Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Thirty hissing possums in a barn

"Hey, this week was the season premiere of 'American Idol.' And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don't want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don't really want -- or as Republicans call that, 'the Romney plan.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal,' though I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn." –Seth Meyers

"Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season's Dancing With The Stars. She's probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I've heard of her." –Seth Meyers 

It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint

"The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.'" –Bill Maher

"Rick Perry said Obama's suggestions for gun control disgust him. He said the real answer to this problem isn't laws, it's prayer. You know, I know you're not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with prayer. I guess that's just a crazy fantasy, Rick Perry in a school." –Bill Maher

"The best advertisement for torture is not Dick Cheney and people like that who support it, it is Hollywood. At the Golden Globes, it's movies. Ben Affleck won for playing a CIA officer, Claire Danes won for playing a CIA officer, Jessica Chastain won for playing a CIA officer and of course, Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin, a master of counter intelligence." –Bill Maher 

Friday, January 18, 2013

She'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser

"Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns." –Jay Leno

"Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.' Apparently, she has something called 'self-respect. Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she'd rather stay home with the Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"The director of 'Zero Dark Thirty' has come out against torture. And the director of 'Lincoln' has come out against going to the theater in 1865." –Conan O'Brien

But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It's already being called the best 'that's what she said' joke ever." –Conan O'Brien

It is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney

"The 2013 Oscar nominations were announced today. 'Lincoln' earned the most nominations of any movie. 12 nominations for 'Lincoln.' I have a feeling that if he were alive today, Lincoln would say, 'What is a movie?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Ten days from now Barack Obama will be inaugurated. I'm telling you, it is really starting to look bad for Mitt Romney." –David Letterman 

Guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays

"The Consumer Electronics Show is happening in Las Vegas and the most amazing gadgets are being talked about. One of the gadgets this year is a fork that tells you when you're eating too fast. In a related story today, Chris Christie was spotted yelling at his fork to mind its own business." –Conan O'Brien 

"Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays." –Stephen Colbert on putting armed guards in schools

"Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, has never been hotter. 'Lincoln' received 12 Oscar nominations. 'Lincoln' also received a nomination for best hat." –David Letterman 

The only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is

Jon Stewart to congressional Republicans who voted against Hurricane Sandy aid: "If you guys can’t vote for this, then we’re f**ked for the next few years. And I’m not saying you're responsible for all the problems facing our country, but you sure are making them a lot harder to fix."

"A political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard." –Conan O'Brien 

Jon Stewart on gun control opponents: "No one's taking away ALL the guns. But now I get it, now I see what's happening. So this is what it is. Their paranoid fear of a possible dystopic future prevents us from addressing our actual dystopic present. We can't even begin to address 30,000 gun deaths that are actually, in reality, happening in this country every year because a few of us must remain vigilant against the rise of imaginary Hitler."

Monday, January 7, 2013

In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators

"Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno

"Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, 'Well, that's enough work for the year.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Hey, we don't do anything for anybody

"Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie 'Zero Dark Thirty.' It's also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film 'Lincoln.'" –Jay Leno 

"John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing – a Republican winning anything these days." –Jay Leno

"Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, 'Hey, we don't do anything for anybody.'" –Jay Leno

It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election

"'The Hobbit' opens today. It's going to make a ton of money this weekend. It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election." –Craig Ferguson

"In what's being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It's called 'Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff.'" –Jay Leno

"Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

Santa released 10 years of tax returns

"On Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican." –Jay Leno

"Christmas is just around the corner. It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns." –David Letterman

Finally, a Republican who might win something

"HBO is planning a new movie similar to 'Game Change,' but based on the 2012 election. The network said they're not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, I'm not doing anything.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and 'Lincoln' got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something." –Jay Leno