Sunday, May 26, 2013

He was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, 'What do we have to do?'" –Conan O'Brien 

"A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

Because they feed on each other..

"It's been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie's re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around." –Conan O'Brien
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called 'The Toxic Avenger.' He wreaks havoc. He's a monster. I have no idea what he'll do in the movie." –Craig Ferguson

"We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Governor, of the House of Pancake..

"Minnesota this week became the 12th state in the country to legalize gay marriage. So finally Minneapolis can stop pretending St. Paul is just its 'twin.'" –Seth Meyers

"Prince Harry this week toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince, of the House of Windsor, and the Governor, of the House of Pancake.'" –Amy Poehler

You’re less popular with Americans than exercise

IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said 'Weed 420,' I might expect to get pulled over now and then." –Amy Poehler

I feel like I'm on Oxycontin again

"The Obama administration is experiencing multiple scandals, and the Republicans are having multiple orgasms. Three scandals at once? Rush Limbaugh today said, 'I feel like I'm on Oxycontin again.'" –Bill Maher

"Conservative groups told congressmen that they experienced long delays and were asked to answer unusually detailed questions. They said they felt like black people trying to vote in Florida." –Bill Maher on the Tea Party groups targeted by the IRS

"New Rule: Stop believing Chris Christie when he says he got lap band surgery for his family. He did it because he wants to be president in 2016, and being that obese is kind of a scandal in itself. He did it because there are skeletons in his closet. Of cows." –Bill Maher

It may go as high as Dennis Rodman

"The republicans see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman 

"This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, 'Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don't own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor." –Bill Maher

Thursday, May 16, 2013

I can literally not contain myself

"They want so bad to find a smoking gun and there just isn't one. There is no smoking gun. How sad is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun." –Bill Maher on Benghazi

"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’" –Bill Maher 

Scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger..

"Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200." –Jimmy Fallon 

"New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky. Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher

“For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is." –Bill Maher 

Monday, May 13, 2013

The first thing I know about Delaware..

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he's still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, 'I now have six free hours a day I don't know what to do with.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware." –Jimmy Fallon

He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford." –Stephen Colbert on his sister Elizabeth Colbert Busch's failed congressional bid

"What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we're deeply sorry about him." –Stephen Colbert 

It's the Taco Bell of breaking news

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there's been so much food in New Jersey lately." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Over the weekend, Arnold's son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, 'Which one of you is Schwarzenegger's kid?' And 50 people raised their hands." –Craig Ferguson

"Folks, this is the best kind of political story. We have no idea what's in it, and it's going to be explosive. It's the Taco Bell of breaking news." –Stephen Colbert on the House hearings on Benghazi

12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said, 'She's having a little fun being a private citizen.' And then he added, 'Not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless." –Conan O'Brien 

"Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman 

Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting." --Stephen Colbert, mocking the conspiracy theory that the government is buying bullets

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno 


Pretend you've never heard the name George W. Bush

"The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'" –Seth Meyers

"You people sound like you're all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piƱatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves." –Jay Leno 

"George W. Bush's nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office in Texas. He says P stands for 'Pretend you've never heard the name George W. Bush." –Conan O'Brien 

Hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises

"A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone."–Bill Maher 

"So...44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are f**king nuts, you'd be off by 7 percent." –Bill Maher 

"70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is have their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city's hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises." –Bill Maher 

Undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it's serious. His bail was set at 200 goats." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters." –Conan O'Brien 

"Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it 'F**king Obama.' Always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments." –Bill Maher  

Friday, May 3, 2013

How am I supposed to make my meth?

"Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars." –Conan O'Brien

"So they're handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth?" –Stephen Colbert

"It's been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It's like being married to a Kardashian." –David Letterman

Do-nothing something...

"We all know that if you look up Congress in the dictionary it says, ‘Do-nothing f**ktards who couldn’t solve a problem if it was eating them alive anus first." –Jon Stewart

"There's now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty." –Jay Leno

"Conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go -- whether it's food for kids who aren't mine or some other stuff for people I don't know." –Stephen Colbert 

The first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore

"Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay – while the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016." –Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically revitalized. So if you find any dead animals on your porch who have been completely drained of blood, you know why that happened." –Bill Maher

Enough? How about at least one too many.

"I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey Oswald." –Bill Maher

"They asked Barbara Bush, the matriarch of the family, whether Jeb Bush should run for president, and she said, 'We've had enough Bushes.' Enough? How about at least one too many." –Bill Maher

"It's not just a library, it's a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There's a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11; there's the pants he peed in when he was told we were under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And there's a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it." –Bill Maher