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Friday, October 31, 2014

And also to go out and vote



"I want to settle everybody down. Let me put this in perspective for you. Your chances of catching Ebola are the same as the Jets chances of making the playoffs." –David Letterman




"A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote." –Craig Ferguson




"The government in Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. And nothing gets you in the mood like a direct order from Fidel Castro." –Seth Meyers





Hey, I'm investigating here!



"The investigator who led the probe in the Secret Service prostitution scandal was caught with a prostitute. When cops found them together, he said, 'Hey, I'm investigating here.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Sources are saying Russia may have hacked into the White House Internet system. The problem was discovered this morning when suddenly Obama's screen saver was a shirtless Vladimir Putin." –Conan O'Brien




"I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan." –David Letterman





President Obama just appointed an irony czar



"The man in charge of investigating the 2012 Secret Service prostitution scandal has quit after he himself was caught with a prostitute – which explains why President Obama just appointed an irony czar." –Jimmy Fallon




"David Nieland, the man investigating the Secret Service prostitution scandal, was caught with a prostitute. I don't know what's more surprising — that they caught him with a prostitute, or that the Secret Service actually caught someone." –Jimmy Fallon




"Next month Joe Biden is scheduled to make stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco to discuss foreign policy issues — while his advisers are learning how to say 'We're sorry' in all three languages." –Jimmy Fallon




Look for the house that's been set on fire..



"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien




"Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended." –Conan O'Brien




"Here is a new and important announcement from the CDC: You will not become a Jets fan through casual contact with a Jets fan." –David Letterman




Well actually, it wasn't an orphanage when he got there



"North Korean leader Kim Jong Un visited an orphanage over the weekend. Well actually, it wasn't an orphanage when he got there." –Seth Meyers




"During a campaign event, former presidential nominee Bob Dole told the crowd that Mitt Romney should run for president in 2016. If there's anyone who knows that the third time is a charm, it's a guy who lost three times." –Jimmy Fallon




"While Mitt Romney was in Nebraska at a campaign rally to support a local Senate candidate this week, the crowd started chanting, 'Run, Mitt, Run.' And now, nobody can find Mitt Romney." –Seth Meyers






Later in the day he was signed by the New York Jets




“Over the weekend another guy jumped the fence at the White House. This time he was tackled by three security guards. They released him and then later in the day he was signed by the Jets." –David Letterman




"Now that Vladimir Putin's gotten rid of daylight savings, it's just a matter of time before he decides to get rid of daylight altogether." –Craig Ferguson




"Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said today that he has not yet decided whether he will run for president in 2016 — at which point Hillary Clinton took her foot off of his neck." –Seth Meyers





Either way, it's a good time to be in the couch business



"Halloween is just a few days away and the Obamas have invited children to go trick-or-treating at the White House on Friday. It will be fun until the Secret Service tackles a kid and says, 'We finally got one. He's dressed like a ninja turtle and tried to get in here.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"Before the World Series game last night, Aaron Lewis from the band Staind botched the National Anthem. To make things worse he started the song with, 'Are you ready for some football?'" –Conan O'Brien




"A new report claims that by the year 2020 the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it's a good time to be in the couch business." –Conan O'Brien





Human beings had sex with Neanderthals?





"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien




"Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently the evidence is any episode of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey.'" –Conan O'Brien




"Kenny G caused a controversy. I never get to say that. He tweeted his support of the Hong Kong protesters. Now China's communist government is mad at him. China has threatened to pull Kenny G's music out of all of their elevators." –Conan O'Brien



Monday, October 27, 2014

The two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania






"After embracing the gay community last week, the Vatican is now distancing itself from those comments. The Vatican explained, 'Hey, that was just one crazy weekend, OK? We've all had them, right?'" –Conan O'Brien




"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon



This Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit



"Last night the republican governor of Florida refused to come out for a debate. He was upset that his opponent had a fan under the podium to keep cool. Now a governor and a fan are very different, of course. One oscillates back and forth, blowing hot air in everybody's face. And the other one is a fan." –Craig Ferguson


"Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit." –Conan O'Brien




"It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven't been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan bickering, my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples." –Craig Ferguson





Saturday, October 18, 2014

Each week he runs down a different NBC executive



"New York City is overrun with rats. We have so many rats that today Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat neutered." –David Letterman




"I was very happy to see that our old friend Jay Leno is coming back to television. He's coming back to CNBC and he's got a brand-new show. Jay drives a variety of exotic vehicles, and each week he runs down a different NBC executive." –David Letterman




"Colorado police are worried that children on Halloween might mistakenly eat edible marijuana. Marijuana is legal there and includes candies and baked goods. You can tell if your kid is high if he won't stop asking 'Why?' when you answer his questions, or if he believes he has an imaginary friend." –Jimmy Kimmel



Well, not with THAT attitude...



"Dictator Kim Jong Un is back. He'd been missing. No one knew where he was. No one had seen him for a long time. It was like he was hosting a talk show at 12:30 on CBS." –Craig Ferguson




"During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn't winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, 'Well, not with THAT attitude.'" –Jimmy Fallon


"A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with outbreaks pretty well. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style." –Seth Meyers





Why dat?




"A new study has revealed that the reading level of presidential speeches has dropped significantly over the last 200 years. Or as Americans put it, 'Why dat?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un resurfaced yesterday after more than a month out of the public eye. U.S. officials think that the reason no one saw him for so long is that he was starring in an NBC sitcom." –Seth Meyers




"On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop twitching." –Seth Meyers




That now means 60 more years of nuclear winter



"Last week North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un missed a ceremony marking the 69th anniversary of the country. Experts say it's especially strange because he knew cake would be there." –Seth Meyers




"Nobody knows where he is but the U.S. national security adviser says there is no evidence that Kim Jong Un has been overthrown. If anything, he was probably just tipped over." –Seth Meyers


"North Korean leader Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance yesterday in over 40 days. But since he saw his shadow, that now means 60 more years of nuclear winter." –Jimmy Fallon





Who do I have to kill to win a Nobel Peace Prize?



"The administration now has a name for the war against ISIS. Every military operation has to have a name so people can get behind it, and they now have a name for the war against ISIS – Operation Hillary's Problem." –David Letterman


"Vladimir Putin was nominated but did not win the Nobel Peace Prize. Earlier today he said, 'Who do I have to kill to win a Nobel Peace Prize?'" –David Letterman



"A lot of people have a three-day weekend because of Columbus Day. In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue and 522 years later a lot of people still get Monday off to celebrate. No one's received more credit for getting lost than Christopher Columbus in the history of mankind." –Jimmy Kimmel






He's probably spending more time executing his family



"President Obama may close the Guantanamo prison. When asked how he plans on letting the prisoners out, Obama said, 'I'll replace all the guards with Secret Service agents.' They'll just wander out." –Jimmy Fallon


"You know who they haven't seen in a while, Kim Jung Un, evil dictator of North Korea. They haven't seen him in, like, six weeks. He's probably spending more time executing his family." –David Letterman




"Right around the corner is the midterm elections. There's an anti-incumbent mood in the country. People are sick and tired of people who have been in the job too long and are lazy and overpaid and out of ideas. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That's me." –David Letterman





They saw LaGuardia Airport and decided to take their chances with Ebola



"Kim Jong Un has been out of the public eye and North Korean officials say that it's because he needs a total of 100 days to recover from his foot ailments. When asked what kind of foot ailments, they said 'liposuction.'" –Seth Meyers




"Over 200 airplane cabin cleaners at LaGuardia Airport in New York have gone on strike over fears about the spread of Ebola. But then they saw LaGuardia Airport and decided to take their chances with Ebola." –Seth Meyers




"Bookmakers have listed Pope Francis as the odds-on favorite to win the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize. So if you're placing a bet on the results of the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize . . . you have a gambling problem." –Seth Meyers


They really started to get worried when he didn't show up at the Clooney wedding



"New York state is spending $750 million to open a solar plant in Buffalo, which will create thousands of jobs. Most of those jobs will be shoveling the snow off the solar equipment." –Jimmy Fallon




