Sunday, October 30, 2011

You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top.

"Rick Perry is now behind in the polls and he's not taking it well. Today he executed his pollster." –David Letterman

"A couple of days ago they found (Moammar Gadhafi) hiding in a storm sewer, and they pulled him out and killed him. In three years, he would have been eligible for his pension! Yep and he left his entire wardrobe to Lady Gaga." –David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn’t have to lead us." –Jay Leno

"According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

Perry said 'I'm not one of these 'word talkers.'

"A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He's going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn't a steak." –Jimmy Fallon 

"In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said 'I'm not one of these 'word talkers.''' –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery." –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse painting

He believes that taxes should be flat, just like the earth.

"Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?" –David Letterman

"Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair." –David Letterman 

"A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, 'I didn't even know the guy was Jewish.'" –Jay Leno 

"Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that taxes should be flat, just like the earth." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

At no time did she treat them like gays or Latinos

"This is reported to be the 12th time Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they're going to take part in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. The only similarity to the actual Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann's campaign is in a lot of trouble. Five staffers quit her campaign, claiming it was because she treated them like second-class citizens. However, Bachmann said, 'That's not true. At no time did I treat them like gays or Latinos.'" –Conan O'Brien 

Well, you know what they say, the third apocalypse is the charm...

"The guy who killed Gadhafi was wearing a New York Yankees cap at the time. So, for at least one Yankees fan, it turned out to be a pretty good October." –Jay Leno 

"I just read that a bear broke into a candy store in Tennessee and started eating all the candy. That's right, a live bear filled with candy. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'the best piƱata ever.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"The world was supposed to end Friday. I don't think it did, though. Harold Camping also predicted the apocalypse was going to happen back in May and I don't think that one happened either. Well, you know what they say, the third apocalypse is the charm." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The only threat to our way of life now is from Bank of America (What's with the stink eye?!)

"Out badass ninja black president did it again. Don't f**k with this guy. So far this year he's killed Somali pirates, he killed bin Laden, he killed al-Awlaki,, now he's killed Gaddafi. The only threat to our way of life now is from Bank of America." –Bill Maher

"They found Gaddafi in a hole with a gun and luggage, or as it's known here, the middle class." –Bill Maher

"The end of the war in Libya is good news for Obama and good news for Michele Bachmann. Now she doesn't have to find out where it is." –Bill Maher

"These Republicans, they will not give credit. They gave credit to the rebels, to the British, and to the French. But they would not mention the president. It was like they were on a game show and the password was 'Obama.' They're like the banks; they will not give a black man credit." –Bill Maher, on Gaddafi's death “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Thursday, October 20, 2011

As opposed to Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head

"Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eleven years of sleep." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda." –David Letterman

"Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has come out of nowhere to become the new front-runner. And believe me, Mitt Romney is worried. He's sweating like Rick Perry." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain is ahead with 27%, as opposed to Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head." –Stephen Colbert 

John Hulse painting

Let's bend over and take it, America!

"Now there's a pushback movement (against Occupy Wall Street). There's a group called the 53%. These are the people who say 47% don't pay any federal taxes (yeah, because they're f**king broke). The 53% say they barely get by, but they don't blame the banks. Their slogan is, 'Let's bend over and take it, America!'" –Bill Maher

"Bill O'Reilly calls them drug traffickers and crackheads, he says they're out here having sex outside at night. Bill O'Reilly – the only man in America who makes Andy Rooney seem hip. He also said they're practicing free love, as opposed to the kind Bill tried to practice and cost him a fortune in legal fees." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

He is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody

"Rick Perry has dropped 20 points in the polls in one week. They say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody." –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry got the date of the American revolution wrong by two centuries. What is it with the right wing? Michele Bachmann doesn't know where the 'Shot Heard 'Round the World' took place, Sarah Palin doesn't know why Paul Revere went on his ride, Rick Perry doesn't know that 1776 happened in the 1700's. These aren't gotcha questions. I know this sounds mean about Rick Perry, but if he were a child, you'd leave him behind." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

That's gotta hurt a little...

"Big news in the Republican ranks, there is a new front-runner: Herman Cain. The Republican establishment is freaking out because their token black guy is in the lead now. It's like an episode of Star Trek where the black guy beams down to the planet and lives." –Bill Maher

"You got to feel bad for poor Mitt Romney. He's in their plugging every week, and every week somebody gets ahead of him. The people who have led Mitt so far: Donal Trump, then Michele Bachmann, then Rick Perry, now Herman Cain. He's been led by a reality show star, a crazy lady, a stuttering cowboy, and the guy who brings the pizza. That's gotta hurt a little." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

Friday, October 14, 2011

I never said I was a geology major...

"Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'" –Conan O'Brien

"At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they've been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny's across the street." –Conan O'Brien

"At one point, Rick Santorum was interrupted by a gay heckler. But then Michele Bachmann told her husband, 'Just shut up and sit down.'" –Jay Leno

"Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That's scary. What if they're spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?" –Craig Ferguson

Less government, more toppings

"Unemployed Americans are moving to China to find work. You need a fake i.d., not to say you’re Chinese, just to say you’re under 10 years old." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of 'less government, more toppings' has been well received." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Unless you're in a canoe...

"Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses." –Conan O'Brien

"Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe." –Jimmy Fallon 

"For tonight’s debate each Republican candidate was paired with a professional dancer." –David Letterman 

There's also a few napkins and crazy bread

"Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job." –Craig Ferguson

"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread." –Conan O'Brien 

"Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, 'Tim Pawlenty: This Time I'll Quit Later.'" –Conan O'Brien 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Who thinks they should change their name to B of A-hole?

"Yesterday on CNN, Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, 'Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That's right, a mythical creature who probably doesn't exist. Or as Republicans call that, 'a presidential candidate.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We found out why Sarah Palin won't run for president. She heard the job lasts four years." –Jay Leno 

"Because of Columbus Day all the banks were closed. And some of them are expected to open tomorrow. Even though Bank of America was closed, they still charged you the $5 debit fee. Who thinks they should change their name to B of A-hole?" –Jay Leno

But he could do it in 30 minutes or less...

"Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less." –Conan O'Brien

"California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up." –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry has admitted that he's so tired that he can't sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches." –David Letterman

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Kids get in free if they turn out to be his...

"On Tuesday New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he that he was not running for president. And then on Wednesday Sarah Palin also announced that she would not run. Palin said she would love to be president but she just couldn't handle the two-year commitment." –Seth Meyers

"Under Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that's his chances of becoming president." –Jay Leno 

"This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his." –Jay Leno 

"YouTube has launched a politics channel so that people can easily find videos of the presidential candidates. Today they posted their first video, 'Cat Winning a Debate Against Michele Bachmann.'" " –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

Or as it used to be called, The Glenn Beck Show.

"Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, 'The Glenn Beck Show." –Bill Maher

"If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen?" –Bill Maher 

"Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

As a comedian, I beg you to reconsider

"Very sadly, two days ago, the great white dope, Sarah Palin – yes, our long national nightmare is over – she said she would not enter the race. I am of two minds about this; as an American, I thank you Sarah. As a comedian, I beg you to reconsider." –Bill Maher 

"Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, 'If you don't have a job, if you're not rich, don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the banks, blame yourself.' And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, 'Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has fallen way down. He's got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney's problem. He's just too black." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

Which explains why her spellcheck had to be given CPR

"A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that 'less than no one' thinks they're doing a good job." –Jay Leno

"Last night Sarah Palin released a letter announcing that she will not run for president in 2012. That's right, Sarah Palin wrote a letter — which explains why her spellcheck had to be given CPR." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is not running for president, but she says she will help other candidates get elected. Yeah, those other candidates are named Barack Obama and Joe Biden." –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse painting

Why didn't you tell me that three years ago?

"Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected." –David Letterman

"Another huge setback for the Obama campaign today. Sarah Palin is not running for President. She couldn't find her birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Palin said she could help the country more by not running for president. Today, John McCain said, 'Why didn't you tell me that three years ago?'" –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Bad news for the moose population!

"Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Are you telling me that Sarah Palin driving around the country in a bus with a giant picture of her face next to the Constitution was just a giant publicity stunt? I find that hard to believe." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

and not because he’s … a horse

"Will Herman Cain become the first black President … that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he’s … a horse." –Stephen Colbert

"Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon

"The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It's kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot." –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse painting

He has a pulse and no visible cold sores...

"Sarah Palin announced she’s not running. Finally, a Palin who pulls out before it’s too late." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they’re saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He’d make a great one. I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell 'potato.'" –David Letterman

"Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 a.m. barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores." –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

It's a 10-way tie for Not Romney

"As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, ‘What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.'" –Jon Stewart

"Not only did Chris Christie say he's not going to run, he's also not going to jog or walk anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel 

 "Big changes in the Republican field. It's a 10-way tie for Not Romney." –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Today he freed all of the slaves on his ranch

"In a new interview, Michele Bachmann said that quote, 'China has blinded U.S. satellites with their lasers.' Which explains Michele Bachmann's new campaign adviser: Gary Busey." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Rick Perry is pretty serious about running for President. Today he freed all of the slaves on his ranch. Did you hear about that?" –Jay Leno

"Not looking good for Perry. In fact, earlier today, Herman Cain said that he would rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry." –Jay Leno 

"We're learning more about these Republican candidates. Did you know Mitt Romney speaks French? Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. Of course, Michele Bachmann was never able to learn a second language, thanks to a vaccine she was given against her will as a child." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

She said it's OK, as long as they don't get married...

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lost his laptop. In his lap." –David Letterman

"As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty." –David Letterman

"When Michele Bachmann heard Mitt Romney and John Huntsman were bilingual, she said it's OK, as long as they don't get married." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

Saturday, October 1, 2011

As rock solid as Taylor Lautner's yummy abs...

"Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he's not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa." –David Letterman

"Marcus Bachmann wrote an open letter to conservatives describing his wife Michele as 'rock solid.' It probably didn't help that he then added, 'As rock solid as Taylor Lautner's yummy abs.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered three statues of himself. Which seemed weird, because I thought he had a much more fun way to make duplicates of himself." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him 'the Antichrist.' The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting