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Friday, December 14, 2012

The best forecast ever! (flying drones drop burritos)



"According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat – which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican." -Conan O'Brien



"New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest." –Conan O'Brien 

"A company in California designed a flying drone that will drop burritos over your house using a parachute — or as Chris Christie calls that, 'the best forecast ever!'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”





If that is not the world's worst pep talk, I don't know what is (young Hispanics)



"Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao just before Pacquiao lost his boxing match to Juan Manuel Marquez. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, 'You lost for the same reason I did – young Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney, Snooki, and Steven Seagal were all spotted at the boxing match. The whole crowd was made up of people we won't remember in three years." – Conan O'Brien

"Did you see the big fight this weekend? It was the first time that Manny Pacquiao got knocked out. Mitt Romney came by to meet him and he actually said, 'Hello, Manny. I ran for president. I lost.' If that is not the world's worst pep talk, I don't know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”




Al Qaeda's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family (knocked out by Latinos)



"Al Qaeda's number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today Al Qaeda's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family." –Jay Leno



"Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Now Romney and Pacquiao have something in common. Both ended up getting knocked out by Latinos." –Jay Leno



"Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he's taking steps to run for president once again. He says he's seeking the presidency for three reasons. He can remember only two of them, but he is seeking it." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


More bad news for Republicans (stop splashing)


"Mitt Romney got a job. He's working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing." –David Letterman 

"According to a new study at UCLA, Latinos live longer than non-Latinos. More bad news for Republicans." –Jay Leno





"Arnold Schwarzenegger has committed to appearing in at least one new "Terminator" movie. In the next movie, Arnold from the future will time travel to the past and tell Arnold from the past to wear a condom." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”





Monday, December 10, 2012

He's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein (return that Oval rug you ordered)


"They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president f the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered." –David Letterman



"Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels." –David Letterman



"A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he's at it again because he's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  


Thursday, December 6, 2012

Next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup (I understand there's some trouble?)


"Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you're the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup."  –David Letterman



"Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'" –David Letterman



"Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”



The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites



"General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story." –Jay Leno 




"Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, 'You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien




"A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites." –Conan O'Brien




John Hulse painting


He better hope they're brain donors



"Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can't create jobs? There's one right there." –Jay Leno




"I think it's great that Romney's getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout." –Jay Leno




"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno




John Hulse painting



Monday, December 3, 2012

Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity




"Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that's when you  know you're rich – when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day." –Jay Leno



"President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, 'So how much do you want for the place.'" –Conan O'Brien


"The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said 'Romney has no dignity.' Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity." –Conan O'Brien







It's a love pentagon




"President Obama is in town today. He's visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he's visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that's a different story." --David Letterman




"Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." --Conan O'Brien




"A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying 'step off or I will cut a bi-atch.' And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon." --Stephen Colbert



John Hulse painting

It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants



"Folks, I'm no fan of 'Sesame Street.' They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting." –Stephen Colbert


"A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car." –Jay Leno




"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." –David Letterman 



It’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes




"Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters." –Conan O'Brien


"The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes." –Jimmy Fallon 



"A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She's so mad that Romney didn't win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove's wife." –David Letterman




Just the Tip



"CIA director General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In.' Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip.'" –Seth Meyers 

"Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio." –David Letterman



"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." –Jay Leno 





What Ambien looks like in book form



"According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?'" –Jay Leno




"Mitt Romney's family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet."  –Jay Leno




"There's a video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video, he was like, 'What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?'" –Jimmy Fallon




"There's also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That's in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form." –Jimmy Fallon


John Hulse painting



THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen



"It's got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen." –Bill Maher




"All of the Republican men who talked about lady parts during the campaign, they all lost, including two seats in the Senate, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, while Claire McCaskill and Elizabeth Warren won. And you know what? After all this stupid rape talk, it is refreshing to see women forcing their way into men's seats." –Bill Maher




"Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me." –Bill Maher


John Hulse painting



Yeah, best money I ever spent



"Karl Rove said today that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her Facebook page yesterday. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever spent." –Bill Maher, referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama Super PAC




"The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama's dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it's time to take a shower." –Bill Maher




"Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat – Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof." –Bill Maher 


This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama



"I know why you’re happy tonight. Your uterus is safe for another four years. How about that? Mormon has broken, and we are black in the saddle again." –Bill Maher




"No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney's health care plan." –Bill Maher




"This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, 'Hollywood.'" –Bill Maher




Monday, November 12, 2012

What the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses



"They are still counting votes in Florida. They're still counting votes even though the election is no longer in doubt and the people who cast them are no longer living." –Conan O'Brien




"Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien




"I always wonder what the day after the election is like for the candidate who loses. You get so close to becoming the most powerful person in the world and just like that, you wake up hoping to get a call from 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jimmy Kimmel




"I'm checking for updates on the campaign's 'I'm with Mitt' app. It still works, and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for Mitt Romney. I tweeted this one today – 'I'm With Mitt.' Then later, 'I'm Standing With Mitt.' And eventually, 'I'm In The Fetal Position With Mitt.'" –Stephen Colbert




Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life'



"It has been two days, and Florida still hasn't finished counting all the votes from Tuesday night's election. Of course, it's gonna be weird when they're finally done and they're like, 'The winner is – Al Gore?'" –Jimmy Fallon




"On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"A lot of people are still coming to grips with Mitt Romney's loss. It was reported that the morning after the election, Mitt Romney's family gathered to share a gallon of chocolate milk. In other words, they took it much harder than we thought." –Conan O'Brien 


He aint' gonna win that one either



"There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house." –Jay Leno




"It's tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one either." –Jay Leno



"The rumor is that Diane Sawyer allegedly had been drinking on election night. In fact, today Mitt Romney called and said, 'You got any left?'" –Jay Leno





41 percent of Rommney votes were named either Osmond or Romney



"Here's what they're saying was Mitt's problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I'm sorry, that's me." –David Letterman




"Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I'm saying, 'What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That's not the Republicans I know." –David Letterman




"Here is an interesting fact about Tuesday's election. It seems 41 percent of Rommney votes were named either Osmond or Romney." –Jay Leno






He just sits in a darkened room watching...