"Nobody had seen North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for a week, then a month, and now six weeks have gone by and nobody's seen him. They really started to get worried when he didn't show up at the Clooney wedding." – David Letterman




"They're getting ready for Halloween at the White House. The pumpkins they're carving came out of Michelle Obama's garden. She raised the pumpkins, and the knife they're using to carve came from a guy who hopped over the fence." –David Letterman





Saturday, October 11, 2014

The thief apparently made off with the man's entire argument




"Kim Jong Un is missing. Nobody's seen evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for about a month now. And his daughter, Kim Kardashi Un, is worried sick." –David Letterman




"Today is the 10th anniversary of when Martha Stewart had to go to the penitentiary. Martha was in a minimum security facility, like the White House." –David Letterman




"This weekend a man in Oregon who is an advocate for the open carry of firearms was robbed at gunpoint. The thief apparently made off with the man's entire argument." –Seth Meyers



The fifth worst thing we're dealing with right now




"A new study estimates that only 3.4 percent of Americans will vote in the midterm elections next month. But on the bright side, 100 percent will still complain about the results." –Jimmy Fallon




"It's rumored that a sequel is in the works to the 1996 movie 'Independence Day.' I'm not sure how scary it will be. An alien invasion would be only like the fifth worst thing we're dealing with right now." –Jimmy Fallon




When your pollsters carry machine guns



"It's interesting that in spite of all of Russia's troubles, Putin has an 80 percent approval rating, which I guess is something that happens when your pollsters carry machine guns." –Jimmy Kimmel






"Archaeologists in Arizona have discovered the remains of a 1,300-year-old village. They found dwellings, stone tools, and hundreds of ballots cast for Senator John McCain." –Seth Meyers





What do you get for the man who has everywhere?



"Today is Vladimir Putin's 62nd birthday. He celebrated the way he always does: having someone try his cake before him." –Jimmy Fallon




"Vladimir Putin turned 62 years old today. It must be tough buying him a gift. What do you get for the man who has everywhere?" –Jimmy Fallon




That week he will be invading Poland




"On Saturday the San Francisco Giants beat the Nationals in Washington in 18 innings. It was the longest postseason game in baseball history — proving that even in sports, it takes forever to get something done in Washington." –Jimmy Fallon




"Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. He will not be able to attend the ceremony. That week he will be invading Poland. " –David Letterman




The Obamas celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary




"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson stepped down after two major security breaches at the White House. It turns out Pierson's first job was actually as a costumed character at Disney World. I'm guessing the character was Sleeping Beauty." –Jimmy Fallon




"The Obamas celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary. It was a quiet late-night supper. It was just the Obamas and a couple of White House fence jumpers." –David Letterman


"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned, and in her closing statement she said, 'I'm leaving, not because of the breaches in security, but I don't think I can take the pressure of the upcoming trick-or-treaters.'" –David Letterman





Now get away from our castle!




"After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son 'must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.' They then added, 'Now get away from our castle!'" –Seth Meyers




"In a recent statement, Vladimir Putin said that Ukraine 'has always been and would continue to be the closest sister nation to Russia.' And sometimes sisters fight when one sister steals the other sister's boyfriend Crimea." –Seth Meyers




Intruders can only sneak into the White House between the hours of 10:00 and 2:00



"After all the recent security problems at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, officially resigned yesterday. When asked what she'll do next, Pierson said she just wants to go home and spend some quality time letting strangers in her own house for a while." –Jimmy Fallon




"The head of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned yesterday. We found out that she once worked at Disney World. She said she preferred working at the White House because people didn't have to wait in line to get in." –Conan O'Brien




"We also learned the new head of the Secret Service used to work for cable company Comcast. So now intruders can only sneak into the White House between the hours of 10:00 and 2:00." –Conan O'Brien





Friday, October 3, 2014

Everyone loves baked salmon




"Today the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She's being replaced by the White House's new state-of-the-art security system – a scarecrow." –Seth Meyers



"Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don't see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon." –Seth Meyers





Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary..



"Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing." –David Letterman



"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama." –David Letterman



"A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary." –David Letterman