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Monday, December 29, 2014

The move could have huge implications for your fantasy football teams



"President Obama announced yesterday that he's pardoning 12 convicted felons. Political experts say the move could have huge implications for your fantasy football teams." –Seth Meyers



"Russian President Vladimir Putin said at a press conference today that it was too early to decide if he will run for re-election in 2018. But he says it's not too early to decide how much he wins by." –Seth Meyers

"Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


And I hear in the film Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un (4 percent of chairs)


"A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27 percent of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie. And only 4 percent of chairs." –Seth Meyers



"After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Bill Cosby is at 17." –Seth Meyers



"Sony has canceled the big Seth Rogen movie, 'The Interview.' North Koreans hacked their email so Sony said, 'Now we can't show anybody the movie.' I'm disappointed. I think this is the wrong thing to do. And I hear in the film Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I heard he's so stressed out by this that he's been smoking marijuana (that's only because they escaped)



"Sony hackers are threatening to attack theaters that show Seth Rogen's new comedy about an attempt on North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un's life. In response, the big theater chains won't show the movie. They should be ashamed of themselves. The idea that there are North Korean terror cells in the U.S. is ridiculous. If there are any North Koreans in America, that's only because they escaped." –Jimmy Kimmel



"The message this sends is that if you really scare us, we'll do what you want. Poor Seth Rogen. I heard he's so stressed out by this that he's been smoking marijuana." –Jimmy Kimmel



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In return we sent back one of their shortstops (value of the ruble)


"Today President Obama announced that the U.S. is working to improve its relationship with Cuba in an effort to normalize full diplomatic relations. For instance, today they released one of our prisoners and in return we sent back one of their shortstops." –Jimmy Fallon

"Despite Russia's move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia's economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist." –Jimmy Fallon



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Second place went to 'Or else.'



"The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job." –Craig Ferguson




"Jeb Bush announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he's going to run as just 'Jeb.' He said, 'My last name? It's not important.'" –Seth Meyers




"President Vladimir Putin has been named Russia's man of the year. Second place went to 'Or else.'" –Seth Meyers



It will be like 1992 all over again except...



"Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab." –Craig Ferguson




"What is Jeb Bush's full name? Jebediah? Jebaroni?" –Craig Ferguson




"Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby." –Craig Ferguson




What language did his brother speak?



"Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse." –Conan O'Brien




"Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that? " –David Letterman




"I feel like Bush presidencies are like 'Godfather' films. You should stop at two." –David Letterman




the news left them shaken but not stirred



"During an interview, former President George W. Bush discussed his painting hobby and said, 'Never paint your wife or your mother.' Then he added, 'Because it's almost impossible to get the paint out of their hair.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie 'Frozen.' One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola." –Conan O'Brien




"The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred." –Conan O'Brien




Hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle



"Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey Bear said, 'Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well.'" –Jimmy Fallon


"The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle." –Conan O'Brien




"This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans." –Conan O'Brien


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

He wants to know what was going on, too.




"Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' —Conan O'Brien



"President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." —David Letterman




"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense — he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman

and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier..



"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"




"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey





Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo



"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." —Conan O'Brien


"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman




You don't want too many amateurs on in one night



"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien



"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman



"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman




Of course not, he avoided Vietnam (Hey, who elected you president?)



"A fiery Al Gore called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and CIA Director George Tenet. Bush was furious. He said to Gore, 'Hey, who elected you president?!'" —Jay Leno

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman



"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman




Monday, December 22, 2014

After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'



"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"'American Idol' got a record 65 million votes. In fact today, Bush and Kerry started taking singing lessons." —Jay Leno

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien




a 30-second head start...



