idiocracy23: October 2017

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Hey, you know who else you should look at? (Behind the curtain)

Now what Trump is trying to do with all of these tweets is trying to put it off on Hillary. You can’t get investigators off your case by simply telling them to investigate someone else. That would be like if I got arrested for murder, and my entire defense was, “Hey, you know who else you should look at? O.J. Simpson.” –James Corden

Well, Trump was right. We have started saying Merry Christmas again. President Trump’s former campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, was charged today with 12 counts, including acting as an unregistered agent of a foreign principal, money laundering, and conspiracy against the United States. –Seth Meyers

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Are you ready to rock, San Antonio!? (click click click click)

After the charges were announced, Trump responded by tweeting: “Sorry but this is years ago before Paul Manafort was part of the Trump campaign, but why aren’t crooked Hillary & the Dems the focus?” Trump says it was years ago, but this was still occurring in 2016. Which means even Donald Trump can’t believe that Donald Trump has only been in office for a handful of months. –James Corden

Also, crooked Hillary and the Dems, I know there are larger issues here, but I just want to say, Crooked Hillary and the Dems is a pretty amazing name for a band, isn’t it? I would go see them. “I’m Crooked Hillary, these are the Dems. Are you ready to rock, San Antonio!?” –James Corden

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at least they get new breasts out of it (Dossier backfire)

Last night’s Astros-Dodgers World Series game took over five hours, and then L.A. lost. Usually when people from Los Angeles endure something for five hours, at least they get new breasts out of it. –Conan O’Brien

There was some huge news out of Washington, D.C., this morning. President Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, has been indicted by the FBI and faces 12 different charges in connection with the Russia investigation. Now there’s talk that Manafort didn’t really get it when the FBI showed up at his door. He handed out candy and was like, “And who are you supposed to be?” –James Corden

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And the rich will rejoice (cheeseburger emojis)

This morning, while CNN and MSNBC were covering the Manafort indictments, Fox News did a story about the cheeseburger emoji. Just to keep you up to date, the cheeseburger emoji is still claiming it did not collude with Russia to hijack the election. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, was charged with conspiracy against the United States. Apparently, his “conspiracy against the United States” was suggesting to Donald Trump that he run for president. –Conan O’Brien

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they had a hard time spelling “Papadopoulos” (I got the treats!)

Ivanka Trump had a surprise birthday party this weekend. Because if there’s one thing you want to do when everyone’s facing indictments is jump out and yell, “Surprise!” –Jimmy Fallon

Today another Trump adviser, George Papadopoulos, pled guilty to lying to the FBI about meeting with Russians in 2016. The FBI would have issued an arrest warrant sooner, but they had a hard time spelling “Papadopoulos.” –Conan O’Brien

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it’s all part of a new business strategy called fleeing the country (Plop!)

Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, was charged with fraud, tax evasion, and money laundering as part of the Russia investigation. I don’t want to say Trump’s nervous, but he just hopped into a white Ford Bronco and took off down the highway. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump Jr. and his brother Eric are going to India to launch real estate projects for the Trump Organization. Yeah, it’s all part of a new business strategy called fleeing the country. –Jimmy Fallon

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Jimmy Dore: Indictments In Trump Russia Investigation - What It Means

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Democracy Now!: Marcy Wheeler Says Indictments in Russia Probe Further Incriminate Attorney General Jeff Sessions

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RT America: Mueller knows exactly what he’s doing

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The Daily Show - Start Wars

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The Daily Show - Now That's What I Call Being Completely F**king Wrong About Iraq

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Forget Manafort, Trump Should Be TERRIFIED Of Papadopoulos' Plea

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The Beatles - Revolution

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The Beatles - I Want To Hold Your Hand - Performed Live On The Ed Sullivan Show 2/9/64

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The Beatles- She Loves You (1963 Live)

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The Beatles - Twist & Shout - Performed Live On The Ed Sullivan Show 2/23/64

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Seth Meyers: Mueller Indicts Three Former Trump Officials In Russia Investigation: A Closer Look

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The whole time he was copping a feel, he was actually feeling a cop (striking a blow for freedom)

"Have you heard the latest on men's room enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig? He has taken back his guilty plea. He's changed it to just curious. Have you heard his defense? Senator Craig now says his arrest has to be overturned because under the Constitution -- and this is true -- a senator cannot be arrested on his way to or from the Capitol if they are on official business. So apparently, he was striking a blow for freedom." --Jay Leno

