That’s like giving Cruella DeVille the address of the local animal shelter (I think the system works)

There is news of Donald Trump’s latest gag order, in which the New York judge warned that Trump could lose access to his jurors’ names if he does anything to harm the integrity of the jury selection process. Why does he have access to the jurors’ names?! That’s like giving Cruella DeVille the address of the local animal shelter. —Seth Meyers

In a new fundraising email, Donald Trump Jr. warned that the New York attorney general, Letitia James, is trying to seize Trump Tower, and said that she is “seizing my boyhood home”. Boyhood home? It’s not a shack on the banks of the Mississippi! It’s weird to call something your boyhood home when it has a restaurant in the lobby. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m kidding – friends like each other (crashing with Rudy Giuliani)

“Donald Trump arrived in New York last night to stay at his possibly soon-to-be-renamed residence, Trump Tower, ahead of his appearance today in a Manhattan courthouse for a fraud trial, and I just want to say it’s really nice of him to come back to New York for our first show.” — Seth Meyers

“Trump might not even have the money to pay the penalty in his fraud trial, which means there’s a remote but realistic possibility that Trump Tower gets taken away, he has to sell Mar-a-Lago and he ends up crashing with Rudy Giuliani.” — Seth Meyers

“This ruling against Trump undercuts his entire mythology. Everything about him is a lie. Not only were his businesses and net worth inflated, but he even pretended that his own apartment was three times bigger than it actually was. Next we’re going to find out that he and Melania are just friends. I’m kidding – friends like each other.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? (they're just going to reboot the series without him)

According to a new CNN poll, President Trump's approval rating has fallen six points in the last month. If he gets any less popular, they're just going to reboot the series without him. --Seth Meyers

A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik’s cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket. –Seth Meyers

President Trump tried to have braille removed from the elevators in Trump Tower, because "no blind people are going to live in Trump Tower." Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Price of Apathy Towards Public Affairs (Vladimir Putin's smile)

Breaking story from the New York Times. The FBI was investigating whether Trump was working for the Russians. I mean, what tipped them off? Was it Trump's secret meeting with the Russians in the Oval Office, his son's secret meeting with Russians in Trump Tower, his lawyer's secret deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, Jeff Session's secret meeting with the Russian ambassador, Jared Kushner's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Michael Flynn's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Erik Prince's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Paul Manafort sharing secret polling data with the Russians, his foreign policy advisor's secret meeting with the Russians, the Russian hackers who helped Trump win, Trump asking the Russian hackers to help him win, or Vladimir Putin's smile every time he sees Trump? --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

But this counts for birthday and Christmas (his signature looks like a failed lie-detector test)

But Trump was threatening to shut down the government if Congress didn't give him $5 billion for a border wall. But now he says that he'll get the money somewhere else. Or as one guy in Moscow put it, "Ugh, I'll get my checkbook. But this counts for birthday and Christmas." --Jimmy Fallon

And get this -- On Sunday, Rudy Giuliani said that Trump never signed anything about building a Trump Tower in Moscow. But last night, CNN got a letter about the project with Trump's signature. It's not a good sign for Trump that his signature looks like a failed lie-detector test. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they just flipped off the king of Norway (Boring Miss Universe)

President Trump is in New York this week for the U.N. General Assembly — a large gathering of diplomats from foreign countries, or as Trump calls it "Boring Miss Universe." --Jimmy Fallon

There are lots of foreign leaders here in New York City for the U.N. It's that special time of year when New Yorkers get road rage, then realize they just flipped off the king of Norway. --Jimmy Fallon

While he's here, Trump gets to stay at his old apartment in Trump Tower. You can tell he's excited to be home, 'cause his little paws kept scratching at the front door before it was open. --Jimmy Fallon

Earlier today at the U.N., Trump said he's planning another meeting with Kim Jong Un. He'd actually meet sooner but Trump's waiting for Amazon to deliver their matching onesies. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? (I assume they meant with his makeup?)

President Trump tried to have braille removed from the elevators in Trump Tower, because "no blind people are going to live in Trump Tower." Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? --Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 11 percent of Americans say they view President Trump as very liberal. I assume they meant with his makeup? --Seth Meyers

An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay titled "How to Murder Your Husband" was arrested yesterday, for the alleged murder of her husband. But her lawyer is more concerned about her other essay, "How to Poison Your Lawyer." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

attorney-client privilege/30,000 emails/none of you can testify!