"President Bush said last night that they'll be a new president in Iraq. In fact to give him a chance they're going to give him a 30-second head start." —Jay Leno

"Some possible high profile targets are the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention. So in response, President Bush increased security at the following locations: the Republican National Convention." —Craig Kilborn


"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman

We're in deep Shiite



"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman



"President Bush announced his plan for Iraq. He called for the rebuilding of a wrecked economy, getting international cooperation and bringing in new leadership. You know, the same thing Kerry is calling for here." —Jay Leno


"So far opinion is split on the president's plan. Republicans say the outlook is Sunni, or as Democrats say, we're in deep Shiite." —Jay Leno





The book is way better than the Presidency



"I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency." –Jimmy Fallon


"He's like an old pair of slippers, this guy. Like a gift you didn't particularly want. Wasn't really a good fit. Started a war between your pants and your shirt. But you had them for eight years, and that's something. In hindsight, they did keep your feet slightly warmer than -- ah, f**k it, I never liked those slippers." –Jon Stewart, on George W. Bush
  

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman

No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it



"Former President George W. Bush will be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water-boarding the veal cutlets." –David Letterman

"No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it." –David Letterman

"President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober." –Jay Leno 

Well, it’s unanimous



"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we've learned it’s that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert


"In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous." –David Letterman
 

waterboarding a veal cutlet



"In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush has just released his new memoir 'Decision Points.' It's 512 pages long. But to be fair, half those pages are just games and puzzles. In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King Show, he's been on the Today Show. He was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

Who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?



"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David Letterman

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman

"But the guy, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe he is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe." –David Letterman 


Thursday, December 11, 2014

Honorable mention goes to whoever has to announce them



"Time magazine has named Ebola healthcare workers as their person of the year. The Ebola workers were very excited when Time magazine gave them the news – via Skype." –Seth Meyers



"Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them."–Seth Meyers


It was not a member of Congress



"Time magazine named their person of the year today. It was not a member of Congress." –Jimmy Kimmel




"This year, the person — it's persons, and those persons are the Ebola fighters. The people who were on the front lines, working to keep Ebola contained. I think it's a very good choice. Congratulations, guys. I'd love to shake your hands, but you know…" –Jimmy Kimmel




"This will be the first time an acceptance speech has included the phrase, 'We couldn't have done it without Ebola.'" –Jimmy Kimmel




I had more leg room in the womb



"Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, 'No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you.'" –Conan O'Brien




"A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'" –Conan O'Brien




"The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup." –David Letterman




even Ebola is more popular than soccer



"Time magazine has named 'Ebola Fighters' the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, 'Oh no, we'll just mail them to you.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer." –Jimmy Fallon




"Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has 'come around' to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there's anything that says you're qualified to be president, it's your own mom saying, 'I guess you could do it.'" –Jimmy Fallon





They're made out of people who ask too many questions



"McDonald's released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of chicken. They're made out of people who ask too many questions." –Conan O'Brien




"A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on." –Seth Meyers




"The woman gave birth in the middle of a flight. I'm happy to report that the mother and child are doing fine, while the guy who was sitting next to her is not." –Seth Meyers



We have to wait to see what the replay says



"Every year Americans spend millions of dollars on Christmas gifts for their pets, which makes no sense to me. Your pet doesn't know it's Christmas. In fact, your pet doesn't even know it's a pet, so giving your cat a sweater is about as useful as giving your microwave a hat." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he's out, but another ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says." –Jimmy Fallon




"Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor." –Conan O'Brien





So now can we take a lunch break?





"This is official today. China has surpassed the U.S. and now has the No. 1 economy in the world. After hearing this, China's children asked, 'So now can we take a lunch break?'" –Conan O'Brien




"The birthrate in the United States is at an all-time low. Whereas our death rate is still holding strong at 100 percent." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration." –David Letterman



Friday, December 5, 2014

A picture of what his face would look like if he said no



"Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?" –Conan O'Brien




"The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'" -Craig Ferguson




"Vladimir Putin bribed a soccer official with a Picasso painting so he would support Russia's bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Putin was like, 'It wasn't Picasso, just picture of what his face would look like if he said no.' (Nose over here, eye up here, ear in forehead.)" –Jimmy Fallon


Thursday, December 4, 2014

Uh, make the sidewalk lower?



"The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, 'Uh, make the sidewalk lower?'" –Jimmy Fallon




"It's the 105th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It's all Lincoln this, Lincoln that, Lincoln with his big hat, oh sure! But you know who the unsung hero is? Lincoln's cue card guy." –David Letterman






"Today is Vice President Joe Biden's birthday! Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake, and then he remembered it was his birthday." –Seth Meyers