"I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden." –David Letterman




"Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney" –David Letterman




"I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney – and he seems like an upbeat guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over." –David Letterman




"His wife Ann said, 'Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money.'" –David Letterman





Thursday, November 8, 2012

Hope and Pinot Grigio!



"President Obama defeated Mitt Romney last night. We know this for sure despite the fact that the returns from Florida still have not been counted. What goes on in Florida? They had four years to fix this. We need to make sure Florida never gets the Olympics." –Jimmy Kimmel




"Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, 'Hope and Pinot Grigio.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"The president also got help in the election last night with 70 percent of the Jewish vote. When Jewish voters heard their support for Obama was so high, they were like, 'Eh, coulda been better.'" –Jimmy Fallon




John Hulse photography



Mitt Romney waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech



"Mitt Romney waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech. They were talking to him and said what are you going to do now? And he said, 'I plan to spend some time with my tax returns.'" –David Letterman




"Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free." –David Letterman

"I really think in all of what happened yesterday, the only person who should be considered a 'loser' is Donald Trump. I'll tell you why. He went on Twitter demanding a revolution. So far no one's listened to him — because he's Donald Trump! After that, Trump tweeted, 'The world is laughing at us.' I'm thinking, No, Donald. The world is laughing at you and this is why. It is because you're wearing an orange face and a crazy wig. This is the uniform the world over of a clown! Nobody laughs WITH the clown. They laugh AT the clown. Then when the clown gets angry, it is funnier." –Craig Ferguson 

John Hulse photography

Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote





"It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama was on the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote." –David Letterman




"Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool." –David Letterman




"A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters." –David Letterman




"They had a CBS exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving." –David Letterman




John Hulse photography

Today Delaware confessed to being bi-curious



"Yesterday was a historic day. Everyone marked it in different ways. A Kenyan woman gave birth to twin boys and named them Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Obviously she named the one that came out second Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien




"Yesterday Maine and Maryland approved gay marriage. And today Delaware confessed to being bi-curious." –Conan O'Brien




"Well, it's over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won." –David Letterman 

John Hulse photography

He can still run for president of the Cayman Islands



"Actually I thought Mitt Romney was very gracious last night. He gave a very touching concession speech. And the good news for Romney is that he can still run for president of the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno 

"After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys." –Conan O'Brien




"Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney." –Conan O'Brien




John Hulse photography


Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution



"Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama's Electoral College records." –Jay Leno




"Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man's a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don't call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution." –Jay Leno

"This morning the stock met plunged over 300 points. You know why? Romney pulled his money out." –Jay Leno




John Hulse painting


he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1% (beating Romney by 11 binders)


"Congratulations to President Obama on being re-elected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare." –Jay Leno

"Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders." –Jay Leno



"Some more good news – the President Obama announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump." –Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Relaxing with a fatty



"Even Chris Christie looked pretty good, and I loved it that Obama was with him all weekend. And it really helped Obama because Obama said he learned something in college: Nothing takes your mind off hard times like relaxing with a fatty." –Bill Maher




"Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He's urging voters and all Americans on Saturday to turn your clocks back to 1954." –David Letterman 




"Good news for the Republicans: Once the polls close on Tuesday, they’ll be able to bring out Paul Ryan again. He’s been hiding with Mitt Romney's tax returns." –David Letterman




John Hulse painting



Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it



“Forget ideology. Mitt Romney is just always wrong about everything. He was wrong about bin Laden, he was wrong about FEMA. He said only a few months ago we should get rid of FEMA and let private enterprise handle disaster relief. What a great idea. Of course, on Wednesday he released a statement saying no, he loves FEMA now. I tell you, if you think a super storm is bad, if Mitt and anti-Mitt ever met, the universe would implode." –Bill Maher




"Did you see Romney packing up canned goods for victims. The people in New Jersey were like, 'What, make my marinara sauce out of a can? What are you a f**king moron?" –Bill Maher




"What happened is Romney had a rally where they bought $5,000 worth of canned goods from Wal-Mart, handed them out to their supporters, and then had their supporters pretend to be giving them to the victims for the cameras. Because that's what Mitt is all about -- people. People pretending to help people. Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it." –Bill Maher




John Hulse painting



Obama approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up!



"Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they'd give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean." –Conan O'Brien




"Italy's former prime minster Sylvia Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican presidential nomination." –Jay Leno




“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up." –Bill Maher on Hurricane Sandy 

John Hulse painting


Releasing their strategic bladder reserves...



"Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina." –Jimmy Kimmel



"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." Stephen Colbert

"The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. That's why I'm calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves." –Stephen Colbert





"In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots." –Stephen Colbert


John Hulse painting