Yesterday, we finally got congressional testimony from Donald Trump Jr. His grilling by the House Intelligence Committee lasted roughly eight hours, making it the first time a Trump has put in a full work day. –Stephen Colbert

Now, Don Jr. is not a lawyer, but still claims attorney-client privilege because “there was a lawyer in the room during the discussion.” Is that how it works? In which case, I’m going to rob a law firm. “All right, everybody, hands in the air. Remember, none of you can testify!” –Stephen Colbert

Now, Donald Trump Jr. has long insisted that there was no follow-up to his meeting with Veselnitskaya. CNN got their hands on previously undisclosed emails that show a follow-up after the Trump Tower meeting. Wow. It seems like there’s no end to the number of emails Don Jr. is hiding. We need to see them all. Can anyone help? Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. –Stephen Colbert

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing? (poll numbers/wake up call)

Well, President Trump arrived in New York last night, and actually slept in Trump Tower. Yeah, when Trump asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his poll numbers. –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Un says he's decided not to fire missiles at Guam. Then Trump said, “You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing?” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills just joined SEAL Team 6

A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” just joined SEAL Team 6. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump and the first lady arrived in Paris today at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron. [shows clip of greeting] Last time they had a handshake it lasted longer than, like, two of Trump’s marriages, so all eyes were on this one. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

China presents Kim Jong-Un in Psycho (someone who isn’t the least bit surprised)

We learned yesterday that on June 9 of last year, Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer after being promised damaging information on Hillary Clinton. [Audience reacts] Yeah, you took the “Ooh” right out of my mouth. You could knock me over with ... whatever you use to knock over someone who isn’t the least bit surprised. –Stephen Colbert

The meeting took place at Trump Tower and included Jared Kushner and then-Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort — and proves that at least some in the campaign were willing to accept Russian help. So it’s not a smoking gun, but it IS a gun meeting with a Russian bullet about their mutual desire to smoke. –Stephen Colbert

Pretty damning, but Don Jr. has a good explanation: “It was a short introductory meeting. I asked Jared and Paul to stop by. We primarily discussed a program about the adoption of Russian children.” Yes, I think they were talking about the adoption of little Timmy Kislyak. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

And who do I make the check out to? (1 Million Volt stun cane)

As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York, or move into the White House. Said Melania, “And who do I make the check out to?” –Seth Meyers

Hawaii’s TSA recently seized a so-called “stun cane” from a passenger that is capable of delivering a 1 million-volt shock. To get an idea of what a 1 million-volt shock feels like, just remember what it was like to wake up on Nov. 9. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

They’re going to make so many documentaries about me (underwater numbers)

These congressmen are nervous because the Congressional Budget Office warned that “Trumpcare” could result in 24 million people becoming uninsured. Trump says the numbers were cooked up by the microwave that’s been spying on him at Trump Tower. –Jimmy Kimmel

In a new interview, President Trump predicted he would pass Richard Nixon for most appearances on the cover of Time magazine. Hey, dude, do you know WHY Nixon was on the cover so many times? “They’re going to make so many documentaries about me. I’ll bet I even pass Charles Manson.” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Our deepest apologizes. Well, apologizes accepted (secret room in Department of Education)

The Grammys were incredible — you want to talk about bold performances, CeeLo Green came to the Grammys dressed head-to-toe in gold. He looks like he escaped from a secret room in Trump Tower. –James Corden

Yesterday an official government tweet was posted for Black History Month, celebrating civil rights activist W.E.B. Du Bois. There were two problems with the tweet. One was Du Bois’ name was spelled wrong — and the other problem was the tweet was posted by the Department of Education. Now, I know Republicans don’t believe there should be a Department of Education but this seems like the wrong way to prove it. –James Corden

But it gets worse: They tweeted an apology for their mistake. It says, “Our deepest apologizes.” Well, apologizes accepted. –James Corden

I don’t know who at the Department of Education wrote this tweet, but whoever it is should have been held back a year. Or at least make them go back and repeat Black History Month. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Trump's toupee and Steve Harvey's mustache met for a play date (Lone Ranger)