"It's kind of ironic. The whole time he was copping a feel, he was actually feeling a cop." --Jay Leno

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Stephen Colbert: 'Tis The Season For Treason: A Very Mueller Christmas

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You think that's true? Explain Congress! (timetables)

"Here's an interesting story: President Bush got in a very testy exchange with the president of South Korea over North Korea. The South Korean President wants the U.S. government to officially end the Korean War, which was 55 years ago. We never officially ended that war. But you know President Bush, he doesn't like setting timetables." --Jay Leno

"According to University of Minnesota, buildings and ruins with high dome ceilings help people think better and help them think smarter. They say the bigger the dome ceiling, the smarter people in it think. You think that's true? Explain Congress!" --Jay Leno

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TYT Nation: Paul Manafort Indicted For Conspiracy, Turns Himself In

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he wanted to time his comeback to coincide with Britney Spears (Miss Teen South Carolina)

"Intelligence officials believe that video of Osama bin Laden that came out last week is authentic. This is his first new tape in almost three years. I guess he wanted to time his comeback to coincide with Britney Spears.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"While he was in Australia, President Bush accidentally referred to Australian troops as Austrian troops. And he called it the OPEC summit instead of APEC summit. Even though he made a lot of mistakes he still got a congratulatory phone call from Miss Teen South Carolina." --Jay Leno

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TYT Nation: Ex-Trump Adviser Admits Lying To FBI

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Jordan Chariton: Bernie Sanders Doing More Than Trump/Congress Combined

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He wants to change his plea to extra guilty (Moon cheese)

"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas" --Conan O'Brien

"Idaho Senator and Minneapolis airport toilet aficionado Larry Craig was in court yesterday trying to withdraw his guilty plea for disorderly conduct. He wants to change it, I guess, to extra guilty." --Jimmy Kimmel

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Jimmy Dore: CNN SH*TS ON RT & GETS IMMEDIATELY OWNED

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Iraqis aren't just fathers, sons, mothers and sisters, they're also statistics (hard data)

"The general raises a key point. We keep hearing from President Bush how the surge is meeting its military objectives, but we need more time. Well, yesterday, the good general was whistling a different tune

[on screen: Petraeus testifying that the surge is meeting its military objectives, but we need more time].

My God, the president's been right the whole time. This wasn't just a guesses and estimations type thing. The general had hard data.

He backed up his arguments with real numbers, charts of sectarian death, graphs of car bombs, tables of troop levels because it's an important reminder that our troops and the Iraqis aren't just fathers, sons, mothers and sisters, they're also statistics. Remember that." --Jon Stewart

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Young Turks: John Boehner Outs Congressman Who Threatened Him With A Knife

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Yes, it's been said he can turn water into bottled water (miracle-worker)

"For a long time now, we've wanted to figure out whether or not our strategy in Iraq is working, whether there were signs of progress or perhaps forces there beyond our control. The time to do that hasn't been right, but I feel it coming

[on screen: pols and media figures saying they are waiting for Gen. Petraeus' progress report].

While this man, this general clearly named for the Greek God of progress assessing, his powers have not always been so great. For instance, six weeks before the 2004 presidential election, General Petraeus wrote a Washington Post op-ed about the Iraq war that was so upbeat, you would have thought the insurgency was in its last throws.

I certainly hope that one incredibly relevant to the story here mistake won't cause pundits and politicians to be too cautious in their assessments of the general

[on screen: pundits and pols singing Petraeus' praises and calling him a 'miracle-worker'].

Yes, it's been said he can turn water into bottled water." --Jon Stewart

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Monday, October 30, 2017

Charming Canadian doctor schooled America at Sanders Medicare for all announcement

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Bernie Sanders on what the U.S. can learn from Canadian health care

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Chris Hedges: On Contact: The Silencing of the Left with Robert Scheer

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Redacted Tonight: The US Military Is All Over Africa ?!

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Searching for evidence of WMDs (Or, should I say PoopStupid.Poop?)

"I have to address something that I saw in the New York Times yesterday. Take a look at this ad, a full-page ad from MoveOn.org: 'General Petraeus or General Betray-Us?' Folks, this unforgivable.

'General Betray-Us'? Really? You liberals have all of Hollywood at your fingertips, and that's the best taunt you can come up with? What about 'General Butt-Gay-Us?' That would really call his testimony into question.

