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Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The Thanksgiving Day Parade just got a few more clowns



In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, “Close enough! –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump was recently being interviewed, and said that he's not a fan of the man bun trend, and wouldn't want to wear his hair that way. You know it's bad when even Donald Trump is like, "I'm not putting that on my head." –Jimmy Fallon
I saw that NBC has officially granted Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore and Lindsey Graham free airtime to equal Donald Trump's recent Saturday Night Live appearance. When asked how they'll feature the candidates, NBC was like, “Let's just say the Thanksgiving Day Parade just got a few more clowns.” –Jimmy Fallon


15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs



Drug makers Pfizer and Allergan today announced a $160 billion merger. It’s the largest pharmaceutical merger since the one that takes place every day in Keith Richards’ stomach. –Seth Meyers
A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers


Hey, what does this button do?



Right now, all the ISIS Facebook accounts are posting messages like "Guys, I think I've been hacked. If you got a message from me saying, ‘I love America,’ that wasn't me. Clearly, I hate America. You guys know me." –James Corden
Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?” –Seth Meyers
After a protestor was assaulted at a Donald Trump rally this weekend Trump told reporters, “Maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing.” And he might have a point, because what the man was doing was attending a Trump rally. –Seth Meyers


We need someone on the inside



Prince William and Kate recently made plans for their baby daughter, Princess Charlotte, to join the Girl Scouts when she turns five. That's how good Girl Scout cookies are. Even royalty is like, “We need someone on the inside.” –Jimmy Fallon
The group Anonymous, an international network of computer hackers who attack websites and steal personal information in the name of justice, announced last week that they are going to war with ISIS. As if ISIS didn't already have its hands full, now they have to change all their passwords! –James Corden
So far, Anonymous has been responsible for the deletion of over 5,000 ISIS Twitter accounts. That's right. They're hitting ISIS where it hurts the most. Retweets. –James Corden


Way to go, Einstein.



I saw that one hundred years ago this month, Albert Einstein presented his theory of General Relativity, which explains how gravity works. And it also marks the last time someone actually meant it when they said, “Way to go, Einstein.” –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz's campaign announced that it's going to launch a national “prayer team” next month, where people will pray for Cruz to win. Then God said, “Oh I tuned out of this thing weeks ago.” –Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that her father loves eating at McDonald's. It makes sense, considering the “McFlurry” is also what Trump asks for when he goes to the barber. –Jimmy Fallon



Monday, November 23, 2015

More reviews...



My new book, John Hulse, Collected Poems 1985-2015 volume 1, will be out next week. Proceeds being raised for veterans issues including The Paralyzed Veterans of America. Thanks for your support and please spread the word.

Reviews:

I fully agree with Bukowski Lover's concise review. John Hulse does, indeed evoke the wordplay of the Late CB, but he brings an honesty and openness way to beautiful and fragile, so that you'll weep every time that pure sweetness meets the mean streets of this Reality we all share. He'll make you yearn for its Deliverance, and then, suddenly, you'll know what you must do to save it. ... and you're not alone... even if you feel like it. Hulse evokes here a sort of Matthew 5: 1-12 Beatitudes for our times, through deep-diving, immersive views into the world of Empathy and Mercy, and Compassion that are spell-binding in their simplicity.

This book should be included in the "Welcome to Humanity" Packets for all newcomers.

John Hulse is a true Master of the Word, and most tender of Champions for the Human Condition.

It made me blow the dust off my copy of Orwell’s 1984. An amazing compilation.
Susan Hampton, Edgewood Journal

An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
Kristina Betts, Lapel Review


Mr. Hulse displays a mastery of the foibles of humanity—specifically men. He’s got a sharp wit, a fresh an interesting take on relationships, and isn’t afraid to push the envelope with his content. His bio discusses his world travels and myriad life experiences, and this reader can’t help but notice how his past very obviously affects his work. It appears to be an organic evolution, because growth in technique, word selection, and image creation is evident throughout. A thoroughly entertaining jaunt through the mind of a man who is without doubt as interesting as his work.


