.'" –Jay Leno 

That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate





"Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress." –Jay Leno




"There's now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn't know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention." –Jay Leno




"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft. Which led President Obama to say, "That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate." –Jay Leno 

I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you





"They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas." –Jon Stewart




"In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words 'President Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson




"New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn’t want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you." –David Letterman 

Or as Republicans call it, health care...




"President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon 




"A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care." –Jimmy Fallon




"New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn’t that pretty much what prison is?" –Jimmy Fallon

That's where it gets interesting





"Michelle Obama said the most popular member of the family is their Portuguese water dog Bo. Donald Trump said, 'I want to see that Portuguese bitch’s papers.'" –Conan O'Brien


"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Because when the other candidates aren't generating enough excitement, it's time to bring out Gary Johnson." –Conan O'Brien




"His real name is Gary Hussein Johnson. That's where it gets interesting." –Conan O'Brien

Friday, April 22, 2011

That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals




"Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals." –Conan O'Brien 




"Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty, tough talk, and utter lunacy. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One." –Jimmy Kimmel



Trump once called Ronald Reagan a con man who couldn't deliver the goods




"Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head." –Conan O'Brien 




"Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen." –Conan O'Brien




"It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan a con man who couldn't deliver the goods.' Trump also called Abraham Lincoln 'a bearded moron who couldn't even sit through an hour of theater.'" –Conan O'Brien



Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans




"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." –Jimmy Kimmel




"President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's Bar Mitzvah certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel 



"Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Hispanic. Apparently there's something about those poor, defenseless piƱatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Uncle Sam isn't going to let banks screw people over




"Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, 'Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises.'" –Conan O'Brien




"The poker sites broke the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to offshore accounts. Now if there's anything I've learned, it's that Uncle Sam isn't going to let banks screw people over." –Craig Ferguson 




"Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One's full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry." –Craig Ferguson






So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage



"A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage." –Craig Ferguson


"NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this." –Conan O'Brien 
 



"President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, 'Ah, so he is a Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

Thursday, April 21, 2011

He's half jack and half ass




"Michele Bachmann said Planned Parenthood is the Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.' Which is a realy double-whammy because the conservatives hate Planned Parenthood and they hate Lenscrafters, because Lenscrafters makes glasses, and that could lead to reading." –Bill Maher




"The budget deal will cut almost $40 billion out of the budget. This of course is very bad news for poor people, health programs for the poor were cut $600 million; the EPA was cut $1.6 billion. The good news: they cut all the money out of repairing federal buildings. So there was a slight chance a wall will collapse on Eric Cantor." –Bill Maher




"Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'" –David Letterman

Are you better off than you were four wives ago?




"Barack and Michelle Obama will appear on Oprah's show soon. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump's hair will be making an appearance on Animal Planet." –Jay Leno




"Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"Donald Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?''" –Bill Maher




It's illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country




"Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome." –Craig Ferguson




"Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country." –Conan O'Brien 




"The air traffic controllers are sleeping, the TSA is groping you, and the pilots are drunk. Who would have thought the most reliable workers at the airport would be the baggage handlers?" –Jay Leno




Vote for me, I'm not Trump




"They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator." –David Letterman 




"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman 




"Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: 'Vote for me, I'm not Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson



Great campaign slogan: A complex world demands complex hair



"It's the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War. A new poll found that 23 percent of Americans sympathize with the Confederacy. They are described as 'not African-Americans.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman




"Hosni Mubarak was arrested near the Red Sea. They found him in hiding with his two sons, Hosni W. and Jeb." –David Letterman 

Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of American Presidents



"Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show." –Jay Leno




"Political experts are saying NBC should take 'Celebrity Apprentice' off the air because if Trump runs for president, he could use it as an unfair platform. Because nothing says 'leader of the free world' like someone who can't stop a fight between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey." –Conan O'Brien 



"'Hustler' publisher Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of American Presidents. The highlights are the chapter on Jefferson, the chapter on Garfield and the first 125 chapters on Clinton." –Conan O'Brien



It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction




"Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything." –Jimmy Kimmel 




"It looks like Mitt Romney will run for president. He announced that he's forming an exploratory committee. Doesn't that sound like something every man should have after 50?" –Jay Leno




"No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! Romney's gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. 'Mitt Romney: for when the moment's right.'" –Jon Stewart on Mitt Romney running for president


That's not the Donald Trump I know




"According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones." –Conan O'Brien




"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman




"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." –David Letterman 

I suppose China is beating us at that too




"America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at that too." –Stephen Colbert


"Glenn Beck retired or got fired and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?" –Bill Maher




"The only real difference between Glenn Beck and Paul Revere is that when Paul Revere told you the British were coming, they were, in fact, coming." –Jon Stewart

He just ran out of conspiracy theories



"Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn't want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories." –Jay Leno




"If there's a shutdown, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected." –Conan O'Brien 




"Donald Trump came in second place in a poll asking people who they want for president. I wouldn't get too excited. It was a poll of Democrats." –Craig Ferguson




You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach





"It turns out that Bristol Palin was paid 260,000 dollars in 2009 for her work with abstinence awareness. You know what they say: Those who can't do, teach." –Jimmy Fallon




"A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like." –Jay Leno




"President Obama said today that Americans are just going to have to get used to higher gas prices. To which Dick Cheney said, 'That's change I can believe in. I like this Obama guy.'" –Jay Leno



Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47




"Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel



"If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in 'Back to the Future 2,' when Biff was in charge." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among Tea Partiers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the Tea Party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47." –Jimmy Kimmel

Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico





"If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." –Jimmy Kimmel




"A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner." –Jimmy Kimmel 


"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head





"Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head." –Jimmy Fallon



"Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing." –Jay Leno




"Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he's leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales." –Conan O'Brien 

It’s as if cholesterol and bile had a baby





"Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma." –Conan O'Brien




"Barack Obama has finally thrown his turban into the ring. So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch." –Stephen Colbert




"I love Dick Morris. It’s as if cholesterol and bile had a baby." –Jon Stewart

See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does





"While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does." –Jay Leno




"Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper." –Jay Leno




"Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck's show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped." –Craig Ferguson



Why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?





"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien 




"It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?" –Jimmy Kimmel




"No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen." –Jimmy Kimmel




"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers


The hole that ripped through the fuselagewas not terrorism-related





"Fox News' Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him." –Jay Leno




"Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect." –Jay Leno




"Former first lady Laura Bush said in an interview that she and George W. Bush do everything together. Then she said she had to go because 'SpongeBob' was on." –Conan O'Brien 




When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain




"I've made a lot of jokes about Donald Trump running for president, but in all honesty, I'll be making a lot more." –David Letterman




"Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain." –Craig Ferguson





"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno




Monday, April 11, 2011

Just what Fox News needs, another blonde airhead





"The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers." –Bill Maher




"Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead." –Bill Maher




"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money." –Bill Maher



So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee




"Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee." –Jay Leno




"If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News." –Jay Leno 



"Sarah Palin said on Fox News that we are in a 'squirmish' with Libya. When she was corrected, she said, 'Listen, I shouldn't be expected to get everything 100 percent Accura.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka." –Conan O'Brien

Saturday, April 2, 2011

If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed






"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"Newt Gingrich said he's afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed." –Jay Leno



Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk





"Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations." –Craig Ferguson




"Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.'" –Conan O'Brien 




"Sarah Palin continues to make significant contributions to the English language. She asked, 'Is Libya a war, an intervention, a squrmish, what is it?' Squirmish is how I feel every time I hear Sarah Palin talk." –Jimmy Kimmel