After civil rights leader John Lewis called Donald Trump an illegitimate president, incoming chief of staff Reince Priebus claimed that Republicans never questioned the legitimacy of President Obama's election. And then President Obama sighed so hard his hair turned white. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump tweeted about Martin Luther King Jr. this morning, saying people should celebrate, quote, "All the many wonderful things that he stood for." He then quickly logged off before anyone asked him to name one. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump met with Steve Harvey at Trump Tower on Friday. Meanwhile, Trump's toupee and Harvey's mustache met for a play date. –Seth Meyers

they had to keep Shia LeBeouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government

This morning, the president-elect met at Trump Tower with Kanye West. You can tell it was a high-powered meeting because Kanye wore his formal sweat suit. –Stephen Colbert

Obviously, it’s a security risk gathering the two most powerful American narcissists in the same room. Just for security reasons, they had to keep Shia LeBeouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government. –Stephen Colbert

Today Donald Trump chose Rex Tillerson, Exxon Mobil CEO, as his secretary of state. I assume from now on, all gas stations are official U.S. embassies, which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a Slim Jim. –Stephen Colbert

Tillerson is an interesting pick. For one thing, he’s an oil main who believes in climate change. Well, of course he believes in it! He’s from Exxon — he INVENTED it. It’s pride of ownership. It’s his baby! –Stephen Colbert

a soft robot hand that can touch fragile items (That’s not important!)

This morning, Kanye West actually showed up to meet with Donald Trump at Trump Tower. People were shocked — they didn’t expect those two to meet until the first presidential debate in 2020. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump announced he’s nominating Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson to be his secretary of state, even though Rex supposedly has a friendly relationship with Vladimir Putin. Today, Rex said, “Putin and I aren’t friends,” while Putin said, “That’s SO something Rex would say.” –Jimmy Fallon

Apple just said its new “AirPod” wireless earbuds WOULD be available, after reports that they wouldn’t be ready for the holidays. When asked what happened, Apple said, “We finally found them behind the couch cushions.” –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers at Cornell University have invented a soft robot hand that can touch fragile items and even sense their shape and texture. When asked what they’ve used the hand for, researchers said, “That’s not important!” –Jimmy Fallon

To teach it how to beg and roll over, they actually brought in Mitt Romney

On the “Today” show this morning, Time magazine announced that Donald Trump is the Person of the Year. Then Al Roker said, “Now let’s check out the protests happening in YOUR neck of the woods!” –Jimmy Fallon

There are reports that Trump will be getting a Goldendoodle puppy when he takes office. To teach it how to beg and roll over, they actually brought in Mitt Romney. –Jimmy Fallon

A real estate agency that sells apartments inside Trump Tower is advertising the new 24-hour presence of Secret Service agents as a, quote, “new amenity.” While they’re advertising the eggs that hit your windows as “free grocery delivery.” –Jimmy Fallon

The secret service protecting Donald Trump might have to rent two floors of Trump Tower

Experts are warning shoppers to check the spelling of websites on cyber Monday because there are lookalike sites that try to scam you with a slight misspelling of a store's name. Yep, they said if you want more info on this, just look it up on Goggle. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump went on Twitter yesterday to claim that he actually won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of illegal voters and that any recount will change nothing. Speaking of nothing changing, Trump won and still says the election was rigged. –Jimmy Fallon 

The secret service protecting Donald Trump might have to rent two floors of trump tower, forcing taxpayers to pay $3 million in rent back to trump's company. Trump said that is absolutely not true and the rent is $4 million. –Jimmy Fallon

Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!” (even more Bush Red Ink)

A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!” –Jimmy Fallon

Right now, the focus is on who Trump will appoint to his cabinet. In fact, C-SPAN aired a live feed of the elevators at Trump Tower that captured potential cabinet members going up to meet him. It even caught the moment when Ted Cruz was approaching the elevator and everyone inside frantically hit the “door close” button. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, was being interviewed yesterday and said she’s “very confident” that Trump isn’t breaking any laws during his transition. Then Americans were like, “Uh . . . we weren't even suspicious until you said that." –Jimmy Fallon