See, as a child, I worked so hard to create the most powerful playground put downs our school had ever heard. Teachers feared me and I am ashamed to see my art treated so shabbily by MoveOn.org.

So watch and learn, MoveOn.org. Or, should I say PoopStupid.Poop?" --Stephen Colbert

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Dems To Use Failed Strategy For 2018 — The Political Vigilante

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In the book, there's three chapters about Bush (Pass It On)

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

"Rosie O'Donnell also has a brand new book. In the book, there's three chapters about Bush, and there's another one about the president." --David Letterman

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Which explains his use of the word 'surgerrific' (Worst of the Worst)

"Another big day on Capitol Hill. General Petraeus testified again today before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are claiming that Petraeus' answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus' use of the word 'surgerrific.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus." --Jay Leno

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You may not know this, general, but right now I'm saluting you (73 bathroom breaks)

"Yesterday, General Petraeus was in Washington testifying before the Senate. After the testimony, Senator Craig said, 'You may not know this, general, but right now I'm saluting you.'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, General David Petraeus testified before the Senate for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period, Senator Larry Craig took 73 bathroom breaks." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them (I'm the Knower)

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them." --Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig wants to withdraw his plea. He pleaded guilty. And I was thinking what he should have withdrawn was his foot from the other guy's stall." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Who are you gonna believe? A U.S. senator or a hooker? (Someday you'll thank us)

"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman." --Jay Leno

"Senator Vitter is denying this woman's allegations. Who are you gonna believe? A U.S. senator or a hooker? I've gotta go with the hooker." --Jay Leno

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Best performance in the war against terrorism (hand signals)

"The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals. This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Senator Larry Craig got caught in that men's room." --Jay Leno

"Happy Rosh Hashanah! Today, down in Washington, DC, a confused President Bush carved a pumpkin." --David Letterman

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Young Turks: Do Democrats Miss George W. Bush?

Nope. Don't miss him at all. Not even a little bit.

Bush was a disaster that walks like a man.

The IAEA told Bush Iraq didn’t have any WMDs
(they were right), Bush invaded anyway (he was Wrong) costing America 5,000
dead soldiers, 32,000 wounded and 103,792 were diagnosed with post-traumatic
stress disorder (PTSD), 253,330 service members were diagnosed with a Traumatic
Brain Injury (TBI), 1000 service members received wounds that required
amputations. Plus half a million Iraqi civilians (women and children) dead. All
this at a cost to taxpayers of 5 TRILLION dollars. I bet the US economy could
use that 5 Trillion right about now.

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Bill Murray knows it's Monday but... (You're Awesome)

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Sunday, October 29, 2017

it made it easier to meet goats (9 1/2 foot pole)

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another video. Remember he had a gray beard before? In his new video, he has a black beard. A lot of people say the reason he dyed his beard black was it made it easier to meet goats." --Jay Leno

"Things aren't going that well for bin Laden. Intelligence experts say he's lost much of his power over al Qaeda. But it turns out, he got one of the subprime loans years ago. He could lose the cave." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

The DC condoms come in two sizes (regular and Washington Monument)

"The Trojan Condom Company announced that it is donating 350,000 condoms to the city of Washington, DC. The DC condoms come in two sizes -- regular and Washington Monument." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush addressed the nation tonight. President Bush, in the last couple of weeks, has fallen in love with a man named General Petraeus. All he talks about is General Petraeus. They say it was a crucial speech, one that could determine the future of the war. Aides say the president went through at least 20 drafts of this speech before he delivered it, and still he has no idea what it means. Something about Iraq and a lot about General Petraeus." --Jimmy Kimmel

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In the spirit of international cooperation, America sent Charlie Sheen (Conception Day)

"Earlier tonight, President Bush gave his eighth speech to the nation about Iraq. In it, Bush promised to have the troops home by speech #73." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, it was 'Conception Day' in Russia, where Russians were encouraged to have sex in order to increase their population. In the spirit of international cooperation, America sent Charlie Sheen." --Conan O'Brien

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I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs (David Cop-A-Feel)

"Last night, President Bush addressed the nation with a speech about Iraq. The speech aired on all three networks and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton is out there promoting his new book. In an interview, former President Bill Clinton says that most people don't know Hillary has the world's best laugh. Bill added, 'I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.'" --Conan O'Brien

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