DNA kits (Really?)

Donald Trump is out in front of the pack again. According to a new Reuters poll he's in first place among likely Republican voters with 42 percent. Ben Carson is in second with just under 25 percent. Only 4 percent now say they would support Jeb Bush. That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's buttocks, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away. They're out there." –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Georgia, Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock are headed to a runoff election in December, which could decide control of the Senate. Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon (and world leaders in the audience laughed)

President Trump claimed that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, and world leaders in the audience laughed, though technically they were still laughing from when he said, "Hello, I'm the president of the United States." --Seth Meyers

New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it (the most embarrassing member of the Bush family)

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dr. Ben Carson, for the first time ever, leads Donald Trump in a new national poll. According to the new CBS News/New York Times poll, Carson at 26 percent, Trump is in second place with 22 percent. Jeb Bush only has 7 percent. Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family, even below Billy Bush. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again! (Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?)

Today, Dr. Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race after a dismal and ineffective campaign. He said, "The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again!" –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One of them even lost an eye... 26 (a solid 24)

In a recent interview, President Trump revealed he has only been sleeping four or five hours a night. While Ben Carson is still getting a solid 24. –Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh snap, it's Ben Carson (Or should I say, Men of the sea)

Donald Trump's inauguration day falls on Martin Luther King Day. And if Doctor King were alive today, I bet Trump would walk right up to him and say, oh snap, it's Ben Carson. —Michael Che

President Biden announced that a Navy aircraft carrier will be named in honor of Bill Clinton. The carrier will also honor Bill Clinton by being covered in semen. Or should I say, Men of the sea. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover (Hey, what does this button do?)

Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?” –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

Officials in Florida yesterday pulled over a woman who was hiding a foot-long alligator in her yoga pants. To be fair, it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why is this happening to me? (there's a 40-40 chance)

An early copy of The New York Times best-seller list obtained by Buzzfeed shows Ben Carson's "A More Perfect Union" is edging out Donald Trump's "Crippled America." And a little further down the list is Jeb Bush's "I Don't Want to Do This Anymore." I highly recommend chapter three, "Why is this happening to me?" –Seth Meyers

"This weekend George W. Bush said it's a toss-up whether his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Bush said there's a 40-40 chance." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family (which is good, it was filthy)

The Trump campaign launched what they say will be a nightly show on Facebook Live called “Trump Tower Live.” Some people believe he’s starting to build a new channel called Trump TV, which is great news — finally we get a chance to see Donald Trump on TV. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Secret Service swept our building today — which is good, it was filthy. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dr. Ben Carson, for the first time ever, leads Donald Trump in a new national poll. According to the new CBS News/New York Times poll, Carson at 26 percent, Trump is in second place with 22 percent. Jeb Bush only has 7 percent. Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family, even below Billy Bush. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is (We totally caught ourselves by surprise)

“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel

Jeb Bush had a very rough night last night. He finally got time to say what he wanted, and how did he use it? He attacks not Donald Trump, not Hillary Clinton or Ben Carson. Of all people, he attacks Marco Rubio for missing votes in the Senate. Which is something that literally no one outside of Florida cares about. It was embarrassing. And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened (And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised)

Taylor Swift announced she is launching a new app called “The Swift Life” that will feature “Taymojis,” which are emojis that look like her. And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised. –Seth Meyers

Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye’s Chicken and told the gunman, “I believe you want the guy behind the counter.” So we know at least one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson. –Seth Meyers

The New Yorker today released audio of fired Hollywood movie producer Harvey Weinstein begging a model to come into his hotel room and watch him shower. And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He comes off like a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby's house (sending a message)

Ben Carson did not make a particularly strong impression last night. Ben Carson, to me, comes off like a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby's house. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis just got a used car, a 1984 Renault with 190,000 miles on it. The Pope said he wanted an old car so he could drive around listening to his Billy Idol cassettes." –Jimmy Kimmel

Among seniors 65 and older, monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent. That's just Willie Nelson. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, other than games one, two, four and five, they crushed it (Bit-O-Honey)

Despite losing control of the House, our president took a victory

lap last night. President Trump called the results very close to a

complete victory for republicans. Yes. In the same way the

World Series was very close to a complete victory for the

Dodgers. I mean, other than games one, two, four and five,

they crushed it. They won. --Jimmy Kimmel

A new Quinnipiac University poll came out yesterday that shows Donald Trump back on top of Ben Carson, 24 to 23 percent, and Jeb Bush is now down to only 4 percent. More people picked Bit-O-Honey as their favorite Halloween candy than support Jeb Bush for president. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a stunning abuse of power (Rock Sand)

It was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by Donald Trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article written by Dr. Ben Carson days before. People first became suspicious when Trump’s op-ed began, “As a black doctor…” --Seth Meyers

March Madness began today with top seeds going to Duke, Gonzaga, Virginia, and, in a stunning abuse of power, Trump University. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again! (Get In Loser)

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Dr. Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race after a dismal and ineffective campaign. He said, "The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again!" –Conan O’Brien

The Las Vegas airport has asked passengers to dispose of their marijuana in a special box. In a related story at Las Vegas airport today, Willie Nelson was found hiding in a box. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And, if you’re a 14-year-old boy, use bleach (a solid 24)

The New Hampshire primary was today and in Dixville Notch, the first town to complete voting, Republican candidate John Kasich won, beating Donald Trump by just one vote. Honestly, I’m kinda surprised Trump didn’t win in a place called “Dixville.” –Seth Meyers

In a recent interview, President Trump revealed he has only been sleeping four or five hours a night. While Ben Carson is still getting a solid 24. –Seth Meyers

Today was Clean Out Your Computer Day. And, if you’re a 14-year-old boy, use bleach. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like popping an Ambien before you watch the Weather Channel (Oh my God, where do we send the check?)

Let’s talk about Donald Trump, because we do it every night. He said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN laughed it off, saying, “We don't have $5 million.” CNN was like, “Fine, we'll just let Jeb Bush talk for two hours — oh my God, where do we send the check?” –Jimmy Fallon

The other big news is that Trump appointed Ben Carson as his secretary of Housing and Urban Development. That means Trump talked with Ben Carson and Al Gore on the same day, which is kind of like popping an Ambien before you watch the Weather Channel. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This is the first time the phrase “Well, it’s not brain surgery” is actually a bad thing (this is your captain speaking)

"Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane." –Jimmy Kimmel

"No one in the media is giving Herman Cain credit for having been faithful to the same mistress for 13 years." –Jimmy Kimmel

Ben Carson, in case you don’t know, is a former neurosurgeon with no experience in Housing or Urban Development. This is the first time the phrase “Well, it’s not brain surgery” is actually a bad thing. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?" (Libya Newton-John)

Donald Trump is out in front of the pack again. According to a new Reuters poll he's in first place among likely Republican voters with 42 percent. Ben Carson is in second with just under 25 percent. Only 4 percent now say they would support Jeb Bush. That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?" –Jimmy Kimmel

I think Donald Trump will drop out once he finds out how much money the president actually makes. I think he pays his hair flap engineer more than $400,000 a year. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya yesterday and then tried to cover by saying, 'Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”