Whenever I’ve had the opportunity to read Mr. Hulse’s work, I am
always struck by the mix of brutal honesty and humorous social
commentary. He hasn’t failed to impress with this latest release. His jabs at the evil of corporate America, his insights into the dichotomous nature of public America, and his humble and hilarious comments on his personal life never disappoint. His raison d’être is poetry, and this dedication is obvious. With the loss of so many great poets in the last 10 or 15 years, I am glad another voice is there to contribute to the art.


Saturday, November 21, 2015

Turns out, they contain a very dangerous substance called “SpaghettiOs.”



Campbell’s is recalling over 300,000 cans of SpaghettiOs. Turns out, they contain a very dangerous substance called “SpaghettiOs.” –Conan O’Brien
It's late November, the weather's getting crisp, and that can only mean one thing: It's time for People magazine's "sexiest man alive" issue. It's got David Beckham on the cover. Spoiler alert — he's sexy. I was a little disappointed to see that the only time my name appears in the magazine is on the address label. –Stephen Colbert


the Best Cigarette of Your Life day


A new poll released today shows Donald Trump is leading the Republican field with 24 percent. How far are we going to let this go? It's almost Thanksgiving. Trump is still leading. Next thing you know, he's winning Iowa, then he takes New Hampshire, then he somehow actually becomes the Republican nominee. And before you know it, Hillary Clinton is president! –Seth Meyers
Today is the Great American Smokeout day, which encourages smokers to try and go 24 hours without having a cigarette. Which means tomorrow is the Best Cigarette of Your Life day. –Seth Meyers



The Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted


If you think it's silly to ban a toy like hover boards, then you should check out Laurel, Mississippi, where the city's sheriff has put up 50 street signs in an effort to ban baggy pants. They spent actual taxpayer money on those signs. Unless the crime rate in Laurel, Mississippi is zero, this feels like a very weird thing for the police department to prioritize. Mississippi is an "open carry" state, which means you're allowed to carry a gun in public. So for those of you keeping track, AK-47, totally fine. Showing your boxers, "no, not in my town!" –James Corden
A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, "Trump's a racist." The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted. –Seth Meyers



Since when is looking at us not enough?



Hey, if you’re in a relationship, you might want to listen to this. A relationship expert just told The Washington Post that people who are in a relationship shouldn't reach out to ex-lovers on Facebook, because it can often lead to an affair. He also recommended not referring to anyone as your “ex-lover,” because it can lead to people around you gagging. –Jimmy Fallon
There is reportedly a shortage of turkeys this Thanksgiving. So it’s official, even turkeys don’t want to spend Thanksgiving with your family. –Conan O’Brien
Critics are panning Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new movie saying the film has "long stretches where nothing much happens." Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt responded, "Since when is looking at us not enough?" –Conan O’Brien


ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race



In his recent interview with GQ, President Obama said that he'd like to own an NBA team after he leaves the White House. You'll know it's Obama's team when it takes the players five years to pass something. –Jimmy Fallon
In a new interview, Tom Brady said he'll never get into politics because, "Half the people are going to like you and half the people are not going to like you." Or, as that's also known, SPORTS. –Jimmy Fallon
I want to say congrats to Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his fiancée, Nicole Johnson, who just announced that they're expecting a baby boy. So it looks like yet ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race. –Jimmy Fallon


Friday, November 20, 2015

Thanks!



Reviews

I fully agree with Bukowski Lover's concise review. John Hulse does, indeed evoke the wordplay of the Late CB, but he brings an honesty and openness way to beautiful and fragile, so that you'll weep every time that pure sweetness meets the mean streets of this Reality we all share. He'll make you yearn for its Deliverance, and then, suddenly, you'll know what you must do to save it. ... and you're not alone... even if you feel like it. Hulse evokes here a sort of Matthew 5: 1-12 Beatitudes for our times, through deep-diving, immersive views into the world of Empathy and Mercy, and Compassion that are spell-binding in their simplicity.

This book should be included in the "Welcome to Humanity" Packets for all newcomers.

John Hulse is a true Master of the Word, and most tender of Champions for the Human Condition.


John Hulse, Collected Poems, 1985-2015 volume 1



My new book, John Hulse, Collected Poems 1985-2015 volume 1, will be out next week. Proceeds being raised for veterans issues including The Paralyzed Veterans of America. Thanks for your support and please spread the word.




Thursday, November 19, 2015

Will someone please come hang out with me?



Donald Trump's support keeps growing, with the latest poll from New Hampshire showing him ahead by 22 points. That's higher than the age of his next wife. It's only slightly more than the number of candidates for president. –Stephen Colbert
Archaeologists in Israel have discovered an ancient formation as old as Stonehenge that’s known as the "Wheel of Giants." They claim that ancient locals used to gather around the wheel nightly and purchase vowels. –Conan O’Brien
Jeb Bush is on Snapchat. He's been on for a while because he's cool too. The Bush campaign launched a contest people can enter to win a chance to have dinner with Jeb Bush. The contest is called, “Will someone please come hang out with me?” –Jimmy Kimmel


Or as Trump calls it, “A naked dollar sign.”


Trump ran into a little trouble before a speech in Knoxville. Someone noticed that the sign in front of Trump's podium actually misspelled the word “Tennessee” and only had one “S.” Or as Trump calls it, “A naked dollar sign.” –Jimmy Fallon
Adele performed a free concert last night at Radio City Music Hall. Fans who missed it were sad, while fans who saw it were inconsolable. –Seth Meyers
A 50-year-old Washington man is facing assault charges after his neighbor says he swung a Klingon sword at him during an argument about trash. Man, if there was any time you’d think two neighbors would get along, it’s when they both know what a Klingon sword looks like. –Seth Meyers


World Vasectomy Day!



Governor Chris Christie said in an interview yesterday that New Jersey would not accept Syrian refugees. Which is too bad, because Syrian refugees would be the first people ever to arrive in New Jersey and say, “Hey, this is MUCH better!” –Seth Meyers
McDonald’s this week unveiled a successor to its Dollar Menu that will allow customers to pay $2 for two items, which include a double cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, small fries, or mozzarella sticks. They’re calling it the “Type 2” Dollar Menu. –Seth Meyers
Florida police arrested a woman this weekend in a storage unit facility after she had assaulted her husband during an argument over which sex position is best. She had argued for missionary, while he had argued for “in a storage facility.” –Seth Meyers
Friday was “World Vasectomy Day.” Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day. –Seth Meyers


Trump started building a wall around himself



Donald Trump went on Twitter today and mocked Ronda Rousey for losing her fight this past weekend. In response, T-Mobile's CEO said he'd pay to see Trump fight her in the ring — at which point, Trump started building a wall around himself. –Jimmy Fallon
Marriott reached a $12 billion deal to buy Starwood Hotels and Resorts, which now makes Marriott the world's biggest hotel chain. At first the deal only cost $9 billion, but then they celebrated with a tiny bottle of champagne from the minibar, made it $12 billion. –Jimmy Fallon


Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Just when you thought you couldn't love Aaron Rodgers any more



A pair of zebras got loose in downtown Philadelphia this weekend after escaping from a nearby circus. They were chased down and captured almost immediately by Eagles fans who mistook them for referees. –Seth Meyers
In a press conference after the game, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers had some words for the offending fan. Just when you thought you couldn't love Aaron Rodgers any more, he goes and throws in the words "prejudicial ideology." –James Corden


In related news...



Bernie Sanders announced today that he has joined Snapchat. Sanders said he’s excited to see his photos disappear, “JUST LIKE THE MIDDLE CLASS!” –Seth Meyers
In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said that mosques need to be “watched and studied,” because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied. –Seth Meyers
After one of Google’s self-driving cars was pulled over this weekend, the company released a statement touting that the cars have the human equivalent of 90 years behind the wheel. Which also explains why the left blinker was on for 17 miles. –Seth Meyers


That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?"



Not that anyone seemed to notice, but there was a Democratic debate on Saturday night. It was Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley, who is either a presidential candidate or an Irish pub where they all went to drink afterwards, I'm not sure. –Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump is out in front of the pack again. According to a new Reuters poll he's in first place among likely Republican voters with 42 percent. Ben Carson is in second with just under 25 percent. Only 4 percent now say they would support Jeb Bush. That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?" –Jimmy Kimmel
I think Donald Trump will drop out once he finds out how much money the president actually makes. I think he pays his hair flap engineer more than $400,000 a year. –Jimmy Kimmel


Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things




Lately, Trump has been pretty cranky about losing his lead in the polls over retired neurosurgeon and "Guy who sits next to you in an otherwise empty theater," Ben Carson. Evidently, people have been looking at Trump and thinking, "Maybe we shouldn't elect a man who shouts crazy things. Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things." –Stephen Colbert
Data from social media and Google showed that Bernie Sanders was the most talked about of the three Democratic candidates after the debate. Bernie came in first, Hillary came in second, — and somehow Martin O'Malley came in fourth. –Jimmy Fallon



Monday, November 16, 2015

I always assumed they used foodless food in their food




I read about a pub in England that has 15 cats that just walk around, so you can play with them while you drink beer. Customers said it's really fun and cozy, while the bar's owner…has been dead upstairs for months. –Jimmy Fallon
Check your calendars, Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I'm a little worried because there is a turkey shortage this year. There is an outbreak of deadly avian flu that killed eight million turkey. It's so sad to see so many turkeys dying in a way that doesn't render them delicious. –Stephen Colbert
That’s not the only thing the avian flu has cost us this fall because there's an egg shortage too, which has caused egg prices to rise 50 percent this year. It's gotten so bad that 7-Eleven has begun using eggless mayo in their food, which is a shocker. I always assumed 7-Eleven used foodless food in their food. –Stephen Colbert

Understand?



Tomorrow night is the second Democratic debate! It's the perfect way to spend a Saturday night if you're single. And it's raining. And every movie theater is closed. And you only get one channel. –Jimmy Fallon
This time, the debate will feature just three candidates: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley. Or as viewers call them, “Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Bathroom Break.” –Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Sanders got an endorsement from the American Postal Workers Union. Well, Bernie Sanders' neighbor got the endorsement, but it was meant for Bernie. He’ll get it eventually. –Jimmy Fallon


Saturday, November 14, 2015

Wait a second, you're telling me I could just be folding shirts?



It's got to be uncomfortable when your real mom notices all your shirts are ironed and your bed is made and goes, "Wait a minute — have you been seeing other moms?" –James Corden
Why is it that any time you have "Adult" before something, it immediately becomes creepy or sad or both? Think about it. Adult bookstore. Adult diapers. Adult Michael Jackson. –James Corden
You know somewhere out there, a prostitute is watching this, saying, "Wait a second, you're telling me I could just be folding shirts?" –James Corden


the crushing defense of the Los Angeles Little Mermaids



The CEO of Disney is now getting involved in bringing an NFL team to Los Angeles. So football fans, get ready for the crushing defense of the Los Angeles Little Mermaids. –James Corden
First Ben Carson said he attacked his mother with a hammer, now Ben Carson’s mother is saying she’s the one who attacked Ben with a hammer. I don’t know about you, but that’s going to be one awkward Thanksgiving at the Carson house. –James Corden
We all know being an adult is hard. When you were a kid, having your mom around made things a lot easier. Which is why one woman in Brooklyn is offering her services for $40 an hour as a rent-a-mom — sewing buttons on your shirts, baking your favorite dessert, and calling you at 6 a.m. on a Saturday because she can't remember how to set the DVR. –James Corden

A magisterial collection.
An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Why is this happening to me?



An early copy of The New York Times best-seller list obtained by Buzzfeed shows Ben Carson's "A More Perfect Union" is edging out Donald Trump's "Crippled America." And a little further down the list is Jeb Bush's "I Don't Want to Do This Anymore." I highly recommend chapter three, "Why is this happening to me?" –Seth Meyers
It was reported that the Republican candidates said Hillary Clinton's name more than 40 times during the debate on Tuesday. Though usually you only have to say it three times before she appears. –Seth Meyers
Donald Trump said in a new interview, "We started off with 17 and one by one they're disappearing. It's a beautiful thing to watch as they go out." Which begs the question, have we actually just been watching "The Apprentice" this whole time? –Seth Meyers


Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants.



After the debate this week, online polls show Donald Trump is still in the lead, but critics say the poll is unscientific. Because even science can't explain how Donald Trump is still in the lead. –Jimmy Fallon
In a recent interview, Donald Trump hinted that he might consider Chris Christie for his ticket if he wins the nomination. Not to be his vice president — to be his wall between America and Mexico. –Jimmy Fallon
I heard that a couple weeks ago, Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, “Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants.” –Jimmy Fallon


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Melania, keep clicking!



Jeb needed a big win last night but he really disappeared. He finished seventh of eight in total talking time. He was the least-Googled candidate in the debate. The only person who Googled Jeb Bush last night was his mother, Barbara, because even she forgot who he was. –Jimmy Kimmel
Ben Carson did say he's tired about answering questions about his personal history. The last thing Ben Carson needs is to be even more tired than he already appears to be. –Jimmy Kimmel
According to several online polls, Donald Trump was the winner of last night’s presidential debate. When reached for comment Trump said, “Melania, keep clicking!” –Seth Meyers
According to Politico, the new most-searched-for phrase associated with Jeb Bush is “is Jeb Bush still running for president?” Even worse, it’s the most-searched-for phrase on Jeb Bush’s computer. –Seth Meyers


reality TV show I would totally watch



Indonesia's anti-drug chief is proposing that the country puts narcotic offenders in a jail on an island surrounded by crocodiles. When I heard about the plan, I was shocked it came out of Indonesia, and not last night's Republican debate. –James Corden
The plan is to send the inmates food supplies every day but they will have to survive on their own. This already sounds like a reality TV show I would totally watch. –James Corden
In Indonesian prisons, if you break out of prison, I do not recommend telling your cellmates, "Later, alligator." Because after a while, you'll end up in a crocodile. –James Corden


It’s a Genius Bar, not a Guinness Bar.






Donald Trump said he got to know Vladimir Putin very well because they were on "60 Minutes" the same night, even though they were interviewed by different hosts in different locations. Then he said it was a pleasure to meet Flo the Progressive lady during the commercial break. –Conan O’Brien
It’s come out that many Christians who are angry about Starbucks' plain red holiday cup are now taking their business to Dunkin' Donuts. One pastor said, "The more we eat at Dunkin' Donuts, the sooner we get to meet Jesus." –Conan O’Brien
Apple announced a plan to create 1,000 new jobs in Ireland. Irish people were excited, until Apple told them, "It’s a Genius Bar, not a Guinness Bar." –Conan O’Brien


sad pussycat




Last night was the fourth Republican debate. And if you thought it was exciting to watch on TV, imagine being Jeb Bush watching the whole thing from his podium! –Jimmy Fallon
After some controversial statements recently, a lot of people had their eyes on Ben Carson last night. And at one point, he said that his 3-year-old granddaughter was at the debate because she said she wanted to go. And also because she's his most reliable fact-checker. –Jimmy Fallon
Last night, Donald Trump said that he actually supports Russia's fight against ISIS in Syria. Yeah, Trump teaming up with Putin. Or as that's also known, the best "Amazing Race" team EVER. –Jimmy Fallon

Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH


While we're taping this, the fourth Republican debate has not happened yet, but I'm kind of hoping they ask the other candidates what they would do if they had a time machine. Carly Fiorina would go back to that one week when she had great poll numbers. Just kidding — Carly Fiorina would go back to when she laid off 30,000 HP employees just to cackle and taste the blood again. –James Corden
Jeb Bush said in a new interview that if he could travel back in time he would kill Hitler as a baby, adding, “You gotta step up, man.” And it’s comments like those that have a lot of people telling Jeb, “You gotta step down, man.” --Seth Meyers
The fourth Republican debate was held tonight and Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee were demoted to the undercard event. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH. --Seth Meyers
Instead of canceling killer whale shows as previously reported, the CEO of SeaWorld clarified today that performances will continue but are being re-choreographed to reflect “conservation and a natural environment.” That story again: The killer whales have to learn a new dance. --Seth Meyers